Marriage Slowly Turning Sour - We've Been Through Some Hard Times

[Human Rocket]

It's a long story and I'm not even sure what advice you guys can give me.

My wife and I have been married for almost nine years now. I'm 43 and she is 32. We have a two year old son.

Early on everything was great. We both had good jobs and were kind of living the middle class American dream. We had lots of free time, got to go out a lot, buy nice things for each other. Our sexual relationship was very satisfying.

We had been married about a year and a half when everything changed. My wife got dizzy while she was at work, fell, broke her neck and had a mild stroke. There were lots of medical bills even though we had insurance and we went from two incomes to one. Couldn't sue the employer, the doctors examined her and she got dizzy because she had a urinary tract infection. In fact, I had even told her not to go into work that day... that she should take off and see a doctor but she's really stubborn and in fact we had a huge argument about it that morning. This haunts me to this day.

So she goes through rehab and has to learn how to feed herself again, walk again, everything. She made good progress but to this day still has a slight speech impediment, is very weak on her left side and has frequent dizzy spells. She also has horrible migraine headaches which is something she's had since she was a teenager.

In the meantime our finances are crumbling. It's very difficult to adjust going from two incomes to one. Even cutting back we've managed to rack up a lot of credit card debt. There was talk about applying for disability but my wife's parents are extremely conservative and look down on people who get government aid. Allowing them to influence us was a huge mistake on my part.

A few years go by, we're just kind of muddling through it all. I started working two jobs to try to make ends meet and my wife was left at home alone a lot of the time. She was very lonely and unhappy. She started saying/doing stupid things to get attention. Making up stories about how she saw someone get shot at the local Wal-Mart. Story sounded fishy, never saw in the papers. I called the Wal-Mart and employees there said it never happened. So that's only a little psychotic, I know a lot of women have done worse.

Our sex life starts taking a real nose dive at this point and I'm kind of thinking about a divorce but I feel really sorry for her situation. I don't think she could make it on her own even if I paid alimony and even if things were turning sour I felt like I still loved her.

She started demanding we have a child. I thought maybe it would make her happy and we did both say we wanted to have kids when we first got married. But now that she's had the stroke I knew it wasn't a good idea for a lot of reasons, potential medical complications being one of them and additional financial stress being another.

But she made it through the pregnancy without any major health issues and a little over two years ago she gave birth to a beautiful son. I thought it would make her feel less lonely having a child to care for but instead things just got worse. She didn't realize what a huge responsibility it is being a mother and it's been really tough for her. To her credit, she's done a great job of taking care of him but now she complains about never getting any adult interaction. I'm still not around home as much as I'd like to be but I really do make an effort to have family activities with the both of them. But it's just not enough for her.

Our sex life is still not that great. We have sex maybe once a week. And that's if she's not having a migraine or on her period. And I'm not really trying to blame her for this... sometimes I'm just not interested in sleeping with her. I've looked into several health issues that might be causing the problem. I have low test, hypothyroidism, sleep apnea along with high blood pressure and high cholesterol. All are being treated except the sleep apnea (can't tolerate a CPAP machine.) I'm trying to lose weight to help with this. I'm down from 250lbs to 201 and am aiming for 185. It really hasn't helped my snoring though and I might wind up having to have surgery for it. I don't get good quality sleep right now and between working two jobs I'm just really exhausted all the time. I don't even go to the gym anymore.

I'm doing what I can to make our relationship work. We're going through marriage counseling. I really want to keep our marriage together now for the sake of my son.

So there it is... my screwed up little life. I'm still plugging away at least and trying to do the right thing. I dumped all this here because I really don't have any good friends that I can talk to. Thanks in advance to those of you who took the time to read it and respond.

 

[ericraven2003]

You should have never agreed to a kid if you were already unsure of the marriage. Now, not only money wise, but not being around your child if you have a divorce is big issue. I would get into couple counseling and see what comes. If that doesn't work, then you will have to make a hard decision. Good luck.

 

[matt1164]

hey HR

I feel for you, man. that's a hard situation. sorry I don't have advice to give you but life gets difficult sometimes. it sucks. putting it all out here on a message board helps, especially if you have no one to talk to.

I hope it all works out for you. try and stay positive.

from what you wrote, you seem like a stand up guy. working two jobs is not easy.

wish you all the best

 

[Anarky]

bro, your in your forties, the grass isnt greener on the other side! you have a child! trust me, do everything you can so you wake up in the same house everyday as your child. i have spent the past 5 months waking up everyday away from my three kids because of a sour marriage. i do love my wife as it sounds like you do or you wouldnt be talking about it you would have already left. go to counseling, devote yourself to trying to understand what she may be going through. if you show you truly care hopefully she will start to come around as well. sometimes resentment can drive wedges between people. you have to get past it yourself before your partner will see that you are giving it all you have. i hope for you and your family the best possible outcome! you are more then welcome to pm me if you ever need to talk!

 

[Human Rocket]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I am fighting this urge to cut and run. It will pass I'm sure. My kid is absolutely the thing that keeps me going right now. Whatever I do it will be what is best for him.

 

[thebrick]

Wow friend. You have a lot on you. Your entire family does.

First, I am going to say from this point on in time is all that matters. Don't beat yourself up about perceived mistakes and the "what if's…" of the past because its guaranteed to be a dead end and will eat you up like a poisonous cancer. Let it go as much as you can.

Second, you think you can walk away and things will be better… it does not work that way. There is a child in this picture now and all your lives are forever joined, it does not matter if you are married or not. I am surprised you have any sex life at all with all the stress you have going right now.

Frankly, I think much of your stress comes from the overwhelming financial burden. If you can qualify for aid, take it!!! There is no shame in that when you truly need it. Your family's welfare comes first. Not what other people may think.

I am not going to pretend to be a marriage counselor, but it sounds like you have made the right step. If you both have the will to make your marriage work, somewhere in this, there is a way to make that happen.

Its not much consolation, but despite appearances, nobody has a perfect life and in reality, there is no running from problems. Like a friend told me long ago, the problem with moving away to start a new life is you have to take yourself with you. I hope you find your path and peace for your family.

 

[luckyone]

I feel for you bro. My first marriage ended in divorce with my wife leaving and taking my 7 and 11 year old sons with her. It took me years of therapy to recover and a lot of praying.

It's is great your guys are going to counseling, don't give up!!

There is a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by a Dr. Williard Harley. It is the best book I have come across to aid in helping hurt marriages get better. Please get a copy, you won't regret it. He also has a free web site called: marriagebuilders.com here is a link for it

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

Please believe me it is worth checking out. I will keep you in my prayers!!

your brother in Christ,

Lucky

 

[GS]

Your wife worked so disability shouldn't bother nobody if her parents don't like it don't tell them!.
The people that have not worked a day in their life is where i have a problem.
You have a lot on your shoulders but let me ask you this ,would she split?

 

[triathloncoach]

First of all try to get disability. Secondly, we are only hearing your side, but even skeptical me thinks you are doing everything you can.

What sort of physical and emotional therapy is she getting? I hope a lot. Does she know how unhappy you are? She needs to get individual help, or you need to do what you need to do.

Everyone has issues in their life. But you seem to have been delt more than your share.

 

[Nssca]

It's a long story and I'm not even sure what advice you guys can give me.

My wife and I have been married for almost nine years now. I'm 43 and she is 32. We have a two year old son.

Early on everything was great. We both had good jobs and were kind of living the middle class American dream. We had lots of free time, got to go out a lot, buy nice things for each other. Our sexual relationship was very satisfying.

We had been married about a year and a half when everything changed. My wife got dizzy while she was at work, fell, broke her neck and had a mild stroke. There were lots of medical bills even though we had insurance and we went from two incomes to one. Couldn't sue the employer, the doctors examined her and she got dizzy because she had a urinary tract infection. In fact, I had even told her not to go into work that day... that she should take off and see a doctor but she's really stubborn and in fact we had a huge argument about it that morning. This haunts me to this day.

So she goes through rehab and has to learn how to feed herself again, walk again, everything. She made good progress but to this day still has a slight speech impediment, is very weak on her left side and has frequent dizzy spells. She also has horrible migraine headaches which is something she's had since she was a teenager.

In the meantime our finances are crumbling. It's very difficult to adjust going from two incomes to one. Even cutting back we've managed to rack up a lot of credit card debt. There was talk about applying for disability but my wife's parents are extremely conservative and look down on people who get government aid. Allowing them to influence us was a huge mistake on my part.

A few years go by, we're just kind of muddling through it all. I started working two jobs to try to make ends meet and my wife was left at home alone a lot of the time. She was very lonely and unhappy. She started saying/doing stupid things to get attention. Making up stories about how she saw someone get shot at the local Wal-Mart. Story sounded fishy, never saw in the papers. I called the Wal-Mart and employees there said it never happened. So that's only a little psychotic, I know a lot of women have done worse.

Our sex life starts taking a real nose dive at this point and I'm kind of thinking about a divorce but I feel really sorry for her situation. I don't think she could make it on her own even if I paid alimony and even if things were turning sour I felt like I still loved her.

She started demanding we have a child. I thought maybe it would make her happy and we did both say we wanted to have kids when we first got married. But now that she's had the stroke I knew it wasn't a good idea for a lot of reasons, potential medical complications being one of them and additional financial stress being another.

But she made it through the pregnancy without any major health issues and a little over two years ago she gave birth to a beautiful son. I thought it would make her feel less lonely having a child to care for but instead things just got worse. She didn't realize what a huge responsibility it is being a mother and it's been really tough for her. To her credit, she's done a great job of taking care of him but now she complains about never getting any adult interaction. I'm still not around home as much as I'd like to be but I really do make an effort to have family activities with the both of them. But it's just not enough for her.

Our sex life is still not that great. We have sex maybe once a week. And that's if she's not having a migraine or on her period. And I'm not really trying to blame her for this... sometimes I'm just not interested in sleeping with her. I've looked into several health issues that might be causing the problem. I have low test, hypothyroidism, sleep apnea along with high blood pressure and high cholesterol. All are being treated except the sleep apnea (can't tolerate a CPAP machine.) I'm trying to lose weight to help with this. I'm down from 250lbs to 201 and am aiming for 185. It really hasn't helped my snoring though and I might wind up having to have surgery for it. I don't get good quality sleep right now and between working two jobs I'm just really exhausted all the time. I don't even go to the gym anymore.

I'm doing what I can to make our relationship work. We're going through marriage counseling. I really want to keep our marriage together now for the sake of my son.

So there it is... my screwed up little life. I'm still plugging away at least and trying to do the right thing. I dumped all this here because I really don't have any good friends that I can talk to. Thanks in advance to those of you who took the time to read it and respond.

First there are two perspectives in every marriage/relationship.
Id let her read this little post of yours and ask her to write a reply to it.
Tell her you want to hear her side of the story and let her respond to your opinions in your post.
Life brings us the things we need to get us to the next level. This all happened for a reason. Get some counseling. Find a therapist that you both feel comfortable with. Don't let what looks like trouble cause you to turn away form each other. Let this bring you both together...to work on your marriage and keep a family for your son. I know you have bills to pay and a roof to keep over your heads. But don't let that be more important than the love you have for your wife.

 

[brutale]

You come across as a fair and reasonable person. I feel for you given your situation. Life ain't easy, as they say.

Doing the "hard thing" is usually the right thing. First off, you need to get finances under control. That means adjusting your lifestyle - not pleasant, but the peace of mind is worth it. (I rented out my big apartment and moved into a small one when my income dropped.). Your wife is evidently disabled - therefore, she should be on disability. If her parents won't make up the money you guys would receive, they have no say in the matter. If your wife refuses to apply, you must give her an ultimatum: "this affects us both. Do the right thing, or we're done as a couple".

Assuming she behaves reasonably, you can see how you feel once the financial stress is reduced. I would not stay together "for your son". Be a great dad for your son. Take care of your son. But being trapped in a bad relationship and feeling crappy for years will be a bad thing not only for you but for your son. Instead, be a happy person who is v involved with his son and get into a better relationship where you can model positive things for your boy.

If you can get your relationship back on track, that will be great. I think you need to be firm and have good boundaries here. My two cents.

 

[Human Rocket]

Thought I'd bump this with a little update. No, obviously things have not dramatically turned around but we are doing somethings that can only be positive. I finally talked my wife into going to the gym with me on a regular basis. It gets us out of the house, away from the kid (he goes to child watch) and we get to be together doing something that I enjoy and that I think she soon will to.

We're doing a 5x5 program 3 days a week. Keep in mind my wife's balance/stability issues so we're working with machines and not free weights right now. Working on the machines makes it easy to adjust weights quickly so we can alternate on the same exercise. We do chest press, lat pulldown and leg press all 5x5 and (since we're not squatting we're doing the glute machine, too) She keeps a log of our lifts and she'll start to be impressed soon when she sees how she is moving the weights up week after week.

Noob gains are always fun and for a woman, my wife is an easy gainer. The last time she worked out was just before her stroke and she had gotten her bodyfat down to the point where she had some vasularity all down her forearms. It kind of grossed her out but I thought it was sexy as fuck! I think in three months she can kind of get back to that and it will be a real accomplishment for her. And I will probably run a beginner's cycle of TestC starting in Octobor so I really have something to look forward to there.

As to the money problems, I'm still getting no raises on my day job and the night job (pizza delivery) is slowly wearing me now. I do tech work during the day and figure I could run my own PC tech business on the side and make a little money. Counting all the overhead, I probably wouldn't make much better than delivering pizza but I'd be my own boss, making my own hours and dealing with a higher class of customers. I think it would be a definite improvement.

My wife did apply for disability a few months back and got turned down so now we are getting a lawyer to make out the next application. It could be something like 2 years total before she gets approved but the money builds up in the mean time and we'd get it lump sum (lawyer taking %25) but that would be a nice windfall. Could wipeout a bunch of debt that way.

So, tough as it is, things are bearable in the short term and there's hope they'll get a lot better in the long term.

Thanks to all of you who've made kind supportive statements and offered advice. True bros, indeed!