Losing the love of my life

[PDFlifter3]

i have no idea where to begin...ive tried to write this for a week. i have plenty of friends and family to talk to, but nothing is making me feel better. my girlfriend and i have been together for about two years. weve been living together for a little over a year. we referred to each other as husband and wife even though we never went through an actual ceremony. anyway, along about january, our life was humming along together nicely. we were incredibly in love and both seemingly very happy and satisfied with each other, as well as planning to buy a house, adopting a puppy, just generally getting our future together. thats when we found out we were pregnant. im sorry if this offends, but neither of us want kids. we decided to abort and elected for the RU-486 method. is has been horrible! she started bleeding in january and still hasnt stopped, despite several trips to the doctor. obviously, shes been very needy, but thats totally understandable. i began bulking and clean eating right before the procedure, but made sure to take time off from the gym, or reschedule my workouts so we could spend time together. my goal was to do the central texas cup aug. 5 in austin. whether i was attentive or not, it seemed like i just couldnt give her enough affection or attention. i really thought it would pass as soon as her hormones came back into balance. even though we were going through the abortion and its after-effects, i managed to get up to 275 lbs. at 15% b.f., 5'9" tall. i really felt like i was gonna blow some people away on stage and i felt like i had the greatest support in the world from the most perfect woman in existence. then, the neediness started to cause fights. not all the time, but fighting is definately not something weve ever done much of. that brings me to starting my pre-contest diet in april. i made it 3 weeks and i was pretty bitchy. thats when last sunday happened. we went out together and she had a few drinks while i had some water. we were with my brother and one of my girl's friends. my bro and i had to leave and she and her friend decided to go eat, and then she said she'd be home. for the first time ever, she stayed out all night. i knew where her friend lives, so i tracked down her car around 7 am just to know she wasnt dead. i waited til 11 am when she came home. she apologized and said she would be mad if i had done that to her. she said she just accidentally fell asleep. well i was livid. mind you, this has never happened with us. we began to argue and then she just sat down, was quiet for a bit, and then she said she wasnt happy anymore and didnt know if she wanted to "do this" anymore. she said she felt like someting was missing and she didnt know how to get it back. she came to the conclusion that she wanted to stay together, but she wanted one of us
to move out by the beginnning of june. since, weve spent a good amount of time together, but she goes back and forth on her feelings. sometimes she wants to stay and sometimes she wants to go. she also said she didnt know if she wanted to be with me forever anymore, because i hurt her so much. she didnt think she would have ever have to go through something like an abortion "all by herself". sometimes she acts like her old loving self, sometimes distant and always wanting to be gone. she admitted that she has an inability to forgive. i asked her to consider going to therapy together, but she doesnt know if shes willing to work that hard for our relationship because she "should never have had to ask me to love her". sometimes she feels like its too little, too late, sometimes not. i know some of this has to do with an enormous hormone imbalance, but she refuses to visit a gynecologist to get bloodwork done (mind you, shes still bleeding). shes so irrational because of it that she thinks it might be "gods way of punishing her". needless to say, my diet went all to hell. i dont want to do anything but keep my love and my family (my girl and out two dogs) intact. the thought of her leaving me makes me not want to live. i know everybody feels like that, but without her death just seems so much more peaceful. i know shes not gone yet, but if she goes i dont think i can keep going. she used to be my life partner, my absolute best friend, my training partner. now, she doesnt know about any of that anymore. she wont agree to any of my pleas to save our realtionship...she seems to have a reason against anything i suggest. shes going to abilene, which is like seven hours from here, to visit her mom, dad, and brother this friday. shes mentioned that she thinks her mind will be more calmed down when she has a chance to get away and go back home and think. i suggested that we dont talk while shes gone so she can truly experience life without me for the week shes away. her feelings are that it will be hard, but she will consider it. i have no idea what else to do. i feel like all our options are running out. i just know id do anything to keep our family and our home together. somebody please help me! i know i wrote a book, but this is my whole life that is about to crumble down on top of my destroyed and broken heart.

 

[di8kids]

Whether you want to believe it or not...

we were incredibly in love and both seemingly very happy and satisfied with each other, as well as planning to buy a house, adopting a puppy, just generally getting our future together. thats when we found out we were pregnant. im sorry if this offends, but neither of us want kids. we decided to abort and elected for the RU-486 method. is has been horrible! she started bleeding in january and still hasnt stopped, despite several trips to the doctor. obviously, shes been very needy, but thats totally understandable.
i really thought it would pass as soon as her hormones came back into balance. even though we were going through the abortion and its after-effects, i managed to get up to 275 lbs. at 15% b.f., 5'9" tall. i really felt like i was gonna blow some people away on stage and i felt like i had the greatest support in the world from the most perfect woman in existence.

she said she wasnt happy anymore and didnt know if she wanted to "do this" anymore. she said she felt like someting was missing and she didnt know how to get it back.
said she didnt know if she wanted to be with me forever anymore, because i hurt her so much. she didnt think she would have ever have to go through something like an abortion "all by herself". sometimes she acts like her old loving self, sometimes distant and always wanting to be gone. she admitted that she has an inability to forgive. i asked her to consider going to therapy together, but she doesnt know if shes willing to work that hard for our relationship because she "should never have had to ask me to love her". sometimes she feels like its too little, too late, sometimes not. i know some of this has to do with an enormous hormone imbalance, but she refuses to visit a gynecologist to get bloodwork done (mind you, shes still bleeding). shes so irrational because of it that she thinks it might be "gods way of punishing her". needless to say, my diet went all to hell. i dont want to do anything but keep my love and my family (my girl and out two dogs) intact. the thought of her leaving me makes me not want to live. i know everybody feels like that, but without her death just seems so much more peaceful. i know shes not gone yet, but if she goes i dont think i can keep going. she used to be my life partner, my absolute best friend, my training partner. now, she doesnt know about any of that anymore. she wont agree to any of my pleas to save our realtionship...she seems to have a reason against anything i suggest.

You two just lost a baby. It wasn't "just an abortion." That "theory" is just a trick. It isn't just a matter of getting her hormones in balance. It is a loss. She's needs to grieve. Why do you think that she thinks that it is god's way of punishing her? She is feeling guilt because of what happened to her. This happens when women decides to get an abortion. They feel an enormous amount of guilt.

I know this isn't even close to what she is going through, but I have had 3 miscarriages. There was a grieving process with each one--even though the last one--I already had 8 kids and was not even sure that I was ready to have another one.

Just take what I say into consideration. I know that not many people would agree with me. I agree she should get some counciling to help her cope.

I hope all turns out ok.
Sincerely
Diana K

 

[maxsupplements]

man...

this is terrible to hear.. but all i could say is that you definately both need a bit of counseling... this is grieving.. you suffered a loss... get some counseling before this gets out of hand...

ill be prayin in the mean time..

hang in there, and be as supportive as possible...

 

[PDFlifter3]

i never really thought of it that way, but its true, we did lose a child. we both feel guilt and i think its manifesting itself in different ways for both of us. all i do is pray when im alone. cant eat, cant train, cant sleep, nothing. im really starting to feel like this is all my fault. im the one who knew we should have been more careful so as not to get pregnant, but i did nothing because she had confidence we wouldnt. this woman has drilled it into my head that she is my wife and we are married, only to possibly change her mind. all she can say is sorry and that shes worried shes built up a wall that can never come down. she doesnt know if she can stop being scared that i would leave her feeling all alone again. im working as hard as i can, 24/7 to show her how much i love her, how id do anything for her, and how she is essential for me to survive. all she says is that most of her thinks im only putting up an act because i know she wants to leave. if she stays, she thinks ill neglect her in time. im so confused. i feel like no matter what i do its inevitable shes leaving. im definately gonna need some professional help because i have no desire to live without her. i just have no idea how to seek out help like that. thank you all for your insight, caring, and prayers.

 

[flexmaster]

PDFlifter3

how old are you guys?

bro i feel for you, my girl has been gone 10 months studying abroad in mexico...not having her around has been the hardest thing i have ever gone through...i know exactly how you are feeling when it comes to the inability to eat, sleep, and train...but believe me, time heals everything. whether she stays with you or not, you will be alright. i have had the same suicidal thoughts, and this is really embarrassing to admit, but i have slit my wrists because i felt i was at the end of my rope...but its not worth ending your life ok. dont think like that...if you need something pm me and i'll be more than willing to talk with you bro

 

[StoryOfTheYear]

My G/F has been gone for over three months, and I dont think ive ever been so depressed in my life. It sucks WHEN you dont care as much as someone and then when theyre gone you realize how much they meant to you. Youll be ok, like Flex said, it just takes time.....but I still dont feel okay. -StOrY

 

[PDFlifter3]

flex-she turns 24 on friday and im 27. very likely when she leaves for good ill need to pm you. thank you for your support...someone i dont even know willing to take the time to talk to me means at least something to me.

story-thats one of my worries...ill always feel that this is all my fault and i dont have the ability to get over it.

ive decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. my appt. is way too far off though, so i dont know what the hell to do there. i just know her mind is made up. theres nothing i can say or do that she doesnt somehow put an emotional roadblock in front of. shes moving out for sure and im absolutely sure when she comes back from abilene she is going to end it. id hoped to see the shrink before then so i can be a little more prepared, but i guess not. shes just so back and forth, but when her negative thoughts come its like an avalanche. its almost like she starts thinking some good things, but then she realizes it, convinces helself that shes fooling herself and then all back to the negative...like she'll never be fully happy with me, that she can do better, find someone who can make her 100% happy.

 

[flexmaster]

flex-she turns 24 on friday and im 27. very likely when she leaves for good ill need to pm you. thank you for your support...someone i dont even know willing to take the time to talk to me means at least something to me.

story-thats one of my worries...ill always feel that this is all my fault and i dont have the ability to get over it.

ive decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. my appt. is way too far off though, so i dont know what the hell to do there. i just know her mind is made up. theres nothing i can say or do that she doesnt somehow put an emotional roadblock in front of. shes moving out for sure and im absolutely sure when she comes back from abilene she is going to end it. id hoped to see the shrink before then so i can be a little more prepared, but i guess not. shes just so back and forth, but when her negative thoughts come its like an avalanche. its almost like she starts thinking some good things, but then she realizes it, convinces helself that shes fooling herself and then all back to the negative...like she'll never be fully happy with me, that she can do better, find someone who can make her 100% happy.

are you 100% happy as well? it sounds to me like you aren't, especially if every time you try to show her your love she turns into an emotional avalanche. do you really want to deal with that for the rest of your life? sure every relationship has it's sticky points...but i dont think 2 people should be together if every time one of them shows affection the other erupts into some emotional rollercoaster. you dont want that bro...and if you 2 stay together and she keeps acting like that, eventually you will become so tired of it all that you will want to end it (the relationship).

i think its an excellent idea to see a psychiatrist, that will help you immensly im sure.

 

[PDFlifter3]

see, these avalanches didnt start until a week ago when the shit hit the fan. before all of this she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. she was a blessing i begged for and received. i never had to want anything...if she noticed i was bulking id come home to a pile of new XXL shirts and shorts with a bigger waist. part of the problem is that i didnt do quite the same in return. ive always made sure she was fed because i love to provide the substances that keep my love alive, but i just stopped paying attention to the finer details. it started when i began bulking for the show i was gonna do. for the first time, i put my agenda before hers. she would never allow me to miss a meal or a workout, but i became inflexible about certain things and started acting like a bitch when i began cutting carbs and doing cardio. i just feel like such a stupid asshole for neglecting the most important person ive ever had in my life. the feeling that ive pretty much lost her is killing me.

 

[flexmaster]

see, these avalanches didnt start until a week ago when the shit hit the fan. before all of this she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. she was a blessing i begged for and received. i never had to want anything...if she noticed i was bulking id come home to a pile of new XXL shirts and shorts with a bigger waist. part of the problem is that i didnt do quite the same in return. ive always made sure she was fed because i love to provide the substances that keep my love alive, but i just stopped paying attention to the finer details. it started when i began bulking for the show i was gonna do. for the first time, i put my agenda before hers. she would never allow me to miss a meal or a workout, but i became inflexible about certain things and started acting like a bitch when i began cutting carbs and doing cardio. i just feel like such a stupid asshole for neglecting the most important person ive ever had in my life. the feeling that ive pretty much lost her is killing me.

well, one thing i have learned is that you cant control other people's actions...so why get all worked up about it. the only thing you can control is your thoughts and your reactions...if she's going to leave she's going to leave and you cant make her stay. but she hasn't left yet. right? and she didnt tell you after she gets back it's over for good. right? well, there there's no use in worrying that it could possibly happen.

i do think you took her for granted though, which sucks. i wish my girl would do stuff like she did for you. sure they are just clothes, and you or i could easily buy them for ourselves, but it's nice to see that she was thinking about you in such a small way like that huh? i think the intentions/thoughts behind the action mean more than the actual action itself...

maybe you should plan something special for you guys to do when she gets back(doesn't have to be huge and expensive). put some thought into suprising her with something she would like to do. i've noticed lots of girls like spontaneous things, just suprise her with something thoughtful to show her you care and were thinking about her while she was gone.

for example, my girl gets back from mexico in about a week and a half...we always used to sneek into one of the pools here at night and go swimming...i am going to suprise her by grabbing one of her swim suits and taking her there on the first warm night.

 

[PDFlifter3]

when you know someone from inside your soul, you pretty much know how theyre going to react. flexmaster, the special stuff like you suggested i would kill to get a second chance to do. id do it every day for the rest of our lives. but i know her too well. she just left for her trip home. every one before she has cried. this time, not one single tear. i wish i could not worry or not let myself get all worked up, but i cant seem to make it happen. i dont think ive ever been this lonely and sad. the house is so damn quiet and empty. im sure you will feel a rush of joy when she comes home in a week and a half. im truly happy for you. enjoy it to the fullest.

 

[di8kids]

Have you considered

ive decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. my appt. is way too far off though, so i dont know what the hell to do there.

getting some counseling from a local minister? It doesn't cost you anything and they can sometimes give you good insight on your situation.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

when you know someone from inside your soul, you pretty much know how theyre going to react. flexmaster, the special stuff like you suggested i would kill to get a second chance to do. id do it every day for the rest of our lives. but i know her too well. she just left for her trip home. every one before she has cried. this time, not one single tear. i wish i could not worry or not let myself get all worked up, but i cant seem to make it happen. i dont think ive ever been this lonely and sad. the house is so damn quiet and empty. im sure you will feel a rush of joy when she comes home in a week and a half. im truly happy for you. enjoy it to the fullest.

PDFlifter3,
I've not posted in this thread but looking over it I can see that you have a lot of good people here pulling for you. Can I stress something to you? You WILL get over this. You know that right? Not right away but you will. Life will go on and that will be that. You'll always look back on this as a painful time and your psychiatrist, priest, minister, or whoever you decide to lean on to talk about this, you will be forever in their debt and appreciation.

Right now, make sure you take care of the little things. Drink fluids, eat, sleep as best you can, dress well, clip your fingernails, shower, the basics. You have so much life ahead of you to experience as a fully mature adult! You have great times ahead of you. Take your time. And you got plenty!

Work on this WITH someone. If you do it alone, you're going to keep gravitating toward the negative. We need to keep you moving in a positive direction alright? Take care of your basic human needs, annoy your friends by talking constantly about it, and soon things won't seem so bad.

Watch yourself closely. You sound like you have a lot of anxiety which is leading to anxiety attacks. They won't kill you because you only have so much adrenaline and eventually, they always pass. But they leave you feeling like you've gone through the ringer. Your doctor will address this and it is very treatable.

Everyday, in every area of the world, people are going through what you are going through right now. Or they've been there. Read through this forum and you will see how many have just in here! You'll do just fine. Keep the chin up and keep moving forward.

Take care,
Jon

 

[PDFlifter3]

thanks for everyone's support. just wanted to update and the news is basically devastating for me. i found out she had been cheating on me. her first night gone she met up with him in college station, before she went home to abilene. she realized when she in abilene that she wanted us to work everything out and be happy again. when she got home i guess she expected me to have absolutely no questions to ask. obviously, i had a ton. figured that if we were to start over i needed a bit of closure on the bad stuff. this was two days ago and tonight she decided that she just couldnt be happy anymore if we just couldnt relax and stop having serious conversations. she broke up with me. said i was pushing her too hard. i just dont understand any of this. its like the more i think about whether or not i ever neglected her, the less i think i did when i examine it further. i was only gone for 1.5 hrs 5 days a week for my workouts. other than that, i stopped going out with my friends a long time ago. its not like i was out partying. i was at home with her every second of every day except for my time spent in the gym. i am at a total loss. whats worse is that the psychologist i made an appointment with cant see me until june 9. being that im suicidal, i think thats a little too far away. i never did anything to her to deserve this. i only loved her with all i have ever had to give. i thought she was "the one". im starting to think that all that "you'll know when shes the one" stuff is crap. the one doesnt exist.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

thanks for everyone's support. just wanted to update and the news is basically devastating for me. i found out she had been cheating on me. her first night gone she met up with him in college station, before she went home to abilene. she realized when she in abilene that she wanted us to work everything out and be happy again. when she got home i guess she expected me to have absolutely no questions to ask. obviously, i had a ton. figured that if we were to start over i needed a bit of closure on the bad stuff. this was two days ago and tonight she decided that she just couldnt be happy anymore if we just couldnt relax and stop having serious conversations. she broke up with me. said i was pushing her too hard. i just dont understand any of this. its like the more i think about whether or not i ever neglected her, the less i think i did when i examine it further. i was only gone for 1.5 hrs 5 days a week for my workouts. other than that, i stopped going out with my friends a long time ago. its not like i was out partying. i was at home with her every second of every day except for my time spent in the gym. i am at a total loss. whats worse is that the psychologist i made an appointment with cant see me until june 9. being that im suicidal, i think thats a little too far away. i never did anything to her to deserve this. i only loved her with all i have ever had to give. i thought she was "the one". im starting to think that all that "you'll know when shes the one" stuff is crap. the one doesnt exist.

If you are having suicidal thoughts or ideations you need to contact your doctor immediately. If you can't reach your doctor, go to an emergency room with a history of all the medications you are or have taken.

FOLLOW ALL INSTRUCTIONS YOU RECIEVE

People do care and you will get over this but you need to see someone now. Post a follow up after you've done the above.

 

[PDFlifter3]

getting in to see the doc soon would really help. guess i need to call them and let them know whats going on. maybe they could get me in earlier.

 

[flexmaster]

how did you find out she has been cheating?

i am sorry bro, these are very hard situations for anyone to deal with...

 

[PDFlifter3]

her best friend got really pissed about the way she was acting towards me so she told me everything and then my ex admitted it when i confronted her with it. seems all of her friends are upset with her because they think shes making a huge mistake. makes me feel good, but doesnt change a bit what is destroying me inside. this is ridiculous that after finding all of this out i still wish we could put it all behind us and get back together. rest assured, it will never happen though. she really seems to like her freedom.

 

[Zeus]

My Story for you..

PDF-

I just wanted to share a very similar experience I had a few years ago. 7 years ago I started a relationship with a wonderful woman who would eventually become my fiancee (for a short while) So many of the feelings you use to describe how you feel about your girl/ex-girl remind me of how I felt about her. Another eerie paralell is how I too stopped going out with my friends, withdrew from social events with family, etc... ALL to appease her increasing need for constant affection and attention. After about FOUR beautiful and happy years together things started to drastically change. As she was finishing an advanced degree she began to change.... She began to both start demanding more and more attention while looking down her nose at me, my freinds, my family, and everything I enjoyed to ESPECIALLY anything to do with bodybuilding, one remark from me about how nothing on the menu at Olive Garden would exactly help my cutting phase or the pile of water jugs I needed to stock at home would send her into a fury. By this point we were engaged (I lost about $10,000+ on that one...) I also had just been awarded a very lucrative position at the company I worked for which enraged her further as I have no college education and her extesnsive education still left her working at a day-care facility. She started down the same path of actions as you have described in your girl. Everything came to a climax when I won a sales contest at work and got a trip to maui for a week for myself and a guest. Obviously I thought it would be the perfect opporunity for us to patch things up BUT SHE REFUSED TO GO WITH ME!!! She tried to threaten me with moving in with her mother while I was gone and calling off the engagement. SO I WENT TO MAUI WITHOUT HER.. I saw how ridiculous everything was getting so I took my best freind and we had a great time. While in Maui I spent a week with a spectacular female sales rep from my company it was essentially a "One week-stand" rather than a one-night stand. Now my father cheated on my mother and I had always promised myself I would never do that.. So I knew something was horribly wrong. When I got back I did the unthinkable. I BROKE IT OFF WITH HER AND TOLD HER TO GET OUT IN A WEEK. Her tune suddenly changed and she sobbed, begged, pleaded, that I reconsider. NOW LET ME TELL YOU, watching the woman you've loved for 4 years in this state and the events that followed was and may always be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life..... I was depressed for months, stopped bodybuilding, started drinking heavily and using blow daily. Somehow I managed to keep it together enough to encounter another woman...

I met K on April 2nd 2004, we have not spent more than a few days apart since that day. It was the truest definition of love at first sight I can imagine. She is the personification of the perfect woman. And she truly saved my life, heart, and soul. The love I have for her dwarfs what I thought I had for all of those years with the other woman. I can't even be more specific because there is no way to describe it. The only other thing I'll tell you is that we have balance, trust, and respect for eachothers personal endeavors, freidnships, families, etc... There was no modification required for us to work perfectly, we simply do.


THERE IS THE ONE OUT THERE FOR YOU, DON't GIVE UP. BELIEVE ME I KNOW THIS THE HARDEST THING YOU'VE EVER BEEN THROUGH BUT YOU WILL PREVAIL, AND YOU WILL PREVAIL WITH AN EVEN HAPPIER LIFE AND EVEN MORE FULFILLING LOVE SOMEDAY!!!!

PM ME ANY TIME.

PEACE BROTHER

-Michael

 

[PDFlifter3]

thanks zeus. sent you a pm. anyone else have any success stories? stuff like that actually gives me hope...also made me smile for the first time in a month.