- Joined
- Feb 25, 2012
- Messages
- 771
I've been down this dark alley road before, it follows me and has been following me since I was younger. Now that I have overcome my youth and succeeded in life I still find some emptiness within. I am not a religious man, don't have the beliefs that most people believe in such as in a religion, a God, etc I do know that just maybe there is something spiritual out there, but I don't label it a God or put a religious title on it but that's just me so please don't bash me for how I view religion, organize beliefs and faiths.
Ok back on my topic. I came from from a very negative and destructive background, my mother was a heroine addict, alcoholic and my father was too. I didn't grow up like with positive role models, and I was mentally and physically abused by a grandmother who raised me. I was a messed when I was a child, getting kicked out of every school, fighting, being lost, beating up teachers, principals, kids, you name it. Finally my grandmother decided to send me back to New York because she couldn't handle me anymore, I met my father for the first time at the age of 8 or 9, I didn't know how to read, write, tell time, etc at that age. My father was married to a women who I would call her my step mother, she helped me learn quite a few things, anyway, I saw a lot of abuse between my step mother and father, my father had an addiction with drugs and alcohol and what I saw inside the home was not pretty. So as I child I often wondered why I wasn't love or had the support that I needed and wanted. I was thrown in shelters, left in the streets, had to fend for my own, and cutting this story short here I am today. I could of became just like them, but I didn't. I overcame my past with some hard work but as far as I could remember I always suffered from some form of depression. I've done some great things in my life, served my country, went to war, serve the community and I have been in some great careers/professions but as the older that I have gotten I know that a dark secret has followed me throughout my life.
Now I find myself at 45 yrs of life wondering what the hell is wrong with me and what is the direction in my life. I have always been unhealthy personal relationships, I have always dated the wrong girls, I have made countless of mistakes with woman's but I understand now that I wasn't raised by a good mother, father, or family support system to know much about coping skills, love acceptance and forgiveness. Since I am a combat veteran I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, PTSD and I suffered a traumatic brain injury due to
Combat service. Now my TBI could be attributed to all of the physical abused that endured as a child or just maybe my combat experience. I suffered a lot of brain trauma, I was banged up pretty good in the military, and in life.
What I have come to realize is that I truly don't have the skills, or copping skills to look at things differently. In paper to many I am a success story, a miracle child, to mostly everyone that knows me they think that I have it made but many don't know that fact that I carry a void within, a vast emptiness, maybe I just feel sorry for myself, maybe I don't, maybe I need to learn about myself, I just can't figure it out. I have almost attempted to end my life quite a few times, but I won't talk about those dark moments. The fact is that nobody truly knows the deep emotional wound and pain that one carries within. That you can look at someone and think, "wow this individual has it made" has the life etc but the fact is that individual is carrying something that nobody knows about.
I don't have a family, all of them are pretty much dead, father died and mother decided to end her life and my family background of support is pretty much none existent. I want to create my own family, maybe have my own wife, learn to know what it is to truly love myself, love others and view my personal life with a different pair of eyeglasses. I mean I should be the happiest guy on earth, I fucking made it! Have a home, a career, make a decent living, I'm healthy, etc so why the fuck am I always suffering from depression? I mean WTF!
I don't see life as positive as others view it, many of those who truly know me tell me to just be happy, think positive, draw a line, forget the past, stop feeling sorry for yourself, live life, and the list goes on. But the reality of the story is that depression is something that is REAL, wether chemically induced, trauma, mental, physical or psychological it does exist. The fact is that ALL of my life I have suffered from some form of depression, and now at this age I have notice that I need to do "something" about it. Don't know exactly what it what direction but I need to somehow overcome this life pattern of mine. Someone once told me that I have grown accustomed to pain that pain is all that I know and that I have learned to feel comfortable with... Now what a fucking light bulb of clarity! Maybe that's a fact, maybe it's not. If I had a choice I wouldn't want to feel unhappy, walking dead or spiritual my dead. I didn't choose this life it was given to me, I didn't choose to be born, didn't choose my parents or past, somehow it choose me instead. I have failed in ALL of my relationships, I have failed in careers, personal life, decisions, and the list goes on. But now I know why to some degree is because I have lived a life with negativity. I know that the past is not suppose make you who you are, but the past defines you to one degree or another.
The fact is that depression does exist, it's real, to many depression is just an excuse to living life but in fact it is not. Millions of people live with it, experience it, suffer from it and many people sadly die because of it. Life is ALL about choices and decisions that we make in life. Now I often wonder if doing cycles can contribute to depression? I did countless of them in my youth! Also, for those that struggle with "depression" have you sought out professional help, happy pills, etc? I've been recommended an anti depressant, in fact many times in my past Dr's have wanted me on some form of an anti depressant but I have chosen not to take them because I feel weak, reminds me of my parents taking drugs because somehow they were depressed themselves and couldn't cope with life. But what choice do I have at this moment?
For those that have suffered from this issue, how have you truly overcome this issue? I have come to this site plenty of times to ask for advice, guidance etc but how do you take a depressive individual to do "something" when he/she has lost hope for just about everything in life? Sure I can listen to motivational tapes, try to think positive, let go or try to let go of the past, changed my mind, views etc all that bs that people recommend but what many don't know that once depression hits you hard, extremely hard is very difficult to create the life that you want of dream of... So how do you guys that have walked in my shoes done it, survived it, overcame it???
Ok back on my topic. I came from from a very negative and destructive background, my mother was a heroine addict, alcoholic and my father was too. I didn't grow up like with positive role models, and I was mentally and physically abused by a grandmother who raised me. I was a messed when I was a child, getting kicked out of every school, fighting, being lost, beating up teachers, principals, kids, you name it. Finally my grandmother decided to send me back to New York because she couldn't handle me anymore, I met my father for the first time at the age of 8 or 9, I didn't know how to read, write, tell time, etc at that age. My father was married to a women who I would call her my step mother, she helped me learn quite a few things, anyway, I saw a lot of abuse between my step mother and father, my father had an addiction with drugs and alcohol and what I saw inside the home was not pretty. So as I child I often wondered why I wasn't love or had the support that I needed and wanted. I was thrown in shelters, left in the streets, had to fend for my own, and cutting this story short here I am today. I could of became just like them, but I didn't. I overcame my past with some hard work but as far as I could remember I always suffered from some form of depression. I've done some great things in my life, served my country, went to war, serve the community and I have been in some great careers/professions but as the older that I have gotten I know that a dark secret has followed me throughout my life.
Now I find myself at 45 yrs of life wondering what the hell is wrong with me and what is the direction in my life. I have always been unhealthy personal relationships, I have always dated the wrong girls, I have made countless of mistakes with woman's but I understand now that I wasn't raised by a good mother, father, or family support system to know much about coping skills, love acceptance and forgiveness. Since I am a combat veteran I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, PTSD and I suffered a traumatic brain injury due to
Combat service. Now my TBI could be attributed to all of the physical abused that endured as a child or just maybe my combat experience. I suffered a lot of brain trauma, I was banged up pretty good in the military, and in life.
What I have come to realize is that I truly don't have the skills, or copping skills to look at things differently. In paper to many I am a success story, a miracle child, to mostly everyone that knows me they think that I have it made but many don't know that fact that I carry a void within, a vast emptiness, maybe I just feel sorry for myself, maybe I don't, maybe I need to learn about myself, I just can't figure it out. I have almost attempted to end my life quite a few times, but I won't talk about those dark moments. The fact is that nobody truly knows the deep emotional wound and pain that one carries within. That you can look at someone and think, "wow this individual has it made" has the life etc but the fact is that individual is carrying something that nobody knows about.
I don't have a family, all of them are pretty much dead, father died and mother decided to end her life and my family background of support is pretty much none existent. I want to create my own family, maybe have my own wife, learn to know what it is to truly love myself, love others and view my personal life with a different pair of eyeglasses. I mean I should be the happiest guy on earth, I fucking made it! Have a home, a career, make a decent living, I'm healthy, etc so why the fuck am I always suffering from depression? I mean WTF!
I don't see life as positive as others view it, many of those who truly know me tell me to just be happy, think positive, draw a line, forget the past, stop feeling sorry for yourself, live life, and the list goes on. But the reality of the story is that depression is something that is REAL, wether chemically induced, trauma, mental, physical or psychological it does exist. The fact is that ALL of my life I have suffered from some form of depression, and now at this age I have notice that I need to do "something" about it. Don't know exactly what it what direction but I need to somehow overcome this life pattern of mine. Someone once told me that I have grown accustomed to pain that pain is all that I know and that I have learned to feel comfortable with... Now what a fucking light bulb of clarity! Maybe that's a fact, maybe it's not. If I had a choice I wouldn't want to feel unhappy, walking dead or spiritual my dead. I didn't choose this life it was given to me, I didn't choose to be born, didn't choose my parents or past, somehow it choose me instead. I have failed in ALL of my relationships, I have failed in careers, personal life, decisions, and the list goes on. But now I know why to some degree is because I have lived a life with negativity. I know that the past is not suppose make you who you are, but the past defines you to one degree or another.
The fact is that depression does exist, it's real, to many depression is just an excuse to living life but in fact it is not. Millions of people live with it, experience it, suffer from it and many people sadly die because of it. Life is ALL about choices and decisions that we make in life. Now I often wonder if doing cycles can contribute to depression? I did countless of them in my youth! Also, for those that struggle with "depression" have you sought out professional help, happy pills, etc? I've been recommended an anti depressant, in fact many times in my past Dr's have wanted me on some form of an anti depressant but I have chosen not to take them because I feel weak, reminds me of my parents taking drugs because somehow they were depressed themselves and couldn't cope with life. But what choice do I have at this moment?
For those that have suffered from this issue, how have you truly overcome this issue? I have come to this site plenty of times to ask for advice, guidance etc but how do you take a depressive individual to do "something" when he/she has lost hope for just about everything in life? Sure I can listen to motivational tapes, try to think positive, let go or try to let go of the past, changed my mind, views etc all that bs that people recommend but what many don't know that once depression hits you hard, extremely hard is very difficult to create the life that you want of dream of... So how do you guys that have walked in my shoes done it, survived it, overcame it???