My engagement is over...need my brothers

[BALDNAZI]

As all of you know I have been through hell and back and I had a beautiful girl stay with me throughout my ordeal. I decided at that point to get engaged and we did so this Christmas. The relationship had ups and downs throughout, but I never cheated on her, she did not cheat on me,fights were kept to a minimum things were good 95% of the time, we were best friends literaly for 3 years together.

Things changed drasticaly after the ring was on her finger. We fought more, we bickered, money was an issue etc. And we had the huge blowup that I wrote about here a few weeks ago when I took the ring back. We took a break for a few days talked over the issues and she promised that things would change and she would not act that way. It lasted for about a week. So back to the fighting and bickering since then and finally last Thursday was the end, one last huge fight and its over. We have a few details to work over like the cars and bills etc, but it is over.

Here are the issues that led to this.....

1) Her family is relatively well off. Her mother is an exec at Phizer makes a ton and her stepdad is a vice pres at a local hospital(the real father split when she was younger)The problem is with the stepdad.
He is a pompous,college educated,political correct asshole. He is always right and he is just not "comfortable" to be around. When it was time to ask for her hand, I made the mistake of sitting with him and asking for her hand out of respect. I was refused, I was told that my political beliefs and my tattoos were not acceptable and that he never had any faith in this relationship because he felt I was a tough guy and a steroid user. BUT he said "you can marry her, just know that you will receive no financial support from us"
This was fine because A) Your just her stepdad,your nobody,fuck you and I do not need your money.andB) Her mother and brother always liked me so I felt this would not be an issue.Afterall I was marrying her,not him

2) I am going through some financial hell right now. My insurance company denied my claim for what happened to me last year. I am in the hole with medical bills over $300,000 as of right now. My attorney is fighting to make them pay, but it does not look good. I may have no choice but to file bancruptcy. This has cause major pressure in my relationship.My girl is scared about our finacial future and she should be, but I have a good family behind me and no matter what happens they will be able to get me back on my feet.Afterall, they love her, and they would make sure they helped the marriage work.

3)I work in Real Estate which is commission only. The big checks are great, but they are no way of raising a family since it is not guaranteed. You have great months and then you have shit months, and in this current market here in NY and the rest of the country, even the top producers are hurting and have been. This did not sit well with my fiance,nor did it sit well with me so I have been looking at starting my own business and I have some ideas along with financial backing to make it happen if the right thing comes up. But this scared her, she wanted me to get a regular job, even if it meant getting paid $15 an hour.Fuck that, there is no way I can pay for our lifestyle with that.

So these are the big 3 reasons this relationship is over. It caused major stress for both of us and the final nail in the coffin is that even though 2 and 3 can be worked out #1 is something that I cannot deal with. He puts up a front when I am around like we are all good, but you can feel the tension in the room like no other. She is very hurt by this and is mad at both of us for it.

I have to tell you I feel like 1 million pounds of pressure has been lifted from me, Im not as upset as I thought I would be. I have the opportunity to deal with my financial stuff without the added pressure of "how the hell are we going to pull this wedding/marriage off" My head is clear. I miss her and we talked this morning about all of this and she cried and holds out hope that we will be together after my stuff is handled but in my eyes if she was pushed this far,then there is no going back.

So I feel like I will go back to dating just to ease my mind off of being alone, nothing serious at all,maybe return to my whoring days alittle bit. But my main focus which it hasnt been since the engagement is me. I need to get myself in order before I can handle a wife and a family. I realize this now, and I think this is for the best.

Any thoughts guys?

 

[MMAGorilla]

Hey BALDNAZI, I'm sorry to read your post. I don't really have any good advice for you, but I will say that after reading your post a couple of times that it sounds like you're making a very wise decision.
As it happens, I've had the opportunity of late to really evaluate my marriage, and your points #1 and #3 are so often overlooked and brushed aside because of the intense feelings you have for your girl, but they will always be there. You not only marry the person you love, but their family as well. I applaud you for having the courage to start your own business, and any woman who is not willing to help you pursue your dreams and strive to be the man you want to be is not acting in your best interests.
As I'm learning my friend, every ending is a new beginning, and as cliche as it sounds, it really is true. The kicker for me was when you said you felt like a million pounds of pressure had been lifted off you- I felt that way also- trust your instincts bro!

 

[skookum]

What you have gone through with your girl is the real shits, BN, and I feel for you...Money and family can be huge stressors on a relationship, been there myself. Additionally, when your own backyard is a "mess" it can be difficult to adequately meet another's needs 'cuz your so wrapped up. I think you've got the right attitude, looking at the positive and taking care of business. Best of luck, man!!!

 

[hotttsauce]

From one bald brotha to anotha, sorry to hear about in man. I got"disengaged" 10 months ago myself. You can not smoke enough, drink enough, f@#k enough, drug enough or anything enough to make it better. Your gonna make great gains and make huge mistakes. It is always easier giving advice when your outside of the box looking in, cuz you don't have emotions involved, but, time will heal. Remember, good relationships arent that hard. It takes a lot of effort to have a bad one. In time you will realize that and if there was such difficulty with those issues, did you really wanna be with her anyway?

When you find that right one, it will make everything worth it and you will look back and say, wow, lucky I am still not there! Until then, pound as much iron, chicks and drugz as ya can!

 

[BOOMSHAKER]

BN, very sorry to hear that you decided to call things off. However only yo7u knew what you were going through. I am sure there is a gal out there that is right and fits you very well. I wish you all the best brother!

P.S. her stepdad sounded like one big asshole!

 

[marooned]

Your post reminds me of a time in my past where I faced some of the same challenges. I see them as just that, challenges or conditions in your life right now. The med bills are conditions of a situation not your life. The job situation is a condition. The real challenges, and this I am sure is no surprise to you but you may need to remind yourself of it, are the challenges you make to yourself. Getting along with stepdaddy is a challenge you made to yourself to fit the situation of with the woman you care about. He didn't make it, she didn't make it, you did. That's why you did it no matter how hard, you get along and held back from breaking his bones .
Now I think you have been and maybe still are taking on the stress and some responsibility of others decisions. The weight you feel gone is you let some of that responsibility go. Read back your post and see that you took on all the responsibility of your choices and hers and his. You don't have to do that. Accept what others choose to do and choose what YOU do for YOU. No one can be made to do anything so let them choose and let them take on the responsibilty of what they choose and just accept their choices. Then you can decide if they are something you want in your life or not.
You create your life. Your free to create it any way you want. Everyone else is free also and making decisions for them so accept them. If you want something other than what is in your life, go get it. I know you never let down a challenge to yourself. Good idea to focus on you. Create your life because it's not worrying about money and stress. Where you are is just where you are starting from.
Just my 2 cents. I'm late for work

 

[oldfella]

MY Brother!

Damn Bn, I have a lump in my throat. This sucks! But as you pointed out you must look after number one. You have just found out that unfortunately no one else will do this for you. First about the Insurance and Med Bills. You are alive and well. your recovery has been astounding, let the lawyer try to make them pay but in the end Bankrupcy is not a jail term! many companies and individuals go through this. it is not a good situation but when all else has failed you file and all of your debts are gone. You simply start rebuilding all over again. Just another one of lifes' setbacks. No shame bro, no shame at all. YOU ARE ALIVE and that is what counts. Now to relationships, I have a basic philosophy when it comes to this. People will come and go through your life all of your life. Some will remain longer than others and some will become part of your memories. Just remember the good times and the smiles, we do not know what the future holds my friend and in the end we often have no control over these situations or their outcomes. You made the most of what you had and it has just not worked out the way you or she had hoped. Keep the animosity out and live your life brother. There are more people coming your way and more that are yet to leave. Go and be the person you are, work on your business plans, have some fun and put the past well behind you. I am deeply sorry to read your post but it also has a tone of relief to it. I can read in your words that you have had a burden of uncertainty and apprehension lifted from you. Life is short, no one would realize this more than you, so it is time to begin anew and live. You have been granted a second chance at everything my friend, go and make the most of what is on offer. You are a good person, your heart is true...........someone somewhere will soon see this.............you will see! Good luck on your endeavours and God Bless!

 

[sunstateheavyweight]

Sometimes in the heat of things one does not realize that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Atleast you were able to figure this out before marriage and before you brought another life into the world.

 

[nosmas]

Sorry BN.

 

[Big A]

From what you just said, it sounds like she did not have faith in you to achieve what you knew/know you will. So I think you did the right thing.

 

[hngrygrl]

But my main focus which it hasnt been since the engagement is me. I need to get myself in order before I can handle a wife and a family. I realize this now, and I think this is for the best.

Any thoughts guys?

sweetie you are such a big man (and I mean mentally) for realizing this now. Better to end it now then AFTER you go thru the hassle (and put your families thru) paying for a wedding and then paying for a divorce. Sometimes the ppl in our lives that make the biggest impact are supposed to leave. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Shes has done what GOd wanted her to do for you in her life and now it is time to move on. I wish you the best of luck in your life. You both deserve to be happy. I'm happy that a weight has been brought off your shoulders. Move on, but never forget. Again, better to realize this now than after you are married and financially tied to one another. Good luck and keep us updated on YOU. Remember that You are truly the only person you ever have in this life. Only you can rely on you. and in the end, the only person you have is yourself. Good luck on your new single life finding yourself journey.

 

[hngrygrl]

From one bald brotha to anotha, sorry to hear about in man. I got"disengaged" 10 months ago myself. You can not smoke enough, drink enough, f@#k enough, drug enough or anything enough to make it better. Your gonna make great gains and make huge mistakes. It is always easier giving advice when your outside of the box looking in, cuz you don't have emotions involved, but, time will heal. Remember, good relationships arent that hard. It takes a lot of effort to have a bad one. In time you will realize that and if there was such difficulty with those issues, did you really wanna be with her anyway?

When you find that right one, it will make everything worth it and you will look back and say, wow, lucky I am still not there! Until then, pound as much iron, chicks and drugz as ya can!

thought this post held some much wisdom in it that it needed to be quoted and bumped. Hottsauce.....very smart

 

[thebrick]

Any one of those three situations would put huge stress on any relationship. All three at one time is just too much. I think you are doing the right thing. I think the fact that you feel "a million pounds has been lifted off you" says you feel the same. I am a big believer in trusting your gut instinct.

 

[Blitzkrieg]

Sorry to hear about that BN. It sounds like if money was this much of an issue in the relationship it's better that you did this sooner than later. And like brick said, the fact that you feel like weight's been lifted from you says a lot. We got your back, bro.

 

[littleguy]

sometimes things happen for a reason. I have seen a few people file bankruptcy and never close the file. They just keep incurring debt and just tell people their in bankruptcy. that might be an option for you. best of luck

 

[doug1]

Here are the issues that led to this.....

1)The problem is with the stepdad.
He is a pompous,college educated,political correct asshole. He is always right and he is just not "comfortable" to be around. When it was time to ask for her hand, I made the mistake of sitting with him and asking for her hand out of respect. I was refused, I was told that my political beliefs and my tattoos were not acceptable and that he never had any faith in this relationship because he felt I was a tough guy and a steroid user. BUT he said "you can marry her, just know that you will receive no financial support from us"
This was fine because A) Your just her stepdad,your nobody,fuck you and I do not need your money.andB) Her mother and brother always liked me so I felt this would not be an issue.Afterall I was marrying her,not him

sorry about your heartache and pain, but this situation i quoted is not worth the hassle, when you marry someone, it's the whole family.

 

[EVERLAST]

Things that happen in life, particularly your love life, can hit you hard.
These things have a purpose, and in the end the reasons become clear.

I had a beautiful blonde whom I loved and trusted as my wife, lover, bookkeeper and friend. She drove away in the red convertible BMW I bought her with 30K out of my company payroll AND left me with 35K in credit card debt just over 4 years ago.

Nine months ago I met the most beautiful person I have ever known, inside and out, and have made plans to marry again. Something I swore never to do.
She lifts like me, eats like me, lives like me and has the same goals and aspirations. You may know her here as Sassy. She got me hooked up with this site and has helped in soooo many other ways.

I say this to you to let you know that others have faced the dark times ahead of you and that there are still good women in the world and that you will find the one for you when the timing is right. Just hang tough.

I just hope her folks don't freak when they see my tattoos...

 

[Sassy]

I have to tell you I feel like 1 million pounds of pressure has been lifted from me, Im not as upset as I thought I would be. I have the opportunity to deal with my financial stuff without the added pressure of "how the hell are we going to pull this wedding/marriage off" My head is clear.

Sounds like you have a lot of good advise and support already, but I thought I'd chime in too, because I've been here too. What you said about feeling the pressure being lifted... don't second guess yourself. Trust your instincts and let me tell you there is better out there.

I was in a relationship where I had doubts about the guy I was dating. As those doubts start growing stronger, the truth about him came to light and I realized this guy was not who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Then after we broke up I met someone new who I had a extremely good feeling about. My instincts were telling me I needed to learn more about this guy... and we've been seeing each other ever since. I was married for 8 yrs and I've been divorced for 6 yrs. I had decided marriage wasn't in the cards for me until now. Meeting Everlast has totally changed all of that.

Your ex may be a wonderful person; however, if your instincts are telling you something's just not right, then listen to them. Like you said above take this time to get your own situation cleared up. Hang in there... it will get better!

btw... it's going to be very interesting when my folks see Everlast's tattoo. LOL

 

[SAWADEEKROB]

I have to tell you I feel like 1 million pounds of pressure has been lifted from me, Im not as upset as I thought I would be. I have the opportunity to deal with my financial stuff without the added pressure of "how the hell are we going to pull this wedding/marriage off" My head is clear. I miss her and we talked this morning about all of this and she cried and holds out hope that we will be together after my stuff is handled but in my eyes if she was pushed this far,then there is no going back.

So I feel like I will go back to dating just to ease my mind off of being alone, nothing serious at all,maybe return to my whoring days alittle bit. But my main focus which it hasnt been since the engagement is me. I need to get myself in order before I can handle a wife and a family. I realize this now, and I think this is for the best.

Any thoughts guys?

1. I am sorry that you lost so many years of love and devotion put into a relationship that did not materialized into a loving marriage.

2. I agree that the stepfather issue was a big deal since it seems from the tone of your conversation that she did not choose sides in this matter, so that IMO was a bad sign.

3. If you are so interested in dating again, maybe it is time to go and look for that arabian girl you mentioned in the other thread that had also finished with her boyfriend and was asking your sister and mother about you. Who knows maybe she is really the one...

Good luck and bounce back soon!

 

[Iabadman]

Just wanted to say I enjoyed our talk this morning .[as always my friend] B you will be just fine. There was alot of good things that are still left in your relationship. Slow down bro. You have been through so much. Don't run into doing the chick thing. Finish this thing out however it plays out first. Enjoy that were spared and have been given a gift by keeping your health/life.

You have a ton of talent, courage,and character. You just are so all or nothing [ most bbers /fighters are ] and man that is not realistic if you want a nice stable existance [ take my example and learn from it] Don't expect others to live,love ,or believe as you do .[ or you will be disappointed every time.............I am saddened by this everyday..probably my biggest weakness ....I don't get the selfish ,dissrespectful behaviors that I see daily or even how people in positions of power run things........what happened to ," do unto others" ," play it foward " " one random act of kindness eachday" ......."fuck ,was I the only one buying this shit ? " I don't get how one could want to be any otherway.......I can't understand not fixing what is broken ,especially what is not one's fault ie ....brain chemistry issues or past tramas .......why is everyone in denial ? They hide with drugs,sex ,or toys .....be brave enough to deal with your shit .........life is hard .....dont make it harder by burrying shit under the rug......seek real happiness[and not what you think makes you happy , but real peace /tranquility] .....that should be your number one goal in this world , but not at the expense of others .And if you are really cool , maybe help or impact in a positive manner a few people or animals along the way ..........Hard is that ? I am not preaching to you B, just ranting because you are such a good guy .....it just pisses me off that more people just don't care or want to get it .......thats all bro this wasn't aimed at you at all........just bitching....lol]

Anyway, slow down .Keep me posted .Make some plans .then work really hard every day to reach the goals one step at a time.[this will ring true in your relationship ,business , or bbing] Life is not that much different than bbing .If you set goals and do the right things every day you will progress without a doubt .[you may not get what you seek , but you will progress] Also , fix what is broken [ just like bbing or powerlifting ] find your weakest links and work hard to fix them. Be accountable and responsible to yourself and others as well..............You have been through so much and you are still here.........take a deep breath ,access some shit , set some goals ,make some plans, work hard to achieve your goals and fix what hurts you inside, day by day , you will get there my friend . I have zero doubts and you shouldn't either . Just slow down, Rome wasn't built in a day and either will your life. Today is a new begining .......enjoy the journey my friend [ and that is the hardest part .......I struggle everyday with this .......guys like us want imediate change.......and want to be the hero and save the day .....we cant bro ,it won't happen] Just slow it down for me.........K ?.......ask yourself when and what makes you feel peaceful ? Then go after that .......along the way be a good ,kind ,loving person.......but chill out !!!After all you have been through, you been running emotion ,adrenilin , and putting huge ammounts of pressure on yourself . Believe me , that is not the road to hapiness .......lol ....been there done that ....lol.......Chill out and you will be fine.......I have made every mistake you have made and then some.....ha ha .....remember what I try to live by ," Sound mind " Sound Body " .......it all starts in the mind fix , heal , and gain control of [ you have the body shit down....lol] Relax and heal abit .......it will all come together for you.......promise !!!!!!!!!! I have my struggles and frustraitions ......but I stay true to myself and what I learned ......It is a process mastering this thing we call life .........[sometimes we don't learn until it is too late I am afraid ] ....." life is a struggle " " Never give in " ..........find peace and clarity first , then divide and conquer .[ not the other way around silly .....learn from my dumb ass ....ha ha ]

Much Love my friend. You are special man . Very few warriors in this world with a sensitive side . And that is what sepparates you from the pack[Dante aka DC is like this , So is Big A ]. You are young ,live in a macho tough place that doesn't always value or see what I see , so understanding how different that really makes you might not be apparent yet . But I hope you find something in what I have said here [ even my crazy rant] .It will serve you well .I haven't mastered shit ye,t and I still have my share of hurt .......but I hide from nothing , face my fears, fix what is broken , fight to be better everyday , and along the way I try to love /share as much as possible ................