Could use common sense advice....

[FordTurboDiesel]

I don't normally do this. Maybe it just feels un-natural for me, but I have a situation where I could use some, "outside" input from people that don't know me from Adam.

I met a girl online 1.5 months ago. Things escalated pretty quick and we wound up meeting the other day. We get along great, and in every way we agree on things. We both wanted to make sure we were taking our time and making sure we were getting involved for all the right reasons.
I have a bunch of pictures of her. Most seem pretty recent. I guess the deal was, when she got out of the car, she was bigger than what I had myself set up to think.
I have never been this superficial....EVER. I finally meet someone I get along with and she's good looking but she's heavier. I mean....what the hell is wrong with me?
We got into a disagreement about weight a couple weeks ago and now I am starting to realize why. I don't think she's ever been this heavy before, but do to some circumstances in her life....she just packed it on some. It could happen to me....or anyone for that matter...and maybe she's willing to take it off, but I feel like after our conversation I don't even DARE to bring it up....and how can I?

.....eh...I don't know...don't even know if this is making sense. All I know is today she has kind of picked up on something not being right and has been drilling me all day which drives me away even further.

.....am I nuts? For the first time in a long time, I feel like I don't know what to do. I sure as hell don't want to see her go....but I can't stand the constant drilling as to how I feel.

 

[Designbuilt]

Well your situation has good aspects and bad ones.

When I disagree with my wife and something is wrong, I tell her! No games, just straight tell her, we're both adults so on with it.


The problem is that you just met this girl. However, if she keeps drilling you, you should tell her that you don't like how she got upset about something as little (ha) as weight issues. Tell her that you are an open person and that you like to be able to communicate with people, especially in a relationship, and if you can't do that without fear then something is wrong.

That's what the key is, once you can start talking without her going nuts, then you can find out more, give advice on how to lose weight and put her on a program, or whatever.

Good luck

 

[FordTurboDiesel]

Thanks. You know....I have no problem talking about weight. The whole "disagreement" I spoke of, came about because I said if I was with someone and was putting on weight, I would want them to tell me....or motivate me.

She was absolutely, DEAD set against saying anything talking about how it could hurt someone's feeiling. Im not a lovey dovey guy anyway.....but when your with someone you care about and want them to be healthy and look good....I don't understand the problem.

...eh anyhow....I want a relationship that is completely open, I guess I just don't know how to tell her that she looks different then I thought, but I still want to get to know her. Seem like the one issue that is bothering me is the very issue she flipped out over on the phone so....she's made a situation we can't even talk about.....

 

[bhumik]

just my opinion. 1.5 months and only one meeting, is too early to be talking about her weight. the guy above me says he is open with his wife, but thats his wife. THis is just a stranger you have known for 1.5 months. If you really want to get to know her you should take your time before you bring up the weight issue. I m sure she realizes she is heavy, and is hurt that you dont think of her as attractive as u used to think of her in ur mind. So its just her defense mechanism kicking in saying "one shouldnt talk bout weight with their significant other" while in reality once she was comfortable with u she herself would tell you how she would like to lose weight and if u could help/ motivate her.

 

[FordTurboDiesel]

Your right....without a doubt. I don't think it would really be right to bring that up. She acknowledges that she's put on weight and has been working out in her home to take some of it off. I guess I feel cornered cause I don't feel like we can even talk about it, without it becoming a heated debate. Thats the part I don't like.

.....We talked last night and I told her I thought she looked different when we met and I left it at that. It's not worth geting into it this soon, nor do I want to lose the potential. She's a great person,,,it's me who's hung up on something I shouldn't be.
Ive never been like this.....I guess thats what's perplexing me. I don't know if working out as often as I do has had an influence over certain areas of my life. I guess I have to think that it has.

Thanks

 

[notsobig32]

Your right....without a doubt. I don't think it would really be right to bring that up. She acknowledges that she's put on weight and has been working out in her home to take some of it off. I guess I feel cornered cause I don't feel like we can even talk about it, without it becoming a heated debate. Thats the part I don't like.

.....We talked last night and I told her I thought she looked different when we met and I left it at that. It's not worth geting into it this soon, nor do I want to lose the potential. She's a great person,,,it's me who's hung up on something I shouldn't be.
Ive never been like this.....I guess thats what's perplexing me. I don't know if working out as often as I do has had an influence over certain areas of my life. I guess I have to think that it has.

Thanks

Ok, so here is my 2 cents. Instead of bringing her weight up to her, why not bring up how important being fit is to you. In addition to bringing it up, maybe ask her if she would be interested in training with you. It is an awesome time training with someone you are into. My wife and i train together and i definitely think it brings people closer together.

I do think it is too early in to bring her weight up BUT if it bothers you then you really need to evaluate it before going to far with this. It is obviously something that is important to you and if you were married to her, then my answer would be completely different. You aren't married to her thus, it is going to play a huge role in how successful your relationship is.

like i said this is just my humble opinion.

 

[FordTurboDiesel]

Point taken and I agree with all you guys.

Im sure she knows how important it is to me. We talk about the gym and working out. I guess I feel like shit cause we can't talk about, "that".....like it's some horrible thing.

That's me though...I can't expect other people to think the same way I do on everything.

(goes without saying)

Thanks.

 

[pesty4077]

Point taken and I agree with all you guys.

Im sure she knows how important it is to me. We talk about the gym and working out. I guess I feel like shit cause we can't talk about, "that".....like it's some horrible thing.

That's me though...I can't expect other people to think the same way I do on everything.

(goes without saying)

Thanks.

If she just wants to be fat, are you going to love her the same. The point I am making, is that is something that bothers you from the beginning. Would if she tells you that she likes the way she looks, will that bother you. Don't try to change her, she has to do that, or she will quit later or resent you. If you love her and don't mind her weight, go for it. If it bothers you date a thinner girl. Remember, LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL.

 

[FordTurboDiesel]

Your right. It's something I am struggling with, and it shouldn't matter.

Love hasn't even played it's hand yet so I can't realistically go there.

 

[Pekkerwood]

This issue has potential to manifest itself in other ways. Example: I have a friend (me) who goes to the gym 5 or 6 days a week and does not miss. He even goes when on vacation. My friends girlfriend (mine) does not go even though my pekkerwood friend pays an extra $70 or $80 a month for a "family membership". Where the problem lies: Work leaves little free time. Close to 20% of "my friends" free time is spent in the gym. It makes my "friend" comfortable and where he feels at home. My "friend" fought this battle fiercely so it is not brought up to "don't go today" etc, but it was a struggle.

This can be an important lifestyle difference. My "friend" has got his worked out, but could easily see it going the other way.

 

[FordTurboDiesel]

Hmm. I think I get where your going. eh..I think.

I don't think she has a problem working out. I think she's had some shit happen to her in the past that has persuaded her to become lax about things.

Either way, it's her choice. I have my preference, but I guess it's coming down to how much value am I willing to put into things and what I am willing to compromise with.
I guess what I saw in the pictures and what weight she said she's put on differs from the REAL person. Things were slightly exaggerated. Not majorly, but enough that the appearance was different.

Seems like when she brings up the little weight she put on is ok. If I get into it though....it's a huge No, No...I'd automatically be putting her down.

 

[Amazon Doll]

There are 2 things that are bugging you.

1. She is overweight and you don't know if it is permanent or temporary, you wonder if this is who she will always be and if you are going to get stuck with a plump gal.

2. She is emotionally needy by asking too many questions about "how you feel" and you wonder if she will always be this way and you will get stuck with pandering to her need to "talk about things"

If I were you, these would be 2 big red flags to me and I would be pulling back. You have to decide if these are traits you want to live with.

 

[Incoldestblood]

Here's the issues I have with this:

Note - I'm not discounting any type of connection you guys have had, far from it, but I wanna lay some facts on you.

1. I hate to say it, but she was deceitful and fraudulent in how she represented herself. Girls do it online, they will use old pics, or pics with her and a bunch of friends, or in rare cases, flat out lie. She liked you and was willing to use the relative anonymity of the internet to her advantage.

2. Don't bring up working out, or getting fit. Girls are stuck in their ways and often are very comfortable and secure in their habits. It's nice to be idealistic and think everyone feels the way you do, but you gotta distance feelings from the stark reality.

Conclusions? After a month and a half, you just gotta take it or leave it.

 

[FordTurboDiesel]

Good Posts.

I appreciate all the replies.

 

[JETHRO TULL]

I'll shoot it to you straight!

She's fat. You know it and obviously she knows it. If you are into this lifestyle...and I assume you are...it's a big part of your life.

I personally am not sexually attracted to an over weight person...male or female. I have great friends who are fat, but I am not going to have sex with them either.

I think it's a respect thing as well. I like to eat, but I don't want my girlfriend to have to be with a big fat bastard. Not fair. I think you are setting yourself up for trouble in the future. I also don't like it when people bullshit me. Like some jackass who says they bench 500 pounds when they don't.

I think she bullshitted you.

Find someone who fits your life. Trust me, been there.

 

[FordTurboDiesel]

WELL.....lol...

I agree with everyone here....and I am still struggling a little with this, but not so bad as I was. We've both agreed that things could go either way and could at the very least part as friends if things didn't pan out.

When we started talking she stated she was heavier than what she likes. I am not saying it's right, but I think for most women it's hard to state the, "obvious". I just think that when we initially talked about it, she didn't feel comfortable coming out with the whole truth. (ok...Im maybe making an small excuse here, but people are people)

I know she wants to lose weight and she was more honest with me last night about what she wants to lose which is more inline with my thinking. I was more relieved that I didn't have to bring it up. It shows me she does recognize it. I also factor in she's had some rough shit going on where she really DOESN'T have the time to dedicate to it. So...I guess, "Life" happens. With that said...I did tell her there were NO excuses. If you wanted to lose the weight, you make time. She agreed. SO at this point, Im not pushing the issue with her, I am waiting to see what she does. Perhaps having someone like me in her life will motivate her. She used to be very athletic so I am hoping that this isn't a temporary thing....I hoping I just caught her in a low point.

.....eh....I guess I am saying that given the background on her I know about and the person that she is, I have decided I want to continue on our path and see where it leads. It may lead no where....It may lead somewhere, but I don't want to throw my hands up when I see someone who'd like to make a change.
We're not talking marriage.....

 

[FordTurboDiesel]

Figured I would close this thread out.

Last night we parted ways. I hope to retain a friendship as she has grown to be an important person to me. Things just didn't take off romantically for me and there were some things I just can't get over. Nothing SUPER bad, just stuff that was really nagging at me.

I don't thin she's too happy with me as I know she was hoping this would lead to much more, but we have 2 completely different outlooks on how a relationship should be allowed to function.


SO, with that said. Thanks everyone for letting me talk about this and for giving me your advice.