Depressed girlfriend

Regas · Jul 4, 2008

i'm very confused at the moment and don't how to deal with it - my girl is very depressed, at least i think so. we're together for 1.5 years and it seems the problem only worsen. she doesn't want to do anything (she is working part-time as office administrator, when free from work, she just stays at home, in bed, using computer or watching tv, cleaning our flat or so...). if i ask her to go with me to meet some friends of mine, she always refuses. my best friend's wedding will take place in 3 weeks and she refuses to go there also - she doesn't like being with and talking to people as she explains to me... i can't understand this. ok i don't like meeting new people a lot either but not to such an extent, that i start crying if i am asked to go meet someone... also if i ask her to go to eat somewhere she doesnt want to.. in fact only thing that she wants to do is to go for a walk, go for some sightseeing or so and cinema(very rare)/theater. she doesnt really have any hobbies i guess. also she has a very low self esteem (obvious). well i dont want to be selfish and force her to do things, but well im at deadend now.. dont know what to do. dont know if i want to live my life like this.. thing is i love her and she has so many great qualities.. she'll be an excellent mother to our children.. she thinks her behaviour is normal (ok, people are different) and doesn't want to change anything
guys please give me some advice how to help her get over herself and her depression...

B1gJ1m · Jul 4, 2008

Has her behavior changed since you first met her? Is it possible she is more of a "homebody" and prefers to stay in and away from people? Obviously you know her better than anyone on this board, but there are some very serious issues with depression. Is she suffering or complaining from any physical aches or pains? Sometimes, severe depression will also have physical conditions too. I think the main thing is listen to her very closely, and continue monitor her behavior for any further adverse changes. Unfortunately, as you probably well know, it's pretty tough to help someone that doesn't believe they need the help. Have you suggested that she seek some professional advice and just talk to someone about any issues she may have? It's a tough thing to do for both of you, but it may be the first step in recovery. Hope this helps.

Regas · Jul 4, 2008

thanks for advices B1gJ1m

well she thinks it's normal to behave this way.
and no, she doesnt feel any pain. she wont go to pros for help, no way - asked about it. well we were going a lot more at the start of relationship, though we like to be at home, its getting to extremes atm.
today we talked a lot, i persuaded her to read one book, jack canfield's 'success principles' - i've read it and it made me change my outlook of life so i'll give it a try as it's a great book to make one think a bit about it's life and get some motivation to act. though i have no idea how to raise her self-esteem...

OuchThatHurts · Jul 4, 2008

Regas said:
i'm very confused at the moment and don't how to deal with it - my girl is very depressed, at least i think so. we're together for 1.5 years and it seems the problem only worsen. she doesn't want to do anything (she is working part-time as office administrator, when free from work, she just stays at home, in bed, using computer or watching tv, cleaning our flat or so...). if i ask her to go with me to meet some friends of mine, she always refuses. my best friend's wedding will take place in 3 weeks and she refuses to go there also - she doesn't like being with and talking to people as she explains to me... i can't understand this. ok i don't like meeting new people a lot either but not to such an extent, that i start crying if i am asked to go meet someone... also if i ask her to go to eat somewhere she doesnt want to.. in fact only thing that she wants to do is to go for a walk, go for some sightseeing or so and cinema(very rare)/theater. she doesnt really have any hobbies i guess. also she has a very low self esteem (obvious). well i dont want to be selfish and force her to do things, but well im at deadend now.. dont know what to do. dont know if i want to live my life like this.. thing is i love her and she has so many great qualities.. she'll be an excellent mother to our children.. she thinks her behaviour is normal (ok, people are different) and doesn't want to change anything
guys please give me some advice how to help her get over herself and her depression...

How do you know she's depressed? Sometimes people recoil at the idea of someone trying to change them and maybe she feels like she's being forced to do something that she's not comfortable with. Then she just gets scared, which only makes things worse. People have different personalities.

Maybe you should see someone together and express both sides. Maybe she has low self-esteem, maybe she has even more problems. Maybe nothing.

In any case, I'm more interested in the concerned boyfriend. Are you willing to work through this? It can take a lot of time and certainly a lot of effort to get past something like this. You may have to settle for a lifestyle different than what you intended for yourself. Do you love her enough to do that with her? Be patient and considerate?

If there is something wrong, you can't fix it yourself. All you can do is stand by her. Sounds like you have a nice girl there. The question is how far are YOU willing to go?

Physick · Jul 4, 2008

Sorry if somebody else suggested this already but it sounds like she might have a bit of social anxiety disorder. If she does, it can cause such great stress and feelings of panic about situations she knows she shouldn't be afraid of that it could actually cause symptoms of depression to appear.

OuchThatHurts · Jul 5, 2008

Physick said:
Sorry if somebody else suggested this already but it sounds like she might have a bit of social anxiety disorder. If she does, it can cause such great stress and feelings of panic about situations she knows she shouldn't be afraid of that it could actually cause symptoms of depression to appear.

That is very true Physick,

And very well may be the case. However, we cannot come to such a conclusion based on a boyfriend's perception/account. We would be very irresponsible in doing so. We should be very careful not to try to pin a diagnosis to an individual that may very well be perfectly healthy and maybe just a reclusive personality type. You find this very often among those that are artistic, either by nature or by trade and well as many other groups.

This is all the more reason why if it's suspected that there is some form of mental illness involved (e.g. clinical depression, SAD, etc.) he should encourage a joint session with a professional. She may think she's fine.

And then there's other strange things about this post that make me wonder like, "she'll be an excellent mother". Excellent mothers aren't usually thought of as hobbyless, depressed, social phobics - see what I'm getting at?

oldfella · Jul 5, 2008

Just a suggestion here. Try to get her out of the house in a non social setting. like going somewhere nice for a walk or picnic. Not so much around people but out of the house. Do simple things at first and see how she reacts to this. Make sure you pay her the attention most women would like. A nice compliment goes a long way to boosting self esteem. If out in the great outdoors, look at her and tell her she looks really beautiful in the outdoor light. Go for a hike and get the heart rate going, stimulate her senses with interesting things, go to a botnaical garden for a walk, everyone loves flowers and plants, take a camera, get some really great shots of her and sit down and view them together. Make her laugh and laugh with her. All these things you can do without involving others. It might be a start in the right direction. But most of all be understanding and patient. This is what she needs most!

Physick · Jul 5, 2008

OuchThatHurts said:
That is very true Physick,

And very well may be the case. However, we cannot come to such a conclusion based on a boyfriend's perception/account. We would be very irresponsible in doing so. We should be very careful not to try to pin a diagnosis to an individual that may very well be perfectly healthy and maybe just a reclusive personality type. You find this very often among those that are artistic, either by nature or by trade and well as many other groups.

This is all the more reason why if it's suspected that there is some form of mental illness involved (e.g. clinical depression, SAD, etc.) he should encourage a joint session with a professional. She may think she's fine.

And then there's other strange things about this post that make me wonder like, "she'll be an excellent mother". Excellent mothers aren't usually thought of as hobbyless, depressed, social phobics - see what I'm getting at?

Oh yeah I get what you're saying Ouch. I wasn't trying to diagnose her as I'm not qualified to do so. Just kind of what it sounded like to me. I completely agree that professional help should be sought in situations like this.

Designbuilt · Jul 5, 2008

Just tell her to snap out of it dammit!

Nah, I'm just kidding, my wife was hospitalized for attempting suicide 2 times during her previous marriage. She was put on medication and was even told by her doc at the time that she wouldn't be able to have children because of these meds. She was on Asendin (not sure how it's spelled) , Prozac, Paxil and a few others.

I found all of this out, when I was going through depression myself. I had drinking problems (Chronic), I was using a lot of rec. drugs, stopped working out for 7 years, (I used to compete, so it was major for me to just quit) and I smoked like a chimney. My work was going ok, but I was in a very stressful situation daily, when work would go bad, I would lose it and take it very hard.

I almost had a complete breakdown, I tried to be strong and snap out of it.
I checked into a hotel out of town for a few days, just took a few phone calls, drank and made plans.

What helped was, talking to my wife, she understood how I felt, she said that people who don't go through depression think that you can just snap out of it, and that it's something just in your head (no pun intended) But in some cases it can be a chemical imbalance or other major problems that need to be addressed before something serious happends.

What changed my life completely around was that I stopped smoking and drinking, I prayed daily, I started working out again, cleaned up my diet. My wife became pregnant with our son who just turned 11 months. I moved into a new home and now I'm always pretty happy, instead of praying for help, I pray to give thanks. It starts with talking and understanding, but you should really need to get her help fast, especially if there is no underlying cause, like stress, drinking or drugs, if she is depressed for no real reason, it can be an imbalance, especially if she has anxiety to such an extent with no aparent cause.

Hope this helped at least a little.

DB

OuchThatHurts · Jul 5, 2008

Physick said:
Oh yeah I get what you're saying Ouch. I wasn't trying to diagnose her as I'm not qualified to do so. Just kind of what it sounded like to me. I completely agree that professional help should be sought in situations like this.

It's likely that you are correct in your post. No need at all to explain. Oldgeezer (oops, I mean oldfella) has the right idea. It's important sometimes to assume that the person is perfectly healthy and just in need of some special love and tenderness than to just assume that they have a mental disorder of some sort. This is the way of society today. Kids aren't "dreamers" anymore, they're "attention impaired". A child who used to be "a ball of fire" is now hyperactive. It's sad really. There are so many out there today being medicated for issues that could be solved with just the smallest amount of nurturing.

But, if we are going to look at people that way - which is to say, that any behavior deemed as "abnormal" should be treated, then we all have "special needs". I know I do! Ask any of my former girlfriends! Hell, ask my mother!

Physick · Jul 5, 2008

OuchThatHurts said:
It's likely that you are correct in your post. No need at all to explain. Oldgeezer (oops, I mean oldfella) has the right idea. It's important sometimes to assume that the person is perfectly healthy and just in need of some special love and tenderness than to just assume that they have a mental disorder of some sort. This is the way of society today. Kids aren't "dreamers" anymore, they're "attention impaired". A child who used to be "a ball of fire" is now hyperactive. It's sad really. There are so many out there today being medicated for issues that could be solved with just the smallest amount of nurturing.

But, if we are going to look at people that way - which is to say, that any behavior deemed as "abnormal" should be treated, then we all have "special needs". I know I do! Ask any of my former girlfriends! Hell, ask my mother!

The PC terms they have for everything these days crack me up. I can't keep up with them. I'm not old by any means but I remember the days when you could call someone what they were and not have to have a Phd just to describe someone with a disability. The late George Carlin has an awesome routine on it.

To the poster, I hope that you can work things out with your gf and get her the help she needs if it's decided that she does need professional help. As someone who has dealt (and deals) with small bouts of depression and social anxiety disorder (maybe it's just that everyday there is more douchebags around) I know how it feels and I really hope you are able to turn things around and make it better.

Regas · Jul 15, 2008

OuchThatHurts said:
How do you know she's depressed? Sometimes people recoil at the idea of someone trying to change them and maybe she feels like she's being forced to do something that she's not comfortable with. Then she just gets scared, which only makes things worse. People have different personalities.

Maybe you should see someone together and express both sides. Maybe she has low self-esteem, maybe she has even more problems. Maybe nothing.

In any case, I'm more interested in the concerned boyfriend. Are you willing to work through this? It can take a lot of time and certainly a lot of effort to get past something like this. You may have to settle for a lifestyle different than what you intended for yourself. Do you love her enough to do that with her? Be patient and considerate?

If there is something wrong, you can't fix it yourself. All you can do is stand by her. Sounds like you have a nice girl there. The question is how far are YOU willing to go?

Well, I love her and I am and will try to help her raise the self-esteem she badly needs. I encourage her everytime, now she's changing jobs. At first she didn't want to go to job interview, though i persuaded and asked her nicely, so I don't know maybe the new job will make her believe in herself a bit more...
She's certainly not comfortable with going to the wedding (<insert any meeting with unknown people>), she doesnt like interacting with other people, because it's just not interesting to her. Though I think this comes from the low self-esteem.. maybe I'm wrong. If I ask 'could you do it for me, we can't do everything we like and run away from things that we don't like' then she starts crying and talking she really really doesnt want to go.. Well I accepted that I'll go to this wedding alone, but dunno if such thing happens again in the future, I don't know.. I dont want to force her do anything, like I dont want her to force me do anything, though I perfectly understand, that I must do things I dont like doing.
maybe I was too fast calling this depression, dunno.. strange problem and I dont know the solution to it.

Regas · Jul 15, 2008

oldfella said:
Just a suggestion here. Try to get her out of the house in a non social setting. like going somewhere nice for a walk or picnic. Not so much around people but out of the house. Do simple things at first and see how she reacts to this. Make sure you pay her the attention most women would like. A nice compliment goes a long way to boosting self esteem. If out in the great outdoors, look at her and tell her she looks really beautiful in the outdoor light. Go for a hike and get the heart rate going, stimulate her senses with interesting things, go to a botnaical garden for a walk, everyone loves flowers and plants, take a camera, get some really great shots of her and sit down and view them together. Make her laugh and laugh with her. All these things you can do without involving others. It might be a start in the right direction. But most of all be understanding and patient. This is what she needs most!

we went to the seaside and regional nature park for some sightseeing and to relax, well it was great, she was really happy, everything went perfect

Regas · Jul 15, 2008

Designbuilt said:
Just tell her to snap out of it dammit!

Nah, I'm just kidding, my wife was hospitalized for attempting suicide 2 times during her previous marriage. She was put on medication and was even told by her doc at the time that she wouldn't be able to have children because of these meds. She was on Asendin (not sure how it's spelled) , Prozac, Paxil and a few others.

I found all of this out, when I was going through depression myself. I had drinking problems (Chronic), I was using a lot of rec. drugs, stopped working out for 7 years, (I used to compete, so it was major for me to just quit) and I smoked like a chimney. My work was going ok, but I was in a very stressful situation daily, when work would go bad, I would lose it and take it very hard.

I almost had a complete breakdown, I tried to be strong and snap out of it.
I checked into a hotel out of town for a few days, just took a few phone calls, drank and made plans.

What helped was, talking to my wife, she understood how I felt, she said that people who don't go through depression think that you can just snap out of it, and that it's something just in your head (no pun intended) But in some cases it can be a chemical imbalance or other major problems that need to be addressed before something serious happends.

What changed my life completely around was that I stopped smoking and drinking, I prayed daily, I started working out again, cleaned up my diet. My wife became pregnant with our son who just turned 11 months. I moved into a new home and now I'm always pretty happy, instead of praying for help, I pray to give thanks. It starts with talking and understanding, but you should really need to get her help fast, especially if there is no underlying cause, like stress, drinking or drugs, if she is depressed for no real reason, it can be an imbalance, especially if she has anxiety to such an extent with no aparent cause.

Hope this helped at least a little.

DB

great to hear that you got your life back on track again and thanks for advice!

Regas · Jul 15, 2008

Physick said:
The PC terms they have for everything these days crack me up. I can't keep up with them. I'm not old by any means but I remember the days when you could call someone what they were and not have to have a Phd just to describe someone with a disability. The late George Carlin has an awesome routine on it.

To the poster, I hope that you can work things out with your gf and get her the help she needs if it's decided that she does need professional help. As someone who has dealt (and deals) with small bouts of depression and social anxiety disorder (maybe it's just that everyday there is more douchebags around) I know how it feels and I really hope you are able to turn things around and make it better.

thanks for good words

i'll do my best

oldfella · Jul 15, 2008

Regas said:
we went to the seaside and regional nature park for some sightseeing and to relax, well it was great, she was really happy, everything went perfect

AH well that is good and is a start. Just slowly start to introducxe this sort of thing into your lives. Hey it was probably good for you as well!

HAHAHAHA who needs Dr. C..ouch, oops I mean Ouch! (I had an oppourtunity so I thought I'd get one in)

OuchThatHurts · Jul 17, 2008

Regas said:
we went to the seaside and regional nature park for some sightseeing and to relax, well it was great, she was really happy, everything went perfect

Sounds like you just need to find the stuff she likes to do there stud boy.

What about all that depression, low self-esteem business?

Hey oldfella! Even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut! After that last post of yours, I'd like you to take me out!

oldfella · Jul 21, 2008

OuchThatHurts said:
Sounds like you just need to find the stuff she likes to do there stud boy.

What about all that depression, low self-esteem business?

Hey oldfella! Even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut! After that last post of yours, I'd like you to take me out!

Are you propositioning me? LOL, or are you waiting for me to ask? Cause if you're waiting for me to ask your shit is going to turn blue and fall off before that happens! LOL

You know I love ya bro!!!

OuchThatHurts · Jul 21, 2008

oldfella said:
[/B]Are you propositioning me? LOL, or are you waiting for me to ask? Cause if you're waiting for me to ask your shit is going to turn blue and fall off before that happens! LOL

You know I love ya bro!!!

I guess I'll just have to find someone else to take me on long walks and out for picnics.