any advice on how to work through this?

[abolish the weak]

Wife is pregnant, is due in a few days. Things have been rough lately, part of it's her because she's so big and miserable now, and alot of it's me from working alot of O/T lately and constantly doing things around the house. I want to be there for my son, I dont want to get a divorce. The biggest issue I've had with my wife is ever since we met she's never had a real job. She has worked but it has been little bullshit office stuff that only gives her like 15-20 hrs/wk, she has not worked a steady f/t job in the 5 yrs we've been together. At this point I dont think its the job, I think its her. Anywhere she has gone to work in the past its ended up like this. I know she cant work now, and I dont mind her not working the first yr or so to raise the baby. But I just cant help but wonder lately if things will ever get any better for us. Financially, will we ever live in a safer neighborhood than the hood I'm in now? Will I ever be able to repair my credit and have nicer things or is it going to constantly be like this because I'm the only one bringing anything to the table? I know this is not entirely her fault, but her mother and sister are the same way. they've never worked a steady f/t job and her mom is lazy as fuck. I was hoping the apple fell far from the tree in my situation but guess not. Rather than sitting down with her and talking to her about something she might like to do that would be long term, I went about it all wrong. I told her I felt like I was the only one who was ever going to do anything, and that I deserve to be a little stressed out when our bank account gets low since I'm the only one making anything. I want to be there and I def want to be there for my son. As far as getting along goes, we usually get along great, its not the hanging out, fun part thats wrong with us.

 

[triathloncoach]

HMMM

At the least you guys can start with a budget that you will need to enforce . I wouldn't expect a miracle transformation in your wife's habits - that almost never happens. But I can tell you with certainty that a divorce is more financially devastating than an under-employed spouse.

 

[pesty4077]

Wife is pregnant, is due in a few days. Things have been rough lately, part of it's her because she's so big and miserable now, and alot of it's me from working alot of O/T lately and constantly doing things around the house. I want to be there for my son, I dont want to get a divorce. The biggest issue I've had with my wife is ever since we met she's never had a real job. She has worked but it has been little bullshit office stuff that only gives her like 15-20 hrs/wk, she has not worked a steady f/t job in the 5 yrs we've been together. At this point I dont think its the job, I think its her. Anywhere she has gone to work in the past its ended up like this. I know she cant work now, and I dont mind her not working the first yr or so to raise the baby. But I just cant help but wonder lately if things will ever get any better for us. Financially, will we ever live in a safer neighborhood than the hood I'm in now? Will I ever be able to repair my credit and have nicer things or is it going to constantly be like this because I'm the only one bringing anything to the table? I know this is not entirely her fault, but her mother and sister are the same way. they've never worked a steady f/t job and her mom is lazy as fuck. I was hoping the apple fell far from the tree in my situation but guess not. Rather than sitting down with her and talking to her about something she might like to do that would be long term, I went about it all wrong. I told her I felt like I was the only one who was ever going to do anything, and that I deserve to be a little stressed out when our bank account gets low since I'm the only one making anything. I want to be there and I def want to be there for my son. As far as getting along goes, we usually get along great, its not the hanging out, fun part thats wrong with us.

LMAO, Welcome to the real world! My wife hasn't worked in years. It is time for you to step up to the plate and support your family, If she wants to work 15-20 hours, let her, anything is better than nothing. She now has a baby, which is harder than your job, to take care of. You need to budget yourself more, or get a 2nd job. You guys are just starting out, my wife and I were poor, when we started and are still struggling sometimes for finaces(Bad economy!) It doesn't matter what her mother or sister do, and you should not throw that in her face. I been there done that and I learn that my wife is very important to me, struggling or not. Make a list of all expenses and start cutiing back on extra stuff and I am not even going to mention what. Make a list of goals in your life(realistic) short and long term, and stick with it.

 

[notsobig32]

LMAO, Welcome to the real world! My wife hasn't worked in years. It is time for you to step up to the plate and support your family, If she wants to work 15-20 hours, let her, anything is better than nothing. She now has a baby, which is harder than your job, to take care of. You need to budget yourself more, or get a 2nd job. You guys are just starting out, my wife and I were poor, when we started and are still struggling sometimes for finaces(Bad economy!) It doesn't matter what her mother or sister do, and you should not throw that in her face. I been there done that and I learn that my wife is very important to me, struggling or not. Make a list of all expenses and start cutiing back on extra stuff and I am not even going to mention what. Make a list of goals in your life(realistic) short and long term, and stick with it.

Pesty,

i agree that as the mother of his child that he should have her feelings in his radar BUT it sounds like you are saying sublimate his own wants and desires in favor of her not wanting to work full-time. I disagree because i would love to work part-time but it is incumbent upon both parents to provide for their own and their child's well-being. (Not arguing just pointing out what in my opinion ATW should note)

ATW, i think you need to do some soul-searching though because you have to balance providing for your children, your mate, and YOURSELF. If you continue this way and you want material things and you aren't getting them because of her not working, the resentment that is already there(caught that a bit from your post) is going to get worse and will eventually lead to the end of your marriage(been there twice now) I would reccommend sitting down with her in an adult and mature manner and ask her what her plans are etc. Whatever you both agree to should be something you both can live happily with.

HONESTLY though, if you are happy with her and you get along great, shouldn't the finances fall by the way side? Its all about your priorities ATW. Good luck

 

[abolish the weak]

guys, very good advice, thank you so much!! Things could always be worse, I mean I have a home, a couple vehicles in the driveway, and a job. Plus my family, at least I have those things. Our financial things suck, but after doing some thinking some of the guys I work with have wives that make a bunch of money, and they're miserable and their old ladies are fat, LOL. Like I said, it could be worse. Thanks a bunch, I'm cool now

 

[pesty4077]

Pesty,

i agree that as the mother of his child that he should have her feelings in his radar BUT it sounds like you are saying sublimate his own wants and desires in favor of her not wanting to work full-time. I disagree because i would love to work part-time but it is incumbent upon both parents to provide for their own and their child's well-being. (Not arguing just pointing out what in my opinion ATW should note)

ATW, i think you need to do some soul-searching though because you have to balance providing for your children, your mate, and YOURSELF. If you continue this way and you want material things and you aren't getting them because of her not working, the resentment that is already there(caught that a bit from your post) is going to get worse and will eventually lead to the end of your marriage(been there twice now) I would reccommend sitting down with her in an adult and mature manner and ask her what her plans are etc. Whatever you both agree to should be something you both can live happily with.

HONESTLY though, if you are happy with her and you get along great, shouldn't the finances fall by the way side? Its all about your priorities ATW. Good luck

Well, respectfully I disagree with what some guys call work. Call me old fashion, but a man should provide for his household. You miss the part, that a baby is involved, you don't consider that a full time job? A woman does a lot more than most guys see and appreciate, and they do work around the clock with children. To provide for my family, I had to work 2 jobs and to this day, run 2 companies. I am happy, when my wife cooks for me, cleans, and takes care of the family. We never argue about finances and tighten up when we need to. If you think it is rough now, wait until the teenage years for your children, money will be flying out the window.

Abolish, I say this with respect, because I been where you have. If I can help you in any way, PM me, we can talk about budget, goals and solutions for your finances. I know you love your wife.

 

[EVERLAST]

tough times....

Well, respectfully I disagree with what some guys call work. Call me old fashion, but a man should provide for his household. You miss the part, that a baby is involved, you don't consider that a full time job? A woman does a lot more than most guys see and appreciate, and they do work around the clock with children. To provide for my family, I had to work 2 jobs and to this day, run 2 companies. I am happy, when my wife cooks for me, cleans, and takes care of the family. We never argue about finances and tighten up when we need to. If you think it is rough now, wait until the teenage years for your children, money will be flying out the window.

Abolish, I say this with respect, because I been where you have. If I can help you in any way, PM me, we can talk about budget, goals and solutions for your finances. I know you love your wife.

Pesty is petty much dead on here...
I think we all know that times are tough everywhere. We just need to hunker down a bit and get through it. The economy will rebound. We will tell our kids about it as a cautionary tale. Don't get overextended, keep a savings account and investments for the future, (dont get troops in a two front land war in Asia), dont buy financial derivatives, junk bonds, etc.
Live through it. Maximize your income and minimize the expenses.
Work together.

 

[notsobig32]

Well, respectfully I disagree with what some guys call work. Call me old fashion, but a man should provide for his household. You miss the part, that a baby is involved, you don't consider that a full time job? A woman does a lot more than most guys see and appreciate, and they do work around the clock with children. To provide for my family, I had to work 2 jobs and to this day, run 2 companies. I am happy, when my wife cooks for me, cleans, and takes care of the family. We never argue about finances and tighten up when we need to. If you think it is rough now, wait until the teenage years for your children, money will be flying out the window.

Abolish, I say this with respect, because I been where you have. If I can help you in any way, PM me, we can talk about budget, goals and solutions for your finances. I know you love your wife.

I hear exactly whaty you are saying pesty, and i agree with some of it. I think it might be a different generation thing but i cannot and will not sublimate my own wants and desires completely for someone else(very important point to note here, pesty you are happily married and i am going through my second divorce). I have made the realization that i am selfish and that in this world, my son comes first and me second, everyone and everything else falls in line somewhere behind that. I am there for relationships and do a great job providing for my son and my soon to be ex-wife(and her children from a previous marriage) but i do not feel that ANYONE whether you are male/female should have to carry that burden alone.

While the children are babies is one thing but once they are in school, there really isn't a valid reason in my mind to justify 1/2 of an income earning team to stay home. This is just my opinion and i have to caveat it with, ATW said he is happy the majority of the time and i would gladly trade my income to find a great woman and be happy. So atw, glad you are hanging in there and
i definitely don't think that there is a reason to leave if you are truly happy You just need to make peace with your situation and go from there.

 

[Amazon Doll]

I'm with Pesky on this one totally but I don't think people that were not brought up with this way of thinking in their early years will come to this way of thinking later in life.

I can't imagine a woman bringing up a kid and working too as well as all the domestic stuff they are still expected to do around the house.

 

[ericraven2003]

I know we could not have survived at times if my wife didn't work. We are lucky, she was able to move her office to the house. The best of both worlds. There are certain jobs that can be done at home, BUT there must be a little ambition.

 

[sadie]

i 100% cannot even relate to any person ( male or female) that doesnt work. even if i was married to a millionaire i would work.. why? because nothing is forever.. i see this all the time where the woman doesnt work.. loses all kind of job skills then the man has some sorta mid life crisis and where is she now? i will always work and support MYSELF and honestly.. when i first moved i didnt work for 4 months and it made me a stressed out mess. i may hate work but i wouldnt give up work either.. its so very important to a feeling of self worth IMO

 

[Galloping Gazelle]

Wife is pregnant, is due in a few days. Things have been rough lately, part of it's her because she's so big and miserable now, and alot of it's me from working alot of O/T lately and constantly doing things around the house. I want to be there for my son, I dont want to get a divorce. The biggest issue I've had with my wife is ever since we met she's never had a real job. She has worked but it has been little bullshit office stuff that only gives her like 15-20 hrs/wk, she has not worked a steady f/t job in the 5 yrs we've been together. At this point I dont think its the job, I think its her. Anywhere she has gone to work in the past its ended up like this. I know she cant work now, and I dont mind her not working the first yr or so to raise the baby. But I just cant help but wonder lately if things will ever get any better for us. Financially, will we ever live in a safer neighborhood than the hood I'm in now? Will I ever be able to repair my credit and have nicer things or is it going to constantly be like this because I'm the only one bringing anything to the table? I know this is not entirely her fault, but her mother and sister are the same way. they've never worked a steady f/t job and her mom is lazy as fuck. I was hoping the apple fell far from the tree in my situation but guess not. Rather than sitting down with her and talking to her about something she might like to do that would be long term, I went about it all wrong. I told her I felt like I was the only one who was ever going to do anything, and that I deserve to be a little stressed out when our bank account gets low since I'm the only one making anything. I want to be there and I def want to be there for my son. As far as getting along goes, we usually get along great, its not the hanging out, fun part thats wrong with us.

Maybe she can find something she enjoys that isn't full time but that is flexible to being a mom and still bring in money. I am one of those women who hates working... Sadly I have to. I went to massage school 12 years ago and I do that part time, I also am a personal trainer part time, and I do boot camps outside the gym for extra money. I am a mom as well, so its important to me that I get enough time with my kiddo. Times r tough these days, hang in there you guys will figure it out, just be a team : )

 

[EasyEJL]

I can't imagine a woman bringing up a kid and working too as well as all the domestic stuff they are still expected to do around the house.

I can't imagine a man not being a part of doing all that. I do laundry, cook, feed + change the baby, take the older kids to birthday parties + other activities, etc.

It kinda feels like 1940 in here. Should the women still be allowed to vote too? It is pretty ridiculous to hear "you are the man, suck it up and give up all the hours in your day so she doesn't have to get a job". They have this thing called "daycare" nowadays too you know.

So none of that helps you abolish but I still had to say it. Its sort of late now for you, as it would have been better to think and talk with her about it pre-kid. God help you if she wants a second or third. But so long as she isn't spending the money like its water and will live with a budget you set, you can make it work. Its when they don't work but spend money like they are Paris Hilton that you run into real trouble. i've known some couples like that, and always felt sorry for the guy working 15 hours a day so his non-working wife could drive an Escalade to drive the kids around, while she's carrying a coach purse and wearing $300 sunglasses...

 

[notsobig32]

I can't imagine a man not being a part of doing all that. I do laundry, cook, feed + change the baby, take the older kids to birthday parties + other activities, etc.

It kinda feels like 1940 in here. Should the women still be allowed to vote too? It is pretty ridiculous to hear "you are the man, suck it up and give up all the hours in your day so she doesn't have to get a job". They have this thing called "daycare" nowadays too you know.

So none of that helps you abolish but I still had to say it. Its sort of late now for you, as it would have been better to think and talk with her about it pre-kid. God help you if she wants a second or third. But so long as she isn't spending the money like its water and will live with a budget you set, you can make it work. Its when they don't work but spend money like they are Paris Hilton that you run into real trouble. i've known some couples like that, and always felt sorry for the guy working 15 hours a day so his non-working wife could drive an Escalade to drive the kids around, while she's carrying a coach purse and wearing $300 sunglasses...

I agree with this.

I work full-time and still manage to run my own household, spend as much time as possible with my son(being divorced, time gets split up) ANDwork a full-time job. If i can do this, i would expect any wife i am with to do the same. This thread has taken a turn towards the old-fashioned way of thinking.

The crux of the problem for ATW lies in the fact that he is (like everyone) to a degree selfish and wants material items. He knows that the only way to get material items is for both of them to be working and his wife doesn't work. So if he tries to completely sublimate his own wants and desires he will end up resenting her. He needs to be able to find a happy medium between his wants/needs/desires and his wife's. This is just my two cents though.

 

[triathloncoach]

My Wife Works

My wife works part time. We both wish that she didn't have too. We have a 9 and 6 year old. But guess what, we have too. She doesn't work so we can live in a mansion, or have a summer home at the beach - we don't. She works because it's very tough to get by on one income. And it's scary to think of losing your job, especially in a one income family. A job also allows the wife a certain degree of security and independence. It will also cut back on your alimony if things go South.

 

[pesty4077]

I agree with this.

I work full-time and still manage to run my own household, spend as much time as possible with my son(being divorced, time gets split up) ANDwork a full-time job. If i can do this, i would expect any wife i am with to do the same. This thread has taken a turn towards the old-fashioned way of thinking.

The crux of the problem for ATW lies in the fact that he is (like everyone) to a degree selfish and wants material items. He knows that the only way to get material items is for both of them to be working and his wife doesn't work. So if he tries to completely sublimate his own wants and desires he will end up resenting her. He needs to be able to find a happy medium between his wants/needs/desires and his wife's. This is just my two cents though.

That is the thing about opinions, they vary. Your last statement, is very accurate. I think we all have been guilty of this.