Help with new relationship

[JRBD]

Hey guys, need a little help...theres this girl I've been seeing for about 2 months now and the first month it was amazing we both new that we where
meant for each other we both have everything in common training, eating music, movies and even weird habits it actually freaked us both out how
many things we have in common. Shes been hurt by 2 other guys in the past
one which was her fiance both had drug problems and would not get clean
and broke her heart. Well shes a personal trainer and she has a account online for background checks...I myself am a recovering addict... mostly painkillers which I have been clean for 5 1/2 yrs now. but she ran my background and saw I not only had a drug problem but also had around 8
arrest for a DWI, 2 poss offenses, 3 driving violations and a couple other things, no bad crimes....any way she checked all this on our first date and was waiting to see if I would come out and tell her..and on the 3rd date I did tell her that I had a drug problem and I was clean now. And she says now that that was a big plus but she's now having thoughts about moving foward
because shes looking in the future and if we get married or what ever she thinks I'll go back to using...this girl is amazing and I'm in love with her already..I've never fell this fast for anyone and shes said the same...but she keeps saying she can't get past my drug past and worrying that I will start using again...I've swore to her I would go to her first and go to treatment or what ever...we are still talking and trying to work threw this but any advice from you guys would be appreciated...I don't want to lose this girl!

 

[BillHilton]

Ok, first I completely understand. The last thing was 5 1/2 years ago, and nothing since? How old are both of you?

It is good that she is being honest about having a problem with your past, because that means she respects you enough to be honest.

But, especially depending on your age this may be a warning sign. In other words, if at my age -- 49 -- I had a similar past that ended at 44, I think a woman would be very justified to be concerned. But if you are 24, then 5.5 years was 25% of your life ago, and we all fucked up at that age, just depends on how much and if we got caught. If she is riding you about that she may as well ride you that you shit your diapers when you were a baby.

Now for my advice on how not to lose her. Man up. Accept the fact that she might go away and get comfortable with that. Then look her in the eye and tell her that you are personally regretful that you made some mistakes, but you are very comfortable with your self now. You will not apologize to her when you did her no wrong. Tell her politely that she either likes you as you are now, or she doesn't. Do not add fuel to the fire by going wimp and begging her like a little boy to not leave you. Tell yourself than her that it would her loss. If the relationship goes on, you CANNOT allow this to be held over your head in any way.

Good luck and keep moving forward with your life. Never allow anyone else to define who you are. YOU make your life choices based on your free will as a man.

 

[sluggy]

Realistically you do have a drug problem of a different kind. I'd suggest explaining your current addiction.
There's only one way to go. Give it a try or live with the looming what if it worked forever. It's up to you two to decide.
Often if it's "meant to be" as you say then true love will still be there in a month or year from now, even if you're not together.


Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk 2

 

[matt1164]

You should get reputation defender.

But imo I think you already lost her. I hope I'm wrong.

all you can do is be yourself and hopefully she sees that your over your past problems and its a non issue.

 

[incbb]

amazing she can just click a button and get your personal history

if you were a convicted murderer of child abuser thats diffeent

anways i will tell you this

START MINGLING AND GETTING MORE GIRLS IN YOUR CIRCLE AS OPTIONS BECAUSE SHE IS

If she takes a hike and by her detective type ways i can bet my life shes secretly has her eyes open to other men who can guarantee her stability in the long term

Dont invest anymore or your prone to crash if she walks

trust me on this


incbb

 

[Overwatch]

There really isnt anything you can do. You've done the right thing by telling her the truth up front. She, however, has been hurt by people like you in the past and she may not be able to get past it. You just have to be honest with yourself that it may not work out for her and its not your fault. It's hard to put blame on her either because she can't change the hurt she had in the past.

 

[JRBD]

Thanks for the replies guys...I just got off the phone with her..we talked for an hour...the main thing thats bothering her now is that I told her I had a drug problem and I had been to jail..and thats all I said because thats really
the whole of it..well at the time I didn't know she had my whole record and
she said shes been waiting for me to come out with all the rest of the things
on my arrest record...shes been asking like " so tell me more about you".. shes
asked that like 5 times in the past few weeks but I'm thinking other stuff in
my life and she never specified drug and arrest history so she says we need to start all over because she thinks I was trying to hide the rest when I was
not...I pleaded with her " why didn't you be more specific"? and she kept
saying that she should not have to be...so she thinks I was trying to hide it
when I really was not.. I didn't know she had everything on paper... I think
its over....all she says is we need to start over... I was honestly not trying
to hide the rest.

 

[incbb]

1. dont act needy
2. dont act as if your afraid to lose her
3. let her see you busy doing things and socializing
4. stop explaining yourself

you seem like a good man, let her earn that from you



incbb

 

[raw33man]

she is probably moved on...

don't be needy is all I can tell you... leave her alone and she might come to you

 

[pesty4077]

If you take AAS, you are screwed in this relationship. She will see it as being an addict. This girl does background checks? You are not going to be able to hide anything form her, Period! She already had 1 drug addict in her life and she hated that. I don't care how long you been clean with that record. She will keep bringing this up. My advice, I be surprised if this works out long term. Date other girls too and don't get so emotional, so fast.

 

[jm425]

She's already made up her mind about you. Time to move on.

 

[JRBD]

Thanks for the replys guys, it sucks not having anyone to run these
things by,thanks...and Bill H. I'm 35 and she's 30 I have been clean since the
summer when I was 28 1/2 yrs old... I have no urge to go back to that
nightmare of a life having to live with a pill bottle in my pocket.

 

[jaltb4k]

if i were you,i would tell her that i didnt tell her not because i was trying to hide anything......its just that is something your not proud of and you worked your ass off to leave it in the past. i would also tell her,you are NOT her ex....and to be honest bro...she sounds like she is too stuck on what her ex did to her to give you a real chance. all of those feelings she fealt about him will gradually become feelings about you. you need to make a stand to her about it and either move forward together or you need to move on. whats in the past is in the past.

 

[incbb]

the simple fact she ran a background check on you means that as long as your with her all your actions will be looked at under a microscope.

be honest and good to yourself and cut this bitch loose



incbb

 

[Gators]

The truth is the only way, and that's all you can do is be completely honest, and things will sort out the way they're 'sposed to.

 

[Cerberus777]

If I ever dated a girl that needed to know all my bad history in the first 2months together... I'd drop her quick. We all make mistakes. Weall do things we regret...but we don't need to relive them every time we meet someone... The first few months " tell me more about yourself" is meant for favorite colors and such small things... You have a right to gaurd your past from people who could use it to hurt you. I think she over stept her boundries

 

[Bro]

I tell you what, If I was with a girl who did a background check on me (facebook is fine) I would kick her to the curb and tell her to mind her own god damn bees wax.

 

[matt1164]

Just blow her off. Theres other girls out there.

 

[JRBD]

Thanks again for all the replies guys...A lot of you are saying the same
thing that I'm thinking its pissed me off that she would check my background
like that before even meeting me and then using that as a check list to see
if I would tell her everything on their....

But to give a little more on her she was a strait A+ student, never did drugs
grew up in a strict southern baptist household.. So I try to understand her
side...And like I said this girl is amazing she make six figures, she gorgeous,
she won my states beauty pagent in 03, went to national and was 7th in the
country, she competes in figure and has won many state titles as well as placed 4th at the usa's or nationals a few yrs ago ..unbelieveable body,
great personallity, and we got along great till this shit... for ex. addicts like
myself who have fought to get clean and change your life I know you can
fell my fustration when I have to re live it.. but just like a few have said
if she can trust that I've changed and I was'nt trying to hide "the rest of my
history" from her.. then she is not the one for me...

 

[Bro]

you gotta tell her, if she loves you she has to take a leap of faith and trust you. If she can't do that (and if you can't do that for her) the relationship has no chance in hell.