My daughter doesn't like my girlfriend

[aris527]

Hello sirs.
I m divorced two times, and i have three kids from the second marriage. My kids are living with their mother at another city.
I have them at Christmas, Easter, and one month at summer.
I have a relationship with a woman that she is divorced too ,and she has a son.
Here is the problem, my oldest daughter, is 14yo and she doesn't want to see me with another woman. Special with the girl i m with now, because she thinks that she was the reason i broke up with their mother. Same problem with the son of my girlfriend. He doesn't like me , for the same reason.
The truth is that my ex wife , have psychological problems

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Hello sirs.
I m divorced two times, and i have three kids from the second marriage. My kids are living with their mother at another city.
I have them at Christmas, Easter, and one month at summer.
I have a relationship with a woman that she is divorced too ,and she has a son.
Here is the problem, my oldest daughter, is 14yo and she doesn't want to see me with another woman. Special with the girl i m with now, because she thinks that she was the reason i broke up with their mother. Same problem with the son of my girlfriend. He doesn't like me , for the same reason.
The truth is that my ex wife , have psychological problems

So you want to get to the point that your daughter and girlfriend's son are comfortable with your current relationship, correct?

In this case, it appears your daughter and gf's son have the problem. Not you. All of these changes have put a strain on them.

I think you'll find that the more you communicate with them your thoughts and feelings on the matter, and how important she is to you, they'll come around. They seem to need to believe they have some say (even though they really don't). However, for the sake of harmony, you may want to do some things that give them the feeling that they do.

Get them involved. For example, say you want to do something nice for your girlfriend. Ask them what they think would be a good idea. Just an example. Doesn't have to be that exactly that but get them involved. Listen to their opinions.

I think you'll find the more comfortable they become with your decisions and their place in them, the more quickly they'll adjust to you and her together. They don't get to make your decisions for you but there's nothing wrong with giving them the perception that they have some control (which is really what this is all about).

OTH

 

[aris527]

Hello sirs.
I m divorced two times, and i have three kids from the second marriage. My kids are living with their mother at another city.
I have them at Christmas, Easter, and one month at summer.
I have a relationship with a woman that she is divorced too ,and she has a son.
Here is the problem, my oldest daughter, is 14yo and she doesn't want to see me with another woman. Special with the girl i m with now, because she thinks that she was the reason i broke up with their mother. Same problem with the son of my girlfriend. He doesn't like me , for the same reason.
The truth is that my ex wife , have psychological problems

My ex had problems and that is the reason a broke up.
So i have tried to involve my kids with the same way you told me , but the oldest daughter still have the same attitude.
I can't ignore her but I can't live my life thinking what she likes or not. I told her that and if she doesn't approve my relationship thats her problem, she is too young to judge me.
I hope she understands it.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

My ex had problems and that is the reason a broke up.
So i have tried to involve my kids with the same way you told me , but the oldest daughter still have the same attitude.
I can't ignore her but I can't live my life thinking what she likes or not. I told her that and if she doesn't approve my relationship thats her problem, she is too young to judge me.
I hope she understands it.

Correct. You can't have kids pulling the strings and no, you don't give them total control, but you can give them some. When my young son would scream, "I'm not going to school today!" What I would do is say, "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green one?" or "What do you want for breakfast?"

It has the effect of taking the child's focus off what they have no choice in (e.g accepting their dad's relationship or going to school) and allowing them to feel they had some control over some part of it.

It works very well.

I wish you luck!

 

[showstopper83]

My ex had problems and that is the reason a broke up.
So i have tried to involve my kids with the same way you told me , but the oldest daughter still have the same attitude.
I can't ignore her but I can't live my life thinking what she likes or not. I told her that and if she doesn't approve my relationship thats her problem, she is too young to judge me.
I hope she understands it.

Though you are right that her attitude is the problem, thats not really a tactful approach to tell basically a child who is struggling with her parents divorce.

Not trying to talk shit, but how can you possibly expect a 14 year old kid to understand that?

My gut tells me your ex may be feeding this, seeing as how thats where most of her time is spent.

 

[aris527]

I now that my ex is feeding this situation.
I have except the fact that my kids at that age can't understand me, maybe they will never understand me. As they getting older, i can see some changes and i m very open with them. I m discussing everything that there are on their minds.
I hope it goes well, i can't do anything else