Dealing with and overcoming jealousy

[OuchThatHurts]

You have to look at you, her, and you and her together. What can you do better? What can she do better? What can you both do to better your relationship?

Once you are secure in those three things (YOU, her, and your relationship), jealousy will disappear.

All I hear now is doubt, lack of communication, and insecurity. Those are some big relationship killers right there so be cautious.

Like I said before.

 

[Frank-Oh]

How goes things Frank-Oh?

I know just how hard all of this can be and I want you to know that I've been keeping you in my prayers. Everyone has fears in life and she has her own set as well...whether she wants to own it or not. You have taken ownership of yours, however, and I think it will help you more than you know.

To me it sort of sounds like you guys are having trouble communicating? I want you to always keep this in your mind. "Do the unexpected."
If I were in your shoes, and I really wanted to get somewhere with this then I would find a moment when the two of you can talk and then I would open up to her and expose yourself about your fear. Sit her down and tell her that you are trying to work on facing your fears and that one big fear you have is that she will leave you for another man. Tell her that you feel you feel bad for whatever it is that you feel you've not done the best job at. How you treat her or your children or whatever you feel most guilty about. Just totally expose yourself. By doing this you will not only overcome this fear, but you are inviting her to open up to you and expose her fear as well. You've gotta do this when you have 100% of her attention. So put the kids to bed first.
You don't have to say the right words either. You might start out by saying, I have something I want to talk to you about but I'm not quite sure how to say it. The important thing is that you are opening up and reaching out to her and that your trying. She may not want to own up to her fear of you cheating on her again...which is fine. Don't put pressure on her. If she doesn't have much to say, then just tell her you wanted to get this off your chest and let it sit with her for a while.
I think your totally right in that you want your children to have a role model like your wife. You want them to take some of your good as well though...and I know there is a lot of good inside of you to give them. So start there and see what happens. I will pray for you and keep you in my prayers throughout the week.
There may also be some other insecurities, but those can be worked out with time.
Good luck! God Speed!

Thank you..

Like I said before.

I know I know..

Since everyone agrees what my two primary issues are.. I just have to say it's very hard for me to communicate with her. Everything I say, now matter how, is always wrong. As in I say it wrong, i'm offensive, or she thinks i'm wrong, or she just plain refuses to listen because I won't listen to her first. It sucks when you go to talk to someone, tension is there, nobody has said shit....then you figure I'll speak my part, let her do the same, go from there..and as soon as you open your mouth you get a hail storm of bullshit.. And she is so emotional about it, I actually feel sometimes that I should take the blame..or apologize for her misunderstandings..

I'd rather make things work, that's what frustrates me most.. After we get into it, the whole time the shits flying off the fan I'm saying to myself "fuck I hate this, I never want to see her again!" then as soon as she shuts up my mind races "why can't we just work, why can't we be cool all the time, who cares if we have difference of opinions, why does every little thing have to be such a huge issue..why can we just work it out"..

I dunno I think she is very insecure, lately she is talking about getting a boob job and a little lipo removed from her lower back and added to her ass for more slope and hump.. She says it's for me.. But if I comment on the size of an ass (im an ass man, but she points em out more than I notice em!) it's like "you want to fuck her".. I'm a bit of a dick so my response is along the lines of "no, but now that you just put the idea in my head it probably wouldn't be something I'd turn down" or some other smart ass comment. The only possible reason I can think of her wanting to get work done like that is for more attention. I mean, her ass aint small, and even when she was a big girl during her post pregnancy days dudes would holler..big ol pair of rings on the finger and all. She is a very sexy and unique looking girl, so whatever people are going to look, probably even try to initiate communication.. But what does she need to tell me she wants surgery for, and say it's for me.. I see her as a certain type of person, but she likes to play dumb.. I know how she can be, we've almost divorced a few times and that can bring out the worst in a person.. I've learned when it comes to matters with women, i'm a big pussy.

 

[bigshadow]

Now Frank-Oh you have admitted another fear...communicating with your wife bc shit always hits the fan. Its healthy to identify these things and talk to someone about it and this is one more thing to talk to your wife about. What if you say the wrong thing and she gets so mad that she leaves? Man I think a lot of people can relate to that. This should be something the two of you also talk about. Tell her that Love her very much, but sometimes you say the wrong things and that you are afraid to talk to her for fear of accidently saying the wrong thing. I don't think its best to point any finger at her with this talk. Just talk to her about your own struggles. You will become less afraid in the future by doing so.
As for her enhancements...yes...I think most women look to surgeries like this to give them more self confidence, etc... She may be very insecure about her body...and some of those comments about other women will hit her very deep. She may be joking when she makes the comment, but its really sounding like she is very insecure with her appearance. We can't all look like 18 year olds the rest of our lives. So I'd be cautious about any jokes of her body...even if she invites you to laugh at her body with her...
Somehow you must get across to her how that your love for her is much deeper than skin deep. Maybe compliment her on what a good Mom she is or what a good cook she is or whatever it is that you are always impressed by...
Keep us updated!

 

[Frank-Oh]

Now Frank-Oh you have admitted another fear...communicating with your wife bc shit always hits the fan. Its healthy to identify these things and talk to someone about it and this is one more thing to talk to your wife about. What if you say the wrong thing and she gets so mad that she leaves? Man I think a lot of people can relate to that. This should be something the two of you also talk about. Tell her that Love her very much, but sometimes you say the wrong things and that you are afraid to talk to her for fear of accidently saying the wrong thing. I don't think its best to point any finger at her with this talk. Just talk to her about your own struggles. You will become less afraid in the future by doing so.
As for her enhancements...yes...I think most women look to surgeries like this to give them more self confidence, etc... She may be very insecure about her body...and some of those comments about other women will hit her very deep. She may be joking when she makes the comment, but its really sounding like she is very insecure with her appearance. We can't all look like 18 year olds the rest of our lives. So I'd be cautious about any jokes of her body...even if she invites you to laugh at her body with her...
Somehow you must get across to her how that your love for her is much deeper than skin deep. Maybe compliment her on what a good Mom she is or what a good cook she is or whatever it is that you are always impressed by...
Keep us updated!

That's all I can do, compliment her on everything but her figure. If I go there she makes a dumb comment, or cuts me off by saying some negative shit.. I'm super sarcastic, I don't hold my tongue so I've learned a lot of self control and thinking before I speak with her.

Appreciate the advice Shadow, I'll be back..

 

[bigshadow]

One more thing to consider is that it sounds like she may be having trouble with trusting your words. That will take some time to correct...so just be patient and hang in there.
I know how hard all of this is. Most men struggle with the same scenarios and often live their entire married life's somewhat unhappy. They find hobbies like fishing, working on cars, football with the guys, etc... bc sometimes they just can't deal with going home after work. I've been married and divorced. My ex got lip injections bc of her insecurities. She was also extremely controlling. People who can't control themselves often try to control others. I took a lot of verbal abuse. I was never good enough... I lived miserably that way for several years..
None of this is totally your fault. So don't feel that way bc the last thing you need to do is to criticize yourself. I think if you can muszter up the confidence to be completely open with her then she may be more inclined to open up with you. Have you guys thought about getting involved with church or some form of religion? My ex wife didn't want to be involved in church but we did get our children started and going bc of the good values they teach. Just food for thought.