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Does it get better?

chgolatin2

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My girl and I are constantly at odds with each other, we have a huge age gap in between us and her parents are extremely over protective and at times overbearing. We have 2 different cultures, she's middle eastern and my background is American Latino, she has a big family and I don't. I personally don't have any immediate family member to depend on support or go to in times of needs.

I'm also a combat veteran who served in various armed conflicts, on top of all that I serve in public safety, been diagnose w PTSD, TBI, amongst other personal things. I got injured while serving a combat tour in Afghanistan, I mean seriously injured to the point that I was discharged from my military service and given a pension. I don't want to go through a lot of details and I don't expect or want anybody to feel sorry for me, this is not about that. However, I want to be understood that I didn't have the best of upbringing, my life was tough, very hard on me but I still managed to become a success and be a productive member of society, both of my parents died from drug and alcohol abused, my mother eventually took her own life when she was diagnose with a deadly disease, my father died alone as well in a hospital from the same deadly disease, I was not raised by my parents, however I was raised by an abusive grandmother. At the age of 9 yrs if age I didn't know how to read, write, tell the month or time of the day, didn't even know how to tie my own shoes. I was kicked out of every school due to me being a very bad kid, I was seriously out of control, I broke a teachers arm with a chair, beat up a few principles, I was just a kid without love or guidance and for that I paid the price until I was sent to my father who lived in NYC and I met my stepmother who was married at that time w my father, she gave me the tools, guidance, some love and actually was my lifesaver when I was a young kid, eventually she divorced my father due to his bad habits, and placed me in a home and disappeared... Well anyway I don't want to get into a long discussion of my past but to make the story short, I made it from the streets of NYC, eventually got a GED, went to college, join the Military and I became a success. Like I said above that now I'm a productive member of society and I even risk my life as a firefighter for my city and community..

Well, that's a short history of my past, anyway back to the topic on hand. My fiancé is 21 yrs younger than me, she doesn't have a college degree, always been taken care of by her parents, she still lives w mom and dad, she has basically been spoiled and provided for for most of her existence, her parents from the old school Iraq where they overprotect their children and expect a man to take care of them, my fiancé is a smart girl, however, a tab bit immature at times because she truly hasn't lived on her own or knows what it is not to have anybody look out for you, she doesn't know what it is to maintain a home, work, pay bills, put food on your table and be fully 100% independent. Be 100% independent, she runs to her family for any problems, and I mean anything. She's a good girl don't get me wrong, however, we are constantly at odds, don't know if it's an age thing, maturity thing, spoil thing, me or her or just both. I guess it's hard to explain on a forum because you guys don't actually live it or experience it, but it's stressful. Very!

We have a lot of pressure from her parents, and they put a lot of pressure in her, not only her parents but she doesn't have the best of friends who truly want the best for her. I love the girl a lot and I want us to workout but it worries me a bit to think that actually things would get better after marriage, so do they? I am thinking that maybe after we get married and live together and her parents are not in the pics that things will improve but who the fuck knows, because I don't. I'm ready to settle down, maybe have a family of my own, the family that I didn't have, I'm ready to be committed, dedicated, and be a good provider but at the same time I need that support, that unconditional love and understanding and also that respect that we expect from our mate. She has nothing to lose, because after all she has her parents and family, me on the other hand don't have shit, if things don't workout I will be the one who will end up at the short end of the stick, I mean that literally too.. I am scared but I think that's a normal behavior for someone who has never been married, or in a long relationship. I've lived on my own for practically my whole life.

So for those who have been married or still are, as couples do things improve upon after marriage? Do they get worst? How did you overcome the obstacles of making a marriage work? Also, did you have a mother and a father in law who were overly protective and overbearing? I am totally new at all this, I didn't come her to get burned, just looking for some advice and or maybe guidance too..

Thanks!
 
You haven`t yanked all your deposits back yet? your jumping in with a child, not a partner to depend on. She will ALWAYS run back to her family for everything, she doesnt know any other way. If marriage changes anything, its what a woman believes she is owed, by you, she "gave herself to you". I been married 6 yrs and told my wife before the wedding, look this doesnt change anything, if we didnt have the money to get married, all the officiant to do the ceremony died, i would love you the same forever. I was planting the idea, tomorrow is the same as wedding day, without a big party, and back to life.

kids- they will fuck with your relationship, put stress on it and def. make it harder. How can you start a family with a selfish spoiled "child" that can not even care for herself.

I told you this before, your a grown fucking man, you would wanna live with her before marriage, don`t let her parents, or anybody else run your live, change YOUR destiny. The people that end up in bad places, did NOT make their own decisions, they let others do that for them. Decide comes from latin root meaning, "to cut off from". You decide, cut off, the shit you should not be tolerating. Step back, don`t be emotional about it... because a divorce court will not be. Has anything with her really changed, gotten better, or gotten worse, more complicated since you started seeing her?
 
I hate spoiled girls... I need a woman, with a nice career... lots of them in NYC !=I hear
 
You haven`t yanked all your deposits back yet? your jumping in with a child, not a partner to depend on. She will ALWAYS run back to her family for everything, she doesnt know any other way. If marriage changes anything, its what a woman believes she is owed, by you, she "gave herself to you". I been married 6 yrs and told my wife before the wedding, look this doesnt change anything, if we didnt have the money to get married, all the officiant to do the ceremony died, i would love you the same forever. I was planting the idea, tomorrow is the same as wedding day, without a big party, and back to life.



kids- they will fuck with your relationship, put stress on it and def. make it harder. How can you start a family with a selfish spoiled "child" that can not even care for herself.



I told you this before, your a grown fucking man, you would wanna live with her before marriage, don`t let her parents, or anybody else run your live, change YOUR destiny. The people that end up in bad places, did NOT make their own decisions, they let others do that for them. Decide comes from latin root meaning, "to cut off from". You decide, cut off, the shit you should not be tolerating. Step back, don`t be emotional about it... because a divorce court will not be. Has anything with her really changed, gotten better, or gotten worse, more complicated since you started seeing her?


It's gotten better and at times worse, more worst than better I guess, I mean I don't want to out the girl down. She's a good girl but the maturity level, is just not totally there yet. Also, it's easier said than done especially when you have your heart, feeling, emotions involved, I don't want to fail. I have failed in many aspects of my life, but I don't want to fail at this. That's why I'm sticking around, working hard, over stressing myself because I don't want to be a failure. It's extremely hard not to be "emotional" about it and by no means am I a pussy or not a man, I am all that and more. It's weird how I was able to handle combat, military life, career, my life but this I don't have a foot hold on it. Again, it's hard to explain or give full details on a forum because the whole world is looking at you from the outside and many are not experiencing what I am feeling or going through. She has told that I have lost interest, etc etc but that's not a fact, it's just that I have been through a lot through the relationship, up, downs, inconsistencies, at times lies, lack of understanding, mind games, ignorant childish games, etc etc

Probably I am the problem who the fuck knows...
 
chgolatin2,

Terminating the relationship does NOT mean you've failed buddy! It is extremely obvious to us that you have feelings for this girl, but from what you've written here and in the past about her, you guys have a very toxic relationship. My mother-in-law controls that family. When I came into the picture, I was respectful and kind of went along with it. It didn't take long for me to tell my girlfriend (now wife) that her mom wasn't going to dictate what we do. When we got married, it didn't change and my wife (who is only 4 yrs younger than me) felt like she somehow owed her parents. She would defend their actions with "they paid for our wedding" and "they've helped me out so many times". The ONLY fights we got in, were about here parents and their inability to "let go of her". The treated her like a little kid and I was sick of it. I expressed that to her, she realized that I was right and that was that. Now my mother-in-law still thinks she can control everything, so it's always fun for me to say NO to things. "Want to come over for dinner"? NO "Want to go to Sea World"? NO
I realize you may not be able to do this. But it is great for me because it let's her know that she may wear the pants in her house, but I wear them in mine! Back to your situation, I know you've tried to work on this because you've expressed it many times over. But I think you are putting your blinders up. It gets better, then much worse. If it's getting worse, what makes you think it'll get better?! The age difference is one of the biggest obstacles and I'm not sure her upbringing will allow anything to progress. Your upbringing sucked man, and I wish you never had to experience that! It seems like you are trying to be a father figure to her as well as a husband. She will always go back to her parents, always. Argument, run to parents. Financial issue, run to parents. Anything will end up in her parents knowledge. That's just the way it is and I wouldn't be able to do it honestly. I don't want my parents or my in laws knowing everything or anything that happens in my house!
In the end, you have to make this decision. I would NOT marry her until the issue is resolved because getting married with this happening will never get better, only worse. Best of luck man!
Also, the things she's accusing you of doing (not being interested etc) is merely because you are not worshipping everything she does, and that is from immaturity. I dated a girl in college like this, she was bat crap crazy and was extremely self centered. Terrible relationship with her parents, but sounds a lot like your girl. We split and it was the greatest thing ever. Tough at first due to the lustful desires etc, but I eventually met my wife, the love of my life!
 
Last edited:
chgolatin2,



Terminating the relationship does NOT mean you've failed buddy! It is extremely obvious to us that you have feelings for this girl, but from what you've written here and in the past about her, you guys have a very toxic relationship. My mother-in-law controls that family. When I came into the picture, I was respectful and kind of went along with it. It didn't take long for me to tell my girlfriend (now wife) that her mom wasn't going to dictate what we do. When we got married, it didn't change and my wife (who is only 4 yrs younger than me) felt like she somehow owed her parents. She would defend their actions with "they paid for our wedding" and "they've helped me out so many times". The ONLY fights we got in, were about here parents and their inability to "let go of her". The treated her like a little kid and I was sick of it. I expressed that to her, she realized that I was right and that was that. Now my mother-in-law still thinks she can control everything, so it's always fun for me to say NO to things. "Want to come over for dinner"? NO "Want to go to Sea World"? NO

I realize you may not be able to do this. But it is great for me because it let's her know that she may wear the pants in her house, but I wear them in mine! Back to your situation, I know you've tried to work on this because you've expressed it many times over. But I think you are putting your blinders up. It gets better, then much worse. If it's getting worse, what makes you think it'll get better?! The age difference is one of the biggest obstacles and I'm not sure her upbringing will allow anything to progress. Your upbringing sucked man, and I wish you never had to experience that! It seems like you are trying to be a father figure to her as well as a husband. She will always go back to her parents, always. Argument, run to parents. Financial issue, run to parents. Anything will end up in her parents knowledge. That's just the way it is and I wouldn't be able to do it honestly. I don't want my parents or my in laws knowing everything or anything that happens in my house!

In the end, you have to make this decision. I would NOT marry her until the issue is resolved because getting married with this happening will never get better, only worse. Best of luck man!

Also, the things she's accusing you of doing (not being interested etc) is merely because you are not worshipping everything she does, and that is from immaturity. I dated a girl in college like this, she was bat crap crazy and was extremely self centered. Terrible relationship with her parents, but sounds a lot like your girl. We split and it was the greatest thing ever. Tough at first due to the lustful desires etc, but I eventually met my wife, the love of my life!


Wow, makes total sense. Still I want to work at things and see what happens. I know that she has a good heart but she has been spoiled by her parents way too much, because they give her everything and the parents don't have the best of relationship themselves, they been married for a looooong time and I see certain actions that I don't agree with but I won't get I to details. My girl has truly had a good life, I mean I envy others who had more than me especially in the parent dept, because I never experience or had that myself. Does her mother want to be involved w everything, yes, yes.. Fucking hate it, I mean at times we can't even spent time with ourselves or be alone becuz her parents want her home at a "decent time" WTF let us live a bit, I mean it's not we are all angels and virgin these days and this is not the dictatorship of Iraq, but I have already told her parents that things will change after we settle down and that I won't them to interfere w our relationship because I wouldn't have a problem getting a divorce because of them. They will take the fall for out relationship not working. My girls gets easily brainwashed my her family and at times friends who are clearly jealous of her and our relationship.

I'm not Quitter never have been so I want to do what's right, even if I fail I know atleast that I gave it 100% that way in my mind I know that I wasn't the failure. She's young has a lot to learn but she has the potential to be a great partner, it's just of all the outside pressure that's getting the best of us but we are trying to work things out. But thank you for understanding and giving me some support
 
chgolatin, get that stupid shit out of your head about "not wanting to quit or fail". It takes two to make a good relationship, she can not pull her weight, she is a net taker, not giver to the relationship. Don`t marry somebody because "they have potential". The whole situation, her immaturity, lack of life skills, lack of ambition, her parents needing to be involved in everything... all this not only has "the potential" to be a disaster, it WILL be a disaster. If your gonna stay with her, wait for the potential, full package woman to emerge, THEN marry her.

She says you have lost interest... weather that is true or not to you, it is FACT to her, maybe even idea implanted by her mom, your fucked! Do you really wanna jump through hoops trying to prove your still into her? Run, do a spin move, shake and bake, get the hell out of there!!
 
chgolatin, get that stupid shit out of your head about "not wanting to quit or fail". It takes two to make a good relationship, she can not pull her weight, she is a net taker, not giver to the relationship. Don`t marry somebody because "they have potential". The whole situation, her immaturity, lack of life skills, lack of ambition, her parents needing to be involved in everything... all this not only has "the potential" to be a disaster, it WILL be a disaster. If your gonna stay with her, wait for the potential, full package woman to emerge, THEN marry her.



She says you have lost interest... weather that is true or not to you, it is FACT to her, maybe even idea implanted by her mom, your fucked! Do you really wanna jump through hoops trying to prove your still into her? Run, do a spin move, shake and bake, get the hell out of there!!



Wow, interesting advice.. ;)
 
Wow, makes total sense. Still I want to work at things and see what happens. I know that she has a good heart but she has been spoiled by her parents way too much, because they give her everything and the parents don't have the best of relationship themselves, they been married for a looooong time and I see certain actions that I don't agree with but I won't get I to details. My girl has truly had a good life, I mean I envy others who had more than me especially in the parent dept, because I never experience or had that myself. Does her mother want to be involved w everything, yes, yes.. Fucking hate it, I mean at times we can't even spent time with ourselves or be alone becuz her parents want her home at a "decent time" WTF let us live a bit, I mean it's not we are all angels and virgin these days and this is not the dictatorship of Iraq, but I have already told her parents that things will change after we settle down and that I won't them to interfere w our relationship because I wouldn't have a problem getting a divorce because of them. They will take the fall for out relationship not working. My girls gets easily brainwashed my her family and at times friends who are clearly jealous of her and our relationship.

I'm not Quitter never have been so I want to do what's right, even if I fail I know atleast that I gave it 100% that way in my mind I know that I wasn't the failure. She's young has a lot to learn but she has the potential to be a great partner, it's just of all the outside pressure that's getting the best of us but we are trying to work things out. But thank you for understanding and giving me some support

You have been working at this for a long time, I can tell from your past posts and things you say. Based on that, it seems that things have not improved and she's still the spoiled little girl who wants things her way. Is she an only child? Only daughter? I've seen it time and time again, a pretty girl gets her way all the time bc she's pretty, when she doesn't, it's a hissy fit from hell! I laugh at these girls as they talk in the gym and when they ask what's funny, I tell them "the world doesn't revolve around you and relationships are give and take". They look at me like I'm crazy for even suggesting that they are not the center of everyone's universe. My wife was spoiled to, but she also didn't run to her parents for everything. Your girls parents will NEVER leave you alone to "live your life", trust me! My mother-in-law, while she does better, still tries to have control over aspects of our marriage. She is met with a giant palm in the face when she does it, but she still tries. Your girls family seems much worse!

Potential? Potential is good in sports and maybe business, not marriage. Look at a high school kid playing football who's a little chubby and hasn't fully grown, that's potential! He'll grow a few inches, drop the chub and gain speed and power. In a relationship, not the same
 
You have been working at this for a long time, I can tell from your past posts and things you say. Based on that, it seems that things have not improved and she's still the spoiled little girl who wants things her way. Is she an only child? Only daughter? I've seen it time and time again, a pretty girl gets her way all the time bc she's pretty, when she doesn't, it's a hissy fit from hell! I laugh at these girls as they talk in the gym and when they ask what's funny, I tell them "the world doesn't revolve around you and relationships are give and take". They look at me like I'm crazy for even suggesting that they are not the center of everyone's universe. My wife was spoiled to, but she also didn't run to her parents for everything. Your girls parents will NEVER leave you alone to "live your life", trust me! My mother-in-law, while she does better, still tries to have control over aspects of our marriage. She is met with a giant palm in the face when she does it, but she still tries. Your girls family seems much worse!



Potential? Potential is good in sports and maybe business, not marriage. Look at a high school kid playing football who's a little chubby and hasn't fully grown, that's potential! He'll grow a few inches, drop the chub and gain speed and power. In a relationship, not the same



Trust me that I have shared my thoughts w the family about their actions and how they won't be accepted or tolerated because they have to allow her, us to live our life together and they need to let go or quite possibly they will force us to eventually end up broken because their actions.
 
Trust me that I have shared my thoughts w the family about their actions and how they won't be accepted or tolerated because they have to allow her, us to live our life together and they need to let go or quite possibly they will force us to eventually end up broken because their actions.

do you actually believe that because you told them "things are gonna change" that some 60 y/o couple is gonna listen to you?? Who do you think their daughter is gonna side with? When nothing changes, and "they force you apart" you can point the finger all you want... all the while putting cash out to get a divorce, the emotional pain, headache, etc Pointing blame will do nothing for you.
 
bro I just left my wife of 10 years. First 6 were kinda rough the last 4 were honestly the best years of my life but it was just because of all the cool shit we were doing. Everyone looked at us like the perfect couple. Spent 24hrs a day together. It was great but she just wasn't there for me emotionally, my moms drug problems, my daughter with another girl....a lot of shit.


Its been a month and its been the best decision ive ever made. Really didn't realize how unhappy I really was.

life is short man...get the fuck out and get happy with someone! Tons of good chicks out there. Keep your head up bro!
 
Trust me that I have shared my thoughts w the family about their actions and how they won't be accepted or tolerated because they have to allow her, us to live our life together and they need to let go or quite possibly they will force us to eventually end up broken because their actions.

Don't take this the wrong way, but LMAO!!!!!!!!!!
My mother-in-law is an alcoholic and we sat her down by herself and also with the father-in-law and told them point blank: "you drink around our son, you won't be around our son" (I'm a recovering addict/alcoholic)
Needless to say, my son was 4 days old, we went to their house for dinner with some other family and guess what, she was plastered. This was 3 years ago and she has made zero attempt to stop drinking. Father-in-law is super defensive about it because he has a gambling problem and can't say anything about her because she'll respond with that. They're not going to "let go", they are going to be up in your business ALL THE TIME, and when you say anything about it, she will jump all over you. If you think her doing it now is bad, wait til you get married. She'll figure she's got you by the balls and will make you miserable.
 
Hogan86 summed it up. I would end it while its still possible to do it on good terms.

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