Competition: Win a free cycle!

[Flex4777]

No honey, I don't feel like it tonight...." This was written by a
guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humour!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was
that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet
dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each
outfit." We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She
must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to
think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when
she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this
look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love
me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that girl
knows I'm smarter than her.

AMEN!!! LOL!

 

[Big_K]

A little bunny is jumping through the happy field of magic and light one morning, when he comes across a turtle huffing away on a joint.

"what are you doing Mr.Turtle! you can't do that, it'll kill you! come for a run with me!'

So the turtle ponders this for a second then says ok, and they both go off on a trip around the happy field of magicand light .

A little bit later they come across an elephant with a big bowl of coke.
"what are you doing Mr.Elephant! you can't do that, it'll kill you! come for a run with us!'
The elephant has a think, then says ok, and all three go off on a trip around the happy field of light and magic.

A bit later, after they're all tired out, they come across a dark cave in the corner of the happy field of magic and light. Mr.bunny, being a curious little bunny, goes inside, followed by all the others. Inside they find a lion cooking up some smack. They all look horrified, and the little bunny goes over to talk to him.

"what are you doing mr.li..." is all he can say before *WACK* Mr.Lion swipes Mr.Bunny against the wall, turning him into freshly squeezed bunny juice. Now the other animals look even more horrified.

"what was that for Mr.Lion!?" says mr.turtle.

Mr.Lion turns to him angrily and says "every time that bunnys on pills he trys to make me go on a run"

 

[bigfatandugly]

superhero joke...

Superman, bored of flying around looking for crime calls up Spiderman one nite to see if he wanted to get together for a few beers.

' I can't tonite Superman, i'm working on a new web formula.' replied Spidey.

So, Superman decides to callup up his old friend Batman to see if he was up to a nite out.

' Sorry Superman, I can't tonite- i have to stay home and work on the Batmobile ' came the reply.

Ah well, thought Superman, I'll just make one last pass over the city and head home to bed then.

Just as he was flying over the waterfront he noticed a body on the beach.

Swooping down for a closer look he comes to find it's Wonder- woman laying on her back, spread- eagled.

Now, Superman for a long time has had a huge thing for Wonder- woman and has wanted to bed her for sometime but has never had the opporunity- until now.

' I could swoop down there and using my super- speed do the deed before she or anyone else would notice.' he thought to himself- and that is exactly what he did.

in the same split- second it took Superman to satisfactorily do the deed and fly off, Wonder- woman opened her eyes and said allowed ' what was that?'.

' i dunno, " replied Invisibleman, rolling off of her ' but it hurt like hell.'

 

[Big L]

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.
When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

 

[simplyjakked]

whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer...a prostitute can wash her crack and re-sell it!

 

[dewayne6243]

A biker was riding along a California highway when

>> suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a

>> booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have

>> tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant

>> you one wish."

>> The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to

>> Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

>> The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic.

>> Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of

>> undertaking. The supports required to reach the

>> bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it

>> would take!

>> It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

>> I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your

>> desire for worldly things. Take a little more time

>> and think of something that would honor and glorify

>> me."

>> The biker thought about it for a long time.

>> Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could

>> understand my wife. I want to know how she feels

>> inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the

>> silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when

>> she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman

>> truly happy.

>> The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on

>> that bridge?"

 

[marbalizer99]

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.

"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"

"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."

 

[bigfatandugly]

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.

"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"

"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."

LMAO...!

 

[CSWOLE]

George Bush converversation

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China

 

[lacrosse64]

A few years back, I was attending college at San Diego State University. I met this girl and we were kinda hangin out for a few weeks, off and on. Anyway, saturday night came around and my fraternity had a big party. She came, we kinda messed around there, then I went to her dorm with her. We get back, absolutely hammered, and screw. Now what happened next was crazy. Keep in mind, at this time, I was dieting very hard and on clen and T3. That night was my first night in about 4-5weeks where I actually drank a lot and had a cheat meal. It was mexican food(1 carneasada burrito and 5 rolled taco's with guac and sour cream) Consumed about 6 pap's blue ribbon beers and about 5shots worth of vodka in mixed drinks within about an hour) Anyway, I wake up the next morning around 6am to find shit all over the bed. Were talking about liquid dirreara everywhere. All over my boxers, the bedspread,etc.... I start to panic and had no idea what to do. I kinda tapped her, and made some noise, but she got soooooo hammered the night before, she was dead asleep. I couldnt let her know Im a little baby who shit the bed,so i got this idea. What I did was, I took off my boxers and scooped up some shit, then I smeared it in the inside of "her" butthole and a little on the cheeks to make it look like she made the mess. It was perfect, b/c she had mexican food as well and the way I masterpieced it on her was flawless. I left a note, saying "OMG, I didnt want to wake you, b/c i'd prefer to never speak to you agian. This is the most foul,disgusting, repulsive thing i've ever seen someone do" and I left. The funny thing is, I never saw her again, she never came to the fraternity and I never saw her in the area again. Its almost like she dissapeared.

My friend told me almsot that same story........it was ne of the funniest things i ever hear

 

[BabyBeast05]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "HEY, ITS NOT A LIFE SENTENCE,
OKAY!!!

 

[nolenut]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The young man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor guy broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

 

[Flex4777]

^^^

OH DAMN!!! LMFAO!!! hahahahahahahaha

 

[JustWannaBeHuge]

here's my joke

Why I fired my secretary---

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on
that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be
pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy
Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They
will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't
say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat
despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane s! aid, "Good Morning
Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least
someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my
door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is
your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I
said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's
go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She
chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane
said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight
back to the office, Do we?

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner." After arriving at
her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right
back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came
out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and
dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked

 

[amse]

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[swervedriver]

cousins??

Two ole rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon
drinkin' a cold one.

After a while the first fellow says to the second,
"If'n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday
and make love to your wife while you was off
playing golf, and she got pregnant and had a baby,
would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for
a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his
eyes like he was thinking real hard about the
question.

Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin,
but it'd make us even. Know what I mean, butterbean."

 

[healthfreak79]

Did you hear about the pope he got the bird flu, they say he got it from a cardinal.... ha ha ha ha ha

 

[joikd]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

 

[TooPowerful4u]

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

BEAT THAT ONE FUCKERS

 

[punk]

My Entry

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"