Getting the lady friend into shape

[VNV]

I've been dating this girl for a little while now and think she's great, but I just can't get over her un-fitness. She looks pretty average until her clothes come off, and you see she has a lot of excess fat around her waist and little to no muscle (ugh, she's a vegan). She's probably like 150ish lbs, but like 35% body fat. Doesn't get any protein in, and has never had a gym membership or exercised.

How can I get her to take some responsibility for looking young, healthy, and fit without being an ass and telling her I'm not very sexually attracted to her with her man-gut?

[ojs]

Originally Posted by VNV

I've been dating this girl for a little while now and think she's great, but I just can't get over her un-fitness. She looks pretty average until her clothes come off, and you see she has a lot of excess fat around her waist and little to no muscle (ugh, she's a vegan). She's probably like 150ish lbs, but like 35% body fat. Doesn't get any protein in, and has never had a gym membership or exercised.

How can I get her to take some responsibility for looking young, healthy, and fit without being an ass and telling her I'm not very sexually attracted to her with her man-gut?

You can't. You're way ahead either accepting her as she is, or finding someone that agrees with and follows your lifestyle.

[Nikopapp]

Originally Posted by ojs

You can't. You're way ahead either accepting her as she is, or finding someone that agrees with and follows your lifestyle.

Agreed, there is no easy way out on this way.

[Designbuilt]

I also agree with the above. My wife was in fantastic shape when I met her, she was always eating right and exercised. She told me that when she was a kid she was fat and had to lose 90lbs to get where she was.

She said that because she had 5 older brothers they would tease her constantly as did her dad, so she lost the weight. Her younger sister on the other hand, was never teased and is about 325lbs, and always miserable and bitter with the world.

What I'm trying to get at is that you have to really WANT to get inshape, you can't just hint at it. So you will have to decide if and when you are going to tell her, especially if it's not something she's done before. Even still there will be a chance that she loses interest, but you never know until you try. (Now, I'm not telling you to tease her) But you should be honest if it's that important to you.

Another thing, my wife did gain an aweful lot of weight when she was pregnant with my son and held that weight for about 15 months before she started dropping. She wanted to, but didn't really do anything about it, I told her not to worry about it, she looked fine to me (which she does, she holds the weight very nicely) But she was about 50lbs over weight.

But at about the 15 month mark, I told her that enough was enough already, and she was upset at first, I apologized, but since, she's been exercising and watching everything she eats. She's looking better evey day, she only needs to drop about 20lbs tops, maybe 15 would do.

Good luck.

[klowndog]

The best leaders lead by example. Invite her to the gym with you. Tell her tonight that you are getting her a membership at your gym and you are excited about a healthy and happy 2009. Don't get a year contract though, just month to month, and don't pressure her. When I first started taking my girl, I was pushing her and that didn't work. Explain to her that going to the gym is the best thing a person can possibly do for themselves whether they hit it hard, or just light rep it out. For women, light repping is okay just to get a cardio in. I was trying to get my girl to go doggcrapp style right along with me and that just didn't work.

Approach it in a totally positive manner, and something positive should come out of it. Good luck.

[Chrisco915]

Originally Posted by Designbuilt

What I'm trying to get at is that you have to really WANT to get inshape, you can't just hint at it.

But at about the 15 month mark, I told her that enough was enough already, and she was upset at first, I apologized, but since, she's been exercising and watching everything she eats.

These are two very good points. Firstly the person has to want to make that change. I tried for years to ask, encourage, offer, drive, cook, shop....anything to help kick start my wife's re-entry into a healthy lifestyle. The more I did these things the less interest she had in it. Excuses are piled on excuses. But.........if she asks questions in or wants to go to the gym......I accommodate. If she asks or says she is getting fat or feels out of shape I don't disagree though. How would that help? Playing along with the obviousness of that kind of lie is just silly. I don't have to be an ass.....but I'm not going to lie either. If you hate being fat.........do something about it. Complaining isn't going to get it done. If you aren't going to change for yourself....I certainly don't want to hear any bitching about it. If you don't like my opinion.....don't ask either......I'm going to tell you the truth. Funny how people always want the truth until it is about negative physical aspects.

Now.........if I have a problem with her unhealthy lifestyle and physique and she didnt.......I'm not going to change her and wouldn't even try. That is my issue not hers.

[VanR__]

It is such a difficult topic.
Your girl sounds like mine. I love her to pieces, but she is getting fatter.
She has a very nice weight set(nicer then mine), and lots of stuff to workout with, but it's always excuses, change the subject, or she gets super-defensive and turns into a fight.

[Chrisco915]

From past and present experience...LOL.....I notice the people who get defense the most are already overly selfconscious about the issue already. It is like touching an exposed nerve. But there really are only one thing to do in their position.....make a choice. Do I want to get off my ass and do somethign about it or am I more comfortable bathing in self pity? There is not forcing the decision to be made and they are on there own in that regards. Klowndog mentioned "leading by example".......if that is the best we can do until they make their choice......then we have to be content with that. I guess in the end it depends what you are capable of coping with.

But in this type of lifestyle we live......can you live with someone that doesn't subscribe to the same passion for a healthy way of life the way you do?

[smootheavy]

I agree with the above up top. Its a moot point, find someone who enjoys what you enjoy. One should not take on a relationship with the idea that they would like to change the other person.

Im not saying that your lady friend wont change, what I am saying is that if that is what your mindset is in terms of finding her attractive and wanting to maintain the relationship, it isnt going to work.

Been there and done that.

[aeliop]

Originally Posted by VNV

I've been dating this girl for a little while now and think she's great, but I just can't get over her un-fitness. She looks pretty average until her clothes come off, and you see she has a lot of excess fat around her waist and little to no muscle (ugh, she's a vegan). She's probably like 150ish lbs, but like 35% body fat. Doesn't get any protein in, and has never had a gym membership or exercised.

How can I get her to take some responsibility for looking young, healthy, and fit without being an ass and telling her I'm not very sexually attracted to her with her man-gut?

In fairness to her I would break up with her right now. If she is happy and confortable with herself why should she change so you could be sexually attracted to her. Be honest with her and yourself. Relationships our about validating our lives. All the things that are you should be what makes you attractive to other people. That is mainly what is on the inside and some of what is on the outside. If you truly like or love this person, her shape shouldn't matter, when you make love to her you make love to all of her with all of you. In relationships you can't make other people into you're creation without their consent. It would be different if she was interested in a healthier look and you could help her. Then there would be a commen interest and commen interest builds relationships. If she is not interested in working out and she is happy or content with how she looks you are forcing her to do something she doesn't want to just to please you. What if she said she would be sexually attracted to you only if you dyed you're hair purple and grew a beard down to you're chest.

[smootheavy]

Originally Posted by aeliop

In fairness to her I would break up with her right now. If she is happy and confortable with herself why should she change so you could be sexually attracted to her. Be honest with her and yourself. Relationships our about validating our lives. All the things that are you should be what makes you attractive to other people. That is mainly what is on the inside and some of what is on the outside. If you truly like or love this person, her shape shouldn't matter, when you make love to her you make love to all of her with all of you. In relationships you can't make other people into you're creation without their consent. It would be different if she was interested in a healthier look and you could help her. Then there would be a commen interest and commen interest builds relationships. If she is not interested in working out and she is happy or content with how she looks you are forcing her to do something she doesn't want to just to please you. What if she said she would be sexually attracted to you only if you dyed you're hair purple and grew a beard down to you're chest.

great post...my sentiments exactly

[klowndog]

Don't give up yet V, it's worth a try. Be the best ambassador you can, but if she doesn't take to it, let it go. If she's a vegan then there is a spark of hope for her, because she wants to be healthy. You may be surprised and she may take to it like a duck to water. Just help her be patient with results. My girl seemed to give up because she didn't see instant results. Don't give up yet bro.

[RONJON]

Yeah been there bro! My girl is the stereotypical seasonal workout person who shows up a little while...falls off...starts up again...falls off...Its pretty much a lost cause I think now but we will see how it goes

[Pekkerwood]

That is a treacherous path. One suggestion, is to focus on "health and fitness" rather than "body or sexuality".

I have paid for a "family" membership for six years. My family consists of myself, gf, and two chihuahuas. It costs an extra $70 per month for family over single. Every time (twice a year) for six years I tell her I'm going to cancel the "family" portion, she promises to start going to the gym. Five trips later, no go.

On the plus side, yesterday she wore the pants she had on when we met six years ago, so that is not bad maintenance!

[lynx]

Originally Posted by VNV

I've been dating this girl for a little while now and think she's great, but I just can't get over her un-fitness. She looks pretty average until her clothes come off, and you see she has a lot of excess fat around her waist and little to no muscle (ugh, she's a vegan). She's probably like 150ish lbs, but like 35% body fat. Doesn't get any protein in, and has never had a gym membership or exercised.

How can I get her to take some responsibility for looking young, healthy, and fit without being an ass and telling her I'm not very sexually attracted to her with her man-gut?

Like stated above, pretty difficult if she's not interested herself. If she expresses interest then take her to the gym with you but if she's doesn't care well then she doesn't care.

[maxmuscle925]

Thats actually funny because i had the same problem myself and i came up with the conclusion that the waiting game would be best. Honestly no one will change their attitude towards working out unless they do it themselves. I would come from the gym and my girl would see how i looked and just love it,also she would ask me questions about the gym and i would just give her kind of vague answers so that if she really wanted to know she would have to go her self. Then all of the attention from other people always helps as well. If you really have a connection with this girl she will eventually come around to. But if you try to force her it will most likely have the opposite outcome. I hope this helped it just my opinion of the situation and it did work for me in fact she cooks all off the meals hers and mine which is super sweet for me cuz i hate cooking.

[mo chuisle]

It's great you want her to be interested in keeping herself fit and healthy ... however, that being said, if she's not interested in building some muscle to help burn fat, it's gonna be tough getting her in the gym. I know it's hard for us to believe, but some people actually don't like going to the gym (crazy, I know! ).

I dated someone who never went to the gym, had a beer belly, and wasn't at all interested in my fitness lifestyle. After awhile, I realized that while he was a really nice guy, our lifestyles were just too different, and I broke it off. And I narrowed my selection only to guys who go to the gym and have a similar outlook on fitness. It definitely narrows the field a lot! But I met someone wonderful who has the same outlook on diet and fitness as I do, and it's wonderful being able to eat the same meals together and work out at the same time (even if we're doing different exercises).

I hate giving advice because the decision is really up to you. If you think you can handle this girl's view on diet (the vegan thing) and think you may be able to get her interested in something active (even if it's not in the gym), it might be worth it to give it a try. However, if being in a relationship where fitness is really important, you may have to really give the relationship some thought.

Best of luck to you!

~Mo