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A friend with his girl

microcentillion

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Feb 4, 2010
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Long back-story, sorry in advance.

Shitty scenario: My best friend meets this girl online. Despite her living out-of-state, they make plans for her to come visit literally days after they first talk. She shows up, is totally awesome, they hit it off extremely well, everyone likes her... fairytale type shit in essence.

Over the next few weeks, they go back and forth visiting each other, having a fantastic time. My friend continues to drive the relationship forward at breakneck pace, inviting her to move in with us before they hit the three week mark. She accepts, and that becomes the plan.

I, thinking they may have gone off the deep end of the impracticality pool, pull him aside one day and ask him if he realizes quite what he's doing and how fast he's moving. I point out the risks, and he promises to consider them. Next thing I hear, they've broken up. Mostly communication problems (he invited her to move in, and she already had things gaining momentum towards that end when he tries to go back on it, he couldn't portray his thoughts properly). Now it lies in pieces, me knowing full well that I was the catalyst for the rapid disintegration of their relationship.

A few days later, I get an email from this girl. In chatting with her I find that she still really likes him, and she's afraid that her not understanding his fears was the primary failure on her part, and she really wants to be back with him. She thinks they can have a real future, and everyone who knew them together agrees.

Now's where it gets shitty: I talked with my friend again, trying to get a feel for what her thinks. His argument for staying apart was as follows: "I wasn't expecting a relationship that could actually truely become something. She and I could totally end up married down the road. She is everything I could ever want, and we really like each other, but I've never prepared for something like that. I need to take some time and discover who I am before I can even think about having a relationship like that". He says he'll effectively shoot for some 'personal enlightenment' over the next six months, and try again with her. Dumbest thing I've ever heard the dude say.

To me, he's won the lottery and tore up the ticket because he didn't have a predetermined plan for the money. What do you guys think? Should I stay hands-off and let him kill himself in depression when he realizes what he walked away from?
 

Amazon Doll

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There is nothing wrong with not being ready for commitment.
 

BOOMSHAKER

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To me, he's won the lottery and tore up the ticket because he didn't have a predetermined plan for the money. What do you guys think? Should I stay hands-off and let him kill himself in depression when he realizes what he walked away from?




Yes, stay out of it. He went against your better advice and decided to move her in after 3 weeks, then when he woke up and smelled the coffee he got cold feet about it. Now he is trying to rationalize his bad decision making by saying "he needs to discover who he is". WHAT???? Sounds like your friend jumps the gun a bit too often and deals with the consequences not to well later. But for now stay out of it. Other wise you'll be made the scape goat for his failed relationship. Always turns out that way. Good luck.
 

driven

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Honestly I think you're missing something. If he dropped her that easily, I'm sure there's something more than communication problems and him expecting to gain some enlightenment.

Using your own example, you wouldn't cash-in that winning lottery ticket... if you were wanted by the FBI -- but that's not a reason you'd share with all your friends either.
 

Acadian

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Everyone who comes into our life is there to teach us something. We just don't always get the message. The experience that your friend has had with this girl is no exception, there are many potential lessons here for his benefit...

1) Perhaps he recognizes that something isn't quite right inside him and he recognized his need to pursue self-enlightenment

2) Maybe he needs to learn that age old lesson "you don't now what you got till it's gone"

3) Or it could have been that the situation was a reminder to not rush things like they were doing and be more honest with the other party along the way

Point being, there may be any number of lessons to be learned here, but it is up to HIM to receive the message or ignore it. You sound like a good friend though...
 

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