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O/T: Your spouse/wife and alcohol

JBlaze123

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Dec 5, 2018
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How do you know if your spouse/fiance/wife has an addiction, problem, or dependency on alcohol?

Im sure we have all been in relationships or are in relationships with significant others that drink. While I do not drink regularly, I do enjoy a glass of wine for special events or when going out to dinner, however it is not a part of my daily or weekly routine.

I believe that my fiance has a problem/dependency with alcohol. Most of the days of the week, she drinks after work to wind down and de-stress. This can include 2-4 glasses of wine a night or a couple cocktails of vodka and water mixed with some flavoring. Since we have gotten together I have made it a point about my feelings that it bothers me as she consumes a too much and a majority of the week.

There are times after work when she gets home where we will go grocery shopping and she will bring a "sippy cup" of wine. Or when she is getting ready to go out she will start to have a glass of wine or cocktail when she is doing her make up or hair or something. Then when we go out lets say to dinner or out with friends, once she starts drinking she usually does not stop until she goes to sleep. There have been numerous times where we come home after she has already had 3-4 glasses of wine or multiple coctails and she will make another one and have it at the bedside as she watches TV before going to sleep.

After multiple talks about it, she has cut back in how many days a week she drinks. It seems she went from almost 6-7 days a week to now about 4-5 days a week depending on the week. So far this week she only took one day off from drinking. My problem is that I have never see her have just one glass of wine or one cocktail and then call it quits, which goes back to what I said earlier that once she starts it seems she cant stop.

I have talked to her multiple times about my concerns and have never once called or labeled her an alcoholic but she always gets defensive when i talk about this subject. At times she will she is more then capable of taking care of herself and that she is smart and has a good head on her shoulders and doesn't have a problem. She also states that she enjoys drinking and that she is an adult and can do what she pleases. She has also stated that this is who she is and that she will no change who she is and has already made adjustments. She also thinks im a prude and that my issues with her stem out from the fact that my mom is a high functioning alcoholic.

At this point in time I am not quite sure if I am over reacting or have valid concerns regarding her drinking. I will have to say that the town I live in here, all her friends, family and everyone I have met here in this town display the same drinking habits. I am always a person of moderation and balance in life and my gut tells me that this is a problem.

That being said, I am interested if any of you out here on PM have encountered something like this, are in a situation like this and what your opinion is reading this. I would appreciate any feedback.
 
I have nothing to say other than a nomination for "Most interesting first member post of the year....."
 
Hard to say but seems like she is on it to often. I myself have 2-4 every Friday and Saturday night with the wife. I would probably feel more energetic if I cut it out but it does make the ghosts of the week go into the background so I can relax. You ahve to be careful how you approach it b/c she is an adult and can make her own choices. 1/2 a bottle ta bottle of wine a day is going to cause issues over years and these things tend to escalate. People have different tolerances for ethanol just like steroids so for me maybe a gram is too much or just enough and for someone else 3 grams is just enough.
 
How old is she?

Does she or did she work in a bar?

Does her behavior get bad, particularly to you, when she drinks?
 
I've got a good amount of experience on the topic. Your wife ain't an alky. She is just irresponsible with her drinking and feels really comfortable throwing your feelings on the backburner. Just something to think about.

"Alcoholic" is an outdated term anyway. It's called an alcohol use disorder now, which pretty much encompasses everything from binge drinking to problem drinking to full blown "I'm going to have a seizure if I don't chug 4 shots of 100 proof vodka in the morning" type drinking.


Based on the definition the American Medical Association puts out, she drinks too much. Period. It doesn't matter whether she drinks once a month or everyday though. The actual problem is the fact that you addressed your concerns in a reasonable manner, and she brushed them off as if you're some empty beer can on the kitchen table.



I'm assuming you'll be footing the bill when the $10,000 DUI case rears its ugly head on one of these grocery store trips?
 
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She will be 30 soon.

No she does not, she works a desk job.

Her behavior and attitude can get bad with verbal abuse when she dink’s and we are in a fight.

I swear alcohol is the devil!

But then you know she looks at the fact I use PEDs and says I am not someone to speak but alcohol and addiction I believe is a serious problem in this generation.

How old is she?

Does she or did she work in a bar?

Does her behavior get bad, particularly to you, when she drinks?
 
Agreed, I do not believe she is an alcoholic but do believe she does have a dependency on it and as you said can be irresponsible.

And yes, I agree with you again about her brushing me off like that. Which has lead to her to saying “how do I bother you or how does it affect you if I’m at home and just relaxing.”

The problem is she doesn’t find my concerns valid. She states that she doesn’t get drunk, she goes to work, and that it shouldn’t be a problem for her to consume a beverage as she is “an adult” and can do as she pleases

Wow... that’s how much a DUI costs? Yeah I will not be paying that at all if it does happen :)

I've got a good amount of experience on the topic. Your wife ain't an alky. She is just irresponsible with her drinking and feels really comfortable throwing your feelings on the backburner. Just something to think about.

"Alcoholic" is an outdated term anyway. It's called an alcohol use disorder now, which pretty much encompasses everything from binge drinking to problem drinking to full blown "I'm going to have a seizure if I don't chug 4 shots of 100 proof vodka in the morning" type drinking.


Based on the definition the American Medical Association puts out, she drinks too much. Period. It doesn't matter whether she drinks once a month or everyday though. The actual problem is the fact that you addressed your concerns in a reasonable manner, and she brushed them off as if you're some empty beer can on the kitchen table.



I'm assuming you'll be footing the bill when the $10,000 DUI case rears its ugly head on one of these grocery store trips?
 
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Agreed, I do not believe she is an alcoholic but do believe she does have a dependency on it and as you said can be irresponsible.

And yes, I agree with you again about her brushing me off like that. Which has lead to her to saying “how do I bother you or how does it affect you if I’m at home and just relaxing.”

The problem is she doesn’t find my concerns valid. She states that she doesn’t get drunk, she goes to work, and that it shouldn’t be a problem for her to consume a beverage as she is “an adult” and can do as she pleases

Wow... that’s how much a DUI costs? Yeah I will not be paying that at all if it does happen :)

I guess just ask yourself what your idea of a perfect future is. Especially if you plan on putting kids in the equation sometime. Do you want a household where it's acceptable to be buzzed 5 nights out the week?

https://www.webmd.com/women/news/20180718/alcohol-consumption-among-women-is-on-the-rise

You can thank the feminists for that one.

Point blank, she knows she has you locked down. Now that she's married she can booze, eat junk, do whatever pretty much since the objective has already been completed.

We gave women all these freedoms and all this political power that they literally don't know what to do with. They become bored. Depressed. Because deep down they know they're not fulfilling their purpose. What you're going to see over the next decade is women drinking and being promiscuous even more than men, putting off childbearing even longer, becoming more obsessed with dogs and cats that don't hold them to any behavioral standard, hell, even treating them like children. Gaining more and more weight while simultaneously demanding more luxuries.



TL;DR, alcohol is not the issue here. She just blatantly doesn't respect you, dude.

And yeah that's a good liberal estimate of a DUI case. Lawyer + bail + classes + probation + court fees + additional overhead in car insurance costs. You're looking at a safe 8-10 racks in the grand total. And that's provided you get lucky and don't actually get into an accident.


edit: Hold up. I just read she's not even your wife yet. Lol...please use this time to think long and hard about where you want this to go in the future. You still have time to make your escape thankfully.
 
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Some people who drink that much have a problem. Some dont. It could go either way. I dont see anything wrong with her use. I do wonder how you managed to get engaged when you have this difference in opinions of lifestyle.

Maybe try to get her to exchange alcohol with weed.
 
I do wonder how you managed to get engaged when you have this difference in opinions of lifestyle.

Because she wasn't always like that, of course. People tend to get a little complacent when the finish line is in sight. The rest is then soon to follow.


OP, who is the primary breadwinner out of you two? You or her?
 
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Alcohol was the reason my marriage ended. And I would say she does have an alcohol problem. Nothing wrong with a little pre-gaming before you head out for the night, but a "sippy cup" of wine before/during the grocery store? A bit much I think.

You may just have a buzz junkie on your hands, I say this because I am a bit of one myself, do her and yourself a favor try and replace the alcohol with weed. It's not perfect but the effects are, imo, far less harmful.

Either way good luck dude, I know first hand how tough it can be, to be in your shoes, it's heartbreaking.
 
I would get this address before you tie the knot too. If its a problem now it will be a problem later and your income and net worth will be on the line if you choose to split.
 
My fiancé has no problem killing a bottle of wine a night. Usually 0-2 glasses Monday to Thursday. Friday to Sunday multiple bottles ez pz.

Feel like I need to snitch to her coach about it.... lol
 
Thanks man, really appreciate it. It is heartbreaking. I am setting us up to see a therapist to intervene as my fiancé basically thinks I’m a prude and my issues stem from the fact that my mom is a high functioning alcoholic which doesn’t make any sense to me and is more of an excuse/something she feels to use against me.

I do believe that she chases the buzz to drink and is a buzz junkie. Never thought about it from that point of view. Problem is I live in a town where everyone does that, seems like the norm here and I’m the one out of place lol.0

Alcohol was the reason my marriage ended. And I would say she does have an alcohol problem. Nothing wrong with a little pre-gaming before you head out for the night, but a "sippy cup" of wine before/during the grocery store? A bit much I think.

You may just have a buzz junkie on your hands, I say this because I am a bit of one myself, do her and yourself a favor try and replace the alcohol with weed. It's not perfect but the effects are, imo, far less harmful.

Either way good luck dude, I know first hand how tough it can be, to be in your shoes, it's heartbreaking.
 
Haha I wonder how many carbs she puts away from the wine


My fiancé has no problem killing a bottle of wine a night. Usually 0-2 glasses Monday to Thursday. Friday to Sunday multiple bottles ez pz.

Feel like I need to snitch to her coach about it.... lol
 
Definitely a tough spot to be in and I've called it quits in a relationship before over pretty much this exact same scenario.

What sticks out to me is the whole "this is who I am" thing and calling you a prude. Most people (at least I assume so) don't drink that much or try to guilt others for not partaking. That's clear addict behavior.

I feel for you man, it's a tough situation, but the fact she's blowing off your concerns while trying to validate her own behavior seems like a giant red flag and will more than likely carry over to other aspects of life.

Whatever you do, don't compromise your own values and feelings as you'll just end up resentful.
 
Thanks man, really appreciate your empathy and response to the situation.

The only time she calls me “prude” or “this is who I am” is during the times I talk to her about this issue and my concern. It’s like her go to response along with saying how my issues are because my mom is a real alcoholic and I need to stop comparing my mom to her, which I don’t do. It’s pretty much just an excuse she has and the only defense she says.

I’m just not sure how I should approach her or what to say to her as no matter the approach she always gets defensive and angry. I have scheduled an appointment for couples therapy and she is pretty positive that the therapist is going to tel me that what she does is normal and everyone does it and I’m the one who has a problem.

But I’ve matured throughout this process and relationship as wel as laying off the tren to not let what she says bother me and bark back. Instead I’m trying to stay positive and proactive by asking for advice, getting a therapist, or even changing the way I respond and react to her.

Definitely a tough spot to be in and I've called it quits in a relationship before over pretty much this exact same scenario.

What sticks out to me is the whole "this is who I am" thing and calling you a prude. Most people (at least I assume so) don't drink that much or try to guilt others for not partaking. That's clear addict behavior.

I feel for you man, it's a tough situation, but the fact she's blowing off your concerns while trying to validate her own behavior seems like a giant red flag and will more than likely carry over to other aspects of life.

Whatever you do, don't compromise your own values and feelings as you'll just end up resentful.
 
Spot on advice right here...run don't walk away


I guess just ask yourself what your idea of a perfect future is. Especially if you plan on putting kids in the equation sometime. Do you want a household where it's acceptable to be buzzed 5 nights out the week?

https://www.webmd.com/women/news/20180718/alcohol-consumption-among-women-is-on-the-rise

You can thank the feminists for that one.

Point blank, she knows she has you locked down. Now that she's married she can booze, eat junk, do whatever pretty much since the objective has already been completed.

We gave women all these freedoms and all this political power that they literally don't know what to do with. They become bored. Depressed. Because deep down they know they're not fulfilling their purpose. What you're going to see over the next decade is women drinking and being promiscuous even more than men, putting off childbearing even longer, becoming more obsessed with dogs and cats that don't hold them to any behavioral standard, hell, even treating them like children. Gaining more and more weight while simultaneously demanding more luxuries.



TL;DR, alcohol is not the issue here. She just blatantly doesn't respect you, dude.

And yeah that's a good liberal estimate of a DUI case. Lawyer + bail + classes + probation + court fees + additional overhead in car insurance costs. You're looking at a safe 8-10 racks in the grand total. And that's provided you get lucky and don't actually get into an accident.


edit: Hold up. I just read she's not even your wife yet. Lol...please use this time to think long and hard about where you want this to go in the future. You still have time to make your escape thankfully.
 
If alcohol affects daily life and relationships ,she’s an alcoholic. If it does not , then she is not. I am a product of two alcoholics. If it stays the same and you marry and have kids, get ready for chaos!!!!
 
at first i wanna say everyone has their own habit,alcohol sometimes a way of releasing pressure,but after i saw she said your mom also addiction,then i just want to say she is not the right women for you,you deserve better
 

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