LittleMack-Down...but not out...

[oldfella]

I know you're smart. I know you are not using common sense. We all just care about you so get all this straightened out or I'm going to hunt you down with a sock full of marbles until you're crawling along the ground like a spider crab.

Now THAT's tough love!

Besides LM, you don't want none of that tough love bro! Listen to da man!!!

 

[littlemack]

Man guys....do I FEEL incredibly stupid right now...

I love you all...Thank you so much for showing me what I need to see right now... Your right. The dieting thing is way too early. Boderline Stupid. That's the last thing I need to worry about right now. ha.

I am going to do this guys. Your right oldfella. Littlemack does need me. What the hell am I doing? Its so rediculous...its stupid. OTH, Kaiser, OldFella. Man your words hit me hard...to the core!

I gotta tell you guys...I get sad sometimes thinking about little Kaylee. Is it best OTH to just entirely cut off all communications with them and tell Crystal that this is something that I just have to do in order to save myself?
I got a call from Crystal tonight for me to come bring her the rest of her clothes that I had and she knew I had a little Easter basket for Kaylee. So I went over for about 30 min. to visit before the other guy came over to be with them tonight. Little Kaylee was so happy to see me, and I really had to fight to hold back the tears until I left. Man.....THAT SHIT IS SO GOD DAMN HARD!!!! I'm Welped up just thinking about it. SHe gave me a big hug and kiss before I left and gave me her two favorite stuffed animals to sleep with at night. GOD FUCKING DAMN THAT SHIT HURTS FELLA'S. I love that little girl so damn much. And her stupid fucking mom just leaves her at a fucking sitters for a month and a half! Fucking BITCH ASS WHORE! She so deserves better than that. She's so innocent and young...

Man. whehw.. I gotta get a hold of myself. I know I wouldn't be human if I didn't feel this stuff, but its taken control of my life! I've never been through anything like it. I wish I could just turn the emotional switch off, but I don't know how fellas. Whehw...
Ok. I think I'm back now.
I'm going up to Houston this weekend to visit one of my best friends from High School. Its his birthday and he's having his family and some of our friends over. People I've known a long...long time... Including his folks her were like second parents to me. Staying the entire weekend. May even get to do some water skiing which I have done since I was a kid. I really need this little retreat. I really do. Going to surround myself with good people, supportive people, and lots of love.
Man. I feel so stupid looking back at some of the shit I wrote in this thread. ha. You guys are my brothers. Every ONE of you. I love you guys. I really do.
Thanks! And please keep me in your prayers as I will thank God tonight for my Brothers at ProMuscle!

 

[Nikopapp]

. Is it best OTH to just entirely cut off all communications with them and tell Crystal that this is something that I just have to do in order to save myself?

YES!!!!!!

Free yourself, as painful as t will be, from everything related to this woman.
After reading your earlier post, this was what I feared could happen if you kept things going (cops getting involved, violence, etc.)
Good on you for realizing what the situation really is.
Now it's time for you to say goodbye to everything related to that relationship and time in your life. Unfortunately, that includes Kaylee.

WTF, she is already living with this dude???? She is a f***ed up girl, dude. Count your losses and move on to greener pastures brother.
Sooner than you know, this will all just be a bad memory.

Keep that chin up and pm me if you need anything.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Littlemack,

In these situations, it's alway the children that suffer. I would say this: if you can get to a point where you can have a relationship with Kaylee and NOT become entangled in everything else that surrounds that poor girl (who, in my opinion should be placed in a proper home) then I would say yes. IMO, that time is not now though. If you can't have a relationship with Kaylee without becoming entangled then I would say no.

What Kaylee is going through is not your fault. It is her mother's. You DID YOUR JOB. Kaylee has a rough road ahead of her. I think everyone's heart goes out to her. I'd take care of her myself if I could.

In my experience though, the more you get on with your life, the innocent child, becomes a reminder or a throwback in your mind to everything that was wrong and hurtful about your former life. Is it fair? No. Will Kaylee suffer in the end? Yes. Is there anything you can do to prevent it? Sadly, no.

You should feel stupid. You should be crying. You should be angry. There's nothing wrong with that! In fact, it's the first healthy thing I've heard you say so far. I wish your ex felt the same. Let's get Littlemack back and then go from there. If you think positive, you'll see you have a bright future with a lot of possibilities. Thank goodness you didn't share any children with this girl. Then you would REALLY be in a tough situation.

I wish you the best in everything you do. Stick to the good things. Set yourself up for success and it will happen. Maybe not the first time, but eventually it will. There's no luck involved here. You make your own life happen.

 

[littlemack]

Littlemack,

In these situations, it's alway the children that suffer. I would say this: if you can get to a point where you can have a relationship with Kaylee and NOT become entangled in everything else that surrounds that poor girl (who, in my opinion should be placed in a proper home) then I would say yes. IMO, that time is not now though. If you can't have a relationship with Kaylee without becoming entangled then I would say no.

What Kaylee is going through is not your fault. It is her mother's. You DID YOUR JOB. Kaylee has a rough road ahead of her. I think everyone's heart goes out to her. I'd take care of her myself if I could.

In my experience though, the more you get on with your life, the innocent child, becomes a reminder or a throwback in your mind to everything that was wrong and hurtful about your former life. Is it fair? No. Will Kaylee suffer in the end? Yes. Is there anything you can do to prevent it? Sadly, no.

You should feel stupid. You should be crying. You should be angry. There's nothing wrong with that! In fact, it's the first healthy thing I've heard you say so far. I wish your ex felt the same. Let's get Littlemack back and then go from there. If you think positive, you'll see you have a bright future with a lot of possibilities. Thank goodness you didn't share any children with this girl. Then you would REALLY be in a tough situation.

I wish you the best in everything you do. Stick to the good things. Set yourself up for success and it will happen. Maybe not the first time, but eventually it will. There's no luck involved here. You make your own life happen.

Ok then J. As much as it hurts and as painful as it is, I will pull away from the situation and let God take care of little K. I will put her life in God's hands.
Its now time to pick myself up off the ground and get back to taking care of littlemack. I have SO many ambitions and dreams that I want to accomplish one day. Its time to get back to some goal setting and "taking" my rightful place in this world. Start creating my own destiny! Choosing and creating the outcomes I want to happen. I love you guys. You will see. LittleMack will soon be back on top of the world again. "Fallen Angel, But Still A Hero To The World" Mark my words, LittleMack is going to do some wonderful things in this lifetime. His actions will speak 10 times louder than words. So Let's Get On With This Shit, and start planting seeds so littlemack can have a bountiful crop to harvest!

Thank you guys. My heart goes out to you all...

 

[thebrick]

Mack, you seem like a great person from your posts. You don't wish harm on anybody and I think that is great. You are doing the right thing by stepping back, taking a deep breath and taking care of yourself first. It doesn't sound like this relationship is bringing much that's postive into your life and what does that say? I have been down this road with divorce and my two young children at the time and it does make you feel like a failure when kids are involved, but you are not! You cannot take on the responsibility to rescue Kaylee. You have already tried! Her mother should be mature enough to provide her a stable life. With her in this picture, its like trying to swim up Niagara Falls. It will do nothing but wear YOU out physically and wear you DOWN emotionally! You can't control that situation Kaylee is in. It won't happen despite all your good intentions. You CAN take care of yourself though. Find that place inside where littlemack LIKES littlemack and is at peace. That may take some time, it did for me. And then, you will be the best you can be, whether single or in a relationship.

 

[BALDNAZI]

LittleMack

I will not congratulate you until weeks and months have passed but you started on the right path,the rest is up to you.

These next few weeks will make or break you.As each day passes without her you will feel better and better.TRUST ME. Im glad you have woken up brother,that girl is NO FUCKING GOOD. She will end up in a very bad way and will take everyone down with her.She is already hooked up with that lowlife?Good for her and him,they will destroy each other.You are doing the right thing by getting out of the way.Some people cannot be helped, and no matter what you think, people will not change unless they change themselves. You are changing for the better man,just keep going. Let go and move on, you have no idea how happy you will be very soon.

 

[littlemack]

I will not congratulate you until weeks and months have passed but you started on the right path,the rest is up to you.

These next few weeks will make or break you.As each day passes without her you will feel better and better.TRUST ME. Im glad you have woken up brother,that girl is NO FUCKING GOOD. She will end up in a very bad way and will take everyone down with her.She is already hooked up with that lowlife?Good for her and him,they will destroy each other.You are doing the right thing by getting out of the way.Some people cannot be helped, and no matter what you think, people will not change unless they change themselves. You are changing for the better man,just keep going. Let go and move on, you have no idea how happy you will be very soon.

Thanks BN and BRICK. I know this won't be easy, but I will keep my head down and charge through this relentlessly. I'm trying to surround myself with family and good friends. I did break down and cry in the car a couple of times today thinking about little Kaylee, but I know there is a natural grieving process that I need to go through. So I will take it in stride one day at a time. The gym seems to help get those endorphins going and I've found that music has been a really good escape. I've also decided to dust off a classical guitar that my sis bought me a year ago and start learning how to play it again. I've got all this wonderful free time on my hands to explore my interests. Its really pretty great.
Thanks again guys. I won't lie. This was a tough intervention for me to accept and deal with, but you guys have really opened my eyes. I can't tell you how thankful I am.

 

[nosmas]

Just dont spend that spare time doing things that will not benefit your progress (i.e rec drugs). Times of stress and spare time are a deadly combination to a guy like me.

 

[oldfella]

LM, as one brother to another, I know that this little girl has a place in her heart for you(Kaylee). You will always carry that love with you. You do need to walk away. It is not selfish, you must save yourself. In years to come Little Kaylee will understand, I hope, that her mother is not a fit mother. She is the only mother she has! The young one's always pay for the parents' mistakes. This is NOT YOUR FAULT! You did what you could to be like a father to her. Be happy for that. You gave her some quality that she may not know again for some time. You should be happy for that. It is time to move on and get your life back. Embrace your new lease on life and make this work. get into yourself for a little while and search deep for the Littlemack we all know. He has been lurking behind a locked door and yearns to be free, search and you will find him again. Open the door and let him loose on the world again. You will feel a great burden lifted from your shoulders and you will then find happiness! The pain is only temporary, it will pass with time. Just occupy your time with healthy pursuits and focus on your physical and mental health. One accompanies the other. Distance is a good thing. Move on my brother, We all await your arrival!

 

[littlemack]

Thanks Oldfella...when I look at your avatar I want to call you oldyeller...hahaha

So let me ask you guys something...

Should I allow myself to grieve over little Kaylee? I feel like I've lost a family member here, you know, and sometimes I think of her and it hits me hard. Where I just want to close off the world and be alone for a while... I think its healthy, its just so damn hard to control sometimes.... Any advice for working through these episodes of mine? Its a once a day thing right now, and I can usually block it out of my mind until I find myself alone when I can let out my cryin'....

Hey...I sort of got a little rhyme goin' there.

 

[thebrick]

I think its healthy to grieve. Its necessary to get to the point of acceptance. You will feel anger too and that's part of it as well. Its a process you have to go through to put it behind you. If you allowed yourself to stay in denial about this, the healing could not begin. Always remember that this situation was all bigger than you and you did your best. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[oldfella]

Lm, you have lost a loved one. She will remain in your heart and you in hers. Grieve away, as brick said, it is the only road to healing the hurt. OTH would/will porbably tell you the same thing in his usual atriculate style. You must let the feeling of hurt out so you can toss them away. Time will heal, love will remain. The anger is all part of it. Our emotions are what make us humans. Without them we are mere shells of flesh and blood. When my dad got killed I tried to keep to myself and kindof grieve on my own, big mistake. I was then fortunate that my Aunt and uncle came down for the funeral, my cousins came also. It was my older cousin Kathy that I found solace with. She and I went for a couple of long walks to a secluded place and I let out my anger, my hurt, and my soul!! She was my saving grace. I came to realize what a good thing this was for me. I found acceptance over what had happened and was then able to continue my journey through life. You will need your family around you. Someone close to you to confide in and to let out your feelings with. It wil bring a kind of peace over you. You will be fine LM, I and others here are sure of it!! Go and get on with it and cry until there are no more tears! Then it will be over.

 

[littlemack]

Man...You guys.... What would I do without my promuscle brothers?

So last night you guys would have been proud. Crystal called me to "check on how I am doing." I am no longer fooled by this trick! hahaha... She really called to tell me how sad she is and how much pain she is going through...
Why am I blowing her off...etc...
I finally just had to tell her, "Crystal, I love you but I can no longer do this." I said we had hurt each other so much and that she and I needed time to heal.
Then she tells me that I was the one to cause all of this pain on everyone, and that it was not her fault.... I could hear little Kaylee in the background, and Crystal shouts at her real bad to quit doing something she was doing....
I then told her not to take it out on Kaylee like that, and that her anger is already getting the best of her. I finally, just had to tell her that I had to go, b/c I had other things I was doing....She then told me thanks for being such a good friend and being there for her....

One guilt trip after another guys. It really upset me for a second or two, and then I realized I was standing in the parking lot of a sportsbar and about to meet up with a girl "friend" that I've recently made. So, I had to go rescue littlemack and let him out of his cage...
Wait a minute...that did not sound good..... bwahahahahahaha
No...not at all what I meant you crazy bastards! hahahahaha

 

[thebrick]

She is trying to manipulate you. Don't fall into that. Do the right thing and move on. Don't call her and if you see her number on the ID, don't pick up. She'll get the message.

 

[littlemack]

Geez...I wish I would have read your message BRICK before I picked up the phone just now! Doh!

So now something else has come into the picture, that I'm not sure if I should be a part of or not... Wait...Well... Probably not I guess....LOL

Crystal called me this morning, and I noticed I had all these missed phone calls last night....

I don't think this is bullshit, it could be, but Little Kaylee had an episode last night where she saw a man dressed in black in the kitchen and could not go to sleep. Crystal said she was trying to calm her down, and Kaylee kept telling her that she just wanted Mack back and had her head down with her eyes closed and was praying.
Crystal is worried b/c she hasn't shown any emotion through this entire ordeal. Not even shedding one tear.
So I told her to find a children's psychologist and get her in ASAP.
This is not the first time this has happened either. I can remember this happening twice when we moved into a new house that was out in the country and Kaylee was upset about having to change schools. I left the girls home alone one day, and when I got home little Kaylee told me that a man had come into the house and was shaking up pots and pans in the kitchen.
I think there are things that are beginning to manifest in little kaylee that may need to be addressed. I've put them in touch with a psychologist who I know and I'm going to let someone else deal with it.

Its tough cuz, I still want to be her Dad you know...The crystal thing, I'm strong enough to be able to distance myself from, but this little Kaylee thing just breaks my heart. The little girl looked up to me so much, b/c of how big and strong I was and...I am her hero you know....I am her hero...

whehw...Ok. I gotta do something else besides write about this shit(like get my ass back to work...lol). There for a minute, I saw littlemack say goodbye, but don't worry guys he's winning this battle...He's come back to you guys now.

Man what a morning. ha. What a freaking heavy ass morning. hahaha
whehw... Shit...You guys got me all cryin' up in this joint with this shit. I'm better. I'm smiling.

Sometimes I see myself getting dragged back in with things like this, but I honestly feel like I'm able to handle it better now and distance myself from it. Maybe it was all bullshit and a lie...I don't know... I just know that I cannot give little Kaylee what she needs...I can point them in the right direction, but that's all I can do right now... you know...that's all I can do....

 

[oldfella]

LM, she is fucking with your head bro! She's going to use that little girl to manipulate you! DO NOT FALL IN TO THE TRAP! That's exactly what this is. She knows you love this little darling to death and she is going to play this to the hilt. She's going to lay the " oh so you don't care about kaylee anymore huh?" or the "Kaylee really misses you bad so why don't you" yadayadayada. Don't go there bro! Just don't. I hate when adult use kids as their pawns in a very deadly game of chess. Emotions can do strange things to people. Just stay the fuck away! When was the last time you worried about your sorry ass and not someone elses'? Long time ago???? I bet! Time for you to get on with it LM. Plain and simple. Go do the whore around thing, or flirt away with whom you like. It's all about YOU NOW!! Do as Brick says, erase the number from your phone, when the number comes up, you switch off!! Go and ride that wild pony, boy!!

 

[littlemack]

Thanks oldfella. I called up Robert and gave him the names and numbers of some good therapists. Handing the ball over to someone else with this now.
Thanks bros.

 

[BOOMSHAKER]

Hey Mack, I say, if you can seperate yourself from the mother and just be there for Kaylee then go for it bro! Does Kaylee get along better with you or Robert???

 

[thebrick]

Hey Mack, I say, if you can seperate yourself from the mother and just be there for Kaylee then go for it bro! Does Kaylee get along better with you or Robert???

While I think that intent is good, in reality, unless you have sole custody of Kaylee, that will be almost impossible. Mack will be setting himself up for the mother to use Kaylee as a tool to manipulate him. She'll know that is a sure way to get to Mack and she'll even use her child to hurt him if the mood suits her. Now when Kaylee is old enough to be independent and live on her on away from her mother, that could be another story. Just speaking from my own experience having dealt with my own kids and an ugly divorce.