anti social disorder

[buffbabeca]

NO SHIT? I was put on Effexor a year ago at 75mgs daily. I also felt the effects more about being able to do basic things like get out the door, but overall have been disappointed. It sucks because if I go ONE DAY without it, I go through withdraws worse than heroin...and I know. I went two weeks ago to the same doctor I have had since childhood to get off of it and he said three more months MABY. In fact he put me on BUSPAR at 20mgs a day and Xanax to use at MY DISCRETION! I’m already loosing my ass on that one (he knows me enough to only give me one refill, but thats all gone after a week). He is a good man and I am honest with him. At my last visit, He leaned forward and took my hand. He looked at me straight in the eyes and said "I can pinpoint the time..Around when you where 15 years old, when something in you changed. You do NOT LIKE YOURSELF and without that........nothing else matters. Still cant afford the therapy thing but I did do it for about three months last year. Anyway, I am just seeing a lot of meds I use for what I can only say is BEYOND anxiety. Crippling is a good word to use. With all these meds, I can go outside my door, but it leaves me uncomfortable. I am not, and sometimes wonder if I will ever be ME AGAIN. Its why I feel these urges to self medicate you can’t understand (well some of you really can so I take that back). I get calls every day from druggies and junkies. My phone is turned off all day and night, but it is not going to be the solution. Tonight, not ten min. ago, some came right to the door looking for me. I cannot lie. I WANT A SHOT. I want it so very very bad. I am staying clean......but these urges will get me if I don’t do something VERY VERY FAST. If I use again, I loose everything I love, but being told I don’t love myself makes me know I’m in deeper trouble than I first thought. I constantly think about it. I never work out as though I have lost my passion for it and I fear I will never love the pump again. I fear that as much as anything. I can’t sleep at night because I think about getting high or sleep all day in depression. I believe myself to be in about the worst place possible. Yet, other things go well. My post about my promotion above for example. But all the while, I’m trying to hide the fact I am just another junkie. I get my first paycheck tomorrow. I will give it all to my wife, but all week all I could think about was using the money to get my fix.
Sorry for this. It has no place here. These are things I don’t speak about ever......even to the wife (she has had enough) and I just took advantage. I didn’t want to make this thread about me. Sorry for that my friends.
I guess my main point is, it's really difficult to make a clear diagnosis on medication, and whether you're feeling better or not - especially if you're not partnering it with therapy.
I still have weeks where I just don't feel right... and I'm far more emotional that I really need to be ... while others are just fine. I guess I just have to keep everything in perspective. I'm still trying to figure out why I have the feelings I do, and the main source of my anxiety and depression. I'm still recognizing triggers that I didn't even know I had. It isn't something that can be 'cured' by a pill ... or even a few months of therapy.
It will probably be a life process, for the majority of us.

wish u nothing but the best nomsas and will keep you in my prayers.. this board is a home for most of us.. so please dont eve regret posting something... u can share with us and we will be there...

 

[nosmas]

THANK YOU BUFF.

Its just, well, embarassing talking to total strangers (some of you) about it. but you must realize, I have no friends to talk to about it besides you all and my doctor........and if I dont talk about this soon, maby even now, I dont like like chances. I guess I need a sponsor.

 

[buffbabeca]

THANK YOU BUFF.

Its just, well, embarassing talking to total strangers (some of you) about it. but you must realize, I have no friends to talk to about it besides you all and my doctor........and if I dont talk about this soon, maby even now, I dont like like chances. I guess I need a sponsor.

awww i know what u mean.. i dont have any friends here where i live either to talk about things i am going through.. so i do talk on the board sometimes.. lately not the best idea...

 

[nosmas]

awww i know what u mean.. i dont have any friends here where i live either to talk about things i am going through.. so i do talk on the board sometimes.. lately not the best idea...

We are among more friends than strangers..........and some have become family to me!
It all seems like a big pitty party which to me, seems like the opposite of a strong man!
Thanks again Buff.

 

[oldfella]

We are among more friends than strangers..........and some have become family to me!
It all seems like a big pitty party which to me, seems like the opposite of a strong man!
Thanks again Buff.

Kris, there is more love here than you realise pal. You always have a friend here and you know this. I get hard on you because you need it. I will always tell you straight and you know I am always here for you no matter how bad you fuck up, ok. We all make some pretty hard mistakes in life. This is no crime. It only becomes a crime when you do not learn from these mistakes. Stay clean and healthy. It is the only road to success and happiness. You are on the move and going good places at the moment. Just stay focused and on track!!