guys i need help

[Andronicus]

Sigmund (and other bros)

 

[Crowler]

Sigmund (and other bros) help me please
if you told me 2 years ago I would be writing this in a counseling forum on promuslce, I would have said you were nuts. now, here I am. i've read countless posts in this forum - now that I think about it, ive struggled with allot of the same problems ive read other bros having.
here's my situation, I think I know the answers to my questions in my heart, but just need some encouragement/support/advice
my wife and I first met 4 years ago, friends first then lovers -typical. things were great. we spent every second together. best friends, great sex life, everything was perfect. we got engaged after a year or so -engaged for a year, and now have been married for almost 1 year.
we had arguments and little fights throughout the years, but nothing like we have now. we argue over EVERYTHING. nothing I do is right/good enough. its like I have no dignity - "toilet seat down", "make the bed after you get up", "don't eat in the TV room" she never complained about these things before we got married. she is so critical of everything I do. I had to fight to get a new motorcycle (I sold 2 of my bikes to get her engagement ring!!!!!!!!!!!) but she gave in, and I got a new bike. im about to buy a hand gun (just got approved for my concealed carry permit) and she is adamant about me NOT doing it. says shell move out if there is a gun in the house. (I grew up hunting and shooting guns, always was a hobby of mine) it wasn't though when we met - I got rid of my guns, and stopped hunting when I moved down here a year before we met.
we have 0 sex life, 99.9% of the time, she wants to, and I don't. im not physically attracted to her anymore - im really not (she 100% stopped working out after we got married - used to be a kickboxing instructor, incredible body, amazing nutrition habits...the whole 9 yards) now she eats horribly, her skin is bad, doesn't go to the gym (at all) and has not only gained weight, but her personally changed as well. she jokes about being fat all the time, like she is acknowledging that she looks bad, and doesn't care at all. meanwhile, im in the gym for 15 hrs/week, just like I have been for the past 8 years. no physical attraction is one reason I don't want to be intiment, but more importantly I don't want to be intiment because I resent her alot of the time cause she is constantly nagging and fighting with me about the above things.... we'll fight, make up (really just smooth things over, never "really" resolved) then she'll want to get down, and im thinking F that, im pissed!.....
to make things worse, I am NOT her confidant - her mother is. her daddy left when she was little, so it was only her mom and her (and sister) since she was very young. basically typical mommas girl thing....her first "go to" person whenever there are good or bad times is her mother. I often talk about moving (back to NYC area to be closer to my family) she says, "see ya" (jokingly albeit) but she does mean it...she would NEVER leave her mom...she has told me this before.
she wants kids like now...and im not even close to ready for that (im 26 she's 25) we don't really talk about it, she sometimes says, I want a baby, and I say, not right now, a few years....(really just stalling)
our communication sucks, like I said, she can and will talk to her mom, but not with me.
there is allot more detail, but I think you get the gist of the situation
I love my wife very much - I really do. I am just worried im not IN love with her (sorry for the cliché) is this a cop out 0 some cliché bullshit, or does this really happen. do people fall out of love?
I think we rushed into marriage. I feel like we would be better off if we were friends, not married....I honestly feel like she would be happier in the long run, and I know I would if we were not together.
in my heart, I think the RIGHT thing to do is to leave, no matter how difficult it is (for me and her) at first, it is the RIGHT thing for us both in the long run
am I way off base?
thanks guys.

Although sex is not everything ina marrage it is important. You no longer watn to have sex with her and probably never will.

She criticizes everything you do and probably will never change.

Has it really been your life goal to have a sexless marrage with a person who makes you feel bad about yourself and what you do?

End it now before you DO have sex and she gets pregnant then you have LIFELONG problem.


CROWLER

 

[Andronicus]

you know what i think this boils down to?

im afraid.

 

[flexmaster]

communication

communication is the key in every relationship. if you cannot honestly communicate with eachother, then there's no hope.

relationships are also about give and take. if one person feels like they are constantly giving and giving and giving, and the other is taking, thats not healthy, and not the way a relationship should be either. there should be mutual compromises, a one sided relationship is never fun.

it sounds as if shes unhappy in the relationship as well, and taking it out on you in the little things you do that annoy her...but shouldn't really warrant an arguement.

i dont know bro, i have always been given the advice concerning marriage that it cant hurt to wait, that way you'll see this person in nearly every possible situation that can come up, and there wont be any suprises (at least not huge ones) down the road.

good luck, maybe stick it out a while longer and try to make things work, talk to her about everything, be blunt and honest (but still mindful of her feelings) and if she/you are unwilling to change then reevaluate things then. relationship problems are tough bro, everyone can sympathize with them...

 

[maxsupplements]

listen bro...

i know where you are coming from as far as the fighting and bickering goes... but the one thing that bothered me, that you mentioned, was the fact that you were "freinds" before you met... and let me ask you, were you attracted to her then? cause let me tell you a little secret,, no matter how hard you try, attraction is not a choice... we cannot decide to be attracted to someone cause they are someone we like.. either you are attracted to her or not...

i know you are scared dude. but listen, if you are thinking of divorcing her, then just get seperated,,, have you thought about counseling!?!? i dont know if you read my post, and you did mention that you read about everyone elses threads., but i have a very long thread about my divorce and the crap that went on in my marriage...
if i could go back and change anything now man, i would actually think about just getting seperated first and then decide if the divorce is right. after all, you used to love her right>? i mean what happened to all those good times, well, i know you will say, well, she changed,,, i know women change and so do we bro. we are all changing all the time, have you tried to ask her what happened with you guys>? i mean have you been given the opportunity to voice your concerns as well as hers? i really think you could save this if you WANT to... like i said, you have to want to ... like totally WANT IT!!!

 

[Andronicus]

guys

honestly, thank you for taking the time to read and reply....your thoughts and advice mean alot to me!
maxsup, i remember reading your post right after you posted it, i was like, "oh shit, that guy is almost describing my situation to the "T"..im not the only one!"
i think i should probably not do anything rash at this point...sit tight and think, and then think some more....
i know the communication thing is critical, maybe i should start there with my wife
thank you guys!

 

[Sigmund Roid]

KidMuscle,

It certainly sounds like the marriage is in trouble. You have to ask yourself if you really want the marriage to survive. It is currently very sick and in dire need of assistance. It doesn't sound to me like you really want to be married to this person. The way you've described her is EXACTLY what I would NOT want in a wife!

I think Crowler's post is accurate. If you don't love this woman [and I am not talking about the love you have for your sister] then do both of you a favor and get out before you add children to an already complicated situation.

I'd let her know how you feel and be honest about it, just like you have in the above post. If she is still someone you care about, then find out what you are willing to give to the marriage and ask her what she is willing to do.

I may be wrong here, but my guess is you already have someone in mind outside the marriage. A female friend from work or the gym possibly? The only reason I mention this is the fact that it would be tough for me, being a healthy male, to go for long without some sort of sexual contact with a woman. You've mentioned the thought of sex with your wife is out, but I'll bet you still have sexual thoughts! Someone else may have entered that 'quality world' we all have in our heads! Let me know if I am off base, Kid. You might just be a better man than I am!

Let us know.

 

[Andronicus]

Sigmund

we talked last night. ) in this thread...

 

[obrnpwrlftr]

I'm no expert on psychology, hell, I think everyone is nuts(except me) LOL. But do you think it's possible that she could be going through a depression? What made me think this was mainly the fact that she used to work out and was in great shape. You don't get that way unless it's something you enjoy. Now she has let herself go so to speak.It could be possible that she is depressed about it and because you still workout and are in shape she resents you on some level. That could be why she nitpicks you about every thing else. She can't find fault with you working out because it is beneficial to you so she focusses on other things that she can rationalize as being "wrong". Guns can be dangerous...don't get one. Bikes are dangerous..don't get one. another thing that she can bust your balls about working out is that "you spend too much time away from home. Maybe I'm completely off base here. Just a thought.

 

[flexmaster]

kidmuscle

do you invite her to the gym with you? dont do it with the intentions of trying to change her or something, but maybe for whatever reason she lacks the motivation she used to have...and you could help her regain it. my old girl and i used to go to the gym together a few months into dating and i loved it. i initially asked for a few reason, one was kind of to show off to her , and also the gym is a very big part of my life, and i wanted to share it with her.

why doesnt she work out anymore? too busy? lazy? no motivation? maybe she misses it and would like to get back if you offered to take her with you...?

 

[Andronicus]

thanks you guys

for taking a minute to read reply....

 

[Crowler]

Men get married thinking their wives will never change (keep a good figure etc etc) but they do change.

Women get married thinking their husbands WILL change (for the better) and they do not change.




CROWLER

 

[JETHRO TULL]

KID...I TRIED THAT THEORY OF GIVING UP STUFF YOU ENJOY..ONCE!

DON'T DO THAT SHIT. LIKE YOU, I ENJOY HUNTING, SHOOTING GUNS AND WEIGHT TRAINING. YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO TRULY ENJOYS THE SAME THINGS YOU DO. I HAVE THAT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND OF NINE YEARS!

SHE IS THE 4TH GIRL FRIEND OF MY LIFE. THE FIRST COUPLE GALS ENJOYED WORKING OUT AND I SPENT 2YEARS WITH EACH OF THEM. I DIDN'T WANT TO GET MARRIED THAT YOUNG ...SO I MOVED ON.

LATER, ON I GOT TO THINKING SIMILAR THINGS THAT YOU POSTED....'JEEZ MAYBE I SHOULD STOP BEING SUCH AN IRON FREAK AND SPEND A LITTLE LESS TIME IN THE GYM...NOT WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT GETTING MY MEALS IN...NOT SPEND EVERY MOMENT OUT ON THE RIVER OR IN THE MOUNTAINS AND REALLY DEVOTE MYSELF TO A RELATIONSHIP"... THIS WAS WITH MY 3RD WOMAN...YEP, I DID THE THINGS SHE WANTED....DIDN'T DO ANY "SUPPLEMENTS" FOR 2YEARS.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO THAT....YOU LOSE YOUR IDENTITY...WHO YOU ARE. I WAS MISERABLE AS HELL. TO TOP IT OFF...THE GIRL DOESN'T RESPECT OR LOVE YOU MORE FOR THE SACRIFICE YOU ARE MAKING..SHE JUST DOES THE THINGS SHE WANTS TO DO AND YOU ARE LEFT WONDERING WHY YOU ARE SITTING AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF HER FRIENDS THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WITH...BORED OFF YOUR ASS. WHEN I MET HER SHE WAS ON THE STAIRMASTER 5 DAYS PER WEEK AND LOOKED GOOD...I AM SURE SHE WAS ONLY WORKING OUT UNTIL SHE FOUND A MAN AS WELL. LIKE YOUR GAL..THIS ONE ENDED UP WITH A FAT ASS, ETC... THE SEX WENT RIGHT DOWN HILL FOR ME TOO. OH, YEAH SHE STILL WANTED TO HIT IT ALL THE TIME....BUT THE PROBLEM IS....I AM JUST NOT ATTRACTED TO FAT CHICS.

I'D GO DOWN TOWN TO RENT A MOVIE AND BE TOTALLY TURNED ON BY THE LITTLE LEAN CHIC WHO WORKED AT THE COUNTER. THAT'S NO WAY TO LIVE! I LIKE FEMALE ATHLETES OR PEOPLE WHO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES. NEEDLESS TO SAY I WASTED A COUPLE YEARS TRYING TO BE SOMEONE I WASN'T.

I PUT UP WITH HER DAMB LITTLE DOG AND HER ATTITUDE ON THE RARE OCCASION I WANTED US TO DO SOMETHING I WAS INTERESTED IN DOING. GET THIS....HERE IS A GREAT EXAMPLE.....A BUNCH OF US WERE GOING OUT TO THE RIVER ...PICTURE A MOUNTAIN DEW COMMERCIAL! SWIMMING AT THIS BEAUTIFUL RIVER, HIGH IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS, NEAR GLACIER PARK. WE GET OUT TO THE RIVER, EVERY ONE IS HAVING A FEW BEERS...JUMPING OFF THIS BRIDGE INTO CLEAR WATER, THE SUN IS SHINING ...EVERYONE IS HAVING A GREAT TIME...SHERYL ISN'T GETTTING IN THE WATER! I SAID....HEY, ARENT YOU GOING TO SWIM? SHE GIVES ME AN EXASPERATED LOOK ....LIKE I AM THE STUPIDEST F*CKER ON THE PLANET AND RESPONDS..."NO, CAN'T YOU SEE, I'VE JUST DONE MY HAIR?" I AM SO GLAD I DIDN'T STAY WITH THAT WOMAN!

NEEDLESS TO SAY THERE ARE GIRLS WHO ARE INTO THE FITNESS LIFESTYLE...I HAVE ONE....SHE ROCKS...THEY ARE OUT THERE. WHY NOT SEARCH FOR A PIA, A REA, OR ONE LIKE MY LYNX? TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THERE IS SOME FEMALE OUT THERE JUST WISHING HER FAT ASSED, LAZY BOYFRIEND WOULD HIT THE GYM WITH HER, GO HIKING, OR SOMETHING.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA HURT YOUR WIFE MORE....ENDING IT NOW OR HANGING OUT WITH HER FOR YEARS, NOT BEING IN LOVE WITH HER, NOT GIVING HER THE RELATIONSHIP SHE DESIRES? WHY WASTE YOUR LIFE...TIME MARCHES ON AND YOU DON'T GET IT BACK, KID.

THAT'S JUST MY LONGWINDED STORY AND LAME ASSED OPINION!

 

[sentientcj]

im afraid.
im afraid of how much it will hurt her
im afraid of how much its gonna hurt me
im afraid of all the people (her famliy, friends, and family friends) its gonna hurt. they'll hate me
im afraid to admit to myself and everyone that knows me that i failed at this
im afraid of where im gonna go. we live in an apartment 200 miles from my folks. i cant afford to pay half the rent there, AND get my own place.
most of all im afraid that leaving isnt the right decision.
this sucks

going through similar situation as we speak. biggest problem is not knowing what to do. i've been with my wife for five years, married four, i'm 24 and she's 22(i know cuz im younger my opinion holds less weight). just wanted to say that it helps reading this post.
you just can't boil it down more than "im afraid'

 

[maxsupplements]

whats up kid

hey kid, hows everything going? have you two decided to go to counseling or anything? just checkin on ya

 

[Andronicus]

maxsup

.

 

[vitor]

KID

Im a young man, almost married before and bro two things I noticed.

1. Why are you willing to put your happiness and enjoyment away for a woman who doesnt seem to care about pleasing you or your happiness.
- She is fat now
- Bickers with you non stop
- Trys to change you

Its like George Bush said, Either your with us or aginst us, seems like she is not on your team.

I think you should just be honest and say honey I love you, but we need to get you back in the gym. Im no quitter but bro seems like this marriage is over and for your happiness and hers, MAN up and end this thing that you both know is over. I mean can she really be oblivious to your/her unhappiness.

 

[maxsupplements]

KID

well, good that the communication thing is starting to help you guys, and that is a BIG step towards any sort of recovery... one thing that i would like to mention to you, and that you said about your shrink.. maybe you might think about going to a joint counselor, and by that i mean a counselor.. not really a shrink.. a shrink can prescribe you drugs, but a counselor seems to be about more into fixing the problem at hand.. and even beyond that.. if you felt that the shrink wasnt helping you, maybe think about going to a different one.. this could be a good answer for you..
in any cost- go together, i wish my ex would have gone with me more.. we went to joint counseling together and all she could do was point fingers.. at me of course..
i do know what you are saying about her though. if you dont feel you are there yet to make any permenant changes (divorce, seperation) then DONT DO IT.
maybe even think about getting seperated for some time, i know this sounds odd, but sometimes it can help. i have seen many situations end up happier becuase you will see what you would miss.. i do know that right after my divorce i was totaly devastated, no matter how hard, bitchy, and controlling my ex was, i still missed her, and still do to this day, i miss the companionship. but enough about me already, you can do this together if you put your mind to it, but if you feel you TOTALLY dont love her and feel attracted to her anymore, then theres no better time than the present to make some actions... hope im not confusing you here, but just wanted to give you some differnet points of view. no to get to personal here, but maybe even a sex therapist could help. and have you even mentioned to her about the working out thing? i know its a SUPER touchy subject- but if you are that over with her and that un attracted...... THEN WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? i mean man, i did that, when my wife had gotten a little out of shape, and she got VERY defensive.. like out of hand defensive, i even offered to train her for free and everything, got her a new membership at a club that we could both go to together, and that didnt even work.. well, now 6 months after my divorce, my ex has really blown up.. at least thats what i have heard.. i cannot see her anymore due to the attraction that is still there, but you know, it might be worth a try to see why she quit and why she feels she can just let go. i mean you work your ass off in the gym for you mainly, but in all honesty, you do it for her too. at least me, i did alot of my lifting to look good for my ex- but now its totally for me. and only me, (well, and the single ladies..lol) But, maybe try man, and maybe even think of writing her a letter, i know that works soooo well, and you can get some things across to her before she has a chance to answer it.. and another plus to a letter is you can write and re-write it over and over...
hope your doing good.. keep your head up bro, im praying for you and her

 

[hughesy]

KID

I've been where you are. This time last year I was seperated for the 2nd time from my ex-wife. We ended up back together a third time and are now divorced. One thing I can tell you is stop looking at this as it is all your fault. A marriage is 2 people and it takes both of you to make it work or make it fail. Try looking at things from her side for a minute. You stated that she wants kids and that you don't right now. Maybe her nagging and bickering is her way of showing the frustration over this. Or it could be that she is not happy with herself and is taking it out on you. That is one of the big problems I had with my ex. She would have a bad day (at work, or anything) and it would be taken out on me. And it got to the point where I would start blaming myself and thinking it was all my fault. After a bit of counseling I have learned that most of it was her and that I was not really doing anything wrong.
I would strongly suggest going to counseling. If she doesn't want to go then at least go yourself. And if she does agree I would still go see someone else on my own and have her do the same. I feel for ya bro, Just reading your thread and sitting here writing this it is bring back alot of stuff I had forgot or thought I was over.
One last thing you could do is ask her to go to the gym with you. It will do 2 things. 1. get her back into working out which might help your attraction to her. And 2. it will provide an enviroment where the 2 of you could talk and spend time together with out it looking like its an interigation or bitch session.
Just some of my thoughts, I hope they help. Take care and good luck.

 

[GymDudeVA]

kid

First of all, don't even THINK about having kids. She may try to convince you that that will fix everything. NO! It will make everything 1000 times more complicated, eventually. Not to be cynical, but don't just rely on her for the "protection" when you do it (which doesn't seem often, but just saying). Be double, triple safe on this. Wear a suit of armor if need be.

I think the worst thing you can do now is nothing. You've already invested more in tthis relationship than you can afford to lose. You must do *something*. It is obvious from your posts that your wife is eroding your self-esteem. The longer this goes on, the worse it will be and the harder it will seem to make a move.

As others have suggested, joint counselling is the way to go. Then even if it doesn't work, you will have tried. A counsellor will know how to get all the issues into the open, so that you both have full knowledge upon which to make any decisions.

Also, it sounds like you need to make things clearer to her. She may not know how much her criticisms are hurting you and the marriage.

If you are close to your parents or any siblings, definitely share your feelings and situation with them. Emotional support is very important.

My straight brother (I am gay) was married for 10 years to a semi-b*tch. She wasn't the worst ever, and didn't change as much as your wife, but she definitely didn't bolster his self-esteem, was often passive-aggressive, and was actually jealous of his working out and such. They finally got divorced, thank god, and his biggest regret was sort of wasting those 10 years not being able to be himself. All that time, it was easier just to leave things as they were, and like you, he was afraid of being alone.

All of the things you said you were afraid of....they will all be worse and worse if the situation doesn't change. I know it's all scary, but you are young, and you have a lot more resources than you think you do, and a lot of life left to live in the way that YOU need to live it.

Good luck, bro.