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Dating someone who still griefs her past

Zarati

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I met a woman who left her ex and family after 17 years of marriage, she was over him years before the divorce but she stayed for the kids.

I dated her right after she was separated. Two years later, she says she still grieves her family. She is honest with me, she says she loves her ex still but not in love like a brotherly love, he was not good for her and their marriage was toxic but she still grieves because she broke the family apart and left her kids. She gets her kids a few times a week but still grieves when she doesn't have them.


What's the situation here? Is she actually not over her ex? It seems like once our honeymoon phase is coming to an end grieving is getting worse?
I've never had a family like that to understand her, is this normal? I understand the loving someone but not being in love with them as I and my ex broke up after 5 years, I still love her too but not in love and know we weren't a match for each other but I've accepted and moved on
 

PhillD

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I do not know the situation but I can only say that feelings and emotions do not disappear in one day with a swipe of the sponge.
17 years of marriage is a lifetime.
it will go on until the end of his days.
it's up to you to figure out if the situation will suit you or not.
 

buck

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After a 10 year marriage/relationship, no kids it took me 2 years before i was really ready to move forward in a heathy manner. Long term commitment takes time to get past. And those that say they are over it in a short time are people i worry about more. Until a person looks nto themselves and a starts to work on what happened and what their part was and how they are going to change i find they really don't move forward and get better.
 

OuchThatHurts

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I met a woman who left her ex and family after 17 years of marriage, she was over him years before the divorce but she stayed for the kids.

I dated her right after she was separated. Two years later, she says she still grieves her family. She is honest with me, she says she loves her ex still but not in love like a brotherly love, he was not good for her and their marriage was toxic but she still grieves because she broke the family apart and left her kids. She gets her kids a few times a week but still grieves when she doesn't have them.


What's the situation here? Is she actually not over her ex? It seems like once our honeymoon phase is coming to an end grieving is getting worse?
I've never had a family like that to understand her, is this normal? I understand the loving someone but not being in love with them as I and my ex broke up after 5 years, I still love her too but not in love and know we weren't a match for each other but I've accepted and moved on
Over him? Well, she can say that but.... I'd say she's probably not far off being only 2 years out from a 17-year relationship. Be careful though. That much history brings a lot of old ties with it.
 

Zarati

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Over him? Well, she can say that but.... I'd say she's probably not far off being only 2 years out from a 17-year relationship. Be careful though. That much history brings a lot of old ties with it.
She is the one that left, she said she was over him years before leaving him and says their whole relationship was just toxic. Lots of emotional abuse. She couldn't handle him anymore and called it quits.

Still need to be cautious? They're still in contact because of the kids, there's no way around that. And I'm not intimidated by him honestly
 

OuchThatHurts

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She is the one that left, she said she was over him years before leaving him and says their whole relationship was just toxic. Lots of emotional abuse. She couldn't handle him anymore and called it quits.

Still need to be cautious? They're still in contact because of the kids, there's no way around that. And I'm not intimidated by him honestly
Yes, still be cautious. If she says she still loves him, believe her. For example, let's say the two of you hit a rough patch. Does she gravitate back to her old life? (which she's mourning the loss of)

But be hopeful, too. We can't control the future. She's probably past it but I'm just saying keep an ear to the ground. Keep communication lines open. Sounds like you are.
 

Zarati

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Yes, still be cautious. If she says she still loves him, believe her. For example, let's say the two of you hit a rough patch. Does she gravitate back to her old life? (which she's mourning the loss of)

But be hopeful, too. We can't control the future. She's probably past it but I'm just saying keep an ear to the ground. Keep communication lines open. Sounds like you are.

A few minutes ago I asked her in a calm way if she'd like to go back to her family and give it another chance and I'll be happy if that's what would make her happy.

She freaked out and askef if I'm looking for a way out, asked if I love her and how I could say that to her if I really love her. I told her I love her but and want her to be happy

She said no, she'd never ever go back to that life or she would have when he was begging her to come back. And she said has no attraction towards him, and even if she wasn't dating me, she'd be single and not back with her family
 

OuchThatHurts

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Alrighty...
 

juggy38

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Look at totality……she probably grieves Saturday morning breakfasts with the whole house, her favorite chair, the dogs. The safety of her husband……you don’t stay with someone 17 years and not love them deeply.

She probably wants to move on, she probably loves you just as much or more.

That’s just a lot of trauma to unpack. A divorce can be just as bad or worse trauma than a death.

As @OuchThatHurts said, eyes and ears open, but be a good partner, supportive….cautiously….

TALK about it openly. Bring it up. Let her tell you how she feels, or you’ll toss and turn at night worrying. They breeds paranoia and resentment
 

Cerberus777

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She's grieving the Idea of a good family. The potential of a good husband she thought he could be, that's what she was holding on to for so long. She probably loves this idea of a man, and coming to terms with the fact he never will be that. Not having your kids is depressing when you split even for good reasons. There's no rationalization that you can do, when you're not part of their lives.
 

champ00

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I was married almost 23 years it took me about a year to say why stay alone move on see what lays ahead
If one lives in the past and can’t get over it then leave that person to its own destiny
In time basically in everyone’s time is when they feel they are ready
If one finds that type of person and you know they haven’t let go then what good does it do for that person to try and change that person when they aren’t ready
All you do is loose time in place when everyday that passes you is a day closer to death
Live happy live in the moment because you can’t get that time back
 

Muay Thai

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A few minutes ago I asked her in a calm way if she'd like to go back to her family and give it another chance and I'll be happy if that's what would make her happy.

She freaked out and askef if I'm looking for a way out, asked if I love her and how I could say that to her if I really love her. I told her I love her but and want her to be happy

She said no, she'd never ever go back to that life or she would have when he was begging her to come back. And she said has no attraction towards him, and even if she wasn't dating me, she'd be single and not back with her family
tbh bro, her responses really ring a bell here. What your ex says is how I feel rn. , and i still miss my ex, and think about her, and think about going back with her, even know she was toxic af and granted it's only been since oct 10 when I stopped talking to her. But we kinda stopped seeing each other in late AUG. It was toxic for a LONG TIME TOO. I am in a new relationship now and the girl is wonderful and amazing and is everything I have ever wanted in a partner, so I guilt trip myself when I think about my ex, whom i was with for 2 years, no kids but we were closer than close and lived together. It was more of a trauma bond, and my ego was in love with the idea of being with a girl so beautiful as her. The girl I am with now is equally as beautiful. She treats me like a king. she is independent. she is a direct contrast to the last one. I think we hang on to the idea of what that person could have been a lot like the dude above mentioned. It is not fair for us to harbor these feelings while entertaining someone else, and it robs you of today's peace, today's miracles, and today's memories. she needs to be grateful to god/universe/whatever she believes in, that it/he/the granted her someone as awesome as you. And another chance at LOVE! like OTH said, be weary, and believe her when she says these things, I would believe her less when she becomes defensive and asks you if you are looking for a way out. I hate to play devil's advocate but most people go back to what is familiar during rough patches, not just habit-wise, but relationship-wise (exs). I recommend she gets a psychologist and does some deep self-introspection and work. The grass IS NOT greener on the other side more often than not. She needs to realize this. People come into our lives to help us do shadow work (work on our dark side). We can love many times. I have loved more than a few girlfriends, more than a few! Make some NEW memories with her that do not echo her previous experiences, be it whatever it may be. wish you the best my friend. lastly, many of us tell our new partners we were the ones that left and were dissatisfied. this is NOT ALWAYS THE CASE, but a way to deflect any doubt coming from our current partner that we harbor feelings for the old , or may go back in stormy water.s
 

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