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Before you say "I DO?"

chgolatin2

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For those that have been married, been married, for those that have decided to the dating seen wasn't enough, for those that have grown up, made a decision to be committed in a relationship, etc etc

Before you made that big jump, before you said "I DO" before you trusted your heart, mind and soul and decided to just take the leap of faith and said "fuck it" I'm doing it regardless, have you failed or notice indicators that just weren't right but you decided to just get legally married anyway?

Did age play a factor in the relationship, income level, educational level, family lifestyle, past make a difference? If the person that you have a relationship with, married to, engage to disrespect you in any way shape or form. How did you handle that situation, what did you do to make things right. How did you fix those issues? Love is a powerful emotion, love is the hard puzzle of life that many of us even professionals don't have the answer for. I love my fiancé to death, were about to get married, we have a decent relationship, however, I've notice certain things that make me have second thoughts, doubts and honestly a lil bit of insecurity. I know that she loves me to death as well, however, we have a great deal of age difference between us, she is younger than me, way younger, she still lives with parents and she has been spoiled all of her life, she usually does whatever without interference or someone telling her not to do certain actions, etc.

I have notice that she acts on emotions and feelings without "THINKING" first, I have notice a certain level of disrespect, certain actions, I've notice that she has been verbally abusive, has done things without thinking, makes rush decisions and then apologizes for them once she realizes her mistakes. She has told me some things that could make any mans jaw drop, she has hurt me emotionally and even has been disrespectful in front of her parents and siblings. One day she told me that she has seen her mother disrespect her father, even spit on his face, has struck him in some sort of fashion. That a man is not suppose to touch a woman, regardless of what they do and that a woman could put a man in jail for just about any reason, that a woman could make a man lose his job, career, financial gains and everything that he has worked for because of a woman, because a woman has a lot of power, etc etc. I could put more things on here but I will not, I just notice that she has acted out of anger, hormones being out of whack, has said things that I myself would never say to my significant other, especially to the person that I want to marry but thats just me.

Now she's not a bad person, she truly has a beautiful heart, she's a good girl, she has truly changed my life. Now don't get me wrong, no relationship is "PERFECT" no man or woman is perfect, we have to pick and choose those battles that are worth fighting for, quitting is always an easy solution to any problem in life, even relationships, marriage etc. She has never cheated on me nor have I and we have that mutual understanding. However, some of her actions just puzzle me to the extent that I wonder if love is suppose to be like this? I have worked extremely hard to be successful in life, came from a broken family, both my father and mother died young because of drug and alcohol abuse, I didn't come from a stable background, I came from an abusive family, I have been in shelters, homes, in the streets and I have even lived in my car and in the streets of new york when I was abandon by those that were suppose to by my family. I've seen my father destroyed himself and become a bum in the streets to the point that I as a child I would see my father in the streets sleeping next to a fire hydrant with a bottle of liquor in his hands with dirty clothes, just a bum. My father died of AIDS because of drug abuse, my father died when he was only in his 40's, my mother died of AIDS and committed suicide, I met my father at the tender age of 8 yrs of age and I met my real mother when I was barely 18 yrs old, when I say that I have experience some shit in my life, trust me that I have. I'm not here for people to judge me or have pity on me I just want to illustrate that I have come from terrible odds and managed to become a success in life. I didn't allow my misfortunes to ruin my life, I didn't choose drugs or alcohol now I can't say that I have been perfect because I have committed some mistakes in life but despite the odds, despite my past I can honestly share that I have accomplished A LOT. I have gone to war for my country, countless of times been in the middle east, Iraq/Afghanistan, I took chances as being a combat soldier in the Army, I did things that I truly can't discuss of talk about in here but I can honestly share that I have gone, done and seen what most people wouldn't even dare to see, do or take action. I often wonder why I didn't die in battle, in war and why did I survive such terrible odds, sometimes I carry the guilt of serving with other soldiers and seeing them die in action, hurt, etc. After 16 yrs in the military I called it quits, got injured in battle by an IED blast, I sustained major injuries, TBI, broken bones, scars, tears, blood, sweat and many scarred memories that will live with me to eternity. I guess that trying to explain to civilians, forums, family or friends is hard to do, because after all, you have to LIVE THE EXPERIENCE in order to understand it. No amount of talk, explanation, battle stories, life stories can truly relate.

I don't have any family, no parents, no kids, never been married, I was always careful not to have kids because I wasn't prepared or ready, I've dated countless of nationalities, woman's, etc I have lived with many as well and I have shared and done my share of bad things in relationships too. I haven't been a perfect man, nor can I take the credit for it. All I know is that I promised myself never to be like my parents, like my father or mother, I promised myself not to have any kids with just anybody, I promised myself to do whatever it takes to make it in life, to be a success, to contribute to society and just be a good citizen. I have managed to become financially successful, I've manage to go to college and get a degree even with a GED, I managed to own a beautiful home that many people would only dare to have or dream, I have had boats, motorcycles, high end cars, material things, travel the globe, I have a secure future, I don't have debt I am an extremely clean guy, most of my friends think that I have a secret maid, overall financially and with material things I have been successful. But money, material things, boats, cars, houses, toys, college degrees, profession attire, high end clothes, etc can't make you completely happy until you share those things with someone who loves you unconditionally and appreciates you completely with faults, mistakes, bad past, and the list goes on.. I'm truly a good hearted man, I have a good heart, not a perfect heart but a good heart. Many misunderstand me because they don't know me, many have envied me and labeled me because they don't understand where I have been or came from but thats ok because we don't live in a perfect world. Anyway, excuse my typos, grammatical errors, etc etc or extended thread post I just came here to share a lil bit about myself, a lil about my past, a lil about whats going on and a lil about my relationship with this person that I would truly love unconditionally.

I truly would appreciate some honest feedback, constructive criticism, guidance, opinions, etc but please keep negativity away if thats the case. :naughty: In advance, THANK YOU!
 
hey brother, can you postpone the wedding say, a year? You don`t live with her yet? Def. never marry a woman you have not lived with first, it is way different than just dating, living separate, and WAY different than dating a girl that lives with her parents.

I think you two have different blueprints, different rules for life... and they don`t sound to match, blend or mesh... overall. Maybe its a maturity thing, maybe its cultural, but for me it is NEVER acceptable for 2 people in a relationship to hit the other person. She thinks its ok for the punches to flow in one direction? She thinks she has the power to destroy you, your career, your life, if she do decides it? F` THAT! That set of beliefs is in ingrained in her head, your not going to change that, ever, if anything you will only feel the wrath of it.
 
hey brother, can you postpone the wedding say, a year? You don`t live with her yet? Def. never marry a woman you have not lived with first, it is way different than just dating, living separate, and WAY different than dating a girl that lives with her parents.

I think you two have different blueprints, different rules for life... and they don`t sound to match, blend or mesh... overall. Maybe its a maturity thing, maybe its cultural, but for me it is NEVER acceptable for 2 people in a relationship to hit the other person. She thinks its ok for the punches to flow in one direction? She thinks she has the power to destroy you, your career, your life, if she do decides it? F` THAT! That set of beliefs is in ingrained in her head, your not going to change that, ever, if anything you will only feel the wrath of it.



this part stuck out to me too... huge red flag
 
Before you made that big jump, before you said "I DO" before you trusted your heart, mind and soul and decided to just take the leap of faith and said "fuck it" I'm doing it regardless, have you failed or notice indicators that just weren't right but you decided to just get legally married anyway?
You make it sound like you're jumping out of an airplane! It should be a well thought out decision that you are 100% sure about. Sure, everyone gets jitters but what you describe is called apprehension. And if you are apprehensive, LISTEN TO THAT!
How did you fix those issues? .... however, I've notice certain things that make me have second thoughts, doubts and honestly a lil bit of insecurity
These are things to address before you jump out of that airplane I mentioned up above. That you are AWARE of them now is great! You can tackle those issues now before you just say "fuck it".
I have notice that she acts on emotions and feelings without "THINKING"... ...makes rush decisions and then apologizes for them once she realizes her mistakes.
Hmm... sure does sound like a woman... LOL
and that a woman could put a man in jail for just about any reason, that a woman could make a man lose his job, career, financial gains and everything that he has worked for because of a woman, because a woman has a lot of power, etc etc.
Gosh dude! These sound like threats. A bit on the passive side, but pretty heavy on the aggressive side, jeeez...
I truly would appreciate some honest feedback, constructive criticism, guidance, opinions, etc but please keep negativity away if thats the case. :naughty: In advance, THANK YOU!
You've been successful in other areas but this is one that sounds like a complete and utter bomb waiting to go off in your life. You either address this stuff now or marriage will slap a "x10" behind every one of these issues, trust me.

I'm not saying throw it all away but what's the rush? Get some of this resolved. You may find you dodged one helluva bullet or after learning how to cope with each other and accept one another, your love is deeper than ever. But threats, apprehension, fear, mistrust. These are all things that lead to huge disasters. Life-altering disasters.
 
Sorry man, if u have to ask these questions here, she probably not the one for u. When u find her u will know it, and u won't have any questions.
 
hey brother, can you postpone the wedding say, a year? You don`t live with her yet? Def. never marry a woman you have not lived with first, it is way different than just dating, living separate, and WAY different than dating a girl that lives with her parents.

I think you two have different blueprints, different rules for life... and they don`t sound to match, blend or mesh... overall. Maybe its a maturity thing, maybe its cultural, but for me it is NEVER acceptable for 2 people in a relationship to hit the other person. She thinks its ok for the punches to flow in one direction? She thinks she has the power to destroy you, your career, your life, if she do decides it? F` THAT! That set of beliefs is in ingrained in her head, your not going to change that, ever, if anything you will only feel the wrath of it.

Well, she speaks out of anger and her parents do not allow her to live with me in fact they said that I wasn't even welcomed in their home without me putting a ring on their daughter and making things real. They didn't wish to waste their daughters time w just dating and no security, blah blah blah. Understood. Many people say things out of anger, personally thats what I have experience. Like anything in life it takes a period of adjustment, getting to know each others turn ons/off, etc. But quitting is ALWAYS an easy way out of life or out of anything that you do... But thanks for the heads up! Greatly appreciated!
 
You make it sound like you're jumping out of an airplane! It should be a well thought out decision that you are 100% sure about. Sure, everyone gets jitters but what you describe is called apprehension. And if you are apprehensive, LISTEN TO THAT!
These are things to address before you jump out of that airplane I mentioned up above. That you are AWARE of them now is great! You can tackle those issues now before you just say "fuck it".Hmm... sure does sound like a woman... LOL Gosh dude! These sound like threats. A bit on the passive side, but pretty heavy on the aggressive side, jeeez...You've been successful in other areas but this is one that sounds like a complete and utter bomb waiting to go off in your life. You either address this stuff now or marriage will slap a "x10" behind every one of these issues, trust me.

I'm not saying throw it all away but what's the rush? Get some of this resolved. You may find you dodged one helluva bullet or after learning how to cope with each other and accept one another, your love is deeper than ever. But threats, apprehension, fear, mistrust. These are all things that lead to huge disasters. Life-altering disasters.


Trust me brother I am addressing all the issues and I had a sit down talk with her about those things, many things are said out of anger and not because she means them. However, with that being said. "red flags" pop up and doubts start to appear. Which is part of life telling you to "watch out" fix it or move out.

Thats why a "Pre Nup" is always an alternative, which I have been seriously considering. But according to my attorney he informed that one would not be needed because all that I have accomplished, financially, materials things she was not a part of so I will still be entitled to them, not she. However, if we accumulate wealth, material things, kids, etc then things would be different. Anything after marriage that its done together is entitled to 1/2!!! OUCH! :banghead::naughty: But I'm taking the necessary steps to address those issues. You mention jumping out of planes, thats one thing that I know to do very, very well. With over 36 jumps under my belt I'm pretty efficient when it comes to that !!! :roll eyes: Thanks for all help brother!
 
I lived with a girl for a few with all of the characteristics and behaviors you mentioned. Fucking other people, dunk, violent against me and other girls who she thought I liked, she had a non-existent fuse, never trusting me for a second (well, she had that right). She went to an Ivy League School and to me she was truly perfect looking. Perfect. She was also the baby sister of my best friend at the times wife. We aren't friends any more. She is now 44, never married and living alone in London. And still hot. She is a cougar, We stayed in touch (of course) untill about a year ago when she told me she hated me, I am a thug and I should be in jail. Hmm.

My Nurse Practioner Mom who worked in Pysch her whole career said she was Histrionic and we were co-dependent. I ended up getting a restraining order in Manhattan. That was fun.

It took me a few years to get over her. I married a very pretty, younger, stable CPA. I never had the crazy passion for her, which has led me to make some horribly stupid choices, narcissists like me don't like to compromise.

But there is a lot to be said for the saying there are girls you date and girls you marry. Big difference sometimes. I love conflict and drama, I'm glad I don't have that with my wife of 15 years. And at 50 I really am calming down, we have a great sex life and I'm luckily appreciating what a wonder spouse she is more and more each year. I married very very well. She still thinks she did too despite some of my "found out" behaviors.

I've spent the last couple of years and hopefully the rest of my life letting her know how lucky I am to have her. You don't want a Ferrari as your every day car.

This is at least your second thread expressing concern. Keep listening to your gut. What do your friends think? I have 3 friends who I have known for the past 25 years, they see my smart and stupid choices with clarity even when I did not.

But then again, very few people ever really listen to advice. I never did.
 
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Trust me brother I am addressing all the issues and I had a sit down talk with her about those things, many things are said out of anger and not because she means them. However, with that being said. "red flags" pop up and doubts start to appear. Which is part of life telling you to "watch out" fix it or move out.

Thats why a "Pre Nup" is always an alternative, which I have been seriously considering. But according to my attorney he informed that one would not be needed because all that I have accomplished, financially, materials things she was not a part of so I will still be entitled to them, not she. However, if we accumulate wealth, material things, kids, etc then things would be different. Anything after marriage that its done together is entitled to 1/2!!! OUCH! :banghead::naughty: But I'm taking the necessary steps to address those issues. You mention jumping out of planes, thats one thing that I know to do very, very well. With over 36 jumps under my belt I'm pretty efficient when it comes to that !!! :roll eyes: Thanks for all help brother!

My ex always said horrible things in the heat of passion as well, as I did to her. We still always meant them even though we lied to ourselves and each other and said we did not. Think about what she has said.

Pre-nup? As your wife she can make all of your money disappear in a heart beat. And your liberty.

Marry a nice mellow girl with a career. Life is much better that way. Your kids will also be happier.
 
Well, she speaks out of anger and her parents do not allow her to live with me in fact they said that I wasn't even welcomed in their home without me putting a ring on their daughter and making things real. They didn't wish to waste their daughters time w just dating and no security, blah blah blah. Understood. Many people say things out of anger, personally thats what I have experience. Like anything in life it takes a period of adjustment, getting to know each others turn ons/off, etc. But quitting is ALWAYS an easy way out of life or out of anything that you do... But thanks for the heads up! Greatly appreciated!

Is she an adult, can she make her own choices?? Her parents will not let her live with you? When you live by other peoples rules, rules you don`t really agree with, you are gonna end up in a bad place, a place you did not chose to be, but were led by other persons choices. If it were your choice, would you live with a woman BEFORE you got married? I know your answer is gonna be yes, so why are you being led by your nose? Love? Emotions? Get your head out of your ass.

This is not about "quitting", get that stupid shit out of your head, this is about removing emotions, seeing reality, what the future could bring. Marriage is not always easy, but it shouldn`t be "work" either. Being married should not be compared to a 10 mile hike with a 50lbs ruck sack, where you think about quitting.

Being single, sometimes lonely, BUT free to do anything, anytime, nobody with a foot on your throat, is much better than having company, a lifetime partner, a wife, that is a cunt pain in the ass that always has a boot on your neck.
 
Run brother, RUN!! And when u think u have run far enough, run some more!
 
If the person that you have a relationship with, married to, engage to disrespect you in any way shape or form. How did you handle that situation, what did you do to make things right. How did you fix those issues?

You cant 'fix' someone else. If you are starting out needing to fix something, it is already wrong. If you are being disrespected, that's all the reason you need to walk away. Love is mainly made up of two very important things: Respect - mutual, and Trust. Without either one of these, your relationship is doomed, eventually.

I have notice that she acts on emotions and feelings without "THINKING" first, I have notice a certain level of disrespect, certain actions,

LOL... brother, that is the nature of a woman. You cant change that and neither can she. Them's the facts! the acting on emotions, not the disrespect. see the above comment on that one....

I've notice that she has been verbally abusive, has done things without thinking, makes rush decisions and then apologizes for them once she realizes her mistakes. She has told me some things that could make any mans jaw drop, she has hurt me emotionally and even has been disrespectful in front of her parents and siblings. One day she told me that she has seen her mother disrespect her father, even spit on his face, has struck him in some sort of fashion. That a man is not suppose to touch a woman, regardless of what they do and that a woman could put a man in jail for just about any reason, that a woman could make a man lose his job, career, financial gains and everything that he has worked for because of a woman, because a woman has a lot of power, etc etc.
I could put more things on here but I will not, I just notice that she has acted out of anger, hormones being out of whack, has said things that I myself would never say to my significant other, especially to the person that I want to marry but thats just me.

I see a recurring theme here. Brother, dont allow anyone to disrespect you and dont disrespect her. It is doomed from the beginning and you are only asking for serious drama, heartache and headaches.

Now she's not a bad person, she truly has a beautiful heart, she's a good girl, she has truly changed my life. Now don't get me wrong, no relationship is "PERFECT" no man or woman is perfect, we have to pick and choose those battles that are worth fighting for, quitting is always an easy solution to any problem in life, even relationships, marriage etc.

You are rationalizing. Stop that. There is NO justification for disrespect or threats. she has threatened you already... passively, but a threat is a threat. What makes her think it is ok for a woman to hit a man? It is no more acceptable than a man hitting a woman is.

You ask for no negative responses, but you cant ask for honesty and then say dont say bad stuff. I am sorry, but I see nothing but trouble ahead for you. A prenup will not stop the disrespect or threats and I fear for your future freedom. I really do.
I wish you all the best, but do yourself a favor and REALLY think it over first.

Storm.
 
Some sound advice in this thread bro. Lot of red flags. Maybe I should have used the metaphor of jumping out of plane. Walking into a burning house might have been more appropriate.

Forget the pre-nup. If I felt a pre-nup was worth the paper it was printed on, I'd have suggested it. Fact is, she'll have bled you dry long before it time to leave. Hell, speaking of time to leave, you can't even make her do that. That's her residence too. You have to have her evicted. It can take many months. This is when they usually use the opportunity to use your house for parties, misc. male guests, new pets, etc.

There are no safety nets, parachutes, or rip cords on this one. You mutually have to WANT to put each others' lives in the others' hands.

There is pre-marriage counseling specifically for that purpose - to determine how fit you are for marriage. It is very likely that one of two things will happen:

1. He/she tells you outright that you have a lot of issues to work out before you get married and that you are not ready.
2. You get into a huge fight during the session, make up in the car on the way home and mutually decide the marriage counselor was full of shit.

Neither are good.
 
Some sound advice in this thread bro. Lot of red flags. Maybe I should have used the metaphor of jumping out of plane. Walking into a burning house might have been more appropriate.



Forget the pre-nup. If I felt a pre-nup was worth the paper it was printed on, I'd have suggested it. Fact is, she'll have bled you dry long before it time to leave. Hell, speaking of time to leave, you can't even make her do that. That's her residence too. You have to have her evicted. It can take many months. This is when they usually use the opportunity to use your house for parties, misc. male guests, new pets, etc.



There are no safety nets, parachutes, or rip cords on this one. You mutually have to WANT to put each others' lives in the others' hands.



There is pre-marriage counseling specifically for that purpose - to determine how fit you are for marriage. It is very likely that one of two things will happen:



1. He/she tells you outright that you have a lot of issues to work out before you get married and that you are not ready.

2. You get into a huge fight during the session, make up in the car on the way home and mutually decide the marriage counselor was full of shit.



Neither are good.


Thank you! Sound intelligent advice for sure. I'm considering seeing a marriage or before marriage counselor to iron out a few things. Thanks!

Also, pre nups are not always solid proof, way too many legalities, issues, money involved that could turn a pre nup into just a piece of paper that doesn't hold any weight. Funny how males thinks that we have all the power when in fact we don't. That pussy eventually becomes very expensive..
 
Well, she speaks out of anger and her parents do not allow her to live with me in fact they said that I wasn't even welcomed in their home without me putting a ring on their daughter and making things real. They didn't wish to waste their daughters time w just dating and no security, blah blah blah. Understood. Many people say things out of anger, personally thats what I have experience. Like anything in life it takes a period of adjustment, getting to know each others turn ons/off, etc. But quitting is ALWAYS an easy way out of life or out of anything that you do... But thanks for the heads up! Greatly appreciated!

When my wife and I were dating, none of what you described EVER happened. Speaking out of anger? What are you guys saying to each other while your dating? My wife and I had our first argument after being married for 3 months. We had disagreements, but never a "fight", certainly not physical. It is easy to "quit", but this is not the situation that anyone would consider it quitting. She is verbally and emotionally abusive and apparently thinks it okay to also be physically abusive. Like others have said, if you still want to pursue this, postpone the wedding and get her into counseling! If her dad and mom have a problem, tell them you don't want your marriage to end up like theirs where you're getting beat up and spit on by your wife
 
Thank you! Sound intelligent advice for sure. I'm considering seeing a marriage or before marriage counselor to iron out a few things. Thanks!

Also, pre nups are not always solid proof, way too many legalities, issues, money involved that could turn a pre nup into just a piece of paper that doesn't hold any weight. Funny how males thinks that we have all the power when in fact we don't. That pussy eventually becomes very expensive..


if you have your lawyer present and she has hers present at the drafting and signing then it should be sufficient.
 
I watched Sam Kinison and then got a pre nupt.
[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GXPd0fnpKw"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GXPd0fnpKw[/ame]
 

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