We haven't heard about your meeting with his fellow police officers. So I don't know how your situation has evolved.
Lets just say I know a lot of married women who cheat.
My comment may be moot at this point but seeing that you endured the torture of seeing her texts and you didn't say there was mention of an encounter I'm guessing it never happened. It would have been mentioned in the texts. Really.
You didn't say much about her side of the story. Nothing actually other than you worked a lot. That's it? You are Prince Charming? And while I have personally NEVER had a reason to cheat on my wife, I DO NOT believe reasons for infidelity do not exist. And the allure and the high are better than any drug. And there are a lot of spouses out there with drug, smoking and alcohol problems that catastrophically impact their family. And that behavior continues. But sex is sacred. Ah-huh.
You are in a horrible place that you no doubt do not deserve. My biggest concern here is your kids. Do they know?
I will tell you what I believe (not a scientific study) to be a very common thread in spouses who cheat is that they came from divorced families themselves. (not always of course). If you divorce, and you may have a very good reason mind you, you are dooming your kids to a much higher likelihood that they will also divorce. Just like suicide - your parents kill themselves - you are much more at risk. And both of my examples of mimicked behavior are statistically backed up.
I don't know if I could forgive her. Probably not, because I am weak, not because "I am an Alpha Male - on steroids - growl". But I know forgiving her is the first step in your healing process, whether you stay married or not. Do you hear the raw bitterness in a lot of the above advice? I understand why they feel their anger, but it's very unhealthy for them. It's still hurting the quality of their lives.
To those above scorned men - I would be devoting a lot of energy to forgiving your ex's for their weakness and character flaws. Yes they are toxic and I'm not telling you to take them back. But stop hating. Let go of your anger and find peace. Do it for yourself. Not for them, they may not deserve it, but you deserve to find peace.
It's difficult to believe that the first time your wife misbehaved was the first time she was caught IMHO. I also don't put much faith in counseling, or in a cheater not to cheat again. I know a lot of cheaters who have been thru counseling. I even know one who always had to have sex with her affair partner the day of her couples sessions. Nice!
1) Don't let your hatred hurt you. Because your hatred can ruin your life - if you stay married or not. Forgive her either way you go - for your own health
2) Think of how a divorce may impact your children when they get married, and then their children as well - it's a generational cancer. Does that mean you have to be miserable? No, it doesn't. But you need to consider how this will affect your future generations.
3) Good judgement not to get physical with the guy (he sounds like his life was awful before he met your wife, please recognize that his life is his own punshishment, and it's only going to get worse - I would forgive him too - for your benefit) Plus he may have shot your "trained fighter" self. I would have shot you. Most definitely.
Try to find peace. What your wife did is horrible, even if I don't think they were physical. But it happens all the time, and hating will destroy your life.
And thanks again for the amusing "Be a man and throw that whore scum out to the curb" comments. Especially from all the single guys. What are you guys on - roids? Idiots.