Divorce and forced to leave....

zephyr22 · Mar 19, 2009

Well not a good thing....

Well my stepson has been aware that "something" was going on. Children know when something isnt right. Anyway I run out last night to get some hardware for doing a brake job on my car. I get back and my wife looks like shes been crying. Anyway I got my stepson some KFC ( i was tired and didnt feel like cooking) after working on the brakes. Anyway he looks like hes been crying also. He takes two bites and says " my stomach hurts, i cant eat". This has been happening a lot lately with stomach aches, headaches etc....and I know it is all related to whats going on. Anyway my wife said she told him we were getting a divorce. I said I thought we planned on talking to him together. She said he asked her straight up. Anyway now im pissed because she took it upon herself to tell him. I took her downstairs and said to her that she was an evil bitch. I told her that I hope she was happy for putting us through all this. You, see this all stems from a insecure wife, because she thinks many years ago I cheated on her. Which was not true at all. We went to counselling etc....for a while to discuss it etc...it seemed like it was better but I guess not. A freind of mine that I had not seen in years basically told me he saw my old fiance. Now mind you fiance from like 13 yrs ago. And that she was married etc.....And so she told me buddy that she had a myspace account and that all us guys from our graduating class should stay in touch. Anyways so I look up her name on the myspace account etc....Anyways little known to me my wife has some program downloaded on the computer that shows exactly where Ive been takes down all my passwords etc...... This is why she thinks Im a cheater which is so damn far from the truth. Ive explained this multiple times. She just said "thats exactly why I dont trust you, and now for sure I never would". I mean come on ruin a marriage over something this silly. I told her " boy you really taught me a lesson, sheeesh all you did was hurt all of us including your son" . Then I said " i hope your proud of all of this". Her freinds think Im some sort of cheater etc....This is all bullshit. Maybe its an excuse I dont know but its silly as hell to me. Still hurts though.

Gators · Mar 19, 2009

The past is gone and you only have control of the future. I was told this many times and it eventually sunk into my hard head, and it helped dramatically. If you love her and don't want a divorce, then fight for it, many many many times situations like these get worked out and it makes the relationship stronger. I can't tell you much more because only you know the situation, but keep your chin up Bro, try to speak only in love, and when pissed, DON'T SAY IT, let those thoughts pass, cool off, and then speak in wisdom and in love. I'll pray for you and your family.

DatBtrue · Mar 20, 2009

Z the only advise I can give you is this:

You need to to separate your mind from your heart.

The heart will ache, take all the pain and absorb everything...but don't let it make the decisions now. It still loves & is attempting to make sense where there is no sense to be made.

Your mind however knows EXACTLY what is going on. It KNOWS there is no love coming your way and you must force the mind to be extremely rational at this point. Make rational decisions NOW so that you your life down the road doesn't remain shackled to misery.

Yes you need to hire a good advocate (lawyer) to effect a proper cleavage. But make decisions based on the here and now and not based on the past.

Stay strong ...sigh & cry when you need to ...then get back to being resolute.

zephyr22 · Mar 21, 2009

Well I think she is seeing someone....

Well like I said her freinds hate me etc...because they think Im a cheater. Like I said Im not but im sure my wife paints the picture of me being a cheater to them very well. Anyways a freind of hers owns a bar. I know that when we were seperated about 3 years ago that there was this guy that kept trying to hook up with my wife. Now I was unaware of this. I was however told by my wife one night we went out. She pointed him out and said yeah, he was trying to hook up with me when we were apart. Now that pissed me off but I thought im not gonna be a jealous asshole here and I let it go. I know her freind that owns the bar was the one trying to set it up because he was also a part time bartender there to help out. Anyways What leaves me to believe she did something behind my back is because she is very angry at me. This is not her typical behavior. She has been going out a lot "with the girls". I dont know if i believe this or not. Plus this sounds weird but I found a pair of thong underwear in the bottom of the hamper???? My wife hates thong underwear and basically refuses to wear them unless she has to with a skirt or dress etc.....and I havent seen her wearing any dresses?????? What women is gonna wear a pair of red sexy thong underwear unless someone is going to see them??? Maybe im a bit paranoid but I put all this together and it was like I had a gut feeling. The deep down gut feeling like your gonna puke. Man talk about stress. So late last night I call her at 9pm just rings like 10 times then voice mail. I leave a message stating that I wanted to know if she was seeing someone else and if she was to be honest with me and let me know. Anyways I call agian at 10 several times, 11 several times then 12 then she shut her phone off so it went right to voice mail. I called my stepson at 10pm and asked if he could call her and have her call me back. He said he called and it range and range then went to voice mail. To me it seems she was probably with some guy and didnt want me to hear him in the background and also the same for my stepson because he would be pissed too......What to think of this????

Ness · Mar 21, 2009

zephyr22 said:
Well like I said her freinds hate me etc...because they think Im a cheater. Like I said Im not but im sure my wife paints the picture of me being a cheater to them very well. Anyways a freind of hers owns a bar. I know that when we were seperated about 3 years ago that there was this guy that kept trying to hook up with my wife. Now I was unaware of this. I was however told by my wife one night we went out. She pointed him out and said yeah, he was trying to hook up with me when we were apart. Now that pissed me off but I thought im not gonna be a jealous asshole here and I let it go. I know her freind that owns the bar was the one trying to set it up because he was also a part time bartender there to help out. Anyways What leaves me to believe she did something behind my back is because she is very angry at me. This is not her typical behavior. She has been going out a lot "with the girls". I dont know if i believe this or not. Plus this sounds weird but I found a pair of thong underwear in the bottom of the hamper???? My wife hates thong underwear and basically refuses to wear them unless she has to with a skirt or dress etc.....and I havent seen her wearing any dresses?????? What women is gonna wear a pair of red sexy thong underwear unless someone is going to see them??? Maybe im a bit paranoid but I put all this together and it was like I had a gut feeling. The deep down gut feeling like your gonna puke. Man talk about stress. So late last night I call her at 9pm just rings like 10 times then voice mail. I leave a message stating that I wanted to know if she was seeing someone else and if she was to be honest with me and let me know. Anyways I call agian at 10 several times, 11 several times then 12 then she shut her phone off so it went right to voice mail. I called my stepson at 10pm and asked if he could call her and have her call me back. He said he called and it range and range then went to voice mail. To me it seems she was probably with some guy and didnt want me to hear him in the background and also the same for my stepson because he would be pissed too......What to think of this????

I know you're hurting right now and what is happening feels out of control and unfair. However, there is nothing you can do to control this situation besides take care of yourself. It sounds like your wife may be moving on and while this is a big nasty pill to swallow, you cannot do anything about it. Try to move forward in a positive direction. Life is too short to become chained down by being in situation that is outside your grip. Good luck and take care.

zephyr22 · Mar 22, 2009

Well All I know is....

This is painfull. My stepson just sat down last night and he hugged me and we cried. This is just too much. I dont know how much more I can take of this untill I have a damn nervous breakdown. Im not suicidal or anything like that, nor would I hurt anyone etc... but just on major overload. Im going to make a counselling appointment on Monday. I really appreciate all you guys and your kind words. Also I just think it sucks that my wife is trying to state that this is my fault???? Because I am a cheater???? I mean come on. This is a crock, but it also hurts worse to think that maybe this is her reasoning??? I truly hope it is not because it is just not the truth. Again it doesnt matter what her reasoning is but im so willing to work on things. However a relationship is not only one sided, it takes two. I swear if I find out she was cheating on me I will still be very upset.

EVERLAST · Mar 23, 2009

ok.............

my first wife was telling me her dad raped her as we drove down the road one day two years into our marriage...
the event was just so pivotal to me and everything came into focus.
see she enjoyed and was arroused by the sexual response. kinda normal...but the ideas of her father doing that and she liking the feelings made her feel dirty and ashamed. so she developes some strange coping mechanisms.
Like sex was best when its dirty and kinda taboo. Multiple partners and lies to enable the affairs. I wasnt into it and so she didn't tell me about it for sure and since I was always working and she wasn't...it was easy for her to hide it.

And so the end of our marriage was the beginning of me finding out about the affairs. The betrayal will cause me problems for the rest of my life. I have trust issues even when people are trustworthy. I have alot of scar tissue. Alot of cynicism about people. I dont like Christmas or Valentines Day.
Sassy has helped me so much but it is so hard to unlearn what these divorces "teach you".
Betrayal from someone you really love is a lifechanging event.
You have to be really strong to accept and live through it.
Pick up the pieces of you as soon as you can
and avoid getting of her pieces mixed in with yours no matter how small.
I still have to deal with these little shards of broken dreams.

zephyr22 · Mar 23, 2009

Yeah... Everlast

I feel major betrayal. Now mind you in the beginning of our relationship when we were just dating I was almost done with college and It was not super serious etc... I guess I was afraid to commit to anyone because Ive been cheated on severely before. So i had some trust issues to start with. Im not posessive or jealous or anything like that. I just chose not to get hurt again so I would only get in so deep in to a relationship. Anyways my wife was previously married to her highschool sweetheart. She was thus single when we met. Things got more serious then she proceeds to tell me that she slept with a guy I went to highschool with. Well one night we went out for dinner and this guy was at the restaurant/sportsbar. She looks at him and has a glimpse of fear in her eye. I didnt think anything of it. Well about a month before this she was asking who this guy was and if I knew him???? I was like "yeah went to highschool with him why do want to know about him" she told me he liked a freind of hers. Come to find out the freind was her. Anyways we had a little falling out so we stopped talking for a few days. In this time period she felt she had to sleep with this guy I guess. Not good, anyways she waits a year in to our serious relationship to tell me this. I flipped a wig, I felt like how the hell can I trust anyone. She feels that we were not "together" at that time so it is excusable. Im sorry I dont feel this way. How the hell can you trust people???? Never had problems with trusting her afterthat though because she seemed to have changed quite a bit. Now, she started always accusing me.... of cheating. Now Im not a cheater, never have never will. However a few years ago, I had a freind from highschools girlfreind e-mail me from that damn service where you can find the people you went to highschool with and there e-mails etc...I was told that they were using this service for our reunion of 15 years. Anyway so this women e-mails me and tells me how she always had a mad crush on me etc.....Then the conversations get out of hand. So she asked if she could see me if she came to town. And I said as freinds only the shit that was said on the computer was basic bullshitting on my part. I have a wife and son. Anyways I had lunch with her, and felt horrible about it. She was there for one thing, (sneeky bitch) to try to seduce me. I told her I was having no part of it. I appolagized if I gave her the wrong impression but this was not happening. So, this women begged me and I still told her thanks for ego boost but not gonna happen so I went on my marry way. My wife decides that she is gonna get the passwords for my e-mail accounts. Still dont know how she got someone to hack them but she did. So she read these stupid e-mails and now ive been branded a cheater ever since. I feel guilty for even talking in a stupid manner to someone. I guess at the time i was feeling very unwated by my wife. She was on Paxil which made her sex drive etc....Zero. I felt like maybe she was just not in to me anymore hell maybe im just ugly, etc....bad things.. So this women told me things that made me feel good about myself. What a cost, not good and I know it was wrong. I feel bad about this to this day but we went to a marriage counselor etc...to try and sort this all out. My wife basically said I was a sneaky low down cheater. Now I think she is the cheater but wont tell me that she is seeing someone. I guess she thinks I deserve this maybe....

EVERLAST · Mar 23, 2009

and in the end..........

these things never seem to make sense right away.
You need time away from it and after a long while...
the questions, and "needing to know" and the sadness and pain of it.
this too shall pass.
remember that in all things. this too shall pass.
Some women are fickle.
some women seek approval of strangers.
some cannot feel love.
some women are just not wired right.

remember for your son that your dignity
and humanity will serve as his guideposts in life.
this will be a dark time for you both.
Here is the issue.
He is at a formative time, a crossroads, when his ideas and opinions on women and relationships and basic expectations about love, etc. are awakening and being built in his brain. Teen agers feel things very accutely.
They know what time it is.
so keep an optomistic attitude
(fake it till you make it real)
watch about having anyone casually sexual in front of him, around him.
Dont make him distustful of women, but rather a respect for the power they can sway us with.
light his way and you will light your own.

NWMUSCLE · Mar 23, 2009

thebrick said:
First of all, I am sorry to hear this. Sounds like you have been together about 10 years? I was in my first marriage about 17 years and it ended much like yours… this will be a very stressful period for you, but it is temporary. Some advice from an old man on the board.

1) Don't move out until you consult your lawyer. Don't walk away from what is 50% yours.

2) Protect any legal documents that belong to you (your car and/or motorcycle titles, credit card records, change passwords to your online banking if applicable, etc.) Even your wallet stays right with you. My ex used to sneak into my room while I was in the shower looking for money while we were in the middle of it legally (my wallet was right with me). Not saying it will happen to you, but being safe can save you a LOT of potential headaches. Divorce can bring out the nasty part of people that you didn't realize was there.

3) Try not to let this get to your self-esteem too much. Its a natural reaction though. But, marriage is an commitment between TWO people, and if she is not wanting to work it out, there is nothing you can do. She is in for a HUGE disappointment in life if she is looking for a "fairy tail man who rides up on the white horse". That's why its called a "fairy tale"

4) Live each day, one day at a time with the goal in mind that you are reaching that day you can get your life back. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will. You will learn to be single again and you will learn a lot about who you really are. You will reach a day when you can let it go and enjoy your life again. You just might discover it was the best thing that ever happened to you. I did.

Good luck and hang in there.
Mick

I am also an old man and this rings true, "wisdom of the ages"
We have been through this also in one form or the other, do not voluntarily leave, let her GTFO and it will help her to realize a small part of the easy/comfortable way that America has made Divorce for women.
Let her taste it bro, it may help you.

zephyr22 · Apr 6, 2009

Now im really pissed off....

I go to work and Im making my rounds in the ICU and a nurse who works there tells me that my wife has been telling everyone and there brother that Im "cheating on her" and thats why she wants a divorce. Now this is complete bullshit. Not only is she destroying me emotionally now she is going to bad mouth me on top of it???? I mean damn she is going to divorce me which in its self is bunk now people are looking at me strangely in the hospital I work at. People who know me know better but damn. It is even more hurtfull this way. Do some people know decency???? Im really starting to question peoples motives for shit. Anyway I need to start seeing my counselor again. Im sure that will help to vent. Also I appreciate you guys on here letting me vent. You all help me more than you know. Thanks.

zephyr22 · Apr 9, 2009

I guess Im just a little confused...

How should I handle this with her spreading lies about me???? I want to defend myself but I think my character should speak for itself. Ive done some dumb things in my life but im not a cheater. It sucks that I have people telling me that she is spreading all this garbage. I would never say anything bad about her to the world. Why??? What would it change. It just sucks having your name slung with mud.

notsobig32 · Apr 9, 2009

Hey man,

i feel your pain and have been through this myself. In all honesty, i think that trying to defend your name makes you look like you have something to defend yourself from. It just really feeds into the whole mess. I personally had to learn to turn my cheek to that sort of thing. Icouldn't fight every lie she told and i honestly think that she told so very many she began believing them herself. Just worry abnout what you do on a daily basis and try to keep doing all of the right thigns. She is going to do exactly whatever it is that she wants and there is nothing you can do about it. Just worry about what you can do and do it. This is just my 2 cents.

Gators · Apr 9, 2009

The high road is ALWAYS the right choice, don't even dignify her crap w/ a rebuttal, it truth will come out. Sorry you have to go through this Bro, i did, sorta, and it sucks bad, some mega pain involved, but like everyone says, life 'on the other side' is pretty damn good