Fiancee Turning on Me..

[jrs]

I first have to say that at the beginning of our relationship, things have been -great-. I've dated MANY women in my time, and know the difference between women and girls. My fiancee has been absolutely great. She's into fitness, supports me in everything I do, and will do spontaneous things to make me feel good and take some stress off.

She had mentioned marriage relatively early and had hinted and talked about me proposing for quite some time. I didn't want to until I was ready. Now that I have, not only a couple days after, she's saying I don't trust her and she's trying to start arguments with me.

She added a guy on myspace that she had seen regularly at her old job. I would've known what his motives were but she didn't. After only a day he asked her out. She respectfully declined and told him she was seeing somebody. Note that my pictures and comments are all over her page and it says that she's engaged.

I was offended by this, and wasn't going to put up with it. I messaged him and told him that I suggested he didn't go any further. He was a smartass but understood.

Now today I get reamed out for talking to him and for 'threatening' him and she says I don't trust her. She said we don't need to be engaged and that I should move out. This is a young woman who told me every day of how she dreamed of spending the rest of her life with me, and who did such nice things with me.

What kills me is that I DO trust her. I just wanted to let this guy know that I really didn't appreciate how insulting it was for him to ask my girl out when it's obvious what the situation we're in is.

Was I wrong? I can't believe something so small started such a huge argument that she told me to move out, that what she feels for me isn't real, that i should take the ring back (like anybody can get 10% for what they paid for a fucking ring), and that i'm basically an insecure piece of shit.

This girl is my best friend. She's who I wake up to everyday and who has been with me through everything I've ever been through while we've been together, even when she really didn't have to. She's gone out of her way to do many nice things for me and even buys things as I need them (bodywash, etc before I notice I'm out).

She's on several different medications but she takes them regularly. She is pretty bad when she's on the rag but it's not for another week.

I just can't put much faith into an engagement that she wants to call off over me being upset that somebody was hitting on her and asked her out. Because I stuck up for myself. Like she expects me to be a pushover and just take it.

Normally I'd think there's somebody else and she wants out, but I'm pretty damn sure there's not.

I'd be devastated if I lost her. I'd spend every dime on her, like I have been, and to provide for her and a future family we've been talking about. We sit and stay up all night talking every night and enjoy every minute together. She's like my best friend but beautiful and with really strong emotions and satisfaction. We keep each other balanced and we're always there for each other.

Until now...

Was I wrong for sticking up for myself and basically telling this guy off? Surely this wouldn't normally lead towards a breakup.??? I don't know WTF to think.

What do you think?

 

[lucian]

no you were not wrong for sticking up for yourself. you shouldnt just be pushed over and bottle up your feelings. there is more going on than just what you did. maybe her meds are not strainght or need to be adjusted.
but it seems like her having a hard time with something not you. now some may say " but he is being controling" well this guy knew she was engaged and still went ahead and asked her out. which mean even if she ss no....he is gonna try again. so you stepped in. now, did she tell you not to say anything? cuz thats a different story. if she wanted you to let her handle it and you sent the message then you were wrong. but if she dindt say anything...then its up to her to tell you " he asked me out but i will handle it, dont say anything." same thing happened w me and lilkoreangirl....she wanted to handle it and i backed off and she did. case closed ,game over. your girl is probably atractive and guys are gonna want to get with her. but sometimes you gotta step in when they go to far. try and explain to your girl it wasnt about you. he disrespected her, you and your relationship. maybe she just doenst understand. you said something about mediction. A.D.D., A.D.H.D.,bipolar and depression can be hard things to control as are other illnesses and some times the people who have it do not recognize it. and you cant fight that point cuz they just dont see it.
good luck and just try and be understanding twards what she is feeling and explain how yo feel over and over calmly till she understands it. just keep finding new ways to say it. also depending on how old she is she may be going through the "find yourself phase" and may be the reason for how she is acting. so you see there may be many reasons for this and its up to you to find out and help her.
but you should always make your feelings known and be heard.
god bless
lucian

 

[oldfella]

On one hand I can see (maybe) where she is coming from. She told him no and by her thinking that should have been the end of it! Then you go and as I put it get in his face about it and she is upset cause she thought she handled it! Now just because you are all over her page does not mean that every swinging dick out there is going to pay any attention ot it. This guy saw what he liked and made a play for it. She shot him down so really that should have been it. I guess all you did was make an awkward situation a little worse by stepping into the fray!

Ok with that said, do I think she is being a little irrational about it.........well yes! I hear where you are coming from but she does not understand why you stepped in. So she feels that you have no faith in her. Whether I think you are right or wrong is really irrelevant here, She thinks you were wrong and that is what is important. She may be feeling like you don't trust her to be able to look after herself. I think you both need to sit down quietly and really discuss what the hidden messege here is. Is it realy about "Trust" or lack of, or is there something else that needs to be aired here. Like is she having second thoughts? Are you? etc. Maybe the reality of marriage has set in and she is worried. Trust is a most critical component of any relationship, you need to convince her that she has you 100% trust. And apologise for interfering in her business. Let her know how you felt about the situation and that you were just re-enforcing your love for her to this other guy. You mentioned she is young, maybe all of the sudden she feels trapped.......see where this is going. At all costs before you walk out the door, sit down and really discuss this. And make sure you become a great listener as she talks.

 

[jrs]

i've been trying to talk to her for hours and she keeps repeating herself and insulting me. i've apologized a total of 8 times in five hours. she's giving this other guy more credit than me and telling him how she's upset with me and doesn't love me anymore because i don't trust her. now she's emailing him back and forth

days after i propose...

 

[michelin]

how did she know that you'd had words with the other guy?

 

[flatblack]

tough position to be in...1st thing i would suggest bro, is stop apologizing to her...she's lost respect for u and i'm thinking it started happening b4 this, just that yer deeply in love with her and u couldnt see it...she has a small point that when she told u she told this guy she was with someone, that should of been enough...but in reality, this wasnt between u and yer girl, this was between u and him, cuz he knew she was with with u, engaged n so forth and that prick stepped over the line...i dont blame u for contacting him and setting the record straight in that regard, jerk off has no respect...but now you've got a different issue...she's contacting him, she's obviously interested in him, and she's taken his side in an issue, where if she really loved u wouldve been a small issue, but she made it worse...imho, she has issues, whatever they may be, mental, emotional and u should walk away for now...one of the hardest thing u have to do u in life to walk away from a woman u love, but if its not mutual u have to pick up yer self respect and move on...maybe she'll turn around in a few months or maybe even longer but its not gonna work now...i'm 43 and have been with more women than i think i can count, and eventually after a certain amount of time passes, a woman will can back to u...best to move on tho and not hold yer breath, this girl is not what u thought she was, love will cloud yer good judgement every time...............

 

[thebrick]

bro, if I were you, I would run, not walk away. Good conversation and buying you body wash does not make her THE one. I think you need to work on your self esteem and figure out who you are and what you really want before you marry. Don't put the cart before the horse.

 

[NWMUSCLE]

bro, if I were you, I would run, not walk away. Good conversation and buying you body wash does not make her THE one. I think you need to work on your self esteem and figure out who you are and what you really want before you marry. Don't put the cart before the horse.

I agree roll on bro and thank god everyday that you did not marry her and have some kids to worry about!
Obviously you love her to death, but she doesn't feel the same
Good luck bro, and in a few weeks you will be cheery and back on track!

 

[LocalGod]

I'm sure its not what you wanna hear right now, but I also agree with these guys. I went through a real similar situation just about a year ago (it ended about a year ago).

We "clicked" right away, got serious pritty fast talkin bout our future home, pets, kids all that shit. Early in the relationship her ex, that she dumped for all the right reasons and supposed didn't miss at all, asked her to hang out "as friends" while he was back in town for the weekend. I trusted her although it seemed obvious to me what he was up to. Against my instinct I gave my approval anyways, and BIG frickin suprise he tried his damndest to get back with her to the point she told him off and sent him home crying. I'm sure I lectured her a little about bein so nieve, but I felt no threat from this guy so I got over it easy enuf. Time goes by we have a great relationship much like you describe, no fighting at all, but very into eachother. One day I sit her down and talk serious with her to make sure she's not just getting caught up in things, and that she does have genuine serious feelings. She started ballin cause she thought I was dumping her at first. I finish explaining things to her and she tells me that she's NOT just caught up in things, she truely loves me and wants to be with me forever. Next day she decides we should stop seeing eachother, I try to make sure its what she really wants, it seems to be, so I let her go. Within a month she hooked up with the ex that she swore I would NEVER have to worry about and that I would be a jerk for not trusting her to talk to or hang out with, as she was not into him like that at all anymore. I'll add she was on NO meds, had finished Med school and was a little old to be worried about settleing down too young.

Sometimes it really sucks being right about things! Anyways, didn't mean to go on and on, but I also say RUN! don't look back. Pack your shit do what you gotta do move out and move on. This kinda shit rarely works out in the longrun. I have no doubt you may be able to smooth this out and things will go back to normal, hell they'll probly even seem to improve then BAM shit will resurface and tear you up again and again.

You probly were right in thinking that this asshole would keep hounding her despite her having "handled it" and I bet she knew the same at least subconciously. Women by nature are insecure and don't exactly hate having an ex reassure them that they are so great that they want them back. I don't know if you did the right thing or not. On one hand I didn't confront the guy and she ended up appologizing to me for bein so nieve. But on the otherhand I spent another 6 months with her only to have her decide she wasn't ready to settle down, we separated and the next time the ex called her up, she took him up on it. She is now with someone new, as am I (just started moving in together actually).

Just make a clean break, get out, move on and assure yourself that you will have NO trouble finding another great girl and you'll be happy again in no time.

Sorry that was so long, but I like to explain why I give the advice I give so you can see for yourself if it makes any sence.

 

[lilkoreangirl]

...

It's the "now" she's emailing him back and forth that is discerning. It seems like there is more to her end of the story. You don't/can't just STOP loving someone; especially over somethin as innocent as you telling someone not to ask your girlfriend out over Myspace for goodness sake. It sounds like you love her very much and things have been going well. Try to find out what the rest of the story is with this guy. You may be shocked as to what unveils itself given the right opportunity. On the other hand, like Lucian said, she could be going through growing pains right now. Is she much younger than you? Just think about it. Try to be understanding, but at the same time, stand your ground and don't let her manipulate the situation to turn everything onto you.

LKG

 

[econstruction]

It's a tough situation with no easy answers, but for me in my brief dating carrier ( married at 18 now 16 years ) I always took that kind of behavior as a sign the other wanted out. Perhaps just back off for a while and keep an eye on it. You also should be prepared to leave if it comes to that, life does go on. But if you are having problems now it is magnified 10 fold after marriage and then these problems become expensive legal issues.

But I do hope things come out how you want.

 

[gettnlarge01]

I was in a similar deal.When I first started dating my now wife an old boyfriend started asking her out again[even though he knew we were dating],she told him no and then I had a talk with him to let him know how I felt. She was glad I did so he wouldn't bother her anymore and it helped to avoid rumors getting started which could've put a strain our relationship. I wouldn't think a woman talking about marriage would get upset over something so little unless she has something to hide.

 

[oldfella]

OK so you have tried the right approach. She is not willing to budge. I'm going with what some of the others have said here bro........It's over! She has her intrest turned elsewhere at the moment. Cut your loses here and move on. it is hard but not the end of the world. Once you do the 180 and walk, she will be like....WTF? Because it will be a total reversal of what you are about. But one of two things will come of this. 1 you will know exactly where you stand or 2 she will be like "Hold on a minute" and want you back. Now your call if you go back, but I am thinking option 1 applies here. Sorry bro!!

 

[muscledoc1]

I know its diffficult for you to read most of the suggestions given here,but i have a few question that i think we all ignored and realiscly we dont know too much about the depth of this relationship,so with that said:1)how long have you guys been together?
2)how long do you guys live together?
3)how old are you guys?
Now,regardeless to time,you think you can know a person your whole life and then you find out that you are wrong-the difference between our advice and you sitting there and reading it,is that we see it from the side(and obviously have no emotions/feelings involved making these suggestions,and yeah we all been in similiar situations-but still,everyone is different)-you on the other hand are thinking ONLY with your heart right now(or at least 80-90% with your heart and not with common sense)-i know i know,its easier said than done-but ultimatly we are all starngers(but friends to a certain extent)-but no one else but you see that situation better,and you are just panicing right now and thats why you are seeking for advice from whoever(which is completely normal).do your self a favor and take a deep breath and look at the whole picture,i mean if something stupid like that shook this whole relationship and she couldnt see it-you need to be strong here buddy and think is this what you would do if you were her?(after all-you said that you two are best friends right?)

 

[SAWADEEKROB]

(after all-you said that you two are best friends right?)

I can't help but think if a woman is "my best friend" why would she try to stop seeing "her best friend"???

Perceptions can be deceiving

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Since it is your fiancee, I think you should talk to a mutual friend or even better, an impartial third party and really go into your relationship and goals, etc. It's hard for a person to give really good feedback until they know the relationship and know the both of you.

From what you posted, it sounds as though you are walking on some thin ice (or maybe she is) and your attempt at marriage is disappearing. Why the hell anyone looking to form a long-term relationship would have a MySpace page is beyond me. I have never bought the idea that "it's just a way to keep in touch with friends and meet new people" - bullshit. MySpace is abused in that regard and because it has been abused so effectively, it has risen to a high degree of popularity as more of a social networking portal than a "keep in touch" sort of thing.

If you need to get in touch with an old friend, call them on the phone! Send them an email. People have phones with them 24/7 these days. You don't need a portal to bring all that together - especially a public one like MySpace.

Any non-professional social networking you need to do online as an engaged woman (or man) should be examined very closely.

Ditto for email, phone calls, text messaging, online profiles, etc. Many couples would be a lot better off if they'd scrap all those accounts and pull down all that information, give each other access to each others' email, and spend quality time together and get off the electronic tit. I hear more shit relating to "she gets text messaged at night" and "some guy she met on myspace" - it's rediculous.

I think it's a good practice to allow your mate access and knowledge to all your public electronic accounts as a matter of trust. If you absolutely need a myspace page, have one together. Have a "Jack and Jill's Page" or something.

If you need to have a private talk with someone, for crying out loud, go see the person or call them on the phone. Besides, if you do need some private time, why leave trail of electronic bread crumbs along the way so anyone with a laptop and some savvy can read your personal business?

 

[cytec]

I don't think you will like my reply but I have to send this your way. Bottom line is she is playing games, she is not ready for the commitment and you should end the game. If continue to play you will be in a position men don't realize until it happens, divorce, if you have a kid this will be devastating for you because the game will continue with the kid and your rights to it. Serious relationships are just that serious, and if a member of the relationship feels their space is violated it needs to be addressed, she is not allowing this for you and this is a problem. Keep your money and your sanity and move on, she is replaceable. I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out for you, but don't risk your self worth for this bullshit.

 

[bjjones]

Friend, not trying to be harsh, but quite simply she is playing you for a fool! Real Talk! Even though she may be somewhat angry that you contacted the guy she previously dated from work due to not trusting her judgement, the red flag here is that she is being overly emotional and irrational about this situation by telling you that she no longer wants to marry you. Certainly this scenario is quite unlogical! This means one thing! She has recently fucked this guy again, had explicit or personal conversations or shared intimate moments with him (kissing, touching, etc)! She didn't think you would contact the guy, and when you did she figured you might find out a little more than you were suppose to know! Your girlfriend knows that without a doubt you are "whipped" and even though you sound like your a really great person, she is using this incident to take advantage of your emotions while covering her ass and using it to her advantage for future reference. So if she has other guys that she wants to talk to or might be interested in she has mentally disabled you from reacting, investigating or questioning her true intentions. Ask yourself, why does your girlfriend still talk with this guy outside of work by communicating with him via MYSPACE? She already works with him, so anything that needs to be said should be said at work! There should be no communication outside of work (unless it has to do with work). Many women like to keep guys around that they had relationships with before as "friends" or "fuck buddies" so if something happens with their current relationship, they can go back to someone familiar they have been with before as a "bridge" until they meet that new "special" guy. So my personal rule is, any woman that I am seriously contemplating having a long term relationship with, if she has any guy friends that she has fucked before or had long term relationships with, I tell her to drop them all and do not have any contact with them, period! If they can't do that, then we can't be in a serious committed relationship. Sure some women's male friends may be harmless and have no real intentions of trying to get your woman in the sack again, but you don't really know if this is the case or not. Remember what I just explained above. Why cause yourself headaches in the long run. And her medications may have something to do with her behavior, but because this is so extreme and I am sure you have had many arguments and issues in your relationship (as all couples have), her sudden change in her plans and emotion regarding your marriage is somewhat going overboard based on this issue. So don't always fall or make excuses for that "I am on meds or my period" bullshit because women have been using that excuse for centuries to get away with murder! She is trying to manipulate you and if you allow her to do it, this will continue throughout your relationship, and she will be in control and you will be miserable. Play her game, and tell her you agree that it was wrong that you contacted this guy without her permission, yet that trust is a 2 way thing. Tell her you love her, and that you really thought she was the one, but if she doesn't want to marry you, then you completely understand and that it is best that you (the key word here is "you") want to end the relationship and move on. Get your shit and move out! Get your own place, move in with a friend, parents whatever you have to do, do it. Then, start dating other women, and just sit back and observe how it all plays out. If she really loves you like you think, she will not let you leave, and will try to work it out with you. If she allows you to leave (which you should leave anyway regardless if she apologizes or says she was wrong, even if for a month or so to view all this from another angle and to let her know that you are serious and want to be committed to her, but you will not tolerate her games or her crap), something is up here and this should give you an idea of what here motives are. But the bottom line here is that all women want a real man, and you should never let a woman have full control in a situation where it is does not make common sense, is not mutually benefical for you or the both of you if you are in a relationship.

 

[LocalGod]

I gotta agree with alot of that, I wouldn't go as far as to say she had already taken it any further than talking to him, but the general women stuff sounds acurate. Drives me nuckin futz how women can just go back to screwin an ex and not feel guilty, in their mind "I've only slept with 5 men in my life" in reality you slept with 3 of them again inbetween other relationships, to me I would rather they screwed 8 differnt guys once, hahaha.

 

[PHIL HERNON]

Opinion

Move on now. Things will only get worse with her attitude, I guarantee it. She obviously does not know what she wants in life yet. Please find someone else that will allow you to love her the way you are capable of without a threat or a fight.