Is this common?

-OC- · Sep 6, 2008

(A Vent) Has this happend to you?

And I have noticed this with Male friends and Female friends, so don't take this as sexist.

With that out to the way, this pertains to my training partner, or I should say former training partner after today.

The reason for being former is that every time this guy gets a "Girlfriend" it's like he's joined some cult. The dude just changes, becomes defensive (For no reason) and quiet. Our training becomes hurried and abbreviated, oh and the ever present cell phone on the gym floor is in effect.

When I finally got sick of it, call him on the “Changes”, then he spouts of with some estrogenic crap like "Well I am not going to be alone forever", or some phony sediment like "I hope you get a girlfriend", I know, bizare stuff. But little does he know I have been actively courting a gal for a while, only thing is I don't openly broadcast it or let it take over my whole life. Really it seems he always has to “Front” his personal crap to me.

Well I guess this is coming out like a vent for the most part, and to a lesser degree a question for my bros and gals, lol. I just had it, when he started getting all defensive, whiny, and popped off with that "I'm not going to remain alone" Granny crap I let him have it. I basically told him to have some self respect as a man Jesus. I mean we go to the gym and RARELY go over an hour and a half, can’t you put away the blackberry for that long without withdrawals? Sheesh.

I am not a "Bros before ho's" type in all situations (If my “Bro” is treating someone badly I will call em on it), but I firmly believe weather your a Man or Woman, what kind of respect are you going to get being at your "Others" beck and call, or acting spineless and mindless?

So today was it, you have to have respect for your training partner and friend, especially what I though was a friend that I have helped on so many levels when it came to his training, nutrition, and moral support. Today the respect was gone. Also I don't know, but it really seems like he's got a real streak of jealousy and insecurity when it comes to me and others. Maybe that is just an inference, but I observe the way he "Talks shit" about anyone in the gym that remotely looks good, and I can tell that it irks him when I say, well I say I think he, or she looks good. Really I am pretty humble, and I don't like to engage in the gym drama, or crap talk.

Anyway, the steam outta my ears is subsiding, and getting back, have any of you had similar situation?

tomuchgear · Sep 6, 2008

i would say insecurities, and fear of bieng alone. granted ouch is better suited to answer so this is my two cents. i have had a training partner like that. when his girl and him are on training with him is great. then they break up the guy wont lift gets pissed bout any gains i make yada yada yada. not a pleasure to be around for a good month. we wont talk at all becouse well i get sick of him bieng a dick. then he goes through a brief time were he is gods gift to women and tries to nail any thing with a pulse. after a while they work things out for the 80th time and he is back to normal. strange that is why i dont vent my problems in the gym or bring them in with me. if i do i turn up the ipod and hit the weights hard. never bring a phone in to the gym. if the phone is a problem then just say hey bro you phone is breaking my concentration. aside from that i got no clue.

B1gJ1m · Sep 6, 2008

Sounds like a combination of imaturity and insecurity.

Designbuilt · Sep 6, 2008

B1gJ1m said:
Sounds like a combination of imaturity and insecurity.

Yeah, plus your friend just sounds plain whooped! I've seen it before, it used to happend to me but not too much to that extreme, the good thing is that I didn't have a training partner. So I was the only one who I let down. I would always make my best gains right after breaking up a more serious relationship.

My younger bro was letting something similar happen.

He had a gf (he just broke up with her) Who lives in Colorado, then in LA but pops in every few weeks. When she does it's as if his whole life just gets put on hold, he doesn't go to work for those few days, stops working out, and just stays in his condo with her.

He goes on vacation with her as well, but the problem, is that she always seems to pop in right when we are making the most progress. He tries to push her off or get her to postpone her trip, but she just seems to decide, and that's that.

He finally broke up with her, she was getting kind of psycho on him, she would break up then text him again, about 20 times the next day. Until he stopped answering her calls and message, he said that the next day, he received a package to his office and it was hand-written transcripts of all the text messages that they sent eachother!

She was also too damn jealous, but in short, I know exactly how it feels, I kind of paid him back the last few times, in the past we would both take off the gym, but these last few times, I kept training and made great progress, I really passed him up, because we do the same workout, supplements and almost the same diet.

We have always been close in poundages in the gym, but he noticed that I really passed him up.

The funny thing is that he's very succesful, VERY, he's in his late 20's and pays about 2 times in taxes than what I make a year. He has a ton of women after him, and dates them, and I mean real knock outs! Yet this still happends to him; That's just how it is.

On the last note, I stopped training for about 7 years when I got married and worked on my career, but now that I'm married and more financially secure, my wife is very supportive and I don't go through the same bullshit, maybe you should find a more mature training partner. Hope it works out bro.

DB

parrajm · Sep 6, 2008

in my opinion if theres a relationship where either of the people can't go two hours without talking to each other or feeling like they should talk to each other in that time, than the relationship is very unhealthy. for the most part, these kind of people depend on a relationship to feel good about themselves and a dependence of that sort can only be disastrous. I was in a relationship a few years ago where i got back home from school and i told the lady that i like to work out on my own for the most part. well she completely disregarded what i said and began to demand going to the gym with me. I'd get there and be 45 min into my workout when she'd finish hers and she'd just sit there until i wrapped up making me feel guilty. It got to the point where I couldn't go to the post office without her tagging along. If a woman can't respect a guy's need to have a couple hours a day on his own (and a couple days a week in my opinion) the relationship is screwed to begin with. the woman at this point become more of a parasite. I know this sounds harsh but i've been there, its truly unhealthy.

OuchThatHurts · Sep 6, 2008

interesting

I just have to get a question out of the way first OC before anything further.

Your friend appears to have found love or is working toward that end. Shouldn't you be happy for him and give him some slack to take care of his new relationship?

Maybe you already have. That's simply the logical first question.

parrajm · Sep 6, 2008

ouch, he just met the girl. its not love its infatuation. And in any case, the guy will end up being miserable in the long haul if the woman he's with won't allow him to pursue his own goals. No one should live like that. Situations like this are signs of an unhealthy dependent who needs to find ways to achieve self confidence without constant approval of others or a girlfriend. I've seen this time and again with people and when they end the relationship, they always seem happier than when they were in it sacrificing their own pleasures. You can't be happy for someone like that. You can only feel bad for them and hope they figure it out before they end up divorced paying out alimony.

I feel bad if this isn't the girl's fault and this is just your buddy's MO because he'll likely smother the girl which will lead to her dumping him and only furthering his lack of self confidence which will increase his need to find approval in the next relationship he has that much more.

-OC- · Sep 6, 2008

OK

Ouch, I have had a few "Loves" in my life, and I have a female friend now.
I am the: friend, court for some time, sleep with, court for some time more, then see if there is love. Instead of the: meet, sleep together, "I'm in love", move in and center my whole life on type.
And having those female friends/loves NEVER affected my friendships, the amount of contact I had with those friends, and especially never cut into the hour and a half 2 or 3 days on 1 day off of training.
Of course I would be really happy if he found his "True Love" but you just need to know my old friend Ouch, and I got some good insight about him from an observant family member last night. What was said boiled down to we are two different people entirely. He works out for external adoration; I train for myself, and love the feeling I get from it. I am a "Bent row, Squatting" kind of trainer, and he’s a "Machine row, leg press" kind of trainer. I eat food made at home, he's a restaurant type. Basically he's lazy, and I bust my ass. And he has a right to be how he wants to be, his path is way easier, excuses, whining, co dependency, etc etc. The observer thinks that this is a "Way out", because of how he tries to turn it around on me.
What broke the proverbial "Camels back" Ouch was that I got off early from work, rushed home, because I knew he was off early too. Then I got a call because he was getting a haircut, and getting "Metro" for his later "Engagement". So more than 3 hours pass, then we have to rush to the gym because of his limited time before his "Date", what that meant was we had less than an hour for both of us to do back.
Now Ouch, I'd never, in a million years pull some crap like that on anyone, now if it was a situation where my GF or Fiancé came back to town or we were apart for a wile I would call my partner EARLY in the day and tell him what's up, and make adjustments.
I feel bad for my buddy, because of how rank his insecurities are. He tries to act proud and like his life is perfect, great spoon fed job, yada, yada. But his dialogue oozes insecurity, jealousy, self absorbment, and shallowness.
I guess I got sick of those traits and what happend yesterday, just did it.
Really, now that I have taken a step back, the only comparison to the level of self centeredness that I could compare my friend to is Ben Stiller's character White Goodman in "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story". He's NOT that bad Ouch, but really it's pretty right on in many ways.
I know that it's NOT the girls fault; I just don't see her dominating him. I really think at this point that it's about "Easiness" for him. But if it's really about him not being able to scrape a couple hours out of the day to go train that smells of real future sickness. Wouldn't you agree?
What sucks is it's really hard up here in Portland to find level headed, hard training, friendly, consistent folks to train with. I am friendly, humble, but I can be a little introverted, guess it's kind of been hard for me to develop new friendships. Guess I expect to much from people maybe.
But I thank my bros for the posts here, and PM’s. I hope this gives you a little more insight Ouch, I know it’s only one side, and it really would be easier to shrug off, but I have known this person for over 15 years, so it hasn’t been that easy.

parrajm said:
I feel bad if this isn't the girl's fault and this is just your buddy's MO because he'll likely smother the girl which will lead to her dumping him and only furthering his lack of self confidence which will increase his need to find approval in the next relationship he has that much more.

Yes, I am also thinking this is part of the plausible answer.

OuchThatHurts · Sep 7, 2008

-OC- said:
Ouch, I have had a few "Loves" in my life, and I have a female friend now.
I am the: friend, court for some time, sleep with, court for some time more, then see if there is love. Instead of the: meet, sleep together, "I'm in love", move in and center my whole life on type.
And having those female friends/loves NEVER affected my friendships, the amount of contact I had with those friends, and especially never cut into the hour and a half 2 or 3 days on 1 day off of training.
Of course I would be really happy if he found his "True Love" but you just need to know my old friend Ouch, and I got some good insight about him from an observant family member last night. What was said boiled down to we are two different people entirely. He works out for external adoration; I train for myself, and love the feeling I get from it. I am a "Bent row, Squatting" kind of trainer, and he’s a "Machine row, leg press" kind of trainer. I eat food made at home, he's a restaurant type. Basically he's lazy, and I bust my ass. And he has a right to be how he wants to be, his path is way easier, excuses, whining, co dependency, etc etc. The observer thinks that this is a "Way out", because of how he tries to turn it around on me.
What broke the proverbial "Camels back" Ouch was that I got off early from work, rushed home, because I knew he was off early too. Then I got a call because he was getting a haircut, and getting "Metro" for his later "Engagement". So more than 3 hours pass, then we have to rush to the gym because of his limited time before his "Date", what that meant was we had less than an hour for both of us to do back.
Now Ouch, I'd never, in a million years pull some crap like that on anyone, now if it was a situation where my GF or Fiancé came back to town or we were apart for a wile I would call my partner EARLY in the day and tell him what's up, and make adjustments.
I feel bad for my buddy, because of how rank his insecurities are. He tries to act proud and like his life is perfect, great spoon fed job, yada, yada. But his dialogue oozes insecurity, jealousy, self absorbment, and shallowness.
I guess I got sick of those traits and what happend yesterday, just did it.
Really, now that I have taken a step back, the only comparison to the level of self centeredness that I could compare my friend to is Ben Stiller's character White Goodman in "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story". He's NOT that bad Ouch, but really it's pretty right on in many ways.
I know that it's NOT the girls fault; I just don't see her dominating him. I really think at this point that it's about "Easiness" for him. But if it's really about him not being able to scrape a couple hours out of the day to go train that smells of real future sickness. Wouldn't you agree?
What sucks is it's really hard up here in Portland to find level headed, hard training, friendly, consistent folks to train with. I am friendly, humble, but I can be a little introverted, guess it's kind of been hard for me to develop new friendships. Guess I expect to much from people maybe.
But I thank my bros for the posts here, and PM’s. I hope this gives you a little more insight Ouch, I know it’s only one side, and it really would be easier to shrug off, but I have known this person for over 15 years, so it hasn’t been that easy.

Yes, I am also thinking this is part of the plausible answer.

Okay. OC, you do realize the question had to be asked right? It sounds like this guy is a little self absorbed and sure, it could stem from insecurities, which would also go a long way to explaining his pathology with women or maybe perhaps his failed attempts at relationships with women....

BUT.... (there's always a "but" isn't there?)

I don't know him and he's not here so that pretty much just leaves you. Well you, me, and our esteemed members. Let me say first that I feel your frustration on this whole thing. Actually, I've had this almost exact thing happen to me in my life more than few times with really good friends. It's tough and OC, it hurts. That's what is really going on here. This situation is putting the hurt on you. So what are you going to do? You know I read some of these posts and it's all he, she, them, they.... this is really about you, your life and how you plan to deal with this situation and the next one just like it (because it probably won't be the last time).

Have you explained, in a more serious way than just some offhand discussion, exactly the way you describe here? Obviously, your priorities and goals are different than his and guess what? That probably will not change. In fact, the only thing that can change here appears to be you. Or, rather not you, but how you cope or deal with this situation.

So I guess that would be my second question -

What, if anything, is OC going to do now to get OC where he wants/needs to be?

oldfella · Sep 7, 2008

Well OC, I have been training since 14 years old. Many think this statement may be cold blooded but it is what it is.

I once told a girl that training was something I have been and always will do. AS you, OC, stated it is only an hour and half out of a day to make quality improvements for yourself.

So I told this girl was involved/in love with " I was training before I ever had my first girl.........I will be training long after after I have had my last". I have never skipped on my training partners, never made excuses or rushed a workout. If somethng really did come up I always called my bro and told him I would not be there. Respect and courtesy. I cannot blame you for your frustration and understand your point. My current training partner is a woman and she has proven to be more reliable than almost any male I have trained with. She just had a boob job and was back in the gym with me 4 days after wanting to know what she could do and how she can still help me with my training. Some are just more dedicated than others. I gladly adjusted some of the training we could both do to suit her current situation. She just has to go really light for a while and some things she simply cannot do yet. Good help is so hard to find!!! LOL

-OC- · Sep 7, 2008

To answer your you first question, yes if he's found love or working to that end I am happy for him, BUT (There's that ever present but) I am sure the "Pathology" as you put it will come into play sooner or later. He has all the slack in world from me now, and really it's a relief.

I do kinda feel bad for the mystery girl in a way, well how bad could it be hooking up with a White Goodman type anyway? Lol.

To answer your second question, I had a great day, productive, and busted butt in the gym, and it was nice not hearing any catty comments, whining about this pain or that pain, and how the world sucks because it doesn't slip a cushion with a security blanket under his ass. Wow listen to me, had to get out the remaining negativity, I am all good now.

So my plan tomorrow is to get some yard work done, eat food made with my own hands, and some from my own garden and bust ass on delts, abs, and calves. This week I am going to compile the rest of the $ I need to send to Phil to drive my training home. Oh and try to get out of my box to meet some new positive folks.

Speaking of positive folks, I thank you guys for your uplifting words. Ouch this really was about me, my feelings, you're right, and I just did more of a vent than question anything.

And Oldfella you're very lucky to have someone selflessly show up like that when they couldn't even train, I am that kind of person. And I know in the future that's the kind of people I want around me.

I think I just took a step in that direction, thanks guys.

OuchThatHurts · Sep 7, 2008

-OC- said:
To answer your you first question, yes if he's found love or working to that end I am happy for him, BUT (There's that ever present but) I am sure the "Pathology" as you put it will come into play sooner or later. He has all the slack in world from me know, and really it's a relief.

I do kinda feel bad for the mystery girl in a way, well how bad could it be hooking up with a White Goodman type anyway? Lol.

To answer your second question, I had a great day, productive, and busted butt in the gym, and it was nice not hearing any catty comments, whining about this pain or that pain, and how the world sucks because it doesn't slip a cushion with a security blanket under his ass. Wow listen to me, had to get out the remaining negativity, I am all good now.

So my plan tomorrow is to get some yard work done, eat food made with my own hands, and some from my own garden and bust ass on delts, abs, and calves. This week I am going to compile the rest of the $ I need to send to Phil to drive my training home. Oh and try to get out of my box to meet some new positive folks.

Speaking of positive folks, I thank you guys for your uplifting words. Ouch this really was about me, my feelings, you're right, and I just did more of a vent than question anything.

And Oldfella you're very lucky to have someone selflessly show up like that when they couldn't even train, I am that kind of person. And I know in the future that's the kind of people I want around me.

I think I just took a step in that direction, thanks guys.