Contemplating Divorce

[J4CKT]

Wow, that's a tuff situation you're in Bro. I
understand trying to keep her happy but you shouldn't be doing it at the
cost of your own happiness.

:yeahthat:

She should want to make you happy just as much as you do her.

Otherwise you will never truly be happy, and I actually wonder is she
herself is happy.

Oh and her getting her family to sign up to your gym is pure evil. I can't
stand it when people do things purely out of spite. It's pathetic.

Honestly, for things to change the person has to change, not just try
something different for a little while then go back to what they normally
do.

Whatever happens if you stay together I hope things are different for the
better and if you seperate then I am sure you will find that in the end
you will be happier.

Wish you the best of luck. You sound like a really good person with a
good heart.

 

[Jello]

yes and no. she lived with them up until a year before we got married. i figured the whole enmeshment thing could be cultural, but also because she was young and leaving home. the first year we lived together everyone was calling even my family friends all the time and overly involved because ewe were planning a wedding. i figure it would all stop once the wedding was over. i figure i was not marrying her brother and would not see his racist ass much and neither would my friends so it would not be issue. i think we live to close to her brother and parents also, which is a problem. her brother lives not even 2 miles up the road and her parents about 5 miles. I'm on east coast maybe i should give it a second chance and move to arizona or something with her.

Arizona is nice and warm

 

[hawkmoon]

yes and no. she lived with them up until a year before we got married. i figured the whole enmeshment thing could be cultural, but also because she was young and leaving home. the first year we lived together everyone was calling even my family friends all the time and overly involved because ewe were planning a wedding. i figure it would all stop once the wedding was over. i figure i was not marrying her brother and would not see his racist ass much and neither would my friends so it would not be issue. i think we live to close to her brother and parents also, which is a problem. her brother lives not even 2 miles up the road and her parents about 5 miles. I'm on east coast maybe i should give it a second chance and move to arizona or something with her.

Moving might give you a chance - but would she go along with it? I suspect even if she would her family will guilt her into not doing it.

 

[thebrick]

Moving might give you a chance - but would she go along with it? I suspect even if she would her family will guilt her into not doing it.

Exactly. Dragonfire, I think you have your work cut out for you. Your wife should be the one to put her foot down with her family. Even if she can do that, they may not respect her boundaries. A meddling, manipulating family will smother any relationship. You have an uphill battle ahead.

 

[oldfella]

This is a tough but not uncommon situation. I have no problem with supporting family members and the strong bond within a family. It is a good thing, but this is a case of too much of a good thing and it is interfering with your life and your relationship. The question is for her........Does she realize that this is the main cause of the breakdown? Does she not see that her family is controling her life and to a wider extent yours? Moving farther away is a great idea, but she will need to agree with it too. SOmetimes distance will do the trick, sometimes the nightmare follows you across the globe, all depends on their situation.

I would try to sit down and lay down the law, Dragonfire's law. Not in an overbearing way but let them all know that this is not a satisfactory situation. I mean you are not trying to bust up the family cell, just trying to get you and your wife a life of your own with out all the meddling and interference. At least go down with a fight as it is said, but you need to let her and her family know that you are not happy about the situation and that they, not you are the cause of the breakdown. Now if she does not love you any longer, then this is an entirely different situation. Nothing you can do about that. But if this is all, as you have explained about the family and their constant attention seeking from their daughter or some form of keeping total control of their daughter then it can be changed. She is going to have to be strong with you and make this stand. When my current partner told me she was afraid of what her mother might think of me, my reply was "I am not here to make your mother happy, she will either like me or she wont". "If you are going to have a problem with that then we better think long and hard about where we are going with this". I also told her "I am not in this relationship for your mother, I am in this for you". As it turns out her mother thinks I am a great guy. So it was easy. Her mother also is very manipulative of her daughter, but I have pretty much put a stop to that and now everything is great. I guess what i am saying about that is "Don't put up with the shit from her family bro". Get along with them fine but you do not have to live with them. So if moving will do it then I say do that ASAP. Pull her ass out of the firing line and get on with your lives.

 

[dragonfire101]

She is back home and we have a counseling session I set up we will be going to. Hopefully things work out and we can come to some compromise.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

As a Pollack, I can tell you, this is Polish culture. The families stick together very tightly. I bet they feed you good, eh? You can try but I don't think laying down the law will help. Didn't they make a movie like this? Wasn't it called "My Big Fat Polish Wedding?"

I wouldn't change a single thing you do. Appeasement in Slovak countries just makes them bolder. You do your thing and speak loudly and forcefully to them - not in a nasty American way, but in a gruff, manly, macho Polish way - even if you don't speak the language. You need to project strength or they'll walk all over you.

You don't have to deal with all that though. You can leave. I doubt you'll be prying her away from that band of Pollacks anytime soon so you have to make a decision here. Normally, they calm down a bit after the wedding. Does she love you? Does she say it? Do you love her?

I'd say go over there, puff up your chest, and yell at anyone who tries to speak over you. Knock the old man out if you have to! That will do more good that trying to reason with him. You've been together a long time and it won't happen overnight. They'll just hate you in the end either way but they'll kiss your cheeks and pretend to be happy to see you.

Again, like I said, you always have the alternative. With no kids, sometimes it's better to cut your losses. I think though if you stake your claim and speak forcefully - no chit chat - they'll eventually turn around. They won't change for you, by God, but at least they'll treat you better and give you and the wife some free space!

odwaznym moj mlody przyjaciel

 

[dragonfire101]

As a Pollack, I can tell you, this is Polish culture. The families stick together very tightly. I bet they feed you good, eh? YES You can try but I don't think laying down the law will help. Didn't they make a movie like this? Wasn't it called "My Big Fat Polish Wedding?"

I wouldn't change a single thing you do. Appeasement in Slovak countries just makes them bolder. You do your thing and speak loudly and forcefully to them - not in a nasty American way, but in a gruff, manly, macho Polish way - even if you don't speak the language. You need to project strength or they'll walk all over you.

You don't have to deal with all that though. You can leave. I doubt you'll be prying her away from that band of Pollacks anytime soon so you have to make a decision here. Normally, they calm down a bit after the wedding. Does she love you? YES Does she say it? ALL THE TIME Do you love her? YES

I'd say go over there, puff up your chest, and yell at anyone who tries to speak over you. Knock the old man out if you have to! That will do more good that trying to reason with him. You've been together a long time and it won't happen overnight. They'll just hate you in the end either way but they'll kiss your cheeks and pretend to be happy to see you.

Again, like I said, you always have the alternative. With no kids, sometimes it's better to cut your losses. I think though if you stake your claim and speak forcefully - no chit chat - they'll eventually turn around. They won't change for you, by God, but at least they'll treat you better and give you and the wife some free space!

odwaznym moj mlody przyjaciel

Ya I don't know what I'm going to do. Just tonight the wife went to yoga class with her mother because her mother wanted to go. Then it will be she had to do something else because her mother wanted to do it. It stops for a week or two if I say something then again starts. Maybe were to culturally different although we are similar in so many ways. Its very remarkable to me how that can be. I feel its because American or don't speak Polish. To me its ironic that her family cant accept other cultures and people here rin the US, but expect themselves to be accepted in this country when they isolate themselves from mainstream American society, culture and practices.

dzienkuje Sluchac

I don't know how to write in tenses or use Polish words in tenses. Hard to learn a lot of the words end up looking like and sounding like a totally different word if that makes sense.

 

[oldfella]

As a Pollack, I can tell you, this is Polish culture. The families stick together very tightly. I bet they feed you good, eh? You can try but I don't think laying down the law will help. Didn't they make a movie like this? Wasn't it called "My Big Fat Polish Wedding?"

I wouldn't change a single thing you do. Appeasement in Slovak countries just makes them bolder. You do your thing and speak loudly and forcefully to them - not in a nasty American way, but in a gruff, manly, macho Polish way - even if you don't speak the language. You need to project strength or they'll walk all over you.

You don't have to deal with all that though. You can leave. I doubt you'll be prying her away from that band of Pollacks anytime soon so you have to make a decision here. Normally, they calm down a bit after the wedding. Does she love you? Does she say it? Do you love her?

I'd say go over there, puff up your chest, and yell at anyone who tries to speak over you. Knock the old man out if you have to! That will do more good that trying to reason with him. You've been together a long time and it won't happen overnight. They'll just hate you in the end either way but they'll kiss your cheeks and pretend to be happy to see you.

Again, like I said, you always have the alternative. With no kids, sometimes it's better to cut your losses. I think though if you stake your claim and speak forcefully - no chit chat - they'll eventually turn around. They won't change for you, by God, but at least they'll treat you better and give you and the wife some free space!

odwaznym moj mlody przyjaciel

SO if you can't kill em with kindness, baffle em with bullshit just go over and knock someone the fuck out??? Now how is that not laying down the law, albeit pollack style? OTH you always make me laugh, that is some funny shit. Sad part is true. I did some growing up in Detroit Mich. my dad always came home with some stories about the pollacks in the city or at the bus station. He probably deported quite a few of em too. he used to say, Those fuckin pollacks are some stubborn sumbitches!!

 

[OuchThatHurts]

SO if you can't kill em with kindness, baffle em with bullshit just go over and knock someone the fuck out??? Now how is that not laying down the law, albeit pollack style? OTH you always make me laugh, that is some funny shit. Sad part is true. I did some growing up in Detroit Mich. my dad always came home with some stories about the pollacks in the city or at the bus station. He probably deported quite a few of em too. he used to say, Those fuckin pollacks are some stubborn sumbitches!!

I grew up in a house just like he's describing - that's the sad part! Crazy bastards.

Russians are even worse! Have you ever heard their language??? You can't even properly speak Russian without sounding angry. Polish is almost as bad.

 

[lineman]

I wish you the best, bro. If she is unwilling to change and you are unhappy, move on. Quit while you are ahead. Maybe she needs a man from Poland to be happy. Anyway, a family should not influence a marriage the way you are being influenced. My ex wife was Bohemian, but her family was not old school. When I first met her I asked what is Bohemian? She stated Checleslovakian(spelling. LOL). I said what's that, a Pollack with a nickel? She did not find that as funny as I did. I still talk to her sister to this day. Hope counseling works for ya.

 

[Ehren]

OTH is right.

I live in a Slavic country and it's like that. They stick together, but if you have the girls heart, there's room to move. If not, you do the yelling and she sticks to the family.

Yes, I have yelled at a GF's dad. The great thing was that it happened at my house. So, my rules. He said something demeaning and I had to make the call to stick up for myself or be thought a bitch. It was the most uncomfortable thing I've done though, as I wasn't raised that way. But it worked. My ex GF tells me he asks about me and tells her now how it's too bad she fucked it up

Good luck Dragon. On a side note, keep in mind that the women of the family should do as you say. If they showed up at my gym I'd send them the fuck home.

 

[Nssca]

We been together over 10yrs and married 3, living together about 5. No kids. She is a good woman and will make someone happy if we don’t stay together and will be a good mother and she is very caring. We are just different culturally we are very similar, but very different. We are both polish, catholic went to same college have similar beliefs, but culturally I’m third generation American and she and her family are from Poland. Issues are her family comes before me. She has even said it. I believe he is actually enmeshed with them. She has no friends and only her family as an example of what is typical norms and nothing to gauge what are social norms to anything else. She is stuck in these old European roles. She feels I should be home from work everyday at 5:30 and that’s what being married is. She can’t even con conceptualize people have hobbies they do after work like play softball on a team anything actually. I don’t do any of those things. I don’t go drink with buddies none of that. I might go for a walk at the mall 30min before I go home to wind done and or sometimes go to a buddies to shoot the shit on way home for no longer than 30 min. that’s it. She expects me to be with her all the time. She at her parents all the time almost every day and then they call 5 min after she gets home. Her whole immediate family calls her to do everything. Her brother to cancel his gym membership, parents to pay bills, make phone calls her mother even called to ask her to go to our fridge to look at back of ketchup bottle and list the ingredients because she wanted to make ketchup. She has a internet and her own ketchup and knows how to read write better English than me. Her family wants the whole family over every weekend and I have to sit there for 6 hrs listening talk polish when they can talk English accept her father, but everyone else can. They do this all the time. They don’t even have someone say what they said. I feel like an outsider and feel although my ethnicity is polish I’m American that’s the issue as well. They are always so anti-American or negative. If they do talk to me it’s to insult me. Like typical American cant learn another language. Stuff like that and then anything American sucks. I sitting watching a HUMMER commercial and its the Russians made a better one. Also I grew up in inner city my best man was black and all my grooms men were accept her brother who is racist. Only time he talks English it to male racist remarks and use the “N” word in front of me purposely. So I guess me issues are a little different than some may think or many other couples have.

I can almost guarantee the problem is you and your inability to just except her and her ways...She is your wife, so either love her and be the husband she wants or just keep blaming her and her family. You need to compromise or get a divorce..but don't lay blame.

 

[zaven]

I can almost guarantee the problem is you and your inability to just except her and her ways...She is your wife, so either love her and be the husband she wants or just keep blaming her and her family. You need to compromise or get a divorce..but don't lay blame.

YouTube - Billy Madison - Wrong Answer

 

[thebrick]

odwaznym moj mlody przyjaciel

OK... I gotta know what that says

Not to detract from the thread, but the Polish thing reminded me of a good joke I heard last year something like this…

A Polish man immigrates to the U.S. and is excited to start his new life in the states. In the process he goes down to the DMV to apply for his new drivers license. During the eye test, the examiner asks the Polish man to read the line on the chart. He asks the man, "can you read this line of letters?
WJZOPQECZ
To which the man replys… "Can I read it? Heck! I know the guy!"

 

[ronnieron]

"love never fails"
I would not try to change her, nobody can change a person and I think it will only piss her off more."
Have you two gone to counseling yet? If so, I would see that as a start that she is at least willing to go and put forth any effort in keeping the marriage together.

 

[Amazon Doll]

I can almost guarantee the problem is you and your inability to just except her and her ways...She is your wife, so either love her and be the husband she wants or just keep blaming her and her family. You need to compromise or get a divorce..but don't lay blame.

OMG!!!
It sounds like all Dragon has been doing is bending over backwards for this woman and all he does is get stepped on more!



I am with OTH totally. If you are going to try and stay, you need to extend your boundries, not compromise more, or you will continue to be her & her family's doormat.

 

[dragonfire101]

"love never fails"
I would not try to change her, nobody can change a person and I think it will only piss her off more."
Have you two gone to counseling yet? If so, I would see that as a start that she is at least willing to go and put forth any effort in keeping the marriage together.

Yes we started going. I'm not trying to change her, but she is stuck in these cultural roles from another country that make her family influence me. Why should I change for them and to their cultural norms of another country when I live here in the US. We both should be assimilating each other cultures and develop a respect for each other.

Originally Posted by Nssca
"I can almost guarantee the problem is you and your inability to just except her and her ways...She is your wife, so either love her and be the husband she wants or just keep blaming her and her family. You need to compromise or get a divorce..but don't lay blame"

So its ok for me to change for her and be whatever she wants me to be. That pretty one sided. If that's the case I would have to drop all my friends who are not polish, do only polish things polish people do, learn to talk only polish and work in their backyard every weekend all day and after work like they do. I forgot learn to think I can fix everything myself so in a year it falls apart again. Think I'm and electrician and or plumber and do repair work in my house and friends homes that is not up to code or either safe but hey its saves money, money, money to do things half ass.

I accept her, but not her parents ways, which they make her stay in and influence her way of thinking by always pulling her into everything they do. Its a controlling technique. They need to let her assimilate and adopt to our own lives-marraige and what we want not theirs and what they want, which is stay polish-polish. If that's the case they should have stayed in Poland and had her marry polish if they wanted everything polish and can't accept and assimilate to different cultures, U.S. societal norms and alternate ways of thinking. Not saying to change everything, but if we had kids they would be polish American. What would they do make them send them to Polish schools not have any American friends, only could hang out with Polish family members etc etc.

 

[dragonfire101]

OK... I gotta know what that says

"Stay strong my young friend" or something like that. My polish is not that good.

It was nothing very entertaining like smack her parents in the head or anything like that. LOL

 

[dragonfire101]

OMG!!!
It sounds like all Dragon has been doing is bending over backwards for this woman and all he does is get stepped on more!



I am with OTH totally. If you are going to try and stay, you need to extend your boundries, not compromise more, or you will continue to be her & her family's doormat.

I'm glad you agree, especially from a womens prospective. I was scared to open the thread when I seen you posted LOL

I'm the one who even found the therapist and set up the appointments. First session was her saying all the things wrong with me and she wants me to do. Clean the house more, be home earlier right after work, call her everyday from work and tell he I love her and make sure I tell her at least 3-4 times a day, take her out to do things more and the list goes on and on.

All I want is for her parents not to act like their married to my wife and be so controlling with keeping her to conform how they want her to be and allow her to be married to me and create her own life.