Any Advice????

[obrnpwrlftr]

A little background info... My wife and I have been married for over 11 years. We have 2 boys ages 9 and 7.We get along well most of the time. Sex life is good when we can make time. Before we were married she had dated a guy for some time, she said it was 5-6 years. When we started dating she would break things off with me, go back to him, break up with him and go back to me. This happened 6 times.She never went out with one of us while dating the other at least as far as I know. The last time we split up I started dating someone else and couldn't stop thinking about my future wife. She even came to me and told me she made a big mistake and that she wanted me back. I was tired of being hurt so I turned her down. A few weeks or months went by and I decided she was who I wanted so I broke things off with the girl I was seeing and told her how I felt. We got back together and dated for a while and got married.The problem is her ex has always wanted to stay friends with her. We would see him out somewhere and she would say hi and ask how he was doing and about his family..the nice stuff. He would e-mail her little jokes and stuff "just to stay in touch".She hadn't talked to him for a long time and she found out that one of their friends from high school was in the hospital so she e-mailed him to let him know. Which is OK I guess. Now he is married and expecting a child and has moved away but the fact that she wants to remain friends with him burns me up. So much sometimes that I can't stand it. I have developed a hatred for this person that eats me up. I have no reason to think she would ever cheat on me. In fact I have cheated on her and she took me back. She is the nicest person you will ever meet. We have had our ups and downs. Some of the downs have been really low and it was during that time that I cheated. The outcome has actually made our marriage much better but there is still this person from her past. We have even talked about our past relationships and how many people we have been intimate with. We came out dead even so I can't blame her for a past that was like mine.We talke dthe other night and I told her that every relationship and every part of it before her was a mistake and that I wish that there had only been her. She agreed and said the same to me. But there is still that person that nags at me to no end!!! I got one of his e-mails and told him to remove her from his address folder and not to contact her again. His reply was "OK. Sorry. No more e-mails." Ihope that this will be the end but I still feel like I haven't gottnen over it. I think maybe at some level I hated her for what she did to me(breaking up so many times) but I can't hate her so I hate him. I don't want to feel this way about anyone. I just want to get over it so we can move on. Any advice???

 

[Sigmund Roid]

Obrn, here is what it sounds like you are saying, correct me where I am wrong.

This particular situation has been bothering you for a loooong time.
Reasonably, you've learned that your wife has had trouble making up her mind and has gone back and forth in the past. She could do it again. She obviously felt something for that guy. You love this woman. You've invested a lot of time and love in the relationship. You don't want to risk losing her and the life you've built together.

I think you have every reason to worry. I guess I'd speak to her about how this 'friendship' makes you feel. Let her know why. Your fears certainly are not unreasonable. Would she like it if your positions were reversed and you kept in close contact with a woman you repeatedly left her for? I think not. No one would want that. She can find other friends, there are many out there. It's a big world.

I would'nt be demanding. I'd just calmly explain your feelings. We all know how easy it is to fall back into a sexual relationship with someone we've been with before. If she's honest, she'll make the right choice.

If I was the other guy and a husband emailed me saying that's it with the email. I'd stop emailing her.

 

[obrnpwrlftr]

Thanks for the reply. I don't think I have any reason to worry. Which is why I am bothered by this situstion. It's one of those I trust her but not him things. He told her that she devestated him when she finally left him. From what I know of him he would still do things to get at us after all these years. I guess what bothers me is she doesn't see it that way. She feels that people are all basically good and behave badly due to circumstances. I am the opposite. Since we have been together we have attended chuech together. She is the leader of the Youth Group and is a Christian. She doesn't want to think badly of anyone which sets her up to get hurt. I did ask her what she would think if the situations were reversed and she said she wouldn't have a problem with it. And I really don't think she would. She is one of those people that truly believes that the past is over.Which I try to tell her means to me that he needs to stay gone. What bothers me most, and I have told her, is that it it seems she would rather hurt my feelings than someone else. She says that is not the case but she wants to be nice.She has not contacted him for some time but he has sent her e-mails and they were just little joke type things and most of the e-mails have been sent to everyone in his address folder. She would only reply by saying thanks or that was funny. Something like that. It still bothers me. I guess I just want to get over this for our relationship. Since I told him to stop e-mailing her he hasn't and as long as that stays that way it is a step in the right direction.

 

[Sigmund Roid]

Well, since she claims to be rooted in faith, have her look up the following passage.

Colossians Chapter 3 vs. 18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Verse 19 goes on to say, Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them.

There is some give and take there in those verses. It looks like there is something for both of you. Being Christians, both verses are important if one wishes to be in the will of God. No picking and choosing the verses you like.

Obviously, this is not a belief for non-Christian women.

Since your wife is a Christian and seems to be confused about how to treat her husband, maybe you could go straight to the source of the faith, The Word of God, for a solution.

Just because she 'thinks' she'd be fine if the situations were reversed, I believe there is a lack of respect, regardless.

I am sure the two of you can work this out. You seem to be a fairly understanding man and it seems the marriage has been working out well so far.

 

[marshall]

touchy situation, since she kept going back and forth with this guy in the beginning, so you never know about maybe some deep seeded feeling still there.

That being said, you have your family, this guy has his new family and has moved out of the area, I don't think an email friendship is very dangerous. If so, then really it is unpreventable and they will get together down the road one way or another.

I think you are worrying for nothing. I have email communications with an ex girlfriend and have absolutely zero interest to sleep with her or ever be with her romantically, no matter what the situation. We just catch up about every 3 months or so on life.

Your wife probably feels the same, don't worry about it so much. Now if the guy is rich, looks like Brad Pitt, has a perfect body and a 9 inch dick....maybe you got problems

 

[obrnpwrlftr]

Thanks guys.
We have done some talking and everything seems to be working out well. And accoding to Marshall's last paragraph...I have abosouletly nothing to worry about.