My marriage is falling apart one day at a time

[abolish the weak]

I'm in a very tough spot right now. I've been married for 3 yrs, we've been together for almost 6 now. I have a stepdaughter who is 9, and a new son who is just 6 wks old. Ahhh, where do I even begin here? Well, we moved out of the apartment 2 yrs ago and bought a house. The house is small, not bad for a starter home but its in a really bad neighborhood. It's all I could afford at the time because I was the only one working then. My wife really liked it because it was renovated and had a huge yard, the home isnt bad but the neighborhood is a ghetto. I cant let my stepdaughter ride her bike or even go out of the yard. She has no neighborhood friends to play with, she sits inside bored all the time. Well, problem #1, now she wants to go live with her dad who is remarried and lives in a nice,safe neighborhood. She has a step brother who is close to her age and they can ride bikes together. He wants to send her to a really good private school. Must be nice to have a wife that makes all that money. Well my wife is really upset about it, and on top of that has had no sleep at all from taking care of the baby. There is not much I can do to help because I'm just not home much. And I can;t help that. I work 24 hr shifts w/ the fire dept and on my off days I started personal training. And anyone who personal trains knows that the bulk of your clients are mornings and evenings. I'm not home to eat dinner with them, and by the time I get home its almost 8:00p. I dont really have much of a choice though, if I dont do it we dont pay our bills and get what we need. I fucked up a few yrs ago, I started a business that was going very well and then when the economy collapsed it went to shit. And I was putting much of my own money into it to try and keep it afloat. It destroyed my credit in the process. All I'm trying to do is get us a better life, thats all I've ever tried to do. I can;t make it off just one job. So lately my wife is making it all feel like my fault, I'm never around to help. I can count on one hand the number of times I've had a piece of ass in the past year. I'm not trying to be selfish and I realize hormones can get fucked when they get pregnant but come on man, less than 5 times in almost a year? I feel like if I dont get some soon I'm going to cheat on her. I basically told her today she needs to just give me some or I'm getting it someplace else. But here is my biggest problem, I dont want a divorce. But everytime we get in any argument SHE automatically goes down that road and says shit like "I think you need to live somewhere else" "If you dont leave then I'm leaving" Then the next day I guess its dropped. But my deal is if she goes to that everytime then I guess she really isnt happy. I dont want it to come to that, I dont want my fucking kid raised by somebody else, he just got here!! But at the same time I dont even want to be around her anymore lately. All she does is bitch about things that are wrong, she is very depressing to be around. I'm def between a rock and a hard place, I cannot quit working either job and I cannot change that. If she ever had a halfway decent job we wouldn't have had half of these problems. I feel like she is never going to do anything with her life, like I'm the only one who will. So when one person does not work I guess the other has to be gone all of the time. On top of that she is throwing bodybuilding in my fucking face. But I hardly spend any money on it, my training takes place in between clients, and usually I'm not a moody dieter. Bodybuilding is the only thing that keeps me sane. I dont fucking know what to do. I know one thing though, I want to get out of this fucking ghetto and better our lives and the life for my son. It's hard to do when one of you seems to not give a shit about doing anything financially. I think we've grown apart, as long as she has her stupid cigarettes and phone she is fine. I need more than that, I want a nice home, a safe neighborhood.

 

[sadie]

i am so very sorry you are going through all that.. its so rough. marriage is so hard sometimes and kids and bills etc... its hard to know what to do.. if it were me i would sit down and really talk about this.. you cant throw that "ill get it elsewhere" in her face and she cant threaten a divorce all the time.. those are the exact kind of statements that WILL end things eventually.. i know its frustrating.. i was with a man like that for 7 yrs.. sex 3-4 times a yr and it drove me insane beyond comprehension.. i have made the same statements you have also.. they get you no where.. just sit down and think about what you really want.. what it takes to get what you want.. and if you BOTH are capable of doing it.. good luck to you both hang in there

 

[pesty4077]

I'm in a very tough spot right now. I've been married for 3 yrs, we've been together for almost 6 now. I have a stepdaughter who is 9, and a new son who is just 6 wks old. Ahhh, where do I even begin here? Well, we moved out of the apartment 2 yrs ago and bought a house. The house is small, not bad for a starter home but its in a really bad neighborhood. It's all I could afford at the time because I was the only one working then. My wife really liked it because it was renovated and had a huge yard, the home isnt bad but the neighborhood is a ghetto. I cant let my stepdaughter ride her bike or even go out of the yard. She has no neighborhood friends to play with, she sits inside bored all the time. Well, problem #1, now she wants to go live with her dad who is remarried and lives in a nice,safe neighborhood. She has a step brother who is close to her age and they can ride bikes together. He wants to send her to a really good private school. Must be nice to have a wife that makes all that money. Well my wife is really upset about it, and on top of that has had no sleep at all from taking care of the baby. There is not much I can do to help because I'm just not home much. And I can;t help that. I work 24 hr shifts w/ the fire dept and on my off days I started personal training. And anyone who personal trains knows that the bulk of your clients are mornings and evenings. I'm not home to eat dinner with them, and by the time I get home its almost 8:00p. I dont really have much of a choice though, if I dont do it we dont pay our bills and get what we need. I fucked up a few yrs ago, I started a business that was going very well and then when the economy collapsed it went to shit. And I was putting much of my own money into it to try and keep it afloat. It destroyed my credit in the process. All I'm trying to do is get us a better life, thats all I've ever tried to do. I can;t make it off just one job. So lately my wife is making it all feel like my fault, I'm never around to help. I can count on one hand the number of times I've had a piece of ass in the past year. I'm not trying to be selfish and I realize hormones can get fucked when they get pregnant but come on man, less than 5 times in almost a year? I feel like if I dont get some soon I'm going to cheat on her. I basically told her today she needs to just give me some or I'm getting it someplace else. But here is my biggest problem, I dont want a divorce. But everytime we get in any argument SHE automatically goes down that road and says shit like "I think you need to live somewhere else" "If you dont leave then I'm leaving" Then the next day I guess its dropped. But my deal is if she goes to that everytime then I guess she really isnt happy. I dont want it to come to that, I dont want my fucking kid raised by somebody else, he just got here!! But at the same time I dont even want to be around her anymore lately. All she does is bitch about things that are wrong, she is very depressing to be around. I'm def between a rock and a hard place, I cannot quit working either job and I cannot change that. If she ever had a halfway decent job we wouldn't have had half of these problems. I feel like she is never going to do anything with her life, like I'm the only one who will. So when one person does not work I guess the other has to be gone all of the time. On top of that she is throwing bodybuilding in my fucking face. But I hardly spend any money on it, my training takes place in between clients, and usually I'm not a moody dieter. Bodybuilding is the only thing that keeps me sane. I dont fucking know what to do. I know one thing though, I want to get out of this fucking ghetto and better our lives and the life for my son. It's hard to do when one of you seems to not give a shit about doing anything financially. I think we've grown apart, as long as she has her stupid cigarettes and phone she is fine. I need more than that, I want a nice home, a safe neighborhood.

There is a few things I like to point out, that you said. Number 1, your family is more important than anything, this includes BodyBuilding. Bro, you work to much, and that is why you are losing your family. You have to spend quality time with your family. Before you answer, MY BILLS! You are living over your means, create a Budget and stick with it! Finaces are one of the biggest contributors to divorce. If you are having sexual issues, she probally doesn't feel the love you once had. REKINDLE THAT FIRE! Sometimes you have to live at the bottom, to get up that ladder. Your wife just had a baby, she will not feel like working, for probally that first year. Don't worry about your former business, been there done that, worry about the personal bills first. I would drop the personal training, cut my workouts in 1/2 or only 3 days a week and spend it with my family, before I lose them. If you are having problems with budgeting, there is people that do finacing on this borad. I am good at it, I had to adjust my income to less than 1/2. It sounds like you want your family, sit your wife down and start communicating and be nice as pie.

PS: The next time she says go live somewhere else, you answer" Only if you go with me, because I love you so much"

 

[RONJON]

man sounds like moving would be really good for you guys..i know its hard to do and especially with having to get a new job and shit..but definitely worth giving it a check out ya know...maybe look for a job and place and see if you can get something set up while ur doing your thing right now???

Wish I could help out man..dont really know but Ill say a prayer things get better ...there is nothing more important than family and I know you guys can work through tha hard times bro

 

[abolish the weak]

thanx for the advice guys. We talked about some things tonight and I've decided to make a few changes with myself first. #1- I'm going to stick out the personal training and establish a better/more convenient client base. I have to take what I can get right now so the first month is going to be harder, but I'm going to arrange my training with them so at 6:00 pm I'm done for the day. I think there will be enough clients soon enough that I could do like 6am-11am, then go back and do like 3-6:00pm, I'll still get enough money but still be home not too late.

#2- When I get home my cell phone goes off. A few of my buddies love to call and talk bodybuilding at night around 10 or 11:00 when their wives go to bed. No more of that. Also, I'm going to try and take my wife out at least 1-2x/wk and the cell goes off then too.

#3- I hate this one, but no more pro muscle in the evenings if she is still awake. Hence the reason I'm on now late,LOL I sit at the PC way too much when I should be with them. Bodybuilding is such an addiction sometimes!!

#4- I'm still training hard and following through w/ the show in 8 wks, but my training will only take place in the a.m. or in between clients when I would not have time to come home anyways.


Maybe this is a start, I hope. Like I said above, my kid aint being raised by some other guy, not on my watch.

 

[triathloncoach]

Hang in there

You'll figure it all out in time. You will get to where ever you want to be. You have too much drive and a lot of astute awareness of your situation. Keep respecting yourself. Not to throw gas in the fire tho', - I saw your list, how is your wife compromising?

 

[marilyn]

Sounds like you are making some positive changes and still willing to try to make things work,...so it may not be too late with WAY too much damage....Hope is received well.....like Saddie said, you can't say things like "you will get it elsewhere"...Because you will never be able to take that back, or make her think you havent already.....I wish you the best. Keep us posted.

 

[RONJON]

yea bro...that plan sounds pretty good. Best of luck with everything man

 

[EVERLAST]

ATW...

You are on track now...
You are in a tough spot, but you have good support and a plan.

TALK to her.
Both of you agree not to ambush...
No threats,
No yelling,
just TALK (and don't forget to listen)

She has just had her body blown out by pregnancy and hormones and then sleep deprivation and I bet when you're gone she feels OVERWHELMED.

Reassure her and show her you care. Spend some time w her. (Doing her stuff...not always yours)

I know we don't know each other but sometimes an anonymous stranger is the BEST person to talk to. Objectivity can be extremely revealing.

Man, I am here if you need to talk...

 

[finny]

Agree with Pesty 100%.

1. You work way too much. Think of your wife and kids - do you want to grow with them or be a provider. If you think you're entitled to sex after an 18hr day, think again. If she's not happy with the quality of marriage brought by the fact that you are never around how can you expect to have sex??? I would invest in a good doll and you can have sex anytime you want - sorry for the harsh words.

You said you're a fire fighter. From what I know, they make pretty good money, which leads me to believe that you live beyond your means like many of us do. Your house does not seem expensive, so not sure where your money goes. You have to really look to yourself to see where you want to be as far as your new son, stepdaughter, and the wife. I understand her perspective completely.

Now, it's not the best of time to sell, but why wouldn't move to a semi or a townhouse in a fairly respectible neighbourhood and give up some of the backyard, etc. Everyone has to understand that you can't have it all and have to decide what is important.

2. There is nothing more important to me than spending time with the family. Yes, sometimes it's very tough - you're tired all the time, running around, etc. but that is what parenting and family is all about. How many times did you go with the family on mini vacation? I'm not talking anything expensive - you can go camping,etc.

Would you rather have a family well provided for that is misarable - wife cheats on the side, kids are into drugs or some other trouble, etc, all because daddy is never home but brings the money in. Family is about unity and doing things together, and working on resolutions.

I'm sorry, no sympathy from me. I think you posted before about the sex thing. If you're so obsessed, then get it over with, have an affair or pay for sex if that is what will make you happy.

How about you do something nice for her. Not sure if you have a family support that could look after the baby and stepdauther, and you take your wife out for a picnic or similar - give her some pampering and affection and I'm sure intimacy will come. Yes, some women get overwhelmed with new baby, even though they don't work. If that is your case, you have to adjust things and everyone with have to come to terms that change is necessary - work just one job, be around more, help with the kids, do things together. Yes, this will mean some changes in how or where you live --- YOU MAKE YOUR LIFE...

 

[Diesel City]

You are on track now...
You are in a tough spot, but you have good support and a plan.

TALK to her.
Both of you agree not to ambush...
No threats,
No yelling,
just TALK (and don't forget to listen)

She has just had her body blown out by pregnancy and hormones and then sleep deprivation and I bet when you're gone she feels OVERWHELMED.

Reassure her and show her you care. Spend some time w her. (Doing her stuff...not always yours)

I know we don't know each other but sometimes an anonymous stranger is the BEST person to talk to. Objectivity can be extremely revealing.

Man, I am here if you need to talk...

+1.

Marriage isn't easy bro. You have to work at it. Once upon a time there was a reason you fell in love. Find it, re-light the fire. Talk to her, date your wife again. It will work, and I'd recommend a book called "The Love Dare". I think Wal-Mart has it even. My wife and I read it together, one thing I found out is that I had to make some changes, and lead my family by serving them...

Best of luck to you bro.

 

[ssdark1]

not sure i can add much considering i havent exactly mastered my own relationship problems, so take what i say for what its worth.

first of all, i respect the hell out you guys that put your wife first and handle your business at home, i strive to do the same. but i cant help but wonder if maybe sometimes one should be more selfish in pursuit of their own personal happiness.

i mean, who says that getting married and putting all of your energy and resources into making your wife happy is the path to your own happiness? i guess if your a christian the answer to that is easy, but what if your not?

what if you married the wrong girl? what if circumstances and feelings change? shouldnt you stop wasting precious time and move on to new experiences?

ATW isnt happy...its obvious, and it doesnt seem like his wife is putting out much effort. the man is working hard for the best interests of his family and it doesnt seem appreciated. now im sure that they both could put out more effort and work towards happiness, and i hope they do as it sounds like what he wants. but what if it transitions from a want to an obligation? he should stick it out even if it means hes not going to be satisfied in life? marriage at all costs?

its just confusing to me that alot of you guys will tell a fellow member to do whatever it takes to keep the family together without even knowing the wife and her actions and feelings. it is possible that in some situations people are better off moving on. not saying thats the case for you ATW, i wish you the best in your efforts and hope they are met with the same effort by your wife, but what if they arent?

nothing but respect for you guys, just a philosophical rant...

 

[PHIL HERNON]

My advice

1. Dont spend any more money on drugs..........or a trainer. Spend it on your family........drugs change your chemistry.....save money and move to another location.
2. Let your step daughter go to a better situation.......until you can provide something better with more safety and more of your time.
3. Be a decent amateur local bodybuilder..........or be a husband. You need to choose

You have a 6 week old baby......have you spent 1 whole day caring for her without your wifes help? Try it.......competing right now ???? Why??

 

[abolish the weak]

I appreciate everybody's advice, but I dont think some of you understand. It's like this, work 2 jobs right now, or file for bankruptcy. It's not as easy as just work 1 job and be home all the time. I fucked up, I started a business at the wrong time, and now I'm paying dearly for it. But hey, shit happens

 

[notsobig32]

1. Dont spend any more money on drugs..........or a trainer. Spend it on your family........drugs change your chemistry.....save money and move to another location.
2. Let your step daughter go to a better situation.......until you can provide something better with more safety and more of your time.
3. Be a decent amateur local bodybuilder..........or be a husband. You need to choose

You have a 6 week old baby......have you spent 1 whole day caring for her without your wifes help? Try it.......competing right now ???? Why??

Phil,

Great advice......and the payout from being a a great husband and father will outweigh ANYTHING else that you might achieve in your life.

 

[MAINEVENT]

I appreciate everybody's advice, but I dont think some of you understand. It's like this, work 2 jobs right now, or file for bankruptcy. It's not as easy as just work 1 job and be home all the time. I fucked up, I started a business at the wrong time, and now I'm paying dearly for it. But hey, shit happens

2 things stand out to me when reading your post.

1. Have you ever thought maybe your wife is having postpardum depression. Its not her fault but maybe her hormones are all out of whack,, coupled with she's stuck at home with the baby 24/7.

2. Why in the hell are you getting ready for a show when all of this is going on? What little time you do have free, you should be at home with your wife and baby helping out in anyway you can.

Quit being selfish and think about others for one minute.

 

[Diesel City]

I appreciate everybody's advice, but I dont think some of you understand. It's like this, work 2 jobs right now, or file for bankruptcy. It's not as easy as just work 1 job and be home all the time. I fucked up, I started a business at the wrong time, and now I'm paying dearly for it. But hey, shit happens

Bro, all of the "stuff" that you're clinging to is eating you up. Now not only are you paying for it w/ your wallet, now it's consuming your time, and you're trading in those close to you for it. For what man? A nice car, to pay debts?

Relationships with people are more important than "stuff".

 

[pesty4077]

I appreciate everybody's advice, but I dont think some of you understand. It's like this, work 2 jobs right now, or file for bankruptcy. It's not as easy as just work 1 job and be home all the time. I fucked up, I started a business at the wrong time, and now I'm paying dearly for it. But hey, shit happens

Welcome to the real world! You can file bankruptcy, work 1 job, stop this contest, stop spending money on gear, or just totally lose your family!!!! What is more important to you?? You better put your priorities in order!!

 

[marilyn]

1. Dont spend any more money on drugs..........or a trainer. Spend it on your family........drugs change your chemistry.....save money and move to another location.
2. Let your step daughter go to a better situation.......until you can provide something better with more safety and more of your time.
3. Be a decent amateur local bodybuilder..........or be a husband. You need to choose

You have a 6 week old baby......have you spent 1 whole day caring for her without your wifes help? Try it.......competing right now ???? Why??

This is a good one..may not be what you want to hear, but you asked for advise from members......There will be more shows, its not as important as a new baby.....6 weeks? awwwwwww......trust me you will regret not spending the time with the baby in the future and hate that you trained for a show when she needed you most....oh, and take lots of pictures.

 

[finny]

I appreciate everybody's advice, but I dont think some of you understand. It's like this, work 2 jobs right now, or file for bankruptcy. It's not as easy as just work 1 job and be home all the time. I fucked up, I started a business at the wrong time, and now I'm paying dearly for it. But hey, shit happens

No, I think you underestimate the members in here. It's simple, you have bills due to lifestyle. If you have two cars and car payments, get rid of one, you have a fancy one, get rid of it and get an economical, used one. You have a mortgage you cannot keep up with, sell the house and move into an apartment until things change for you. The point is, you created the mess yourself. Whether it's through business or not. If you got used to a lifestyle that was appropriate when you had a successful business going, guess what, it's time to change that and adjust accordingly...I hope you get the point.