LittleMack-Down...but not out...

[littlemack]

Man OTH... You are really being a big brother to me right now. I'm so lost man. I know it. I know I need help. I know I need to isolate myself from the situation and focus on "me" for a while. I'm going to do it man. I've gotten through two nights on my own so far and I will continue to "try" and do the right thing and use that internal strength of mine to pick myself up instead of everyone else. Like I really need to be taking care of other people when I can't take care of myself.... I know man. I know. I want you to know that I'm trying J. After you guys all gave me so much great advice, I did put my foot down and told Crystal that we weren't going to do this anymore. She thanked me for being the stronger person to do that, and said that was something she could'nt do. So I'm trying man. I want you all to know that I'm trying. I won't hit rock bottom J. I don't want to see what rock bottom is like. I have no desire to go there.
I hurt inside, but I am feeling better about the possibility that Crystal and I may never get back together. I can't say I feel good about it, but I'm accepting it...
At the moment I'm also trying to surround myself with family and friends to see if that might be helpful. I'm staying with my folks, even though I have my house out in the stix(lol), and I went out with some friends last night and had fun shooting pool and throwing darts. Drank some alcohol but nothing excessive. Just enjoyed being around people. I could go back to my house and live by myself way out in the middle of nowhere, but that's just not appealing to me right now. This weekend I plan to spend some serious time out in the water and do some surfing. That's always been good for my soul. Being out there enjoying nature and chasing waves. That's an activity that's a lot like golf. A real escape from the world. That's one of those activities that I do for myself, much like bodybuilding. I'm getting back in the gym, and you know Mom's lovin' cooking for me in the mornings and evenings... If it weren't for her, I'd be eating fast food and polluting myself with that crap. Just need a little help with things like that... I don't know if everyone's gone through lows like this, but I'm starting to accept that fact that I seriously need help and a lot of love and support from people. I let things get out of hand, and its time to start finding my way back to my old self again. Just know guys, that I am trying ok. I love all you guys on this board. To come and take the time to write up such great posts when you hardly know me at all. That really does mean a lot to me.
Just want ALL of you to know that. Thanks.

 

[nosmas]

Littlemack and BOOM,

I don't want you to get offended about what I said. If I didn't give a shit, I wouldn't have said anything at all. I just want to see everyone be the best they can be and I can promise you, you will not get there in this situation as it currently exists. I'm not just speculating here. I'm giving you some true advice here.

BOOM, I don't know whether it was right or wrong to jump your shit. Being supportive is one thing but just be careful of what you are supporting! Ya know?

Littlemack you just need to get away from this girl. Whatever kind of happiness you think you have now is pale in comparison to the happiness when in a true loving and faithful relationship. You don't have that. I'm sorry to tell you that so bluntly but you just don't. It's the great lie. "It looks good and it feels good, it MUST be good..." WRONG! I know this shit is going to be hard but man you are young and you have too much good life ahead of you. Don't exchange the opportunity for a fulfilling life in every way for a few feel-good moments. Sometimes our emotions can play nasty tricks on us. But think with the other side of your brain - the logical side.

You know what you have to do. Shake out all the cobwebs and think logically. What good are you to anyone if you are broken to pieces inside? There's a great quote from a great movie that goes "I have seen boys like these, YOUNGER than these! Their arms torn out. Their legs ripped off. But there is nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit... there is no prosthetic for that."

And if you really want to just be party pals, than be party pals and drift into the mire together but leave the little girl out of it.

I admire you publicly disclosing your feelings. That took courage. That's a goooood step brother. Keep putting one foot forward after the other. Isolate yourself from the situation for a short while to think clearer. Take a sabatical. Just know that I wish for you nothing but happiness. I'm going to be honest now. The chances of you getting through this without hitting bottom? Not good. But far from impossible! You can do it. Make it happen. You say you want to be the strong man in someone's life? How about being the strong man in your own. Don't try to bullshit me with that. Strength comes from within. It doesn't take strength to let someone walk all over you. It doesn't take a bigger person to take on someone else's troubles. Take it from someone who HAS taken on someone's troubles. It does neither of you any good.

The rest I can't post out in the open.

Keep with the "detox" but make sure your doctor is aware of everything you're doing. I think, at least in the beginning, it would be better for you to seek therapy for yourself before some sort of relationship counseling. Everyone loses their way once in a while. Life can be difficult to navigate. Not so difficult that you can't find your way though.

Great movie Ouch ............sent of a woman. write this down son.......

 

[buffbabeca]

mack very proud of you.. =)

 

[littlemack]

mack very proud of you.. =)

Thanks Em...Means a lot coming from you. I think you know why.

 

[littlemack]

Yesterday was a little eventful. ha

Crystal called to tell me she wanted to talk and for me to meet her at her place after her new dude dropped her off. So I go over there, cuz I'm a nice guy and all. hahaha
Anyway, she starts getting back into this emotional routine of telling me how much she loves me and how much she misses me and how she is feeling smothered by this new guy...yadadada...

So I suggest we go out to a Guitar shop to browse around and take her mind off of things.

As we're driving back, I see her ex-bosses cars parked outside their office and so I suggest that we go over and pick up her stuff.

Short Story:She was working as an independant contractor for this video production outfit doing graphic art work(making websites, business cards, business print material, etc...). She didn't come in to the office and these assholes decided they had the right to keep her personal belongings(an IPOD, Computer, and some other things). Pissed me off because I bought all that shit.

So we stop by to pick up her things and the guys tell us that they are keeping it and taking her to small claims court b/c she did not finish all the work she was doing and this video production outfit had to pay out about $800 to get this work done. And their attorney said they have a case for small claims court... Fucking hilarious to me.

She went ballistic and all hell broke loose while we were talking and I stopped everyone and said this conversation was going no where and we needed to leave. She says "Fuck You" to my face and I put my head down and walk out of the room and she cusses them out some more and then she follows me out the door. Then she tells me how it was a huge fucking mistake to have brought her there and how she can't handle those situations right now and that its all my fault. She throws her purse across the damn hall and runs over and kicks the shit out of the wall and starts punching the walls and shit. So I put my arms around her in a bear hug fashion and carry her down the stairs. We get to the door and I have to set her down so that I can open it, and she runs out and starts kicking this one guys truck and then keys the side of the thing. I couldn't get to her in time, but I bear hugged her again and put her in my car. Her former employers saw the whole thing and I see them motion me over. So I go over and start talking to them and they call the cops.
Man...oh...man...I have learned my lesson with something and let me tell you more.
I'm talking to her ex-bosses and they are telling me that they are going to call the landlord and kick my real estate company(which is down the hall) out of the building. I get pissed about this, but we talk things out and finally they tell me....
"Well we have been worried about Crystal's safety with you around and worried about our own safety, b/c Crystal told us that you were on steroids and that you pulled a knife the other night and threatened her new boyfriend Robert." Evidently Robert called them asking where Crystal was one day and he started saying that I had threatened him.

Of course I denied all this shit, but I will never tell anyone about my bodybuilding business ever again. Not even my significant other. I mean shit. I was on prohormones for Christ sakes. Yes, I pulled a knife but it was to harm myself not someone else as you guys know. And "threatened" this other guy? I'm the one who invited him over so that we could all talk this out like adults.

Uh...can you tell I was getting just a little pissed by this time. hahahaha

Well the cops showed up wrote out a report and got all of our information. They were really cool as shit about it. The cop told Crystal that if she wanted her stuff then they would have to give it to her and they set up a time on Monday for her to pick it up. The cop laughed when one of her bosses told him that he was afraid she would ransack his shop if he let her inside. The cop said, "You realize there are two police officers here who could escort her don't you." hahha

I think they thought it was funny that no one could contain this little 110lb red-headed irish girl. hahaha. The cop even asked me how much I weighed...and chuckled when I said 240.

So anyway, Crystal is now back over at her new dudes house where she doesn't have to think about me and is going to start counseling on Wed..

I went out last night to a sports bar to throw some darts and hang out with this bartender girl friend of mine and had a blast. Helped me forget about the entire thing.

So..yeah...for the third or fourth time Crystal and I have decided, ONCE AGAIN, that we REALLY cannot be around each other for a good long while...

I'm just glad that I feel I can laugh about it all now. ha.

 

[nosmas]

bigmack.....

do you have any kind of plan for how you are going to handle future contact with her? I mean its kind of like Iraq, do you have an exit stratagy? I think you should develop one very very soon.

 

[littlemack]

do you have any kind of plan for how you are going to handle future contact with her? I mean its kind of like Iraq, do you have an exit stratagy? I think you should develop one very very soon.

That's a good point I hadn't thought of....

Well, my hope is that she falls in love with this guy that she is currently living with and puts our past relationship behind her. Her guy Robert, said that she only acts out like this whenever she is around me...so...

I guess I will continue to keep my distance.

Haven't really thought about it that much.

 

[nosmas]

I MEAN YOU WONT EVER COMPLETELY BE SEPERATE OBVIOUSLY. I JUST THINK SOME KIND OF IMMEDIATE SEPERATION IS IN ORDER. AT THE VERY LEAST SOME DISTANCE.

 

[littlemack]

I MEAN YOU WONT EVER COMPLETELY BE SEPERATE OBVIOUSLY. I JUST THINK SOME KIND OF IMMEDIATE SEPERATION IS IN ORDER. AT THE VERY LEAST SOME DISTANCE.

Oh yeah. We have separated and we are living in completely separate households. Yes. Agreed. I'm staying with family b/c I sort of need a little support at the moment.

 

[nosmas]

You said you wanted to detox but on subsequent posts you metion going out and having a few beers?

 

[littlemack]

You said you wanted to detox but on subsequent posts you metion going out and having a few beers?

Beers...1 to 2 nights a week... More for social lubrication than anything. Helps me to relax around friends and not bring the night down for everyone. I am a "happy drinker" even though its a depressant. lol. Plus, I love the taste of a good beer. Hard to drop that habit I'm afraid.

 

[nosmas]

Ya I knew you would say something like that. I know first hand how hard it is to stop your habits cold turkey. I am not saying drinking is a habit but I like your first instinct to stay clear of anything that will clound your mind. I think It would help you see things in a clear perspective and let you look at this thing from a different angle. My advise is to go with that plan.........If you have the power over your "habits" that is.

 

[littlemack]

Ya I knew you would say something like that. I know first hand how hard it is to stop your habits cold turkey. I am not saying drinking is a habit but I like your first instinct to stay clear of anything that will clound your mind. I think It would help you see things in a clear perspective and let you look at this thing from a different angle. My advise is to go with that plan.........If you have the power over your "habits" that is.

Thanks. I will definitely give it my best shot! Today I am starting a fat loss/cutting diet and I don't drink when I'm on it b/c the alcohol dehydrates me so bad that I have troubles with bowel movements and the like. ha. Plus, it sort of defeats the purpose to go out and drink while your dieting.

Right now may not be the best time, as far as energy levels, to do this but I'm really wanting to do something with a positive influence in my life right now. I think it will really help me feel a sense of "accomplishment" again that I have not had in so long.

I will keep you posted!

 

[nosmas]

That sounds like good planning to me. I think it will be slow going at first (the diet) but once you begin to see results your will in turn of course feel better about yourself and your ability to handle anything. WOW! I think I need to follow an idea like that. Get some confidence back. Good talk mack.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Thanks. I will definitely give it my best shot! Today I am starting a fat loss/cutting diet and I don't drink when I'm on it b/c the alcohol dehydrates me so bad that I have troubles with bowel movements and the like. ha. Plus, it sort of defeats the purpose to go out and drink while your dieting.

Right now may not be the best time, as far as energy levels, to do this but I'm really wanting to do something with a positive influence in my life right now. I think it will really help me feel a sense of "accomplishment" again that I have not had in so long.

I will keep you posted!

Bad move cutting cals now dude. You can lose a little energy, be a little slower to motivate, grouchy, etc. Dude, just train, eat, see your doc, take your meds, take care of yourself, enjoy time with your friends sober or be alone. I've seen a lot of strange arrangements in relationships but I've never seen one like yours... you say you WANT her to fall for this other guy? Then get the hell out of her life... TOTALLY! The dude obviously doesn't want you around, and whatever bullshit she's feeding you, I'll never know. Getting away from this situation and changing your life is all the "positive influence" you need to be worried about right now.

Mack, tell me, how would you rate yourself on an intelligence level? Can be scale of 1-10 or low, average, above average, etc... I've read enough of your posts to know you're not a moron so how would you rate yourself otherwise?

 

[Kaiser]

Mack, tell me, how would you rate yourself on an intelligence level? Can be scale of 1-10 or low, average, above average, etc... I've read enough of your posts to know you're not a moron so how would you rate yourself otherwise?

Then read through this thread, pretending not to know "LittleMack" as yourself and rate LittleMack's intelligence. 2 different levels of intelligence.

 

[littlemack]

Bad move cutting cals now dude. You can lose a little energy, be a little slower to motivate, grouchy, etc. Dude, just train, eat, see your doc, take your meds, take care of yourself, enjoy time with your friends sober or be alone. I've seen a lot of strange arrangements in relationships but I've never seen one like yours... you say you WANT her to fall for this other guy? Then get the hell out of her life... TOTALLY! The dude obviously doesn't want you around, and whatever bullshit she's feeding you, I'll never know. Getting away from this situation and changing your life is all the "positive influence" you need to be worried about right now.

Mack, tell me, how would you rate yourself on an intelligence level? Can be scale of 1-10 or low, average, above average, etc... I've read enough of your posts to know you're not a moron so how would you rate yourself otherwise?

Scored over 140 on IQ tests many times (140-148 range). I would say that for the most part I have completely cut myself out of her life. Its been less than a week, though, but its not like I'm living with her or talking to her on the phone daily or anything. Like I said. She is living with this other guy right now J.
Yes. I do know that I need to get the hell out of dodge man. I know this. OK. I'm trying J. I am trying. I have let my emotions rule over my logic for far too long. I am trying to change that.
Kaiser's right. Two levels of intelligence. I'd say a low EQ (emotional intelligence level) and a decent IQ that I have been ignoring. lol.

 

[Kaiser]

Scored over 140 on IQ tests many times (140-148 range).

We know you are smart. That is our whole point.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Scored over 140 on IQ tests many times (140-148 range). I would say that for the most part I have completely cut myself out of her life. Its been less than a week, though, but its not like I'm living with her or talking to her on the phone daily or anything. Like I said. She is living with this other guy right now J.
Yes. I do know that I need to get the hell out of dodge man. I know this. OK. I'm trying J. I am trying. I have let my emotions rule over my logic for far too long. I am trying to change that.
Kaiser's right. Two levels of intelligence. I'd say a low EQ (emotional intelligence level) and a decent IQ that I have been ignoring. lol.

I know you're smart. I know you are not using common sense. We all just care about you so get all this straightened out or I'm going to hunt you down with a sock full of marbles until you're crawling along the ground like a spider crab.

Now THAT's tough love!

 

[oldfella]

LM, This situation is beggining to spiral out of control. You are not in your right state of mind, I agree with OTH and forget dieting right now. Nosmas had a great point "EXIT STRATEGY" This has to be your proirity. Let it go brother. You have made the important first step in moving away. Family is a good starting point. It is real love! Not what you percievev to be love in a relationship full of anger, hurt and pain. It is sad that the little girl becomes a victim in this but at days end YOU are in no position to offer support! You must get your shit back together. You were happier when you were training and doing the things that make you who YOU are! Get back to that place! You so need to find your roots again brother! Your personality used to shine in your posts and your wit! Come back to us here and be the person you are really. You need to be around positve people, people that care for you and yes, your family that truely love you! AS OTH said, you will only understand loves true feelings once you find it! You need to search more, look into your soul man, you have to see that this is going no where. It will get a little worse before you can heal yourself, but you know, you have friends. More than you can imagine. Get off your ass and get back to the gym. Get on with rebuilding what you have torn down, LIttlemack needs you! We want you back. You have an incredible family here, we will support you if you fall. Listen to all of the advice here. It is sound and good. we want what's best for you, Don't you? so c'mon in brother, the water's a bit chilly right now but summers coming!