Instilling toughness in a young boy??? help . . .

[TooPowerful4u]

Ok, lil off bodybuilding topic, but i could use some help with my lil bro. All my life iv been a tough fearless kid. I pretty much feared nobody, could push myself through pain, would fight anybody, and was just mentally tough. So is my little sister. Now the problem lies with my little brother. He doesnt take after us. He is very highly skilled and has the potential to become an outstanding wrestler which could lead to him gettin a college scollarship in his future. He is 12yrs old, and hes just mentally a wimp and hes soft. I cant stand it and iv done everything i can possibly think of to toughen him up but with no success. If a kid gets in his face he backs down, even to smaller kids. My brother is a monster wrestler and unbelievably strong (hits pushups in sets of 100 at 12yrs old) yet for some reason hes a "pussy". HOW THE HELL DO I TOUGHEN HIM UP?! I pick on him, beat him up, throw him around, force him to endure pain, force him to do things hes afraid of because he knows when i mean business enough to do what i say. He remains a wimp though. I know some kids are just born tough and some are born wimps, but there has GOT to be a way. . . please help . . .

 

[SZona]

Keep in mind he is only 12. A very difficult time for adolescents...boys in particular. You have all kinds of self esteem, body image and confidence issues to deal with. Also I think maybe you have to re-examine your definition of WIMP. If he is able to flip the switch and still clean up on the mat...what is the problem? Surely you dont want him kicking the teeth in of every kid who confronts or challenges him. Alot of times in sports, however, that killer instinct is intrinsic...it comes from within. You either have it or you dont. Which explains why physically inferior athletes are often able to defeat those with superior ability or athletic gifts. Being that he is only 12, however, there is alot to still be determined. My advice, would be to not force the issue too much...let it develop naturally.

SZ

 

[mental1]

I would have to agree w/szona. He's only 12 years old! The best thing you can do for your little bro is to support him emotionally. When your constantly negative or maybe pushing someone....it can lead them to destruction in some aspect or another. They never gain the confidence in theirselves to succeed. I was very fortunate from the fact that I had a mother who was ALWAYS there for me while growing up. Needless to say never had a positive male role model in my life so she also had to play both roles. That was the cards I was dealt with and it has made me who I am now. I also agree that some people are just born with that drive inside of them. Some have it and some don't. As for me....I definitely have no regrets and I know that someday when I have children I will do the same for them and then some. Good luck toopowerful4u with your little bro....hope this insight helps Mental1

 

[JETHRO TULL]

I SEE IT ALL THE TIME AS WELL.....

I SEE KIDS IN SCHOOL WHO ARE BULLIED CONSTANTLY. I SOMETIMES WAIT BEFORE INTERVENING, JUST TO SEE WHAT DIRECTION IT'S GOING. MANY TIMES I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE KID WHO IS PLAYING THE VICTIM ROLE IS PUTTING UP WITH IT. I KEEP HOPING THEY WILL TAKE A STAND....UNFORTUNATELY MOST OF THE TIME...THEY KEEP TAKING GRIEF. I THINK IT'S A CHOICE. SOME KIDS JUST HAVE IT AND DON'T HAVE TO 'LEARN' IT. I HAVE SEEN IT HAPPEN IN FOOTBALL PRACTICE....ONE DAY FOR SOME REASON A KID WHO IS AFRAID TO GET TACKLED OR REALLY TRY HARD TO TACKLE THE RUNNING BACK, JUST DOES IT. THEY DROP THE RUNNING BACK. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACE SAYS IT ALL.....'HOLY SHIT, I CAN DO IT'...OR 'WOW, THAT'S FUN'.....ALL THE SUDDEN THEY REALIZE THEY CAN BE AN ASS KICKER, THEY CAN BRING THE PAIN! THEN LOOK OUT, YOU HAVE A MONSTER ON YOUR HANDS! SOMETIMES PEOPLE LIKE THAT ARE LOOKING TO MAKE UP FOR ALL THOSE YEARS OF TAKING SHIT AND FEELING LIKE A PUSSY.....SUDDENLY THEY HAVE ALL THE KILLER INSTINCT YOU WANT THEM TO HAVE. IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAPPEN THAT WAY THOUGH, SOME PEOPLE <KIDS> NEVER FIGURE IT OUT. ALL IS NOT LOST........HE HAS PLENTY OF TIME TO FIGURE IT OUT IF HE'S GOING TO. THAT'S JUST AN OPINION.

 

[DIEZEL666]

He is 12yrs old, and hes just mentally a wimp and hes soft. I cant stand it and iv done everything i can possibly think of to toughen him up but with no success. If a kid gets in his face he backs down, even to smaller kids. My brother is a monster wrestler and unbelievably strong (hits pushups in sets of 100 at 12yrs old) yet for some reason hes a "pussy". HOW THE HELL DO I TOUGHEN HIM UP?! I pick on him, beat him up, throw him around, force him to endure pain, force him to do things hes afraid of because he knows when i mean business enough to do what i say. He remains a wimp though. I know some kids are just born tough and some are born wimps, but there has GOT to be a way. . . please help . . .

What is your definition of tough? I went through BUD/S with some guys who would back down from any fight, but were some of the toughest men you would ever meet. In the right circumstance they would kill you without missing a beat. Why is the job of a 20yr old kid to beat up his 12 yr old brother to "toughen him up"? It sounds like you've got the issues, not him.

 

[big_byrd52]

if wrestling is his thing, find him a role model. someone to look up to and strive to be as good as them. for me it fred hatfield and eddie coan squatting. give him a goal to shoot for.

as for being tough, he shouldnt take alotta shit from people, but he doesnt have to be the one givin it either. alot of guys i know who can kick ass, dont. simply because they already know they can and have nothing to prove. the ones starting shit usually feel they have something to prove. if he is as good a wrestler as u say he is, then maybe he is in that first catagory. in any case, u try to force someone to do something, they will most likely steer the other way.

 

[TooPowerful4u]

Why is the job of a 20yr old kid to beat up his 12 yr old brother to "toughen him up"? It sounds like you've got the issues, not him.

You got it all wrong bro, my lil bro is one of my best friends. I sometimes ditch my friends to hang out with him or take him somewhere fun, we get along great. I just cant stand when i see him on the mat and a tough kid headbutts him or pulls a dirty move, and he gets scared n starts gettin cautious. Iv even seen him lose to an unskilled kid simply becuase he was afraid to get physical w the kid, the kid was very physical. I dont wanna see him be held back by fear. I pick on him hoping one day hel snap n just jaw me or something, that would make me happy and show me if hes not afraid to fight back against me, hel fear nobody. I dont want him PICKING on anybody, i just want him to not take poeples shit like he does. Hes physically gifted, i dont want this holdin him back. When i was his age i was a gifted wrestler, not as good as iv made him, but i didnt take poeples shit and i was tough. I feel if a kid is a wimp and weak, hes more likley to give up and quit and not strive through the pain and anguish and succeed.

 

[DIEZEL666]

I pick on him hoping one day hel snap n just jaw me or something, that would make me happy and show me if hes not afraid to fight back against me, hel fear nobody.

This just sounds like the sterotypical excuse of an abusive person. Were you picked on alot as a kid? What drives you to try to make your brother "better"? Outside of bodybuilding what else do you do? Byrd nailed it when he said the ones starting shit are usually the ones trying to prove something. What are you trying to prove?

 

[TooPowerful4u]

LOL here we go. Turn this around to make me look like a jerk. Number one im not an abusive person at all, ask anyone who knows me, im pretty damn well laid back. Two i was never picked on nor did i pick on anybody when i was younger, im not a fighter. Read my post, i dont want him pickin on anybody or else i would step in and correct him. I trained in fighting styles for fun, not cuase i planned on using it on poeple in street fights. Iv never felt i had to nor do i feel i still need to prove anything to anybody but myself. My drive to make him better is becuase i love him and it makes me feel great to see how happy he is when he succeeds. If you wanna be a dick and try to turn this around one me, i ask u just dont reply to this post. Its not helping me or what im tryin to accomplish to help my bro, and i have only good intentions PERIOD.

 

[DIEZEL666]

TP4U, maybe you should re-read what I wrote. I'm not saying your a bad guy, or you don't want to help your brother. I'm asking you to examine your approach more carefully. "Picking on" (to use your words) a 12 yr old is not an effective way to make him "tougher". Are you his only male role-model? What is his relationship with his father? Keep in mind he is only 12. Mental toughness has nothing to do with fighting back. John McCain was a POW for years suffering unbelievable amounts of pain and torture, but did not fight back or escape. He had other priorities. What are your brothers priorities?

I think it's great that you want to help your brother and have him succeed. I just think it is a bad idea to approach this problem on a purely physical front. Plus at 20, you don't have enough emotional maturity or real world experience to help him fully. Try a multi faceted approach. Keep spending time with him and building his confidence, but allow a professional to spend some time with him to determine his motivating desires. Good luck.

 

[TooPowerful4u]

Thats what im askin for help with. Maybe im takin the wrong approach. Yes im pretty much his only role model (he even walks around the house n tries to mimic my poses lol), my dad is a wimp honestly and bows down to my moms every will. My mom is tough so are me n my sis. My dad although i love him and respect him, is kind of a wimp. Also though my mom kinda babies him.

So i guess the repeating response im gettin from all of you is support him and help him build more confidence. I always praise him for when he does well, he knows im proud of him, and he knows hes very well capable of everything he strives for. Any other insight into this is welcome..

 

[TRAPS21]

TP4U,

Being a wrestling coach I have a god idea of what you are talking about. Like everyone has said, you must remember that he is twelve. Some of the weakest minded kids can have all the physical ability in the world but until that confidence is there his physical attributes will be subdued a bit. I tell my athletes a few things at the beginnig of the year that may help. "prepare your athlete mentally by preparing them physically, because hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work very hard." Constant encouragement and motivation are going to be the keys to helping your little brother. Hope the advice helps, if anything with his wrtestling and preparation for matches.

TRAPS

 

[BCC]

What's wrong with backing down from a fight even if it is someone smaller? Maybe he's....smart?

People always give me shit about being so nice. Life is too short for bullshit.

 

[SZona]

Not saying your doing this, but be certain you are not confusing your goals and aspirations with his. I see this all to often in fathers or siblings living vicariously through the next generation. There is always the posibility that despite his talents he may not want to wrestle and may only be doing it to please you. If his heart is not in it, neither will be his mind nor body. Encourage him to experience different sports...be careful not to choose for him. Also as Jethro stated, one day it might just click and he will realize it is fun...which is truly what athletics are supposed to be about anyhow.

SZ

 

[BALDNAZI]

It will come,or it wont

My father is very passive,a complete and total gentle hearted man,nicest human being around.It was my mother who would discipline us.My sister and I got our beatings when we deserved it and I never wish that it didnt happen.It made us stronger,taught us right from wrong.

But on the flip side,my family is very Catholic,and we were taught to always "turn the other cheek" and all that bible bullshit.So all through grammar school the pudgy little nazi got picked on.And I did nothing about it.But it all changed one day when I snapped.For some reason a switch went on in my head,I remember getting jumped by 5-6 black kids on the train when I was 14,I got my ass kicked.I never forgot that.I think thats what lit the fuse.Ever since that day,I never backed down.If I would lose a fight,no problem,I learned from it.If I won,fuck you,i beat your ass.As the years have gone by,I can proudly say Im a nasty motherfucker.I guess it is either in you or it isnt.I know many guys who have always been tough,others who made themselves tough,and many more that are spineless poor excuses for men.

Your brother needs his ass kicked plain and simple.One day,somewhere a kid or a group of kids will knock your brothers ass loose.And he will either become a coward,or he will get so mad and angry that he will never let it happen again.That will be the switch,on or off.I do not think you can force it,it has to happen on its own.Your just his brother,so you kicking his ass means nothing,it has to come from outside.

 

[TooPowerful4u]

Traps after readrin that, i do kinda understand the confidence issue. It rings a bell in my past, not sure how or why though. BCC hes not being smart, u can tell in his eyes when hes afraid becuase hes scared, he just has that droopy faced look. Its not an issue about him loving competition, and its not JUST a competition issue. He is always trying to wrestle with me, he cant wait for the season, hes a medal/trophy hunter haha, he loves it. Little asshole is already rackin up numbers catchin me, but hes got a ways to go haah. Nazi i totally agree, i was thinkin that me being his brother will negate the fact that he got his ass kicked for a long time, just figured its not gonna happen any other way. If its a fight, hes gona just back down and its not gonna happen. I wonder what or why it is that some kids are born with that fire and others are not.

Sometimes il be wrestling with him having fun, but then the rougher and more physical i get, the more passive n scared he gets. I get mad becuase i want him to get that animal instinct and come back at me. I try to provoke it and call him a wimp n pussy to make him mad, but doesnt work. I can turn it on and off at the flip of a switch (never used to but i learned to control it), i wish i could teach him to.

 

[RIV]

TP4U-

i think you should stay on him, he's not that young, do what you have to do to mak ehim tuff. i know he backs down from fights but what if that goes past that and he backs down from everything off the mat, like at work (when he's older) and he cant get ahead in life.

maybe its me but i was always taught to be tuff, by my father, brother and cousins. after awhile it gets inbedded into your head and its just there. read about the Spartans and how they trained their sons from birth to be great warriors. intresting stuff man. hope i helped somewhat.

 

[Armageddon]

I didn't read all the posts by everyone but I can tell you that you don't want to pick on him. Just not the way to go about things. It will give him more of a complex than anything. I'm not even going to comment on the abusive comments cause I don't know, I won't jump to judgements. The best thing you can do for him is be a positive influence and work with him. It may take time and he's only 12 but I bet through positive reenforcement he'll come around. Trust me, pushing someone to hard can have it's ill effects also. Been there done that.

 

[squatter]

I agree with Armageddon. Lots of encouragement will be the most likely method of bringing about the response you desire.

I had a similar experiance to the one BALDNAZI described. Except my ass was kicked by two much older, and puny, mexicans. I was in 8th grade. In fact, I got picked on alot because I was so skinny. I was over 6 feet at 14 years old and maybe 150 pounds. 150 pounds later, here I am. I don't get picked on any more and I am one tenacious mother fucker. I've never lost a fight and I enjoy thge rush that pain brings. My brother is a NHB fighter and is the baddest dude I know. Absolutly fearless. He was a timid and shy kid growing up too. He says he learned toughness from me. I never picked on him or tried to make him tough. Kids learn by observing. Be an example.

squatter

 

[xcelbeyond]

The subconscious (mind) is a powerful thing.

You're his older brother and friend - he looks up to you and believes you.

What's going on in his mind when "big" brother is pushing him hard and calling him a wimp or pussie. His subconscious could be (and is getting feed that info) accepting that as fact and he doesn't outwardly express that you are mentally feeding him the wrong thing.

How about when you're rough-housing with him say "Boy you're sure getting strong how about showing me how much hurt you can do to me." I'm not trying to lecture you here, just turn your words from "negative" to positive reinforcement. "Some" people will react to negative, but probably four-fold more will respond to positive reinforcement.