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allright, im here. but where is HERE?

lyndonlawrence

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I admittingly am ging thru midlife crisis. married 30 years to a sweet, pure, virgin when we met, Christian who can do no wrong. we have a great set of kids. 2 are gainfully employed well mannered and contribute to society. one has 2 grandkids that we love but they are 19 hours away. I have an 18 year old still home junior in high school. however I feel I am done with this part of my life. it was such a struggle to be a dad. I was embarrassed when they called me one. I never knew what a dad was. all I knew was to keep my kids safe and be there for them. I was mostly a stay home dad working odd jobs so I could be close to them and not allow what happened to me , happen to them. but I was and am still emotionally distant as I dint want my crazy lifestyle and shame and guilt to rub off on them.
you see, my dad died when I was one. my mom went crazy and married and slept with everything that walked in the door. I had 4 or five step dads. I was pretty much emotionally abandoned at 12 and dropped out of school as a junior. joined the navy and got out early to meet this fabulous life- saving creature. she grounded me somewhat. I have cheated on her numerous times and my family knows. its bad behavior but certainly brought on by that shytty childhood. It doesn't help that my best friend looks down on what I have done against her and says I am actually in heaven now and he believes when I die I will experience hell.
so my question is this. I have asked her if she would be happier with a Christian man that shares most of her values as it would make her happier. she vehemently desires to stay with me. She "gets" me. I just hate all this guilt and shame and wonder how I deserved her. she always joked as many dangerous situations I found myself in that the mayhem guy from allstate commercials is what she thinks my guardian angel looks like!! lol sorry so long but I need a balance, a direction, some peace. thanks
 
You need to let go of your guilt. You are not your past. You are not your mistakes no more than you are what you had for breakfast. Who you are is not who you were or who you'll be. Simply be the man that you aspire to be. It really is that simple. I don't know if you're a man of faith but I am and believe that GOD put your wife in your life for a reason. Cheer up! You have a good woman and the power to turn it all around beginning right now!
 
dude don't be so hard on yourself.."ALL YOU knew was to keep your kids safe and be there for them"..that's a BIG deal. A lot of dads don't do that! Nobody is perfect and you aren't expected to be father of the year, just the best that you can do bro.

Maybe your wife was put in your life for reasons that you don't even know yet. I'm sure you mean a lot to her or she wouldn't still be around.

If you don't love her anymore I would suggest talking to her and coming up with a plan together to go forward or not. A lot of times when someone feels like you do...the other person doesn't even know it and talking about it (as HARD as it seems) really makes it better..whether the relationship works out or not..TRUST ME! Iv'e been there to an extent.

I wish you the best..above all be HAPPY! You have people who love you and you are alive and healthy..no time for being miserable :)

Take Care
 
i do believe in god

You need to let go of your guilt. You are not your past. You are not your mistakes no more than you are what you had for breakfast. Who you are is not who you were or who you'll be. Simply be the man that you aspire to be. It really is that simple. I don't know if you're a man of faith but I am and believe that GOD put your wife in your life for a reason. Cheer up! You have a good woman and the power to turn it all around beginning right now!

but have a hard time with the Christianity part. I know there is life after this , generally I am a happy funny guy that whistles, sings and acts goofey.
I run a successful business that has gotten a little too large for me and started the anxiety 2 years ago that may have brought on the questions and crisis I am dealing with. I was happier as a sole proprietor and as you read, I don't do good with close people. I am very charming for hit and miss customers but long term relationships I suffer from the trust issues that have plagued me so. I could never trust anyone so don't trust me either.

.
 
but have a hard time with the Christianity part. I know there is life after this , generally I am a happy funny guy that whistles, sings and acts goofey.
I run a successful business that has gotten a little too large for me and started the anxiety 2 years ago that may have brought on the questions and crisis I am dealing with. I was happier as a sole proprietor and as you read, I don't do good with close people. I am very charming for hit and miss customers but long term relationships I suffer from the trust issues that have plagued me so. I could never trust anyone so don't trust me either.

.

What's so hard about Christianity? You either believe or you don't. And, historically, you haven't done well with close relationships. So you know the problem and realize it is a problem. You're well on your way. You can either keep doing things the same way you've always done them or you can change. You can change on your own or get professional help which I recommend. You were smart enough to start a successful business so I know you see the value in getting yourself the help you need to achieve true happiness.
 
beautiful irony

so I own a business called A Cheaper Locksmith here in Louisville.
I only go to church around easter and Christmas but went today and what was the sermon about and was written on the bulletin?
"Locked out of your own house" . I prayed for signs last week when I started this thread. Thanks Grand Architect of the Universe for geometrizing continuously.
 
You have to let the guilt go and not live in the past, everyday when you wake up you have a decision to make you can make your self a better person or continue down the path that isn't making you a happier individual.
 
Letting go is easier said then done but is an important part of personal development.

You recognize your errors. You realize the value of your wife and family. You move forward doing the best you can to live the best possible life.

Life is hard. No one is perfect.
 

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