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I messed up...need advice

moparfreak360

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Jan 28, 2010
Messages
754
I haven't posted in quite a while as I've been away from gym..life has jist been going another direction lately...........so to make a long boring story short here is what I did........my oldest stepdaugher 14 has always hated me for whatever reason, I'm very passive and let a lot of things go but I eventually lose my temper.......I cyssed her out and told her it was all I could do not to punch her in the face.......obviously I never would and emotions got the best of me....she moved to her dads today because of this and now my wife hates me..........this sounds really bad but if anyone was In my shoes they would understand why I lost it....how do I fix what I ruined in the 5 seconds my anger won?
 
Being a stepparent is the hardest thing in life, no matter what you do you are wrong with both the child and your spouse. Sorry I have no advice for fixing the problem but damn i can empathizing. Good luck.


Sent from my RM-917_nam_usa_100 using Tapatalk
 
first accept that you didn`t ruin things in 5 seconds, you had no or a bad relationship before. It wasn`t your "anger", that was YOU!....maybe pushed to the limit, but still just the inner you. Next you write her (step daughter) a letter and let your heart out. Next write your wife a letter of apology. Her daughter was there before you. Lead (if you want to) by example, by actions, by living it.
 
Saying it isnt the same as doing it. Respect goes both ways, did she do something that warranted you feeling that way??

Ak
 
I respect you just for putting up with another ladies child, I tried it and failed to hard. You have to explain to your lady that this whole thing with a kid in your life is new(not sirs how new it is) and it will take time to adapt, she must have a close relation with her bio father and no child want thier dad to be replaced so the hatred to you before the incident could have been because of mommy and daddy aren't together and her mommy is now happy with another man. You tell your girls friend that you didn't mean to and you will look at the situation from her stand point and she needs to look at it from your views whether it's wrong or right.
Good luck man.
 
Being a step-parent is the most thankless, unrewarding, no-win situation I've ever been in. The kid will like you for what you bring to the table financially but will resent you for just about everything else. In their eyes, you're not their parent and the kid could give two shits if their mother is happy with you or not. They appear to be selfish beings that are incapable of empathy. Do I have all of the answers? No. It's been a lot of trial and error, most of which hasn't worked. But I do know this, you and your wife HAVE to be on the same page. If you're not, that kid will eat the two of you alive. Secondly, as a step-parent, you playing the "HEAVY" is never going to work. Your wife has to assume that role. You can be the voice of reason and enforce her rules but you can't be the primary disciplinarian. The kid will resent you and assume you're the problem. They don't think like us. They don't empathize like us. Their world is literally a few square miles...and that's it. So, don't think you can drill something into their head. You can't control another human being. I've tried, it doesn't work. If you have insurance, go to a therapist with your wife. Don't worry about being painted as the bad guy. A good therapist wouldn't do that to you. My wife agreed with the behavior problem of her son. She just didn't agree with the way I wanted to handle it. I hope you guys can at least agree there is an issue other than your anger. The anger is the result of a situation that you feel is out of your control and you probably don't agree with how your wife is handling it. Once again, I'm stabbing in the dark because I don't have all the details. I'm making assumptions. Feel free to expound on your situation or shoot me a PM and hopefully I can offer some advice (even if I have trouble following it myself). I feel for you. I thought I was reading something written by me.
 
As a stepfather you will all ways be views as why their mon and dad can't get back together and complete the stepchild dream of a reg family.Talk to wife and tell her you have tried and would be will to any advice she has to offer.This will help to shift some of the blame off your back.
 
I haven't posted in quite a while as I've been away from gym..life has jist been going another direction lately...........so to make a long boring story short here is what I did........my oldest stepdaugher 14 has always hated me for whatever reason, I'm very passive and let a lot of things go but I eventually lose my temper.......I cyssed her out and told her it was all I could do not to punch her in the face.......obviously I never would and emotions got the best of me....she moved to her dads today because of this and now my wife hates me..........this sounds really bad but if anyone was In my shoes they would understand why I lost it....how do I fix what I ruined in the 5 seconds my anger won?
You know how you said "a long boring story short"?

Well this can't be a short story. There are a million things that could have gone wrong here. Maybe the girl had one foot out the door already, maybe she resents you for grabbing mom's attention, maybe she just doesn't like you. Does dad live in a better neighborhood, make more money, does she have friends there? Is dad paying child support? Do they talk. Did he have a role in this? You see? There's just too much.

Look, when you are no longer angry, you need to talk with these people in a slow, quiet voice, with gentle hand gestures. Keep your hands in your pockets if you have to. There is more to this story. Sometimes you can wreck a relationship with a careless sentence or two but not usually. It's almost always repairable.

As I said, so you feel a little better, it's usually always repairable. Somehow I sense this "move" to dad's won't last very long. Especially if mom has anything to say about it.
 
I don't know if any of you have step children, but what you are saying is far from the truth. Being a step father can be very rewarding. He mention her age at 14, have any of you have kids or had kids at that age? They are all difficult, even your very own children. Most teenagers are. They think they know everything at that point and look at you like you are stupid. Joys of having a teenager.

Having step children depends when you had them and at what age. I have a 9 year old step daughter who looks at me as her father. This is very rewarding. I get to fill a hole in her life and craft her future. Big responsibility, but very rewarding. Trust me, they will never forget what you did for them. I am sure when she gets to be a teenager, she will have second thoughts of me. This is typical.

You latch out on anger, and you can't do that with any child. You have to learn patience, but at the same time, you are the father and she needs to respect that. You do that with much patience and love, not anger. One bout of saying angry words will not ruin your relationship. Simply apologize and move on. These are the trying years. All teenagers are. You won't be able to do a lot with their thought process at this time, but don't give up. I agree with Ouch, this is not going to last. She is just showing you her typical teenager rebellion.
 
Last edited:
Mopar, I agree with OTH in that you cant tell half the story and expect a resolution or even a proper opinion on the situation. You have to back track and state the series pf events that lead you to explode like that. If its personal stuff we understand but to get honest opinions and or a resolution it would be best to state the whole story.

That being said, I know time heals everything. When the situation cools down a bit, i am sure they will gladly accept your apoligies and hopefuly you guys can come up with a solution even. I truly hope everything works out for you bro!


-Baseline
 
i have had 2 stepdads, you can never replace being there father, but just try to be as much of a friend as possible
 
I've see a lot of crazy things. A girl at 14 is about as predictable as the weather. Moving with dad is about the most harmless thing she could have done. I've seen some downright wicked things in my years. It may not make you feel better but just consider two police officers and a rep from child and youth protective services showing up at your door asking things like, "Have you ever touched your wife's daughter inappropriately?"

Believe me, I've sat in a lot of courtrooms as some piss-and-vinegar teenager ruined their stepfathers life with allegations of abuse or sexual misconduct or even statutory rape. Even if charges are thrown out, guy's life is ruined. Career and all.

Today, the ability to be openly transparent as to what goes on behind closed doors is a wonderful thing that has liberated a lot of young girls and women but it has a dark side too. My fiancee also sat on a few of those juries. The testimony and deliberation is awful and often the girl is just trying to get back at her mother's husband but by then the newspapers, even the web, has already gotten hold of the story.
 
I don't know if any of you have step children, but what you are saying is far from the truth. Being a step father can be very rewarding. He mention her age at 14, have any of you have kids or had kids at that age? They are all difficult, even your very own children. Most teenagers are. They think they know everything at that point and look at you like you are stupid. Joys of having a teenager.

Having step children depends when you had them and at what age. I have a 9 year old step daughter who looks at me as her father. This is very rewarding. I get to fill a hole in her life and craft her future. Big responsibility, but very rewarding. Trust me, they will never forget what you did for them. I am sure when she gets to be a teenager, she will have second thoughts of me. This is typical.

You latch out on anger, and you can't do that with any child. You have to learn patience, but at the same time, you are the father and she needs to respect that. You do that with much patience and love, not anger. One bout of saying angry words will not ruin your relationship. Simply apologize and move on. These are the trying years. All teenagers are. You won't be able to do a lot with their thought process at this time, but don't give up. I agree with Ouch, this is not going to last. She is just showing you her typical teenager rebellion.
I don't think "rewarding" is how most step-parents would describe their experience. I'm glad it has been for you. Regardless, if you are one, you married the child's mother, so like it or not, we have a responsibility to the child. Someone else mentioned becoming the kid's "BFF", not sure I agree with that. I agree whole-heartedly that kids are difficult whether you're the biological or step parent. I also don't think the same formula works with every kid. Some kids feel they're not loved. Others never doubt that and take it for granted and use it to their advantage. You couldn't deal with those two kids the exact same way. I'm glad you realize that come teenage years, the 9 year old could turn on you. I just don't remember this level of disrespect towards parents from when I was younger. Some of the stuff that OTH said is down right scary. Not his advice, but the diabolical stuff that kids do to get back at a parent. How would a family ever get past something like that? Mopar - as we've all said, you need to expound on the situation (if you choose to). Otherwise, we're just hijacking your thread with our experiences and going off on tangents.
 
Being a step-parent is the most thankless, unrewarding, no-win situation I've ever been in. The kid will like you for what you bring to the table financially but will resent you for just about everything else. In their eyes, you're not their parent and the kid could give two shits if their mother is happy with you or not. They appear to be selfish beings that are incapable of empathy. Do I have all of the answers? No. It's been a lot of trial and error, most of which hasn't worked. But I do know this, you and your wife HAVE to be on the same page. If you're not, that kid will eat the two of you alive. Secondly, as a step-parent, you playing the "HEAVY" is never going to work. Your wife has to assume that role. You can be the voice of reason and enforce her rules but you can't be the primary disciplinarian. The kid will resent you and assume you're the problem. They don't think like us. They don't empathize like us. Their world is literally a few square miles...and that's it. So, don't think you can drill something into their head. You can't control another human being. I've tried, it doesn't work. If you have insurance, go to a therapist with your wife. Don't worry about being painted as the bad guy. A good therapist wouldn't do that to you. My wife agreed with the behavior problem of her son. She just didn't agree with the way I wanted to handle it. I hope you guys can at least agree there is an issue other than your anger. The anger is the result of a situation that you feel is out of your control and you probably don't agree with how your wife is handling it. Once again, I'm stabbing in the dark because I don't have all the details. I'm making assumptions. Feel free to expound on your situation or shoot me a PM and hopefully I can offer some advice (even if I have trouble following it myself). I feel for you. I thought I was reading something written by me.

I agree, I use my EAP program for something similar as I have my son, my Gf and her daughter as well as my dad under our roof. MY dad tries to over parent me and over step his bounds and my GF's daughter couldn't give a flying fuck about anything I tell her. My therapists says you have to play secondary and decide how much you are willing to put up with and make your decision. Luckily my GF backs up everything I do and I reinforce what she expects, I do not discipline her but pass it on and my GF is quick to bust out the ass whoopins. So if you aren't on the same page and can't get there you have the decision to make because as many have said the kids will chew you up and spit you out, she's fueled many a good workout for
 

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