can't stop thinking about it

[alan1973]

i have 2 issues that constantly tear at me and lately it has just been getting worse.
I divorced my first wife about 12 years ago after i found she was not only having an affair, but with 2-3 guys at once. She was not only a habitual liar but an honest to god nympho. I thought a nympho would be good cuz i was young and having sex everyday and sometimes 2-3 times a day was better than when I was dating, but it just brought heartache.

I recently found out that she got remarried via a friend and I can't get the feelings of pure hatred out of my head. I swear that if we ever crossed paths, i would probably kill her. I wonder if I still have feelings for her, but i know I shouldn't. the idea of her having any happiness after what she did to me kills me.
I dream about her once a week at least. and it is always about us arguing about the hell she put me through. she is always in my head. i sometimes wish i could do like the movie "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind".

second issue:
my first born son died of SIDS 9 years ago. i still can't get over it and i sometimes pray that I die in my sleep to be with him again. I eventually snap out of it and remember that I have 2 lovely daughters and a beautiful wife, but I don't seem to have moved on like my wife.

I have a hard time of letting go with a lot of things in my past...but these two things are the worst.

Not really looking for advice, but I just needed a place to lay this out.
maybe I might feel better after doing this.

 

[strongmind]

Hey alan... these are both really, really tough issues to be dealing with. I'm glad you were able to "get it out." That's actually a great first step in the healing process. I know you said you're not looking for advice here, but let me offer this anyway. About your ex, why do you think you still carry feelings for her? Does your current wife know about your dreams and the feelings you have? Hate is not the opposite of love. It is just as intense an emotion and carries just as much meaning. This painful experience haunts you beacuse it is still unresolved in some way. You need to find a way to resolve it within yourself.

About your son... first, let me offer my sympathies for your loss. What you are describing about wanting to die in your sleep, though, concerns me immensely. It seems you do have a hard time letting go of the past. This is not uncommon in people who have experienced traumatic events in their life, as you have. Seeing a therapist to help you deal with the painful memories as well as the painful emotions you are experiencing now would be a really good idea. He or she can help you come to terms with the past and focus on seeing the good in the present and being thankful for what you have today.

Again, I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Keep your priorities straight and focus on the here and now. Our past experiences do help shape who we are today. But you can use the past to make you stronger or you can let it make you weak and afraid and angry. The choice is yours.

i have 2 issues that constantly tear at me and lately it has just been getting worse.
I divorced my first wife about 12 years ago after i found she was not only having an affair, but with 2-3 guys at once. She was not only a habitual liar but an honest to god nympho. I thought a nympho would be good cuz i was young and having sex everyday and sometimes 2-3 times a day was better than when I was dating, but it just brought heartache.

I recently found out that she got remarried via a friend and I can't get the feelings of pure hatred out of my head. I swear that if we ever crossed paths, i would probably kill her. I wonder if I still have feelings for her, but i know I shouldn't. the idea of her having any happiness after what she did to me kills me.
I dream about her once a week at least. and it is always about us arguing about the hell she put me through. she is always in my head. i sometimes wish i could do like the movie "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind".

second issue:
my first born son died of SIDS 9 years ago. i still can't get over it and i sometimes pray that I die in my sleep to be with him again. I eventually snap out of it and remember that I have 2 lovely daughters and a beautiful wife, but I don't seem to have moved on like my wife.

I have a hard time of letting go with a lot of things in my past...but these two things are the worst.

Not really looking for advice, but I just needed a place to lay this out.
maybe I might feel better after doing this.

 

[maxsupplements]

well, i can give you a little..

advice.. i would think that if you are still having thoughts of your ex wife, you still have some emotions that you have not let go yet. i would venture to guess you still think about her. things she did and such. well, i would say you need to just forgive her for what she did. you cant FORGET it, but at least forgive her. you dont have to actually tell her. but its a good idea to get this past you bro. especially for the love of your current family. you need to just let it fly, people make mistakes. and she did, and its over and done, but you are still harboring thoughts and emtions. man, im not trying to be a dick, but i was in your shoes. didnt actually think about killing her though... i would say you need to just in your own mind decide that there is no reason for you to hold this resentment, she fudded up, not you bro. if she cheated that seriously, then oh well. shit happens. thats the way it goes. Listen, my wife cheated on me as well, bad deal. but she and i have decided we both made some bad decisions in the relalationsip. now, i dont have a family, or anything, but i am still friends with my ex wife. we talk on a monthly basis. its good. but seriously. think about just FORGETING this. it will be a lot better for you to just forget it all...

again, this is IMHO.....

 

[OuchThatHurts]

i have 2 issues that constantly tear at me and lately it has just been getting worse.
I divorced my first wife about 12 years ago after i found she was not only having an affair, but with 2-3 guys at once. She was not only a habitual liar but an honest to god nympho. I thought a nympho would be good cuz i was young and having sex everyday and sometimes 2-3 times a day was better than when I was dating, but it just brought heartache.

I recently found out that she got remarried via a friend and I can't get the feelings of pure hatred out of my head. I swear that if we ever crossed paths, i would probably kill her. I wonder if I still have feelings for her, but i know I shouldn't. the idea of her having any happiness after what she did to me kills me.
I dream about her once a week at least. and it is always about us arguing about the hell she put me through. she is always in my head. i sometimes wish i could do like the movie "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind".

second issue:
my first born son died of SIDS 9 years ago. i still can't get over it and i sometimes pray that I die in my sleep to be with him again. I eventually snap out of it and remember that I have 2 lovely daughters and a beautiful wife, but I don't seem to have moved on like my wife.

I have a hard time of letting go with a lot of things in my past...but these two things are the worst.

Not really looking for advice, but I just needed a place to lay this out.
maybe I might feel better after doing this.

alan, my friend, strongmind is correct. You are very obviously experiencing the results of unresolved events in your past. Love and hate. What a strange pair they make. There's actually a thin line between both emotions. In love, we CARE that the person does well and is happy. In hate, we also CARE about the person, only that they do badly and are unhappy. It's no coincindence that the people we tend to hate the most can be the same people we once loved the most.

I know I say this a lot, but you can get some relief from these feelings and getting them out, as strongmind said, is a great first step. Now that you know what they are or where they come from, you can begin to attack them. You will always have some painful memories. I don't want to disillusion you into thinking that you can be totally free of them. But you have to try to get to the point where they do not constantly spill over into your life as it is today.

Unfortunately, bad memories aren't like tax returns. You can't hold them for three years and then shred 'em. You've been holding onto these memories long enough. Go see someone. If you give me a locality, I may know someone in your area.

Try to be at peace. Relief is available for you.