How do you "get over" something

[hngrygrl]

hello. When something in any of your lives happens that changes you, how do you get over it? I am harboring some major anger/denial issues for various things in my life and I need to find a way to get over them. Ive tried counseling (she was waaaayy to expensive) but I have thought about EPA or getting a life coach (the EPA is free and the coach is discounted bc i work in healthcare). I need a way to channel my thoughts to make them better. I'm very good and thinking negative thoughts that havent even happend yet and then BOOM! they happen sooner or later. I think i need to read that secret book.
Anyways, before I started rambling on this whoe is me tale.....how do you channel your thoughts and get over something? How do you meditate? I cant get my damn brain to shut off some nights so I can go to sleep. If this is all just incoherence psycho bable, sorry. TIA
Lindsay--

 

[flexmaster]

lindsay

i have found that when i talk about the situation i helps me. the good thing about this counseling forum is that you can say WHATEVER you are feeling without the fear of being judged or ashamed. so i would encourage you to be as specific here as you feel comfortable.

as far as your mind racing at night, i have had the same thing many times, and one thing that helps me is to do either very deep controlled breathing or progressive muscle relaxation (where you tense, hold, relax every muscle in your body moving progressively from calves to neck until you are flexing your entire body on the last tense.) i hope this helps you

 

[thebrick]

For me, it is the realization that nobody has a perfect life. I can't control other people or what life may bring my way. I can control how I think and react to it though. So if something bad happened to you last year, remind yourself, you cannot turn back the clock. It's futile and frustrating. You don't have to catch the ball. For me, its training the way I think until it becomes a habit. Its about having respect for yourself and acknowledging you are worth a good life without anger or bitterness. If you feel anger or anxiety coming on, talk to a friend about it, go for a walk, read a book, go to the gym, listen to some relaxing music, or simply push it out of you head and focus on something good that's going on in your life.

 

[Dad]

Hngry,

This is my personal experience based on more decades on the planet than I'll admit to, NOT professional advice. With that disclaimer out of the way:

My personal feeling is that people don't "get over" anything. If something makes a big enough impression, it's there to stay. I think what we do is attempt to live with it the best we can.

Certainly things like those mentioned already can help us cope, but I don't think we get over things and go back to the way our heads and lives were before our event took place. I think our outlook and lives are irrevocably changed - this is NOT always a bad thing - and there's no going back.

Again, just my non-professional, 2 cents based upon my personal experiences...

 

[strongmind]

Hi Lindsay,

Since you mentioned meditation specifically, I thought I would share these website links with you. I have used them myself. The first one is geared toward business-minded individuals, but can be used by anyone feeling stressed out by life in general. The second one gives you meditation scripts that you can read yourself or have someone read to you.

It just takes practice and focusing on the HERE AND NOW, without judgment, and without feeling pressured to do or say anything - to just be.

Good luck!

Natalie

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_06.htm

**broken link removed**


Disclaimer: This should in no way be seen as medical or professional advice. This is me simply helping someone who asked a question about meditating. Since I have had some personal experience with meditation, I thought I would share.

hello. When something in any of your lives happens that changes you, how do you get over it? I am harboring some major anger/denial issues for various things in my life and I need to find a way to get over them. Ive tried counseling (she was waaaayy to expensive) but I have thought about EPA or getting a life coach (the EPA is free and the coach is discounted bc i work in healthcare). I need a way to channel my thoughts to make them better. I'm very good and thinking negative thoughts that havent even happend yet and then BOOM! they happen sooner or later. I think i need to read that secret book.
Anyways, before I started rambling on this whoe is me tale.....how do you channel your thoughts and get over something? How do you meditate? I cant get my damn brain to shut off some nights so I can go to sleep. If this is all just incoherence psycho bable, sorry. TIA
Lindsay--

 

[MMAGorilla]

hngrygrl,

I've recently had to explore this question myself, so I thought I'd share a few lessons learned.

First, I agree 100% with Dad, in that you don't get over anything, it will always be a part of who you are. Having said that, I beleive that you get to choose what that event means to you. I used good questions as my tool to extract the positive from what happened. I asked myself "How can I use this to be better?", and "How does this bring me closer to my goals?". At first, you may not be able to answer these, but with time, consistantly asking, you will squeeze the positive out of it.

Second, every night before bed, I've been looking at my goals, asking these questions, and then visualizing myself accomplishing my goals.

These two things have really helped to focus my mind on going forward instead of turning around in circles. I've got a lot of anger also, but I find that with the right focus, the anger actually works like racing fuel, propelling me FORWARD! Hope this helps

 

[aquaholic]

I agree with Dad.


Oh, FYI, anyone can be a 'life coach'.
It doesn't require much. So just keep that in mind.

 

[Sassy]

I agree with Dad too. I don't think you fully get over something. It seems like the old saying "time heals..." is some what true. Over time it doesn't seem to hurt as bad, but these experiences are what molds us and even makes us smarter and stronger.

I find working out helps. However, I do have times where you just can't turn your mind off at night too. I just try not to dwell on things especially if they are negative. When I'm having a hard time, I try to focus on what is good in my life... and I say a lot of prayers.

Something else I do if things are so bad and they seem to overwhelm me. I
take it one day (or hour) at a time. Especially if it seems too overwhelming to look to the future then I just try to get through the day.

Now when I'm having a difficult time, I can look bad at the darkest time in my life and think back on how I made it though. Now I feel like there is nothing as bad as that time, and I'm strong enough to make it through anything.

Hope things get better for you soon...

 

[oldfella]

Dad and others here are correct. If it is bad enough it will have a profound and lasting affect. So you will never fully get over it. I try to find a positive out of all the negativity and then try to turn the situation around the other way. Like Sassy, I too think back on my darkest hours and then use those as a kind of comparision for the current times. It then does not seem as bad as I had made ot out to be. I use my training to clear my thought for that time and let the rush of training overwhelm me. I then can think quite differently after I have finished. As for the night time not sleeping, believe it or not drink a warm, not hot glass of milk and start to read or watch a movie, it will take your mind off of your current thoughts and you will calmly drift off to sleep. Most of all try not to let the troubles consume you, that is not a good thing!

 

[buffbabeca]

What a great thread.... im going through some of this right now.. and I think that reality is like a few others said.. you dont ever "get over it" you just learn to deal/cope with the fact that is happened and it becomes a part of "who" you are. Im trying my best to work through this stuff right now and just have to have faith that I will see a light at the end of the tunnel in the midst of all the pain/anger/hurt. Feel free to PM me hngry if u need a friend sweetie.

 

[cvictorg]

You would be surprised how much one can stand - you will never know until you have to endure it - for me my worst period was when my late wife passed away from cancer on 9/4/01 and the Trade Center was attacked a week later - when the city was shut down I couldn't even retreive her ashes from the funeral parlor until a few weeks later when they opened the area below Canal Street for 1 day - I though I was going to die - I lost alomost 35 pounds and would curse and scream if I was alive the next morning - my best friend talked me out of killing myself at the lowest pojnt when I was sitting in my living room holding a knif and trying to decide what veins to cut - wrist, throat or something else - from that point on the will to live took over and a little over a year later somthing happend that IO never thought would - I met, fell in love with and got married again - but there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my Gloria - what I'm tryin to say is you will always remember the bad things but they will recede into the background if you just live life and let the healing process take time

 

[VanR__]

It would really depend on what you're trying to get over.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

hngry and buffbabe,

The two of you should definitely be talking to each other about some of this shit. Arrange something. A phone call is much cheaper than the 200 an hour for a therapist. I think you both just need to vent and talk about the people and places you are in right now that are, and listen closely, EXTREMELY BAD FOR YOU.

I say this because you are both far too young, far too intelligent, and far too important to continue to waste your lives on things that, quite frankly, are a waste of your valuable time. Cmon...I need to see some of that girl power here... Sooner or later you are going to have to put the pieces back together and decide what options you have going forward. The future is bright for both of you but you have to get back out into the sunlight.

Meditate. Take walks in the country. Catch a movie. Even if you don't find it enjoyable at first, keep getting out. And for the love of Christ, stay away from drugs and alcohol and anyone who is involved with them in any way. Take all the time in the world to grieve but grieve while doing something. Something healthy and meaningful TO YOU.

I'm not speaking here as a therapist, I'd say this to any one of my female friends. I start to question the state of your mental health when you continually and intentionally walk back into these situations (or whatever you call them).

 

[JustWannaBeHuge]

The only way to ever get over anything is to have it wiped from your mind, and since that isn't likely to happen, its just best to understand certain things you have no control over. Learn from the past, don't make the same mistakes twice, don't try to *get over it*, but deal with it. Don't let the issue, no matter what it is, control who you are today, or who you'll be tomorrow.

That's what I have been trying to do.

I wish you the best.

Rob

 

[buffbabeca]

OTH thanks for your kind words... and i know what u mean... i am working on it one day at a time... I will get there.. its just hard to learn to live your life without someone who is such a big part of your heart and soul.

WannaBeHuge- you are very right in saying that u shouldnt let your past control you but it will always be a part of you... many things we go through form what we want/desire in our future.. you learn many lessons through the trial/tribulations of life.

 

[Sassy]

OTH that was some very good advise...

Linsey and Buffbabe... sometimes you just got to quite asking yourself "why me?" and trying to understand the why. Somethings that happen to us are just not meant for us to understand. We just have to accept it and like OTH said put the pieces back together and move on.

Like cvictorg must have asked why countless times, but he did move on and found happiness again.

One thing is for sure, nothing is guaranteed... things can happen that can change your life in an instant. But also remember just like something bad can come along and mess up your life, so can something good...

I wish both of you the best...

PM me if you need too chat...

 

[EVERLAST]

doors....

as one door closes, another door opens.......................eventually.
Sometimes we just get impatient waiting for the damn door to open.
Some things that happen which we percieve as bad at the time, are actually good for us in the long run. A bad relationship ends and we see it as the end of the world, and in reality it is only the beginning of a new and better life with a better relationship.
Try to see the positive aspects of life.
Try to see the opportunities that present themselves.
Everything does happen for a reason.
We just don't always see it at first

 

[hwood]

I usually seek to understand and then seek forgiveness. We are all failable and everyone of us has been given an issue or challenge to deal with personally - be it drugs, alcohol, abuse, infidelity,etc,etc. When I say to forgive someone I don't mean to alway choose to forgive then forget and move on. Somethings are so hurtful and painful, they can never be forgiven, however, time does heal and it is possible to forgive, learn and continue. It will never ever be the same, but in some cases it can become even better if you can admit you had your faults as well.

If you CAN find the personal strength to forgive then you can make the perfect decision on what to do regarding ANY situation. If you can make a decision with a clear head, clear eyes, without vengence or bitterness; If you can make your decision with love and joy in your heart then you can make the perfect decision for you and everyone around you.

A snakebit has never killed anyone - it's merely two needle like pricks that peirce the skin and hurts like hell. What has killed millions of people from snakebites is the poison that is released and allowed to circulate thruout the bloodstream and nervous systems. Snakebits without anti-venom is in many cases deadly. Emotional snakebits are best cured by acceptance and forgiveness, and purging the toxic thoughts that can be carried on way to long in many cases. Life is short - Rock on.

 

[fsm]

I know that I can be a victim or I can be in control of my life.
An illustration:
I was at a seminar on taking control of my life, and on my way home I was cut off by a driver not paying attention. I missed hitting the car by inches. Before I took the seminar I would have spent the next two days cursing out the stupid driver. It would have been my major focus of conversation, how I was almost a victim of a car accident. But I had just learned some new tools one of which was to take responsibility for whatever happens to me. Change the focus from the stupid driver to ME. And it I thought Wow! I've got some pretty darn good reflexes. I didn't hit that car because of MY skills. And in two seconds I was feeling as if I had won a marathon.

This may seem like a trivial example but with practice I have applied it to my divorce, illness and other problems

Life is going to give us lemons, it's up to us to make it into lemonade.

I hope this helps.