Help with new relationship

[incbb]

Thanks again for all the replies guys...A lot of you are saying the same
thing that I'm thinking its pissed me off that she would check my background
like that before even meeting me and then using that as a check list to see
if I would tell her everything on their....

But to give a little more on her she was a strait A+ student, never did drugs
grew up in a strict southern baptist household.. So I try to understand her
side...And like I said this girl is amazing she make six figures, she gorgeous,
she won my states beauty pagent in 03, went to national and was 7th in the
country, she competes in figure and has won many state titles as well as placed 4th at the usa's or nationals a few yrs ago ..unbelieveable body,
great personallity, and we got along great till this shit... for ex. addicts like
myself who have fought to get clean and change your life I know you can
fell my fustration when I have to re live it.. but just like a few have said
if she can trust that I've changed and I was'nt trying to hide "the rest of my
history" from her.. then she is not the one for me...

she's borderline crazy herself, for her not get with a straight edge guy in her social group speaks volumes, this chick has some damage/baggage bof her own somewhere


incbb

 

[cal]

She is smart to be cautious. Even your post about 8 duis and your somewhat casual way of implying nothing dangerous...sorry 8 dui arrests is absurd. That's a danger to society.

But I'm sure ppl will say it's insensitive.

 

[JRBD]

She is smart to be cautious. Even your post about 8 duis and your somewhat casual way of implying nothing dangerous...sorry 8 dui arrests is absurd. That's a danger to society.

But I'm sure ppl will say it's insensitive.

You need to read again "8 total arrest in my life" not 8 dui.. my god..LOL
I've only had 1 DWI in my life

 

[cal]

Haha. My bad. Reading in bathroom half asleep.

Doesn't sound good having so much drama so soon is all I can say...

 

[incbb]

he"s a bad boy, women that shit.




incbb

 

[Bigwimp]

You need to read again "8 total arrest in my life" not 8 dui.. my god..LOL
I've only had 1 DWI in my life

Glad you cleared that up because I read it and the way it is worded makes it sound like 8 for DWI plus the others you listed after that

 

[jaltb4k]

there approx 7 BILLION people in this world. of those,i would guess half are women. thats 3.5 BILLION women out there....the right relationship will be about love for each other,not about stupid mistakes in your past. she may look good on paper.....but if she makes you question if your a dirtbag.....she ISNT the one for you.

 

[renewlyf]

Glad you cleared that up because I read it and the way it is worded makes it sound like 8 for DWI plus the others you listed after that

Yea with 8 DWI you should still be in prison.

I've had 2 duis and spent 4 months in jail. I also have a domestic violence conviction that I barely remember the event, it was also my 2nd dui (in less than a month, arrested by the same police officer). I was a danger to society and myself back then!! I'm not proud of the many of the things I've done. However a computer back ground check does not paint an accurate picture of the man I am today.

A man can change but we can't excpect everyone to accept it. We just go on doing the best we can today and hope that we are judged, not by our past but our present actions. My wife ( started dating in 2005, which is also the women involved in the DV charge) saw me through a lot of my bull shit. I didn't treat her very well all the time. She shared something with me on my 2 year sobriety birthday. She told me she stayed with me, at the end (the last year before I got sober) because she thought I would die if she didn't take care of me. She made a deal with God that if she saw me through what I was going through, that someday he would put a man in her life that would love her and treat her the way she deserved to be treated (she went into more detail but you get the idea). She told me that night, that I had become so much more of a man than the one she prayed for!! So we are not held down by our past actions!!

Her doing a background check on you before you even get to know each other is a big red flag. I had a girl do that to me before. At that time i had one minor arrest for disorderly conduct. When she mentioned the background check, I walked out of the restuarant!! Deal over!

Trust between two people is built over time! Not based on a computer printout!

Question for you; How did you get sober? Rehab, 12 Steps?

 

[incbb]

a computer printout is correct!

what if by some fluke it had him isted as a child molester

In the USA your privacy is/was a thing of the past


incbb

 

[JRBD]

Yea with 8 DWI you should still be in prison.

I've had 2 duis and spent 4 months in jail. I also have a domestic violence conviction that I barely remember the event, it was also my 2nd dui (in less than a month, arrested by the same police officer). I was a danger to society and myself back then!! I'm not proud of the many of the things I've done. However a computer back ground check does not paint an accurate picture of the man I am today.

A man can change but we can't excpect everyone to accept it. We just go on doing the best we can today and hope that we are judged, not by our past but our present actions. My wife ( started dating in 2005, which is also the women involved in the DV charge) saw me through a lot of my bull shit. I didn't treat her very well all the time. She shared something with me on my 2 year sobriety birthday. She told me she stayed with me, at the end (the last year before I got sober) because she thought I would die if she didn't take care of me. She made a deal with God that if she saw me through what I was going through, that someday he would put a man in her life that would love her and treat her the way she deserved to be treated (she went into more detail but you get the idea). She told me that night, that I had become so much more of a man than the one she prayed for!! So we are not held down by our past actions!!

Her doing a background check on you before you even get to know each other is a big red flag. I had a girl do that to me before. At that time i had one minor arrest for disorderly conduct. When she mentioned the background check, I walked out of the restuarant!! Deal over!

Trust between two people is built over time! Not based on a computer printout!

Question for you; How did you get sober? Rehab, 12 Steps?

Hey renewlyf, what a great story and a great way to look at it I just might
copy and paste it and send this to her.....By the way..my last 3 month stint
in jail I went thru 12 steps and after being clean that long which was the longest in 15yrs I stayed strong and have been clean ever since....she keeps thinking that I go back to....but I want a wife, kids, to settle down..I'm dunn with all the drugs and partying bullshit..never again that shit ruined my life...
but thanks again for the repy man as well as everyone else.. yall have no idea
how much just talking to you guys and hearing different stories and opinions has helped me deal with this...thanks again guys..

 

[incbb]

Hey renewlyf, what a great story and a great way to look at it I just might
copy and paste it and send this to her.....By the way..my last 3 month stint
in jail I went thru 12 steps and after being clean that long which was the longest in 15yrs I stayed strong and have been clean ever since....she keeps thinking that I go back to....but I want a wife, kids, to settle down..I'm dunn with all the drugs and partying bullshit..never again that shit ruined my life...
but thanks again for the repy man as well as everyone else.. yall have no idea
how much just talking to you guys and hearing different stories and opinions has helped me deal with this...thanks again guys..

Get a solid career going first, then while your doing that start looking for a new partner, have all the chips lined up in your court then commit

Last thing you want to do is settle down with someone only to have it get shattered again if things go south and boom back on the tic tacs


incbb

 

[renewlyf]

Hey renewlyf, what a great story and a great way to look at it I just might
copy and paste it and send this to her.....By the way..my last 3 month stint
in jail I went thru 12 steps and after being clean that long which was the longest in 15yrs I stayed strong and have been clean ever since....she keeps thinking that I go back to....but I want a wife, kids, to settle down..I'm dunn with all the drugs and partying bullshit..never again that shit ruined my life...
but thanks again for the repy man as well as everyone else.. yall have no idea
how much just talking to you guys and hearing different stories and opinions has helped me deal with this...thanks again guys..

JR,
One thing you could suggest to her is; she read the AA Big Book. It really shows the miracle of how people can change and have a wonderful life free of all substances if they have the desire to do so. It will give her an understanding about the things you and her have gone through in the past.

My personal feeling is; her insecurities are a greater threat to a long lasting relationship than your past issues. I'm not saying it wouldn't work. I'm a true believer that anyone can change!! But they have to want to and have to recognize their issues!

If you want to have a beautiful life with that someone special and a family. Don't force things! Let them happen as they are meant to.

 

[Gators]

Hey renewlyf, what a great story and a great way to look at it I just might
copy and paste it and send this to her.....By the way..my last 3 month stint
in jail I went thru 12 steps and after being clean that long which was the longest in 15yrs I stayed strong and have been clean ever since....she keeps thinking that I go back to....but I want a wife, kids, to settle down..I'm dunn with all the drugs and partying bullshit..never again that shit ruined my life...
but thanks again for the repy man as well as everyone else.. yall have no idea
how much just talking to you guys and hearing different stories and opinions has helped me deal with this...thanks again guys..

The statistics show staying involved in a recovery program greatly increases the chances of staying sober, and without a Program, the odds are greatly stacked against staying sober.

Lived this, got drug free 23 years ago, but didn't go thru recovery and / or stay in a recovery program. managed to moderate alcohol intake for quite a few years, but eventually the wheels came of, now about 3.5yrs sober. I wished i had listened 23 years ago and got involved in a program.

Just my experience, strength, and hope.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

A background check? Jesus.

In any relationship, it involves giving of yourselves to each other. No point entering into a relationship if you're not a "whole" person yourself. Otherwise, the other person ends up carrying your portion of the relationship workload and the residual baggage of mistrust and whatever else held over from previous FAILURES.

That being said, tell this girl a therapist told YOU to do a background check on her. What he discovered is that HER background is so filled with shattering mistakes that she has serious trust issues and is still carrying the baggage of former failures of her own into new relationships.

...and all of that is just not going to work for you. And then wait for your phone to ring. If it doesn't, you dodged a bullet. If it does, you might just have yourself a girl willing to accept someone and love someone for WHO THEY ARE as an individual and not the sum total of the successes and mistakes they've made in their life.

Good Lord...

 

[Bro]

have you dumped her yet bro?

 

[JRBD]

No...I we have not talked in 5 days I'm working out of town right now...but
she's saying she need s to take a step back and think about this....I'm not
putting my life on whole for this shit....I told her many time..I can't change my past and I never meant to keep the "rest of my background" from her....
even though she had it already...

 

[JRBD]

No... we have not talked in 5 days I'm working out of town right now...but
she's saying she need s to take a step back and think about this....I'm not
putting my life on whole for this shit....I told her many times..I can't change my past and I never meant to keep the "rest of my background" from her....
even though she had it already...

 

[renewlyf]

A background check? Jesus.

In any relationship, it involves giving of yourselves to each other. No point entering into a relationship if you're not a "whole" person yourself. Otherwise, the other person ends up carrying your portion of the relationship workload and the residual baggage of mistrust and whatever else held over from previous FAILURES.

That being said, tell this girl a therapist told YOU to do a background check on her. What he discovered is that HER background is so filled with shattering mistakes that she has serious trust issues and is still carrying the baggage of former failures of her own into new relationships.

...and all of that is just not going to work for you. And then wait for your phone to ring. If it doesn't, you dodged a bullet. If it does, you might just have yourself a girl willing to accept someone and love someone for WHO THEY ARE as an individual and not the sum total of the successes and mistakes they've made in their life.

Good Lord...

Some good free "Professional" adivse there!! OuchThatHurts is, I believe a Psychologist.

No...I we have not talked in 5 days I'm working out of town right now...but
she's saying she need s to take a step back and think about this....I'm not
putting my life on whole for this shit....I told her many time..I can't change my past and I never meant to keep the "rest of my background" from her....
even though she had it already...

Bro you told her all that needed to be said for that point of the relationship. Probably more than you needed to, only because she baited you, because she already knew everything. So let the chips fall as they will.

If she is going to let your past effect her than that's on her. You've done what you needed to do to change the person you were, to the person you are now. You're done with your past!!!!

 

[BillHilton]

JRBD -- DO NOT CHASE HER.

 

[JRBD]

Yea...I haven't talked,emailed or texted her in 5 days now bill...I'm working out of town now and will not be home till wednesday...I,m waiting to see if
she tries to get in touch and see what she has to say....