im the other jerk at chuck e cheese

ssdark1 · Jun 4, 2009

well, i just finished reading through BIGDM's thread and it gave me a lot of insight into my own current situation.

i met mt gf almost 2 years ago while she was in the middle of a divorce and fell in love w her faster than i knew was possible. she's incredible. should i have respected that her marriage wasnt officially over and stayed away? maybe. but i didnt, and if i could go back i wouldnt change it, so please no moral judgements.

my confusion comes from dealing w her ex. they have 2 amazing little girls together and i fully respect that he is their dad. im not trying to replace him, regardless, i am (as JT said in BIGDM's thread) the other jerk at chuck e cheese. this is all pretty new to me and i just dont know how to balance the situation. up til this point i have been cool w him coming over to hang out w his kids while im not there, but it is now very clear to me that he wants more than anything to be back with her. in the past he has been a total dick to her and their kids, now that they are gone he realized what he lost and is having major regrets.

reading the other thread made me realize the huge amount of pain he must be going through. i mean it is his fault but i can relate to doing dumb shit bc your young and dont yet realize what's important in life. i cant blame him for wanting her back bc she is a great girl and the mother of his 2 lil girls, BUT, she is now the love of my life and the girl i want to build a life with. so im not saying i all of a sudden feel sorry for the guy and want to give up whats most important to me, just that i understand where he may be coming from and want to handle the situation as it should be. i dont want to come between him and his kids but i dont really want his ass coming over to see the girls when i really think its just an excuse to see her.

my girl repects me and we are willing to mutually compromise to hopefully get to a point that is both comfortable for me, and more importantly healthy for the 2 girls. i know boundaries have to be set, im just not sure where?

sorry, this ended up being i little longer than i expected but thanks for reading. im looking forward to any advice from the good bros of PM...

J4CKT · Jun 5, 2009

Have you discussed this with your girl?

I would say the first thing to do would be to talk this through with your girl about how you feel about the situation and tell her that you are uncomfortable with him being around her..

Additionally how sure are you on her feelings for him - are there any?

Some suggestions would be:

-for him to visit the kids when she (or both of you) is out of the house
-take the kids out somewhere rather then sticking around with their stepdad (personally i would want to see my kids and have quality alone time with them, not with the mom+new dad there..)

ssdark1 · Jun 12, 2009

well thanks for the the reply j4ckt, anyone else? im really at a crossroads w this and not sure what to do.

be overly understanding?

give her an ultimatum that i dont want some other dick hanging out w my girl and he can just see the kids every other wkend?

get the fuck out while i can?

confused

ssdark1 · Jun 12, 2009

and to answer your question...yes i have discussed it w her, many times. it is the only thing we have ever gotten in a fight about. she says that she undestands my concerns but i should trust her bc she is only doing what she thinks is best for her kids.

part of me says that is understandable, part of me says fuck that shit, and a very small part of me says ive got to get out of this situation.

as for me being around when he is there...it just isnt an option. we very much dislike eachother and are both juiced up gym rats, so as stupid as it sounds, our egos will just not tolerate eachother.

ericraven2003 · Jun 12, 2009

ssdark1 said:
well thanks for the the reply j4ckt, anyone else? im really at a crossroads w this and not sure what to do.

be overly understanding?

give her an ultimatum that i dont want some other dick hanging out w my girl and he can just see the kids every other wkend?

get the fuck out while i can?

confused

She is stuck with this guy for along time because of the kids. You give her an ulitmatium and I gurantee you will loose. Kids are what counts first to her. My 2 cents.

Designbuilt · Jun 13, 2009

This is a tough one. Do you intend to marry her? Keep in mind that the court should have set a visitation schedule. That's usually what happends sometimes it's very vague.

What she needs is something spelled out. As far as him visiting in the house, that's unheard of. Usually it's every other weekend, from Friday after they get out of school (if they are in school) to sunday evening.

Now if you do decide to stick around, you really better think about this one, I know from experience. Because if you don't marry her and just cause no hope of her salvaging her previous relationship she will resent you.
This will go on until they are at least 18, btw.

Keep in mind that he is their father, and eventhough he only seems to care about the kids now and not so much before; you really don't know what his intentions are.

But he does have a legal right to see them, unless he did something aweful to suspend visitation.

Are you ready to pretty much give up all other women? An older lady once told me, that if you live with a woman who has kids your pretty much as good as married.

Chose wisely and Good luck

thebrick · Jun 13, 2009

The first thing that came to my mind...

If they are divorced, weren't there any visitation arrangements made? They are his children so you can't stop visits, and you don't want to, but it seems weird that they all hang out together at your girl's place. Usually in a visitation, he would pick the kids up and they would spend time together and he would return them home at a set time. Are the visits supposed to be supervised? If not, maybe she is enjoying his visits, like its "family" time again? Like it used to be? Maybe in a way, she doesn't want to completely let go or she even enjoys that?

ssdark1 · Jun 13, 2009

Now if you do decide to stick around, you really better think about this one, I know from experience. Because if you don't marry her and just cause no hope of her salvaging her previous relationship she will resent you.
This will go on until they are at least 18, btw.

i realize that its easy to be naive in situations where strong emotion is involved but i have thought about this before and im convinced that even if we were not together she would not get back with him.

am i ready to give up all other women? i guess the honest answer to that is no, but i am capable of doing it. im almost 29 and ive had my share of attractive girls in the past, so i guess i feel like im at a point where i am ready and that what she adds to my life is worth doing that.

If they are divorced, weren't there any visitation arrangements made? They are his children so you can't stop visits, and you don't want to, but it seems weird that they all hang out together at your girl's place. Usually in a visitation, he would pick the kids up and they would spend time together and he would return them home at a set time. Are the visits supposed to be supervised? If not, maybe she is enjoying his visits, like its "family" time again? Like it used to be? Maybe in a way, she doesn't want to completely let go or she even enjoys that?

good points brick, and ones i have considered. visitation arrangements were made by the court but she thinks the girls should see their father more than that.

i should be clear...he doesnt come inside her house when he comes over to see them. fuck that, im not that understanding. i think she does enjoy his visits but not in some nostalgic family time way. she wants to be his friend and she eventually wants us to be friends but i just dont know about that. she always brings up demi moore, bruce willis and ashton kutcher as some model situation or something. ideally, i could see why she would want that but i think that is more the exception than the rule.

Designbuilt · Jun 13, 2009

It's good that you considered these things, but I wanted to add one more thing if you don't mind.

Think about the children as well, keep in mind that this will affect them. It's not fair to them if they get used to you, then you suddenly decide that the relationship is not for you; later you may also feel guilty leaving because of this.

So if you do decide to leave, the best advice that I can give you is to do it sooner than later, and do not under any circumstance stay with her out of spite for her ex.

I've been there as well, it's a bad move, because in the end you may be the one losing, he will move on and if that's one of the only reason that you stay you will regret it in the end.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

ssdark1 · Jun 13, 2009

Think about the children as well, keep in mind that this will affect them. It's not fair to them if they get used to you, then you suddenly decide that the relationship is not for you; later you may also feel guilty leaving because of this.

So if you do decide to leave, the best advice that I can give you is to do it sooner than later, and do not under any circumstance stay with her out of spite for her ex.

man...very insightful, i can tell you have been there. i appreciate you putting into words things that i know are true but have been unable to admit them.

i still dont know what the hell to do but i guess i just needed to talk about it so thanks to all who responded. anyone else with words of wisdom are more than welcome to post....

EVERLAST · Jun 14, 2009

ok...

I've been on both sides of this issue and maybe also in another way...
my brother fell in love with his now wife of 18 years while on duty in the Army in Louisiana.
She is gorgeous and sweet and came complete with a 13 month old baby.
Her ex was a jerk and had some money and influence and that is a bad combo. Long and the short is after a few scuffles he realized that there was no point in being a jerk. no point in missing out entirely on the girls childhood.
No point in getting killed and buried in several shallow holes in the swamp either.

I felt pretty bad about my girl having anybody for a stepdad.
Not part of my vocabulary. I got a real ass of guy too. Pompous and demanded rspect he didnt earn. A few confrontations between them and She came to live with me. But he didnt get killed either. No confrontations. No discussions. Just tension under the surface.

I dated a girl who had kids. I didnt know how to "be". I didnt want to be their new dad or anything and hey I'm mostly here for the mommas anyway

but you get those times where they ask you a homework question, or they have a problem and they ask you...and you are just the MAN.
Thats usually when their moms starts to look at you differently. Thats usually the night you get the deluxe special edition.
Mommas want their babies to have the best. The best dad and stepdad and best school and best deal. They want their kids to be taken care of by people who care and can understand the needs of a child.
kids need both parents. both to be active in their life and be SANE around them. (act like it anyway)

My exes drove me nuts! My exes dated strippers. My exes neglected my girl and took out anger for me on her. I had people in my life that I desperately wanted to kill on numerous occassions and would have been justified in the eyes of most everyone on several occassions if I had done so...but really now...
Justifiable?
no...
The point is all of this drama and turmoil and NOBODY even got hurt. Except feelings. If you love this girl and you think you do then...man up!
Be the man and let the dad be the dad. you are in new territory now.
Feel your way.

what is a little human suffering?
In measured hundred weight or penny pound...
if it is real. REAL. no REAL!
REAL LOVE AND SHE FEELS IT TOO AND SAYS SO.

If not... then I would run like hell and dont look back.

ssdark1 · Jun 15, 2009

if it is real. REAL. no REAL!
REAL LOVE AND SHE FEELS IT TOO AND SAYS SO.

If not... then I would run like hell and dont look back.

wise words and ones we should all heed in life. the problem is that REAL is hard to recognize in the present, the past is always so much clearer. i thought it was real with my last gf but now that we have been apart for a few years and are just good friends i now know that things would have never worked and its better that it ended when it did. but honestly, if a few key things didnt occur to help me realize that she wasnt right for me, i would probably still be with her, but it was obvious all along.

i consider myself a fairly level headed person who makes good decisions but when it comes to love...paralysis analysis.

this is a difficult situation for me, so many people's feelings and lives involved...

thanks for the words everlast.

EVERLAST · Jun 15, 2009

yes...

seeing it in realtime, live...
and so overwhelmingly in person...
yes it is hard to see.

I said this before and some folks misunderstood my meaning.
If she is yours and she is the one
and your are "destined to be together"
then nothing you do can screw it up.

So relax...breathe.
See if you can just let it happen and see what you think.
If it feels wrong and you see it coming then bail.
Run like hell.

I am always the last to know and the last to go.
I would have been better off to bail on a couple of those biotches.

JustWannaBeHuge · Jun 26, 2009

ssdark1 said:
i should be clear...he doesnt come inside her house when he comes over to see them. fuck that, im not that understanding. i think she does enjoy his visits but not in some nostalgic family time way. she wants to be his friend and she eventually wants us to be friends but i just dont know about that. she always brings up demi moore, bruce willis and ashton kutcher as some model situation or something. ideally, i could see why she would want that but i think that is more the exception than the rule.

Since I have experience being the guy going to pick up his daughter, I'm going to say it like this.... I'm not talking about *other peoples situations* just mine.

at first, i used to wait outside for my daughter to come out and her mother and I very rarely talked, which caused a great deal of stress, anxiety and sadness in our daughter.

as time went on, her mother and I worked out our differences and today I can say that we are friends. I go inside to get my daughter, talk to her mom for a bit, and her mom's b/f ect.....

Do I go out for beers with them? Nope. but we have a good relationship which is beneficial to the well being of our daughter, and that is the most important thing. Hell, i have even taken my girlfriend up into her moms house for them to meet... and they also get along good btw.

now here is my thought... and please don't be offended by this as I'm not saying it to be offensive towards you at all.

the most important part of this situation is what is best for those little girls. Its *very* important that they know that their parents are still *friends* and can talk maturely and peacefully with each other.

To be honest with you, I don't really like the fact that you said you wouldnt allow him to go into the house to get the girls. That is how my ex's b/f behaved at first and all it did was make me want to smash his skull in for butting his nose into my daughter's life when he didn't need to. That shows a lot of insecurity, IMO, and also caused a few situations with me and him.

Do you trust her? If so, what is the problem with him going into the house to say hi and get the girls? You need to put these children first, and if you're unable to do that, I would say that this type of situation isn't good for you to be in and you should bail out now before going in any deeper.

I have also dated women with children and when it was time for their dad to see them, I had 0 problems with him coming in and getting them for her house and saying hello to me. As long as he didn't say anything stupid or disrespectful towards me, there was never any problem.

If you really love her the way you say you do, do what is best for her and the children and don't interfere with the guy seeing his kids, as long as it's them he's going to see!

Now if you really believe that he's trying to make the moves on your girl, tell her everything how you feel. Don't get mad, talk as calmly as possible with her. Ask her to just hear you out, and listen to you for 5 minutes. Take that 5 minutes to tell her your thoughts, feelings ect... after you're done getting everything out, than have her reply, all of this should be said non-confrontational and in an environment where you both feel *safe and secure*.

But as someone else said, if you tell her to chose, if she's a good mother... she'll chose what is best for her daughters as they are the most important ones in any decision she needs to make.

Good luck

ssdark1 · Jun 26, 2009

thanks for taking the time to post JWBH...you made alot of good points and i respect your opinion. i wasnt at all offended by anything you said, you just gave me what i asked for, honest opinions.

if her ex was really interested in his relationship w his daughters i would (and have in the past) put myself out of my comfort zone and be cool with him coming inside her house to pick them up. but that is not the case, he only wants anything to do with them if it will impress her or give him time with her. he has made that obviously clear to me, and now to her, through his actions.

i have tried sympathizing and compromising with the guy but all he does is attempt to manipulate her, the girls, and even sometimes me. he is not a positive influence in his daughters lives and makes no attempt to be...i cant respect that. im done comprimising.

JustWannaBeHuge · Jun 27, 2009

ssdark1 said:
thanks for taking the time to post JWBH...you made alot of good points and i respect your opinion. i wasnt at all offended by anything you said, you just gave me what i asked for, honest opinions.

if her ex was really interested in his relationship w his daughters i would (and have in the past) put myself out of my comfort zone and be cool with him coming inside her house to pick them up. but that is not the case, he only wants anything to do with them if it will impress her or give him time with her. he has made that obviously clear to me, and now to her, through his actions.

i have tried sympathizing and compromising with the guy but all he does is attempt to manipulate her, the girls, and even sometimes me. he is not a positive influence in his daughters lives and makes no attempt to be...i cant respect that. im done comprimising.

i understand completely, if that is what he's doing, he needs to be put in his place and she needs to understand how disrespectful it is to not only you, but to herself and the little ones.

good luck with it.

jdavid1139 · Jun 30, 2009

In these situations, I usually always put on my politicians hat and act like Barack Obama... or Ronald Reagan... Just pleasant as can be, but when you need to be stern, then you put on your Norman Schwartkoff (whatever the spelling) and let him have it... a little, but be respectful and understand he just wants his family back. Also, its probably up to her the most... She will have to tell him that its never going to happen... This would be the best for all parties involved...

MissyM · Sep 8, 2009

ssdark1 said:
well, i just finished reading through BIGDM's thread and it gave me a lot of insight into my own current situation.

i met mt gf almost 2 years ago while she was in the middle of a divorce and fell in love w her faster than i knew was possible. she's incredible. should i have respected that her marriage wasnt officially over and stayed away? maybe. but i didnt, and if i could go back i wouldnt change it, so please no moral judgements.

my confusion comes from dealing w her ex. they have 2 amazing little girls together and i fully respect that he is their dad. im not trying to replace him, regardless, i am (as JT said in BIGDM's thread) the other jerk at chuck e cheese. this is all pretty new to me and i just dont know how to balance the situation. up til this point i have been cool w him coming over to hang out w his kids while im not there, but it is now very clear to me that he wants more than anything to be back with her. in the past he has been a total dick to her and their kids, now that they are gone he realized what he lost and is having major regrets.

reading the other thread made me realize the huge amount of pain he must be going through. i mean it is his fault but i can relate to doing dumb shit bc your young and dont yet realize what's important in life. i cant blame him for wanting her back bc she is a great girl and the mother of his 2 lil girls, BUT, she is now the love of my life and the girl i want to build a life with. so im not saying i all of a sudden feel sorry for the guy and want to give up whats most important to me, just that i understand where he may be coming from and want to handle the situation as it should be. i dont want to come between him and his kids but i dont really want his ass coming over to see the girls when i really think its just an excuse to see her.

my girl repects me and we are willing to mutually compromise to hopefully get to a point that is both comfortable for me, and more importantly healthy for the 2 girls. i know boundaries have to be set, im just not sure where?

sorry, this ended up being i little longer than i expected but thanks for reading. im looking forward to any advice from the good bros of PM...