To The Guys...

[OuchThatHurts]

I posted this in another thread that was sort of buried so I thought I'd post it here so that everyone might have a chance to share their experiences. I get a lot of messages and emails regarding breakups and why, oh why, could this happen? How can she just turn off her feelings? I wrote the below in response to that exact question and someone has asked me to make this a thread.

It used to perplex me why many women can go from breakup to new relationship in such a short amount time (month, weeks, or even days) while men, on the other hand, will suffer terrible anguish for months, maybe years on end before they finally let it go. If you don't believe me, just read this forum!

First, let me say that I think women are awesome. I've found a great woman and we've been together for many years and this I'll do my best not to let this seem derogatory because it it really isn't in any way. And to be clear, while I'm saying that the following may be true for many women, it certainly doesn't apply to all women. All women are different the same way all men are different. I had to get my disclaimer in there because there are women on this board and I don't want them hunting me down like an animal.

I truly believe that women are much more sensitive and in tune of a man's feelings than men are to theirs. Probably largely in part that women are, for many reasons, much more able to express emotions openly and without judgment than a man may be or believes he may be. When I say many reasons, I mean upbringing, societal pressure, our fathers, things of that nature. Since they are able to indulge in the expression and cultivation of their emotions, the emotions they feel become a larger part of their overall human language.

Men, however, are under pressure to avoid getting emotional. To maintain control of themselves and behave in a way where he's less likely to embarrass himself. "Get a hold of yourself, man!" Not only do I believe this can be a good thing, I think sometimes the control of emotions is absolutely necessary to the man's health and the health of everyone and everything around him.

I'm trying very hard not to write a textbook here so let's just say that men, whatever the reason may be, will often behave in ways that are deeply hurtful to a women's feelings. Women accept these hurtful things and allow them to pile up inside. Sometime even for many years. Women will often go to ridiculous lengths to try to express to a man how hurt they are feeling and sometimes may not want to or be able to articulate the reason why. The cry for help will then just fall on deaf ears to the man because he says, "She's on the rag," or, "I have no idea what her problem is," or, "She's crying again and can't even tell me why."

And why? The reason may very well be because she is not upset about one single thing but a whole range of things. Probably things leftover from the last time you didn't take the time to listen to her. Maybe it's a month, a year, or 10 years of pain bottled up there. This is all a double-edged sword for us because while she'll put up with your dumb ass, the pain of being cheated on, the always late, never call, roll over and go to sleep, she will also not forget it. And that big well of shit will eventually start to chip away at her feelings for you.

Time goes by, and these feelings she once felt so strongly for you are slowly dying, day by day. And you go about your business as she doesn't seem to care any longer if you stay out all night, or go out with his friends on her birthday, or whatever. You're thinking, "I can't believe she's letting me get away with this!"

Further and further away she drifts until the feelings she once had for you are completely and utterly gone. Then *she* begins to go out, stay out later and later, txt messaging, staying up all night on her phone, her tablet, or computer. Then she eventually she meets a guy. A guy who's new, exciting, hangs on every word she (or at least acts like he is) and then guess what happens?

Her: "We need to talk."

WHAM!

She breaks up with you and what do you know? She's dating new interesting guy a week later. Is she a whore? NO, YOU DUMBASS! She was done with your ass months ago. She was already over you and cried and grieved and cried and grieved. She probably even mourned the death of your relationship long before she uttered the words, "We need to talk."

So the way things really are and the way it often appears, can be very different.

I'm sure this is full of grammatical errors and obviously it doesn't apply to every single case but many times, boys, she's over you long before you ever know about it. If she is a healthy woman and you hurt her feelings for long enough, she will leave. I give you my word on that.

So my word of wisdom here guys is simply this: listen to her, be a good and faithful man. Because if you start hurting her feelings, stop showing her appreciation, start screwing around, the only ass that will eventually be screwed is your own.

You heard it here.

 

[oldfella]

Well there you go, finally someone has put into words what every woman has tried to tell all us dumbasses for years. Ouch this is a classic brother and I take my hat off to you. This is the truth as plain as day.

I have been fortnate or unfortunate enough to work this out about women. So that is the fortunate side of things. The unfortunate side of it is it cost me my marriage of twenty years. That was about three years ago. I never cheated but did neglect so much of what Ouch has in this post. So yes she put up with a lot on my bullshit for years until it was, "I want out". Out of your life, out of this house and just out all together.

Moral of this story and for other guys here, sit down, listen with your heart and your mind to what your girl is trying to tell you. Pay attention and don't pretned to be listening, that will bite you in the ass later if you do.

The word is sensitive, be sensisitive to her needs and wants.

Great post Ouch!!

 

[hwood]

Ouch, my man. I won't get into details of my own last 15 years in a relationship, however, you summarized exactly and empathetically what she and then - ultimately - I went through. I had a lump in my throat the whole time reading your message.

I can tell you it comes from someone looking in the rearview mirror, and that can now see things with clear eyes, clear head, and love in your heart.

I still struggle - as does she - but it gets a little better every single day.

Very good post, my man.

 

[cslim]

Awesome and totally true post, Ouch!

 

[thebrick]

great post Ouch! But, do you think us guys will "get it" because its written in black and white?

 

[OuchThatHurts]

great post Ouch! But, do you think us guys will "get it" because its written in black and white?

Well one in ten of us, including myself, are colorblind. As to 1 in 50 for women. So hopefully our "rods" will prevail. PUN INTENDED.

(I hope someone here gets that LOL)

 

[thebrick]

Well one in ten of us, including myself, are colorblind. As to 1 in 50 for women. So hopefully our "rods" will prevail. PUN INTENDED.

(I hope someone here gets that LOL)

Well, my wife claims that most men think with their "rods"… I don't see it

 

[meanjoebean]

HAHA rods and cones, good one. Great post by the way, I think you're spot on.

 

[wrought]

So my word of wisdom here guys is simply this: Be a good and faithful man, because if you start screwing around, the only ass that will be getting screwed eventually is your own.

That's a great post Ouch and conversely its worth noting that if you are good and faithful man, she may still screw around on you and then you're left to rationalize an explanation where it is really your behaviour that was the cause of her unfaithfulness. Life may be inconsistent, but at least it keeps things interesting.

 

[mo chuisle]

I truly believe that women are much more sensitive and in tune of a man's feelings than a man is of a woman's feelings. Men, however, are under pressure to AVOID getting emotional - to keep hold of themselves and behave in a way that befits a man.

Women accept these hurtful things and allow them to build up - sometime even for years. Women often go to almost ridiculous lengths to try to express to a man how hurt they are and oftentimes can't even articulate the reason why ... And that big well of shit will eventually start to chip away and the foundation of her feelings for the man.

Time goes by, and these feelings she once felt so strongly for this man are slowly dying, day by day, and the man goes about his business as she doesn't seem to care if he stays out all night, or go out with his friends on her birthday, whatever ...

She was done with your ass months ago! She was already over you and grieved and cried, and was depressed at your loss and the death a looooong time before she uttered the words, "We need to talk..."

So the way it really is, and the way it often appears, can be very different.

So true, Ouch. Very well put! I just went through something like you just described ...

 

[OuchThatHurts]

That's a great post Ouch and conversely its worth noting that if you are good and faithful man, she may still screw around on you and then you're left to rationalize an explanation where it is really your behaviour that was the cause of her unfaithfulness. Life may be inconsistent, but at least it keeps things interesting.

Oh sure! I didn't mean screwing around as in having sex with other women. Bad choice of words on my part. I just mean it as in, "Hey guys don't screw this up!"

But alas, you are right. You can do everything seemingly right and things will go wrong but that's not your fault and you don't need to own that. It doesn't even mean she did anything wrong. Sometimes it's simply not meant to be.

So true, Ouch. Very well put! I just went through something like you just described ...

Well thank you but I'm very sorry to hear that. How are things going? I'd believe you if you told me you took it out on the competition because you've been doing and looking phenomenal. I'm glad you're through it and hopefully you're having some fun. Make time to play. We spend enough time working.

 

[mo chuisle]

Well thank you but I'm very sorry to hear that. How are things going? I'd believe you if you told me you took it out on the competition because you've been doing and looking phenomenal. I'm glad you're through it and hopefully you're having some fun. Make time to play. We spend enough time working.

Thanks, and you're right - I took all the negative things and turned them into motivation for my shows. I stopped feeling guilty for spending more time at the gym than with someone else, and really focused on my training. Life is good right now!

 

[Big Bapper]

I think allot of guys pre-contest should remember this thread, thank you for starting this thread OTH. Both you and sigmund amaze me with your intellengents and insight into life.

Respect.

 

[Sassy]

Very good post OTH.

Guys, there is a very good book that is written by Gary Smalley called If only he knew: What no woman can resist

During my first marriage, my mom bought this book for my brother and husband to read. Knowing that my husband would never in a million years read a book recommended by my mom, I talked to his sister. She and her husband had been to Gary Smalley's seminars and read several of his books. She recommended to my husband. Anyway he read it, but things in our marriage didn't get any better and needless to say we are divorced now.

I can tell you this book is a great book. I read it because I thought how would a man know what I was feeling. He does a very good job covering some key problems in a marriage or relationship.

Anyway... I still recommend it.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Very good post OTH.

Guys, there is a very good book that is written by Gary Smalley called If only he knew: What no woman can resist

During my first marriage, my mom bought this book for my brother and husband to read. Knowing that my husband would never in a million years read a book recommended by my mom, I talked to his sister. She and her husband had been to Gary Smalley's seminars and read several of his books. She recommended to my husband. Anyway he read it, but things in our marriage didn't get any better and needless to say we are divorced now.

I can tell you this book is a great book. I read it because I thought how would a man know what I was feeling. He does a very good job covering some key problems in a marriage or relationship.

Anyway... I still recommend it.

Okay guys. This advice came from a woman so it's probably worth a look!

 

[Kaiser]

Funny thing is OTH, I just sent Simone a text message stating that I loved her for putting up with my extreme ways about 10 minutes before reading this. I'm not the easiest to get along with as far as a relationship is concerned, especially knowing that I am not suited for one woman sexually. Either way, awesome thread created by you as usual, and thanks to Simone for putting up with my overwhelming libido.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Funny thing is OTH, I just sent Simone a text message stating that I loved her for putting up with my extreme ways about 10 minutes before reading this. I'm not the easiest to get along with as far as a relationship is concerned, especially knowing that I am not suited for one woman sexually. Either way, awesome thread created by you as usual, and thanks to Simone for putting up with my overwhelming libido.

Thank you my friend. Simone's a nice gal to put up with you for sure. Sexy too. I have to go back to Jersey. I was just there for 4 days on the the southern most tip. Got to see a few sunsets on the water. We don't get that opportunity out here on the east coast too much.

Ah, you know we all love ya.

 

[Kaiser]

When you are ready to come back, mi casa, su casa. Let me know.

 

[Sassy]

You can't place failed relationships on just men or women. I certainly don't believe in men bashing, and I've been treated pretty crappy by some men.

It goes both ways that is why communication is so important. You have some men that are more emotional than some women. Some women have higher sex drives than some men. Some women just can't stay faithful just like there are some men who can't be faithful. The main thing the keeps a relationship strong is communication and respect for each other. It also helps to find someone who you are compatible with.

Some of the things I found lacking in my marriage that killed it for me:

• He didn't need me. I guess men want to show how strong they can be. There should be a balance. Yes, I want someone who is strong emotionally, but I also want to know that I'm needed too.

• He always trying to fix things. Once again, it was great that he wanted to fix all my problems. Some things you have to do yourself. You have to work through them on your own. It got to be where he was always telling what I should or shouldn't do. It was like I couldn't make a decision on my own. When all I really needed from his was to listen too me. Sometimes don't take what your woman is saying to heart. Lend her your ear instead of doing all the talking.

• He wanted to change me. Correcting me in front of people when I was talking. Constantly telling me what I did wrong. He always has a better way of doing things. He was an engineer. Part of my career is a graphic designer. Our minds think differently than a engineer, but just because I don't think that way, doesn't mean my way is the right or wrong way. He never ever worked out, and I never asked him to go to the gym. I accepted this about him. However, I was given an ultimatum him or the gym.

• Housework... is this a fight that you have a lot. You work all week. She works all week, but is she doing all the housework? Come on guys. I can guarantee that she doesn't like doing housework either. Truth be know she hates it! Give her a hand and don't wait for her to tell you to do something. You will score more points this way.

• Tell her that she is beautiful. I was married 8 years, and he never once told me I looked beautiful. No, I'm not exaggerating. I use joke with people that I could cut off my right arm and he wouldn't notice. On those occasions when your woman steps into the room and you think "WOW".... be sure and tell her. Don't keep it to yourself.

• Put your wife first. I was not the most important thing to him. If I was, I never new it. There was always something more important going on. I felt so far down his list that I'm not sure where I fit in. He never had time for me. He was a workaholic. He spent all of his time either at work or school.

• Sex. This subject doesn't sound like a problem for you guys, but it was for me. He never wanted sex. We would go just about 3 months before he want any. The longest was 6. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. He even moved into the guest bedroom and slept there until I asked for a divorce.

• Find something you two have in common to do together. It's ok to have separate hobbies, but be sure and find something that both enjoy doing. This is important because it keeps you from growing apart. We grew apart. We didn't have anything in common.

Too many time men and women get married and think it's going to be like a fairy tale. There are too many unrealistic expectations. Instead of recognizing the differences between men and women and trying to work through them. Too many times we just quit working and give up. This goes for both men and women. I know it seems like I'm picking on you I'm not... I have a target audience. I know it works both ways.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

You can't place failed relationships on just men or women. I certainly don't believe in men bashing, and I've been treated pretty crappy by some men.

It goes both ways that is why communication is so important. You have some men that are more emotional than some women. Some women have higher sex drives than some men. Some women just can't stay faithful just like there are some men who can't be faithful. The main thing the keeps a relationship strong is communication and respect for each other. It also helps to find someone who you are compatible with.

Some of the things I found lacking in my marriage that killed it for me:

Too many time men and women get married and think it's going to be like a fairy tale. There are too many unrealistic expectations. Instead of recognizing the differences between men and women and trying to work through them. Too many times we just quit working and give up. This goes for both men and women. I know it seems like I'm picking on you I'm not... I have a target audience. I know it works both ways.

Great, great post! I know it wasn't easy to put yourself out there so do you mind if I ask you a few questions? Obviously you don't have to answer but if I may:

• He didn't need me. I guess men want to show how strong they can be. There should be a balance. Yes, I want someone who is strong emotionally, but I also want to know that I'm needed too.

Did you reinforce to him that you felt he was strong and assure him that he had nothing to prove? Perhaps he was or at least felt he was lacking in his male role?

• He always trying to fix things. Once again, it was great that he wanted to fix all my problems. Some things you have to do yourself. You have to work through them on your own. It got to be where he was always telling what I should or shouldn't do. It was like I couldn't make a decision on my own. When all I really needed from his was to listen too me. Sometimes don't take what your woman is saying to heart. Lend her your ear instead of doing all the talking.

This sounds much like the above - him needing to show or prove his worth not just as a person, but as a man.

• He wanted to change me. Correcting me in front of people when I was talking. Constantly telling me what I did wrong. He always has a better way of doing things. He was an engineer. Part of my career is a graphic designer. Our minds think differently than a engineer, but just because I don't think that way, doesn't mean my way is the right or wrong way. He never ever worked out, and I never asked him to go to the gym. I accepted this about him. However, I was given an ultimatum him or the gym.

This is sort of a tough one but I'll bet the person he was really correcting was himself. It sounds as though by being hyper-critical of you, he perhaps wasn't quite so bad.

• Housework... is this a fight that you have a lot. You work all week. She works all week, but is she doing all the housework? Come on guys. I can guarantee that she doesn't like doing housework either. Truth be know she hates it! Give her a hand and don't wait for her to tell you to do something. You will score more points this way.

Okay, this is a deadbeat thing that both girls and guys do. However, men and women often have different views of what's an acceptable standard of living. Even so, by him expecting the house to be cleaned by you, it could easily have been one more way he could, even if subconsciously, make you feel bad about you. The way he felt bad about him.

• Tell her that she is beautiful. I was married 8 years, and he never once told me I looked beautiful. No, I'm not exaggerating. I use joke with people that I could cut off my right arm and he wouldn't notice. On those occasions when your woman steps into the room and you think "WOW".... be sure and tell her. Don't keep it to yourself.

• Put your wife first. I was not the most important thing to him. If I was, I never new it. There was always something more important going on. I felt so far down his list that I'm not sure where I fit in. He never had time for me. He was a workaholic. He spent all of his time either at work or school.

I combined these because this is just more neglect towards you and the relationship on his part.

• Sex. This subject doesn't sound like a problem for you guys, but it was for me. He never wanted sex. We would go just about 3 months before he want any. The longest was 6. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. He even moved into the guest bedroom and slept there until I asked for a divorce.

This could be for many reasons. Questions I might ask you would be if you think you did everything to make yourself sexually attractive to him. Not just in a physical way, but in a vulnerable way. Much can play into this. First, your feelings of neglect may have led to you intentionally, even if not consciously, being unattractive or not enticing to him. This type of complex manipulation can happen from both sides and not always on the surface which is the exact reason why it can go on for years yet the problems remain unsolved.

• Find something you two have in common to do together. It's ok to have separate hobbies, but be sure and find something that both enjoy doing. This is important because it keeps you from growing apart. We grew apart. We didn't have anything in common.

I'm being presumptuous here but I think growing apart, as you say, is exactly what you both wanted based on what I've read. Sooner or later, one or both sides just say to hell with it and go on elsewhere. Above all things, the one thing that seems to be missing here is solid communication. I'm sure the two of you communicated these feelings but I bet it was not in a constructive manner and on neutral ground. Did communication eventually become hostile confrontations or was there simply no communication?

The two of you may have felt love for one another, you may have even been in love, but did you really like each other? Sometimes the idea of a couple is much better than the reality of the couple itself.

Again, great post and I'm so glad that you took the time to share this with us. You seem like a much happier person today so I'm very happy for you and your love.

Take care,

OTH