I don't post here often but there seems to be some smart folks around here so I figured it was a good place to vent. My story is a bit long, I'll try to keep it as short as possible:
Back in 2005 I witnessed my step-dad nearly die in a really gruesome accident, the day after I started having horrible panic attacks which have continued five years later. This isn't your regular anxiety.... this is full-blown vertigo/passing out/vomiting/derealization to the point where it makes me almost unable to function at times.
Been in therapy for most of the five years (everytime from CBT to hypnosis to the more occult stuff), I've had every SSRI and MAOI thrown at me, I've had seizure meds, benzodiazapenes (which work as a nice band-aid, but thats it).... you name it, I've taken it, and they have zero effect on me. Doctors are baffled and basically say they have no idea where to turn.
Long story short, I'm screwed. I've been in three relationships since I had this and ruined them all, since I can barely ever leave the house to social events which is obviously a big problem for most people. For this same reason I alienated most of my friends. You have to understand, I can't just be popping Xanax daily, the tolerance ruins it quickly so I have to save it for one a week or so.
Let's cut to the chase, I'm serving no purpose to society.... I can't work, or can't find anyone that would let me work from home (I do have a college degree and am bi-lingual, but working from home seems to be a no-no), I certainly am draining society by living off SSI and such. Every relationship I come near I eventually destroy and leave the other person in a lot of pain. I have no close family here.
I'm fed up, sometimes I wonder what my options are. Death? Becoming a monk (not joking)? Loading myself up on gear and seeing how far I can take bodybuilding just for the sake of doing it... at least live out one crazy dream in my life? Become a vagabond and just roam around?
I'm very serious, when things go wrong the usual advice is "well just go hang out with your friends or go to a club and you'll feel better"..... but what do you do when you are too disabled to participate in that or too maintain close relationships? Seems like my only road is to walk alone and just do something for myself without regard for anyone.
You guys are wiser than me so I'm open ears
P.S. before anyone asks how I get to the gym, I don't, I managed to build a great one at home over the years so I can work out at my own schedule when I'm feeling ok.... if I feel sick, I can just go lie down for a few min
Back in 2005 I witnessed my step-dad nearly die in a really gruesome accident, the day after I started having horrible panic attacks which have continued five years later. This isn't your regular anxiety.... this is full-blown vertigo/passing out/vomiting/derealization to the point where it makes me almost unable to function at times.
Been in therapy for most of the five years (everytime from CBT to hypnosis to the more occult stuff), I've had every SSRI and MAOI thrown at me, I've had seizure meds, benzodiazapenes (which work as a nice band-aid, but thats it).... you name it, I've taken it, and they have zero effect on me. Doctors are baffled and basically say they have no idea where to turn.
Long story short, I'm screwed. I've been in three relationships since I had this and ruined them all, since I can barely ever leave the house to social events which is obviously a big problem for most people. For this same reason I alienated most of my friends. You have to understand, I can't just be popping Xanax daily, the tolerance ruins it quickly so I have to save it for one a week or so.
Let's cut to the chase, I'm serving no purpose to society.... I can't work, or can't find anyone that would let me work from home (I do have a college degree and am bi-lingual, but working from home seems to be a no-no), I certainly am draining society by living off SSI and such. Every relationship I come near I eventually destroy and leave the other person in a lot of pain. I have no close family here.
I'm fed up, sometimes I wonder what my options are. Death? Becoming a monk (not joking)? Loading myself up on gear and seeing how far I can take bodybuilding just for the sake of doing it... at least live out one crazy dream in my life? Become a vagabond and just roam around?
I'm very serious, when things go wrong the usual advice is "well just go hang out with your friends or go to a club and you'll feel better"..... but what do you do when you are too disabled to participate in that or too maintain close relationships? Seems like my only road is to walk alone and just do something for myself without regard for anyone.
You guys are wiser than me so I'm open ears
P.S. before anyone asks how I get to the gym, I don't, I managed to build a great one at home over the years so I can work out at my own schedule when I'm feeling ok.... if I feel sick, I can just go lie down for a few min