Leaving your family for another

[triathloncoach]

Dumb

3

 

[BOOMSHAKER]

If both of you are leaving your families behind to start a 3rd family togther, just think about the fact that it's been done twice now. who's to say she won't leave you or you leave her for another family? You said it yourself, she is a "dream/fantasy".... That kind of stuff never lasts. The one women who had your kids deserves more then a " gee honey I'm just not happy here anymore" statement...... Think about it... the grass isn't always as green as it looks on the other side brother.

 

[Gators]

They say that affairs rarely last because the person you're having an affair with usually is strong in what you're not getting from your spouse, great book to read is His Needs Her Needs, explains affairs and why/how they happen... and you may very well already know this, just throwing it out there...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html

The old saying is the grass isn't greener is pretty wise...

now this coming from someone fresh off a divorce of a 19yr marriage, not sure i'd take my advice

 

[aeliop]

Pro and Cons

Let’s do a spread sheet, similar to accounting with revenue (The Pros) and debt (The cons)

Pros
The mistress is your dream/fantasy girl.

Cons:
Your wife is great by your own words and you have known her and coexisted with for 11 years. You have built a life with this person and there are no surprises like the one you are contemplating dropping on her. The mistress however is someone who you have know for 2 ½ years who you don’t even coexist with. We do know that she has no problem dropping the hammer on her current husband and her 3 children. That not be enough she wants you to do it to your wife and kids as well.

Your kids are going to absolutely hate you forever for what you did to their mother. Her kids are going to hate you because you broke up their family. You will destroy your wife who you sleep next to each night and is the mother of your children. Her husband at the very least will be destroyed by your part and hell he might even kill you. So there are 7 lives right there that you will send to hell.

How do you know with in a few years she won’t do the same to you? If there is a thing as Karma you know you have one coming.

Someone else will eventually be doing your wife.

You have to look in the mirror everyday.

 

[ericraven2003]

Changing to a new relationship can sound good, BUT you are exchanging one set of problems for a new unknown set. I prefer the ones I know.

 

[triathloncoach]

So far, so good

?

 

[ENraged]

Thanks for the great advice. I need to hear this. Anyone actually followed through on this sort of messy situation? Happily ever after? Welcome to the Hell you made for yourself?

I left my EX when my son was only 2 but unlike you I hated her!
Honestly if I was in your shoes I would avoid the other woman at all cost and get the fantasy out of your head.
Yes I am still with my dream woman but it kills me to drop off my boy after visitation! It just breaks my heart!
It sounds like you are currently in a healthy relationship and while this other woman may light your fire what you are giving up is huge on something that is a gamble.
So while yes I made a move that was better for me I go through heartache every Sunday when I drop little man off at his mothers.
When children are present you have to be a little selfless as your needs aren't always the important issue. You said you were happy remain happy distance yourself from the temptation and live life..
Change your numbers if you have to and avoid her in public 11 years with a "great wife" and little ones come on bro THINK ABOUT IT!

 

[VallhallaOrBust]

It's very much like an addiction.

Actually it is an addiction, although after 2.5 years your endorphins should be winding down. It will take a solid year of no contact in order for you to get over most of the withdrawal -- and even then it will hit you from time to time.

Statistically relationships that start as affairs only last approximately 3% of the time. The guilt that both of you will have over hurting your children and ex-spouses will quickly become a huge, overwhelming issue for either one or both of you.

Can you look in the mirror each day knowing that you sacrificed your children's well being for your own selfish desires and still be happy? Can the other woman?

 

[triathloncoach]

Great Insight - Thanks

I guess it comes down to having the integrity of thinking of others. I've wanted both worlds, but it's impossible at this point. The husband knows about me but just wants to hang on to his family. (I know I'd be dead if I were him) The other woman wants a 100% commitment or nothing. I said nothing - 3 months now. Tough when she lives across the street and your kids all play together. F- in crazy. What a tangled web we weave. But it sure makes life exciting. Now if I can just move past living like a sociopath. Life can get so dull tho'

 

[aeliop]

The husband knows about me but just wants to hang on to his family. (I know I'd be dead if I were him) The other woman wants a 100% commitment or nothing. I said nothing - 3 months now. Tough when she lives across the street and your kids all play together. F- in crazy. What a tangled web we weave. But it sure makes life exciting. Now if I can just move past living like a sociopath. Life can get so dull tho'

Even tougher if the Husband walks across the street and tells your wife all he knows. Why wouldn't he tell her?

 

[EasyEJL]

Even tougher if the Husband walks across the street and tells your wife all he knows. Why wouldn't he tell her?

thats easy. because he's afraid that if your wife throws you out, his wife and you will go off together.

 

[triathloncoach]

Yes

Y

 

[aeliop]

thats easy. because he's afraid that if your wife throws you out, his wife and you will go off together.

Yes you got a point there, I didn't even think of that angle

 

[triathloncoach]

Right

Of course you wouldn't think like that. Unlike him, you are a man and wouldn't let this insanity continue for a minute. I'd be dead or in the hospital and your wife would be a single mom.

 

[cpesloco]

Of course you wouldn't think like that. Unlike him, you are a man and wouldn't let this insanity continue for a minute. I'd be dead or in the hospital and your wife would be a single mom.

I have been you and felt your pain my friend. It's crazy how senseless acts effect multiple people. 2 people fucking around causes grief 10 fold. Let me ask you, what caused you to jump ship to begin with?

I wish you the best with your situation.

 

[Gators]

I learned i can't control others actions, but i CAN control my reaction, and beating the hell out of someone only makes it worse, and believe me, i came so so very close, several times, it was all i could do to walk away, and i was actually scared how bad i might hurt the dude, i could easily gone into a blind rage, it scared me to be honest

 

[JETHRO TULL]

At least you are being completely honest on here, man.

I guess it comes down to having the integrity of thinking of others. I've wanted both worlds, but it's impossible at this point. The husband knows about me but just wants to hang on to his family. (I know I'd be dead if I were him) The other woman wants a 100% commitment or nothing. I said nothing - 3 months now. Tough when she lives across the street and your kids all play together. F- in crazy. What a tangled web we weave. But it sure makes life exciting. Now if I can just move past living like a sociopath. Life can get so dull tho'

Everyone can make a mistake. At least you are fighting to do the right thing.

I don't know how you are going to pull this thing off with her living across the street though. What I mean is....even if you manage to stop the whole thing and totally walk away from it. Most of the time, it will come to light. I'd be prepared to admit your error to your wife and explain that it wasn't worth it to lose what you have together.

When you say fantasy woman....I keep wondering what's so great about her if she ended up with a wanna be tough guy, asshole, tatted up jerk? He sounds like a tool. Anyone is going to look good compared to this asshole! lol. Does he work?

 

[OxFuckedInTheAss]

Wow! what a mess. I wish you the best! I guess you could look at like this: This wild fire will go out if you were to hook up. Look 11 years down the road with her (wild fire). Will she still be that same wild fire? I doubt it bro, nobodies marriage keeps that type of characteristic. We all age with time, other things have to take the place of the "wild fire".

What I'm saying is, she (wild fire), may be all that right now to you, but, will she still be that in 11 years? Doubt it, you would simply just end up loving her the same way you love your current one now. Why bust up what's worked and can keep on working, for something of equal value (or will work out to be of equal value)? Why ruin the children's lives as well? For what, something that will end up being equal? anyway, hope the best for ya. Peace!



OP

 

[triathloncoach]

thanks for the continued helpful advice

Tangled web. First, she won't play anymore unless I commit to leave my family. I will not do that so it appears over. It's been going on for nearly 3 years and we basically were caught in Feb when her husband saw the cell phone bill that had 192 text messages and many hours of talk time between us. Of course he said nothing to me. (?)

Anyhow - it's her personality and how well we get along that completes the fantasy. But she was a pre med major at a top college, she's a black belt in Te kwan do and she could easily compete with any fitness model on this board. I do not exagerate. I really like this person aside from the silly over load of passion.

Problem - I have a great wife, very pretty, fantastic implants, stood by me while I was a drinker. Stood by me when I took our life savings and opened a gym that failed, we have 2 great kids together and she has a 6 figure job. Did I say I have a great wife? But she is a very dull CPA.

GF - A stay at home mom with 3 kids. (She's 100% drug free but still has veins in her abs) Her husband is an attractive guy, makes about 150K, stays in shape and is devoted to his family. He's just an unfriendly dick who if you ever challenged him he would probably start to cry even though he has 30 good pounds on you. The definition of a tough guy poser. I have contempt for him. She walks on him like a door mat and I think some of her fascination for me is because i "reject" her. Will that change if she gets what she wants? It usually does right?

The choice to stay with the family is an easy one. but my "friend" is extremely tough to say no too. Unless one is gay or dead. Thanks all.

 

[JETHRO TULL]

Gotcha!

Tangled web. First, she won't play anymore unless I commit to leave my family. I will not do that so it appears over. It's been going on for nearly 3 years and we basically were caught in Feb when her husband saw the cell phone bill that had 192 text messages and many hours of talk time between us. Of course he said nothing to me. (?)

Anyhow - it's her personality and how well we get along that completes the fantasy. But she was a pre med major at a top college, she's a black belt in Te kwan do and she could easily compete with any fitness model on this board. I do not exagerate. I really like this person aside from the silly over load of passion.

Problem - I have a great wife, very pretty, fantastic implants, stood by me while I was a drinker. Stood by me when I took our life savings and opened a gym that failed, we have 2 great kids together and she has a 6 figure job. Did I say I have a great wife? But she is a very dull CPA.

GF - A stay at home mom with 3 kids. (She's 100% drug free but still has veins in her abs) Her husband is an attractive guy, makes about 150K, stays in shape and is devoted to his family. He's just an unfriendly dick who if you ever challenged him he would probably start to cry even though he has 30 good pounds on you. The definition of a tough guy poser. I have contempt for him. She walks on him like a door mat and I think some of her fascination for me is because i "reject" her. Will that change if she gets what she wants? It usually does right?

The choice to stay with the family is an easy one. but my "friend" is extremely tough to say no too. Unless one is gay or dead. Thanks all.

So she's not just a different piece of tail. She's got a lot going for her and he's not just some wanna be thug, he's actually successful and holds down a good job.

Your explanation clears things up a bit. I've seen many of the guys I've known actually trade down. They tear their lives apart for a woman who is LESS than what they had in nearly every way.

It sounds like you have a great wife.