Convince me to not jump on again, atleast yet

[D_trip]

I will try to make a long story short.

I worked out for a few years before I jumped on my first cycle which never ended because I wanted to get on stage. 350 test/w got to 700mg/w and then come other compounds. I suffered from terrible acne on my back and got accutane way to late and now my skin is ruined, not because of the spots but because they are ”craters”. Its OK during relaxed but during posing with good lightning I look like a posterboy (warning) for anti-steroidcommercial.

Fast forward two years and I got reckles after a long diet, wanted to blow up to got on test, tren and superdrol in high dose which in hindsight messed with my lipids. Together with stress, horrible sleep, zero cardio and alot of energy drinks I suffered a ’cardiovascular event’.

Something happen to me but no cardiologist can/could explain what and all bloodwork was fine, noone was really alarmed but I took it serious and jumped off everything but cruise test. I got a ultrasound of the heart and they said it looked like a typical athlete.

From there on I knew that I would never step on a stage and months down the like I got off test and stopped training after a few months where I had to work extra and simply had no time.

-

That was then. During this christmas I suffered from anxiety attacks and got worried about my heart again and re-did every test. ECG, 24hr-ECG, all bloodwork+extra ”heartmarkers” and ultrasound. Everything came back perfect including the ultrasound.

I started to work out again because I really wanted to and now Im a few months down the line with a diet in check with goal to drop 25lbs and get sub 10% bodyfat since I always was 14-15% before.

The problem now is the desire to ”get big” is slowly creeping in me again. Before I felt small but looking at those pictures makes me realize I was huge (not compared to the big guys here but still). Alot has happen since then in my country and nowdays its very easy to get all bloodwork done and those are a must this time around and I know for 100% I will never do those kinda stacks again because the stage-dream is over and done.

But I still get ”sucked in” by browsing this forum all the time, viewing youtube-channels on steroids again. Now all the SARMs and MK seem so available and the sides seems like nothing compared to ”real steroids” but I know its because there have been so much more research on the latter.

How do I keep myself from jumping on the gun again even if my body looks like crap and Im not even lifting half of what I did when I stopped. The only postive thing I see is that ”hyperplasia” seems to be a real thing because I feel like I got more volume that the weights I lift and when I got pump I can slightly admire it in a mirror.

Since Im 30 now MK-677 looks really interesting but Im on a -1000 calorie deficit the hunger would probably get the best of me.



TL;DR

How do I keep myself from steroids, stay on the training-program, use my knowedge for a few years and let muscle memory do the work after suffering pretty serious side effects but was recently declared perfectly healthy?

 

[Alzadosghost]

I want to see pictures of you when your “Huge”. You are 30 years old and you are asking other men to think for you. Looks to me like you've already given enough reasons not to use steroids so what’s your issue again? Try the fucking basics that support muscle growth eating and training. You gotta walk before you can run dude. And try thinking for yourself using common sense I think you need to grasp basics and use your brain

 

[Dens228]

You sound like an addict with impulse control and anxiety issues.

Potential health altering drugs like anabolics in your situation will either make you live in constant fear that you are dying or you will use way too much to compensate for your lack of consistency and need for immediate gratification and damage your health due to your obsessive compulsive nature.

There, don't do it.

 

[D_trip]

I want to see pictures of you when your “Huge”. You are 30 years old and you are asking other men to think for you. Looks to me like you've already given enough reasons not to use steroids so what’s your issue again? Try the fucking basics that support muscle growth eating and training. You gotta walk before you can run dude. And try thinking for yourself using common sense I think you need to grasp basics and use your brain

I wasnt huge but compared to now I was but I would never get on stage so there would be no point what so ever doing those PEDs again.

You dont have to be rude. Its hard for me to accept that what I want and what I can achieve is two completly different things.

You sound like an addict with impulse control and anxiety issues.

Potential health altering drugs like anabolics in your situation will either make you live in constant fear that you are dying or you will use way too much to compensate for your lack of consistency and need for immediate gratification and damage your health due to your obsessive compulsive nature.

There, don't do it.

Not to far from the truth. Ive always felt a hate for my mind and my body and my go-to was working out and bodybuilding. When I couldnt reach where I wanted and I got the side effects it only got worse mentally.

The only real difference now from then is that I know for 100% that I cant reach that level. Tried it and it didnt work.

 

[Bio]

You're looking for others to tell you it's ok to start juicing again...basically looking for permission. Make your first priorities lifting and eating! Back in the day, we lifted consistently because that was our passion. Then came diet to shape our bodies and then came AAS as the cherry on top. Now it's gear first, then train when you can. Only consistent lifting will get you to your goals. These days many won't even lift without being on.

That said, IF ANYTHING, you need to look into TRT and possibly 2 iu's of GH...that's it! For you, I would avoid MK-677 if you're worried about your heart. For many it causes a lot of water retention and high blood pressure and does nothing for fat loss like GH does. Stick with the basics.

 

[D_trip]

You're looking for others to tell you it's ok to start juicing again...basically looking for permission. Make your first priorities lifting and eating! Back in the day, we lifted consistently because that was our passion. Then came diet to shape our bodies and then came AAS as the cherry on top. Now it's gear first, then train when you can. Only consistent lifting will get you to your goals. These days many won't even lift without being on.

That said, IF ANYTHING, you need to look into TRT and possibly 2 iu's of GH...that's it! For you, I would avoid MK-677 if you're worried about your heart. For many it causes a lot of water retention and high blood pressure and does nothing for fat loss like GH does. Stick with the basics.

Well Im no psycologist, maybe it is that way but I honestly just want to be happy with not doing the stuff I did because I was always unhappy either way. I was always too small, not getting enough results and so on but today I accept I just cant.

What was/is weird is that my lipids was great on test (got accutane at last) and my bloodpressure was always under 130/70.

Whats tough for me now is accepting that its a long road to get anywhere close to how I looked compared to ”play it safe this time” and closer quicker.

I know you all think of me as mentally weak that seek others approval, but its not like I list all my problems and expect ”just go for it”-responses. Typing something down is somewhat my way of not just tossing thoughts around, I mean I could just always just have jumped on it.

Would be pretty stoked if someone chimed in like ”Hey, I was in your situation about starting again but muscle memory really did help my body... bla bla bla”. Wishful thinking I guess.

 

[Tomgrass]

I think that you should think why do you go to the gym in the first place. For me it was always about classic look and be active healthy. Also physique attractive for woman is a plus. Stop chasing unrealistic dream of being mass monster instead try be the best version of you that you can be including health (trt some mast or proviron or primo and gh or mk). That combination is best for your goals.

 

[Swifto]

I think you can go a long way on 100-200mg of Test and 2iu HGH with a very good diet and frequent training program of overload and progression in weight and cals.

 

[johnjuanb1]

I’d say find a good HRT doc who is bodybuilder friendly to monitor your health and put you on a safe dose of testosterone. They’re out there.

 

[hexarel13]

anxiety. panic attacks. you want to go through that shit again? then jump on.

 

[Alzadosghost]

Don’t have to be rude?? WTH? Are you 11 yrs old? Like I said I want to see pics I doubt you even exist. Lol. Hey Last time I checked we are grown men here giving real sometimes hard truths. Dude it’s called being honest and after you said that I’m pretty sure your second biggest problem next to not thinking before you speak relying too heavily on others to do that part for you is lack of controlling your elevated estrogen levels. If I was your father I’d tell you straight up You just need to fucking man up. I just call it like I see it.