Having Two Girlfriends (Polyamory)

[jrs]

This goes against all conservative and traditional ideas and behaviors. It makes current relationship counseling and rules cease to exist. Some see it as impossible, some see it as immoral, but dammit it'd be ideal, in my opinion.

I'm NOT talking about cheating, swinging or anything that's not consensual. Hypothetically, everybody involved is aware of and okay with the shared love.

From what I've been reading, it is consensual seperate relationships (with two or more people) where all parties understand that their partner is not, cannot, be the best possible person for them in the world. They understand that nobody can be completely happy and content in a relationship about everything, forever, while in a monogamous relationship with just one person. With 6-7 billion people on this earth, somebody somewhere does something.. or a lot of things.. better for you.

Boredom also occurs and many believe that biologically, a man is supposed to spread his seed as much as possible and the drive to do so is certainly obvious.

For this to work, obviously, the two opposites in the relationships have to be both aware of each other, and accepting of each other. Jealousy would easily tear this apart. Being realistic and shunning the expected impossible tradition of marriage and misery.

Some only keep it as a primary and secondary relationship. Some guys have 2 girlfriends or a wife and a girlfriend, living with them, all sharing bills and responsibilities. I bet the sex would be fresh and amazing for quite some time as well.

I'm in a situation where, during a "break" from my most recent relationship, I've started regularly seeing an ex from years past that was never in the local area or not in a relationship. I love her. I always have and have always cared about her, especially/even if she and her last boyfriend now have a kid. I'm fully ready to accept that responsibility. She connects with me on a level that is -impossible-.. consistently (for years now). I can't even explain it. The chemistry, both physical and emotional, is crazy. We've ended up in each other's dreams while laying next to others for quite some time.

On the other hand, my most recent girlfriend still lives with me. We split bills but she helps me out quite a bit. She moved me here when I lost a job. She has given everything to make me happy, and she does. She has so much in common with me she has become my best friend. I love her more than life itself. I don't, however, love her any less now that I love my ex. I love them both very much. Again, many who practice polyamory believe that love is limitless and just because you love somebody with all your heart, doesn't mean you can't love somebody else to their fullest potential as well.

I've been tearing myself apart for almost a month about who should stay and who should go. After thinking about it for quite some time I've come to the conclusion that I really love both and want to be with both. I have no idea how to approach the two about it seperately. They are both into girls and they both really want to be with me. Women are jealous creatures, though, and I don't want to lose both for talking about something so crazy and probably offensive at first.

Any opinions on this lifestyle? Anybody have any friends or relatives or know any success stories?

 

[nosmas]

This goes against all conservative and traditional ideas and behaviors. It makes current relationship counseling and rules cease to exist. Some see it as impossible, some see it as immoral, but dammit it'd be ideal, in my opinion.

I'm NOT talking about cheating, swinging or anything that's not consensual. Hypothetically, everybody involved is aware of and okay with the shared love.

From what I've been reading, it is consensual seperate relationships (with two or more people) where all parties understand that their partner is not, cannot, be the best possible person for them in the world. They understand that nobody can be completely happy and content in a relationship about everything, forever, while in a monogamous relationship with just one person. With 6-7 billion people on this earth, somebody somewhere does something.. or a lot of things.. better for you.

Boredom also occurs and many believe that biologically, a man is supposed to spread his seed as much as possible and the drive to do so is certainly obvious.

For this to work, obviously, the two opposites in the relationships have to be both aware of each other, and accepting of each other. Jealousy would easily tear this apart. Being realistic and shunning the expected impossible tradition of marriage and misery.

Some only keep it as a primary and secondary relationship. Some guys have 2 girlfriends or a wife and a girlfriend, living with them, all sharing bills and responsibilities. I bet the sex would be fresh and amazing for quite some time as well.

I'm in a situation where, during a "break" from my most recent relationship, I've started regularly seeing an ex from years past that was never in the local area or not in a relationship. I love her. I always have and have always cared about her, especially/even if she and her last boyfriend now have a kid. I'm fully ready to accept that responsibility. She connects with me on a level that is -impossible-.. consistently (for years now). I can't even explain it. The chemistry, both physical and emotional, is crazy. We've ended up in each other's dreams while laying next to others for quite some time.

On the other hand, my most recent girlfriend still lives with me. We split bills but she helps me out quite a bit. She moved me here when I lost a job. She has given everything to make me happy, and she does. She has so much in common with me she has become my best friend. I love her more than life itself. I don't, however, love her any less now that I love my ex. I love them both very much. Again, many who practice polyamory believe that love is limitless and just because you love somebody with all your heart, doesn't mean you can't love somebody else to their fullest potential as well.

I've been tearing myself apart for almost a month about who should stay and who should go. After thinking about it for quite some time I've come to the conclusion that I really love both and want to be with both. I have no idea how to approach the two about it seperately. They are both into girls and they both really want to be with me. Women are jealous creatures, though, and I don't want to lose both for talking about something so crazy and probably offensive at first.

Any opinions on this lifestyle? Anybody have any friends or relatives or know any success stories?

Ya I got an opinion. You are cheating both of them. Pick one and give her your entire devotion. Throw all morals and politics out the window and you still cheat both of them. They deserve to have better than half of you and will surly take nothing less. There is no success story for this better than having the straight balls to give one woman all you are...and all you have.

 

[jrs]

Ya I got an opinion. You are cheating both of them. Pick one and give her your entire devotion. Throw all morals and politics out the window and you still cheat both of them. They deserve to have better than half of you and will surly take nothing less. There is no success story for this better than having the straight balls to give one woman all you are...and all you have.

I'm not "with" anybody in particular. I'm broken up with my ex who wants me back and who I still go out with , and I'm "meeting" with a different ex from time to time. I'm not cheating on anybody.

Do you have any success stories of a couple TRULY lasting forever with somebody not cheating or getting something from somebody else, even emotionally being unfaithful? It's not realistic!

Just because you love somebody to the fullest extent, doesn't mean you can't do the same with another. Do parents with multiple children have to love one more than the other? Or they can only love one? Please..

 

[nosmas]

I'm not "with" anybody in particular. I'm broken up with my ex who wants me back and who I still go out with , and I'm "meeting" with a different ex from time to time. I'm not cheating on anybody.

Do you have any success stories of a couple TRULY lasting forever with somebody not cheating or getting something from somebody else, even emotionally being unfaithful? It's not realistic!

Just because you love somebody to the fullest extent, doesn't mean you can't do the same with another. Do parents with multiple children have to love one more than the other? Or they can only love one? Please..

Go easy bro...

I know your not physicaly cheating. I read your post. Most women would tell you a non physical relationship is much worse than if you just had sex with another woman. In my experience love for another is far more damming than simple lust.
If you love another, you are not loving someone to your fullest extent. (granted that just my opinion).

I will just say that I think you have a response you are looking for. Validation what you are doing is right. In reality it is not so simple.

The challenge is to be complete to just one. Share all your days, thoughts, memories, sex, pain, heartbreak, death, birth, etc. with one person. You must draw lines with any others. Work relationships, gym relationships, ex relationships, you can have all those things in your life and thats fine. But you must have the STRENGTH to save the best for just one. That my friend......is LOVE.

 

[jrs]

Go easy bro...

I know your not physicaly cheating. I read your post. Most women would tell you a non physical relationship is much worse than if you just had sex with another woman. Love is far more damming than simple lust.
If you love another, you are not loving someone to your fullest extent.

I will just say that I think you have a response you are looking for. Validation what you are doing is right. In reality it is not so simple.
You see it is your human nature you have feelings for two women. Ya most men experience this in some form I think. Women also.
The challenge is to be complete to just one. Share all your days, thoughts, memories, sex, pain, heartbreak, death, birth, etc. with one person. You must draw lines with any others. Work relationships, gym relationships, ex relationships, you can have all those things in your life and thats fine. But you must have the STRENGTH to save the best for just one. That my friend......is LOVE.

thanks for not getting offended. wasn't mean to be harsh, but blunt and realistic

who imposes these challenges? people only do it because that's what everybody else does out of tradition and noncreativity in regards to the solutions to their problems

 

[nosmas]

No offense taken...

I dont know J. I come from a broken home.

So for me... it comes not from traditions like marriage. It comes from my heart to be exclusive. It comes from experience. It is the only way for me to be able to live with myself. I do it because that is how I must conduct myself to be true not just to her or them....but to me. What anyone else does is of no concern to me. It is the macho man in us that makes us think we could possibly create a LONG TERM relationship with more than one person.

Would you share your bed and most true love with another man? Could you be the second man? #2? Now ask yourself if you can do that to someone you claim to love?

 

[oldfella]

HMMMMM, interesting topic!
I suppose it could work in reality. It would take an extraordinary amount of understanding and love to overcome the jealousy that is programmed into human nature. How would you feel if you were one of two lovers/partners to one woman? You must think in the alternative here to be able to distinguish the feelings the women might feel towards this situation. Most women are very jealous by nature, as we men are also. So n order for somethng like this to work it will have to be discussed at a round table witrh all present, so as to be sure no one is hiding anything or has a hidden agenda on this. It kind of goes back to the old hippie commune days where everything was shared including partners. Boy it could also go really badly at some stage if one or the other or both suddenly felt they were not getting their fair share of the love. In theory many things look good and tend to work. In practice though I could see this one falling over pretty fast unless you all lived under one roof and slept in the same bed!!

 

[phoenix13]

I don't personally know of any success stories, but that doesn't mean it's not possible. I think it would require a level of maturity, honesty, unconventional mentality and detachment that FEW are truly capable of consistently embodying.

It goes both ways, as nosmas posted. Would you honestly be ok with being one of two guys? (no offense intended, just a serious question to reflect on)

I was with someone who I loved very deeply. This person wanted another in addition, but with the perspective that I was #1 and would always have "first dibs" so to speak. It was discussed and I was genuinely willing to give it a go. I tried, but it was too painful. I cannot share in such a way with someone I am truly in love with.

I see true love as a soul mate type of thing which is about personal growth along a life journey...which requires some sacrifice at times...as do all great things in life.

I do see how your scenario could be easier to accomplish if there was love/caring and openness...but not wanting to be exclusive. To me, there'd be something missing in the bond or union. But, that's just me.

 

[Ehren]

Bro, that's a tough one. It can work, but not with love involved IMO.

I've been there and from my own experience, it didn't work. I had a best friend, hot as hell, and she liked girls. I didnt "love" her as a real thing with a future, too flaky and bi (this makes things unpredictable). She was just a hot friend I had sex with. So her other relationship(s) didn't matter.

Well, she introduced me to her friend as a a "fun thing" and, you guessed it. STRAIGHT downhill from there, man, on her part. Big mistake. Introducing a
3rd party makes it messy.

Part of being with someone is that you like/love/prefer them to all others. I still find it hard. I love women, but one good one has got to be enough.

If your girl (either one) told you that she loved another guy and loved having sex with him, not more than with you, but just as much, would you find it offensive or become jealous? If not, you are a better man than most. More realistically, you probably are not in love with her.

If you're not jealous, even a little, maybe you don't love one of them, bro.

If you love them and want to do this, and let them know, and by some miracle they accept it, they must NEVER meet. The saying goes "Familiarity breeds contempt". You must never talk about them to each other, in fact you must refuse to do so when questioned. Knowing is one thing, hearing about it makes them imagine too much and seeing it in action, well, that'll be the end.

Im 35, man. The above has been my experience. Dont make my mistakes. Good luck, Bro!

 

[cpesloco]

subscribe, interesting points on everything. good read.

 

[jaygee]

i think u can make this work ... now living under the same roof good luck ... this is how i see it and have experienced it in the past ... you pretty much have your girl/wife/fiance what ever u wanna call it .. and she lives with you .. then you have the other chick who is totally aware of ur situation and knows ur marital status .. and is fine with it ... it think you need to straighten out ur priorities to make this work .. u have to realize the one u live with comes FIRST .. then anything after that ... is if you have time ... don't know if that made any sense ... anyways good luck

 

[OuchThatHurts]

This is also largely a cultural thing. Many countries and even groups, religious or otherwise, have multiple wives. In India, woman have multiple husbands. Other groups (e.g. Judeo-Christian) people believe in monogamy. There's a lot of debate about it from a biological and psychological perspective. I have mixed emotions about it.

I doubt any relationship that's based on singular partners or ownership like husband and wife or even gf/bf would be able to survive the feelings of betrayal and jealousy over your possession.

p.s. I have have never seen it work out. Not once. Even with people who were VERY open.

 

[Sal Paradise]

Great thread and great replies by everyone.

I do think it could work though I don't know of anyone personally that has made it work.
I suppose largely based on the society we live in many who live this lifestyle as I'm sure there are many, would be hesitant to be open about it.

That being said I have been in the situation and was one of two men.
She was married and had a child with him and I was OK with all of it. I knew the situation, he did not.
The only thing that made it difficult was her not being 100% open about it and not sharing some of the benefits of having a bit more time with her.

I've also been in love with two women - her being one of them but the two of them could not accept it. I loved them both for different reasons but didn't love either one more than the other. They were both very different and hold a place in my heart for that reason specifically.

The jealousy part is a hard thing to get past but if you look at it logically it's a self made feeling. A man or woman in my case wanted to be with both people - not one more than the other but both because it is possible to love more than one person. You just love them for different reasons.

Like the OP said - there's not one person who can be 100% fullfilling for all one persons needs. To think that is setting yourself up for disappointment when that person can't live up to your expectations.

Now finding a woman who can be open enough about this sharded love, yet alone two would be very difficult regardless of if they're into other women or not.

The best that one could hope for is that there is a connection between the two of them as well or you'll have to keep two households if they go for it.
It's when they don't love one another that jealousy can start to rear it's ugly head.

And like OTH said - this is largely a cultural thing. It's not even a second thought in many places and religions. The Christian philosophy is what the US largely believes in and they are also the most judgemental in most cases.

Love is love and you can't control who you fall in love with.
You can shut yourself off from people who you will likely fall in love with and you can ignore it but what's the point?
To deprive yourself of another persons love simply because of society and other peoples beliefs?

If you can honestly be open with both of these women and they can be open with you and the other woman then there is no reason for this not to work.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT WILL LAST FOREVER.
Feelings can and do change and what happens tomorrow you may not have control over. But that doens't mean you should shut yourself off from how you feel.



Sal