Breakup, and fearing lonliness

[MikeS]

Never thought Id be here...not that I dont recognize I have some problems. Now, its consuming my life and I am feeling hopeless. My 8yr relationship with my wife ends in 1wk (divorce). We were seperated 2yrs, and although the first 3-4yrs were an absolute dream, somehow (her disfunction) caused her to be draw away be her skanky friend-to the bars. More and more often...late nights...finally an affair with a co-worker. I confronted her often, trying to get her to stop. When I finally nailed her donw 6mo later, I filed for seperation. She moved away, about 3 blocks down. We kept in contact and dated for 18mo. She never made a heartful attempt to do the right things to let go, so I never could take her back, although I wanted to. My problem-I hate not having a girl in my life. I seem to carry around an unhappiness and anxiety. It affects my concentration in other areas of life. For instance-I feel Ive been a disappointment on the boards for the last year plus. Its just not as important as my consuming dilemma of being alone and hurt. Me and wife did date about weekly and talked throughout the first 18mo of seperation. So I was partially passified. Another important piece to the problem-Im very picky. I dont think Im a good looking dude, but my body is pretty great (compared to the average Joe) especially for a 47yo. A girl has to have just the right 'thing'. Easier when I was getting out in my younger days. I hardly drink anymore and dont like bars so much, especially going alone (again - that dilemma). Its just hard to meet someone...and guys like us (extreme lifters) have to basically hope that someone will understand our lifestyles. So, that woman will have to be interested in health and fitness. Otherwise-too much chance of relationship conflict, and I need someone who can talk with my about my/our passion of physical achievement. Finally 6mo ago (Im a Personal Trainer) a new client approacher me. She was beautiful and passionate about her appearance. Just my type-not a fitness girl but a real enthusiast. Always looks her best. And we had so much in common, and great chemistry. NEGATIVE-She was married 17yrs (Ive never dated a married woman before). But on our first meeting she told me I had the best body inthe gym, and that her marriage was on and off for years. Basically Im aware she is available to me. We had a great 1st mo, I really did talk alot to her and found she was completely unhappy in marriage. I had her come over my home to give me a delt shot..she is a nurse and understands the AAS thing, because she is passionate about doing anything to improve her beauty. Like an expensive PTrainer, fake boobs, some plastic surgery...So we are a real match and of course when she came over we kissed. It went from there. By the 3rs mo of us dating, she told her husband she was leaving. She moved in April, got a new apt, and I became her only. I finally found happiness after the struggle of my seperation. Went to FL for our first vacation on june 9. She came back and admitted that she missed her husband-who she never had great love for and no chemistry-ever. Just basically was reminded of their 17yrs of vacations-and had the usual withdrawal pains. Shit I still think of my wife, and did then also. But she feels compelled to go back; Instead of sticking it out and letteing the bad relationship go...she had moved out and paid for a seperation lawyer for the
3rd time! But she is drawn back. He never stopped trying to get her. We have the worlds greatest sex-by far the best for both of us, on top of the chemistry/attraction and alot of stuff in common. Way better match than her husband. But she cant let go of the attachment despite knowing its not a good thing she is returning to. So she put us on hold, and is seeing him also. I should have expected things would not be smooth after 17 long years...but regardless I feel like I will be alone and feeling all that sadness again, that I thought Id just gotten past. So Im hanging in there...I hate staying away, and hope she will come around. Putting my pride on the line-I should at least back away-but I cant. I fear being without a lady for years, because Im so picky and now not getting out like I used to. I knew from the start I could be happy with her for good...I need to be able to move on if this gets any worse. But I know she is torn-so I stay in her life. I still train her...saw her today-we kissed and 'messed around' short of having sex (we were in the gym office). But only 2x that Ive seen her in the last week since the vacation, since she had put us on hold and asked for space. I cant bear the though of being 47, alone, starting over, maybe having to wait several years to find someone who is my type. Im depressed and hurting today...I cant even seem to listen to someone else talk about something, because I just keep running stuff through my mind. Its this bad feeling in my core - when Im single and alone. I will do self help stuff (I have some good books) because Im proactive. About how to be alone ad happy, how to let someone go, also social improvement stuff (BTW Im very outgoing so I project well 99% of the time regardless). But even thought the self help stuff helps-its just a feeling I can never shake. It just becomes managable. I only feel serene and totall happy when I have a lady. Right now Im at my worst-depressed and obsessed with my pain. Im not feeling very well...thanks for listening all. Any advice welcome especially from one of the Drs.

 

[Got Juice]

hey mike sorry to hear of the bad news mans.. i know how it feels, you think things are giong great, then bammm it hits you like a ton of bricks..

although i dont know the whole situation, here's my only advice that i can offer you... she obviously isnt happy with her husband, sure she still loves him, heck after 17 years she will prolly love him till the day he dies.. she goes on a dream vacation with you and has a great time... she hasnt done this kind of thing with anyone other than her husband for the past 17 years so it brings him into her mind.. she's confused because she has this with you, but she is still hanging on to that relationship by a thread thinking it might be able to work and have this with her husband.

my advice, let things go for about 2 weeks and i can almost guarantee you she will be ready to make the final decision at that point..once again she will realize there is nothing left with her husband and the only person that can make her feel that way is you.. you really need to turn the tables on her a bit, as hard as it may be, you cant let her feel she has control of the whole situation and can have either of you.. just try and avoid her, BE NICE, but maybe tell her its too hard training her while all this is going on, maybe tell her after things cool down a bit or something.. i know it might sound dumb, but your mind is very tricky and letting her control the situation only makes things worse.. i hate playing games, but unfortunately sometimes you have to a bit.. again just my 2cents and what i would try..

good luck bro, i hope things get better for yeah..

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Mike, I'd say hi and ask how your doing but I can already see how you're doing. So we'll just dig in here okay? Now since this is open for all to see, any reader should understand that this is a male speaking to a male so I apologize in advance for the lack of inclusive language. Moving on...

I think we'll do much better with this if we take an honest look at why you feel you 100%, absolutely, must have, a woman in your life - rather than attempt to examine the intricacies of who did what to who and when. Obviously, women make us feel all sorts of things. They bring out our best and our worst. They can bring us to the heights of pleasure or the depths of misery. How can they do this? Because men give them the power to do this. Here's the truth though - you CAN feel whole while being just the individual you are. You came into this world a whole person. You didn't come with instructions that said "Instant person, just add water" (or female). Now I'm not going to try and use this to distract you away from the pain or discomfort you may be feeling now. You may need to feel these feelings right now for a reason. There's not a pill or remedy I can offer you to alleviate it. There's no analgesic for heartache. Although, a rich man would he be if he did discover such a medicine.

So, if you please, take some time to examine that part of yourself which believes a woman is something you must have and why, how, or when this came about in your life.

Secondly, if we were speaking in person, my first question might be "Do you realize how many times you mentioned items related solely to your physical attractiveness?" Being what and who we are, there can be no doubt that in most cases, not all, but most, that we all have certain insecurities in regards to our physical appearance. Can we make this assumption now just to get it on the record? Okay. What I see in guys such as ourselves is that women might have the ability to use us as pawns. Although we look fantastic on the outside, they can still smell that underlying insecurity from a mile away. Remember when I asked, "How can they do this?" This is how. It is possible to exploit someone when they have an insecurity. Especially one that needs fed. Even more especially when that same individual for one reason or another feels the need, "a fix" if you will, to have that woman by your side! Do you see where I'm going with this? Let's face at least this today: A person can only hurt you as much as you yourself allow them to.

If you take an individual who may have insecurities in one form or another, and trust me, we ALL have them, isn't having a devoted woman by your side or hanging from your arm the ultimate solace to such an affliction? She’d be not unlike a drug at that point.

Where we can start is for us reclaiming our self worth, NOT AS DEFINED BY THE WAY WE LOOK, but as being the unique individual that we all are. By being the unique individuals that we all are, we force others to accept us as people first and objects second. Everyone knows, or at least should know that nobody can respect an object. Yet we even objectify ourselves constantly!

Mike, I cannot tell you where all of this is going in this (or these) relationships. I wish I could buddy. It's sounds like you have pieces of YOU sprinkled all over the place. But you can DECIDE NOW where it will end. Or better yet, HOW it will end. You know, single or not single you may find yourself a lot better off and a lot happier as a person when you become as comfortable with yourself on the inside and you are with yourself on the outside. When that day comes, a woman will find the real you attractive and take the outside as a bonus. Plus you will be safe in knowing that as a complete and secure individual, you can empower yourself. Then perhaps you can call the shots. You can tell her to buzz off or keep her there if she suits you and you have nice spark. Either way, you are deciding where your life goes – not waiting for someone else to.

Best Mike,

OTH

Keep me updated.

 

[maxsupplements]

mike...

man brother... you seem a bit down huh??? .. well, not to joke around., cause i can totally tell you are upset...

listen.. sounds like you are having some trouble.. and with your ex (kim right?) things are ending.. i have watched this whole thing progress, and i gotta say, sounds like you are doing the right thing bro.. just stay where you are. think about the positive things. and above all, dont give up just yet... I remember you saying something about her (new girl) about 6 months ago.. and now.. well, now you are where you are.. i would say to just stay the course.. you know what you are ending with your ex wife is for the better.. once its over its still not OVER.. you can still talk, converse ,and even be a good friend to her.. although theres no marriage, you can still be friends.. and as far as the new chick goes, dont ditch her yet.. you are a good man, and she will see this after she goes back to her ex for a bit.. she will realize that you are the MAN, and that you are the true gentleman in this whole fiasco.. stay strong mike, i will be checking my operamail account if you need anything..

let me know.. and stay strong.. you can make it..

 

[maxsupplements]

Let's face at least this today: A person can only hurt you as much as you yourself allow them to.

Where we can start is for us reclaiming our self worth, NOT AS DEFINED BY THE WAY WE LOOK, but as being the unique individual that we all are. By being the unique individuals that we all are, we force others to accept us as people first and objects second. Everyone knows, or at least should know that nobody can respect an object. Yet we even objectify ourselves constantly!

OTH, great points here... great place to start mike.. Jon's a PRO...

 

[MikeS]

Hey guys thanks for the input. I guess you always hope for the best going into these things...Anyway I know i do need to learn to be happy alone. Just never been able to quite do it. It gets easier, the longer you go on alone. I also do some self help work; stuff on handling ends of relationships-usually speak in regard to being alone and happy and why not to depend on others as a NEED, just as a choice. I am proactive in this manner...I will startddoing some of that work soon. But it comstant work-I find myself slipping alot...being midly depressed over the situation and unhappy. In public I usually am fine (like at the gym). I just never get that serene, very happy feeling about life unless Im with someone securely.

I am sticking with the one girl for now, unless she goes full time to her Xhusband. Yes I dont like having her control everything-it shouldnt be that way...so I will date also if anyone comes around. I have totally accept and am OK with my divorce to Kim (yes we have talked alot MAX). But with me being picky its hard to find a match. I cant escape the fact that looks matter-especially the desire to attend to the package you present the world as 'you'. I just cant understand fat sloppy people. I am so different-its such a huge part of you weather its right or wrong. Life is physical and mental, so to me its half. And I need both to make that connection. Someone doesnt have to be a raving beauty, but just has to be attractive and care about their appearance. Dont want someone who gets content and lets themselves go to shit once the meet someone. In a way-Im picky because I try and Im proud of what Ive done to stay young and look good. I expect and respect the same. Is that shallow-I dont know, but it is how I feel.

 

[maxsupplements]

heck no

thats not shallow mike!! COME ON BRO!! you are someone that takes their health into their consideration EVERY MINUTE... you try hard. so why wouldnt you want someone that tries as hard as you do?? we all have things that will make us or break us, some of us like people that are into art, and some like people that are into cars, but you are into working out and taking care of yourself.. nothing wrong with wanting a woman that does that.. its life bro.. some people take it for granted, and some just dont care... i would say you should continue doing what you are doing.. maybe even go visit a new gym, do a trial membership.. hell, you might even meet a new workout partner, and better yet, meet a NICE NEW GROUP OF PEOPLE>.. new women, new gym buddies, and above all, a change of pace!!

just a suggestion.. but dont think something is wrong with you just cause you want a woman that does the same as you do..

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Hey guys thanks for the input. I guess you always hope for the best going into these things...Anyway I know i do need to learn to be happy alone. Just never been able to quite do it. It gets easier, the longer you go on alone. I also do some self help work; stuff on handling ends of relationships-usually speak in regard to being alone and happy and why not to depend on others as a NEED, just as a choice. I am proactive in this manner...I will startddoing some of that work soon. But it comstant work-I find myself slipping alot...being midly depressed over the situation and unhappy. In public I usually am fine (like at the gym). I just never get that serene, very happy feeling about life unless Im with someone securely.

I am sticking with the one girl for now, unless she goes full time to her Xhusband. Yes I dont like having her control everything-it shouldnt be that way...so I will date also if anyone comes around. I have totally accept and am OK with my divorce to Kim (yes we have talked alot MAX). But with me being picky its hard to find a match. I cant escape the fact that looks matter-especially the desire to attend to the package you present the world as 'you'. I just cant understand fat sloppy people. I am so different-its such a huge part of you weather its right or wrong. Life is physical and mental, so to me its half. And I need both to make that connection. Someone doesnt have to be a raving beauty, but just has to be attractive and care about their appearance. Dont want someone who gets content and lets themselves go to shit once the meet someone. In a way-Im picky because I try and Im proud of what Ive done to stay young and look good. I expect and respect the same. Is that shallow-I dont know, but it is how I feel.

Mike, of course looks matter. It's physical attractiveness that initially brings us together. Nobody is saying you should date slobs. If you seek out a girl who is overly concerned about her appearance, you're going to have to accept some of the things that may go along with her personality. For instance, men often find women like this to be unfaithful because that woman needs to feel attractive and your attraction will only temporarily be enough. Is it shallow? I disagree with max here. Is it shallow? Well it certainly isn't deep. With relationships, if you want them to last, deep is good. You want a deep understanding of her and vice vs... To look for similiar qualities in a girl to yours is perfectly fine obviously. But to get to the real meat of another person, you have to go past the superficial - to that which is on the intside. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having and maintaining a good appearance. Placing importance on it above all else is dangerous. I think you are a good guy Mike. So you are a good guy who takes care of himself. That's good! Are you looking for a good girl who takes care of herself of just a girl who looks good in a thong? The pursuit of either one is not a bad thing as long as you recognize that the eventual outcome of both will most likely be different. Especially if you get your feelings involved which seems to happen irregardless.

A person who respects and likes themself will also take care of themself. In fact, a person that takes care of themself (not obsessively) shows a sense of self-respect. It is actually of good indicator of general wellness. Make no mistake about it though. Whether you're dating a 10 or a 2, if she's filled with issues, has poor self-respect, is unkind to the people around her, etc. you're still slumming it either way. One just appears better. And appearances can be very decieving. What good is it if a guy looks incredible but his heart, liver, kidneys are trash? I'd say he's rotting from the inside out. What good is it to say "he looked good every day up until his heart failed." So what good is it if a girl looks drop-dead fantastic but is filled with nothing but anger and misery? My point here is that, put simply, you have the inside and you have the outside. When both are good, that's ideal. But if you had to choose? Inside is better. So stick with your girl or find a hottie that is just as beautiful on the inside and I think then you've really found someone. Not just an ornament.

However, you seem much more positive in your reply than your initial post. Perhaps sleeping on it did you some good? Just keep being the good person you are. Things will work out. For better or worse, they always do.

 

[maxsupplements]

M Is it shallow? I disagree with max here. Is it shallow? Well it certainly isn't deep. With relationships, if you want them to last, deep is good. You want a deep understanding of her and vice vs... To look for similiar qualities in a girl to yours is perfectly fine obviously. But to get to the real meat of another person, you have to go past the superficial - to that which is on the intside. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having and maintaining a good appearance. Placing importance on it above all else is dangerous. .

good points OTH... good point... i disagree with myself on this one..lol... you make a REALLY SOUNDS POINT... what is on the inside isnt always as good as whats on the outside.. to find true blood deep goodness is a bit hard, and requires some serious searching..

man, OTH, you have the best advice.. im looking at my post and thinking, man that is a bit superficial, and searching below skin deep is hard at times.. being we are men, and are the most visual creatures on this earth..

 

[OuchThatHurts]

good points OTH... good point... i disagree with myself on this one..lol... you make a REALLY SOUNDS POINT... what is on the inside isnt always as good as whats on the outside.. to find true blood deep goodness is a bit hard, and requires some serious searching..

man, OTH, you have the best advice.. im looking at my post and thinking, man that is a bit superficial, and searching below skin deep is hard at times.. being we are men, and are the most visual creatures on this earth..

I hear ya brother. I've spent many years of my adult life learning this lesson. In truth, I've still not fully mastered it. We are visual creatures. It's undeniable. Made even more difficult because, as you said, finding that deep down goodness is hard to find! But if we want a true blue relationship. If we want to go the distance with a girl for life. We have to try. We have to at least try to find it.

 

[MikeS]

Oh no-maybe I was misunderstood, or didnt explain correctly. The problem in me being picky, I want an attractive girl. THEN I need to connect mentally, and have things in common such as equal intellectual capacity, loyality and honor...thats why its so hard because the criteria is looks AND mental chemistry. So its twice as hard as just having an empty headed babe. I also like someone who likes science. The new girl is a pshche nurse...my wife was a nurse, then a morticial. Thats cool stuff-I take interest in science and therefor am interested in their work. So to me, this makes the selection process harder.
The girl doesnt have to be a babe-just attractive TO ME. There are certain things I like-and maybe if she has 80%...
I met the current girl today...we did OK. Some physical moments (kissing). But the more I think-she may not the the one. Im willing to play it out as she does have many great qualities, but some bad that really worry me. In the meantime Im looking too. If she were to humble and come back completely Id chance it but I dont think thats going to happen soon. So, Im starting to work on some self help stuff...and the radar for others is out.

 

[maxsupplements]

in a joking manner...

remember what i said???

some will, some won't, so what... WHO"S NEXT?!?!



sounds to me like you are doing better mikeS, keep keeping on.. i didnt misunderstand ya, i was just saying its easy to find a hot woman, but finding a hot woman with a REAL personality and a good head on her shoulders can be tough to find.. its finding both is a hard thing... brains and killer looks are tough!!

hell bro, im still searching!! still single as heck, but with some different prospects in the works... i guess thats why they call it dating.. you can try out differnt flavors and see what you like the most!

 

[cryptasm]

Mike baby, hang in there..everytime someone leaves a long term relasionship they feel lonely and that they will never get "that feeling" back..I went back and forth for 5 yrs w a girl that was no good for me cause I didn't think I could ever replace her..well i did.. and if yer late 40's youve been thru it before...you just gotta hang in there and realize that "you are the only one that can make you whole" and if you aren't happy alone then its gonna be a challenge to fill that gap inside you..so take this time to make you whole and fill that gap personally.. then you'll have so much more to give the next lucky girl!!! Hang in there buddy..you are one of the best!!!

 

[Maverick]

Damn Mike, sorry to hear of your personal problems buddy. I hope you find whatver solution you're looking for bud. Being alone does suck sometimes I have to admit that but it will get better buddy, just hang in there.



Mav

 

[MikeS]

Thanks all my good friends. Im coming to terms...having some days to think. Im doing some self help; being proactive in meeting others; and giving the situation with the girlfriend-onhold a chance. But when I do the right things I place less importance on it. Thats good. The self help stuff is vital. Real good stuff on why you dont need others to be happy. But its work, I have to read it and think it...but anything good in life takes work.

 

[Maverick]

Just do what I always do when I have a relationship end. Go find some strippers to party with. That always helps me!!



Mav

 

[OuchThatHurts]

MikeS,

Not only do you not have trouble expressing some rough feelings but you have a healthy attitude about them. You be a'ight fo' sho'! Or as my 12-yr-old would say: fashizzle! (at least I think that's what he's saying)

 

[Cadelles10]

Hope all is well Mike, Why not try going to some classes at your gym to meet girls. I think thats a perfect way to run into women who are fitness minded. Try going to a yoga class or something for a few weeks, once they get used to seeing your face I'm sure they won't hesitate to strike up a conversation, around the gym/during class. Dont forget everyone needs to stretch its better for your workouts so you improve your range of motion, so you get various benifits Best of luck man

 

[MikeS]

Hey the classes are an idea...Im a trainer at my gym and know most everyone anyway...I need a new gym maybe to scan some on weekends or something.

Mav-hey bro I spent my life until 39yo running bars on weekends chasing tail. It was fun...but doesnt fit my lifestyle at 47yo. I will go to clubs...especially strip bars if nothing works out and I end up single. But no drinking and with low expectations-Im not throwing around the kind of money to attract a stripper. She would have to approach me and REALLY be interested, not just in some using some of my money. Its happened...fitness type strippers notice the one muscle guy and will go right to him. Im still dating the current girl...but actively looking. I feel better than I did at the weeks beginning, but it can be up and down.

 

[strongmind]

Hi Mike...

I just read this and wanted to jump on here real quick. Everything that OTH posted is RIGHT ON THE MONEY. He is the pro, after all. Fo shizzle.

Don't sabotage yourself in the relationship realm. In other words, don't not pursue something with a woman just because you're "picky." Sometimes a lasting physical attraction takes more time to develop, and in the process of getting to know her on the inside, she becomes the HOTTEST, most desirable woman to you because she has stimulated your mind, not just your body. Besides, looks fade. I don't care how much plastic surgery she can afford. We ALL go downhill eventually. And then, what's left?

I know you get it so I'll stop talking about it.

You also said that you read a lot of books related to relationships and overcoming lonliness. To me it seems that could be counter-productive for you. Why drown yourself in the very problem you're trying to rise above? Know what I mean? Maybe find something else that interests you to take your mind off of it for a little while. Don't stew about it anymore.

Good luck, Mike. Thanks for reaching out. Keep us posted.

Natalie