need advice about letting go of mistrust issues

bpoppapumpp · Oct 13, 2006

ok guys, i've been tryin to chime in as much as possible to give some advice. but, now i need some of my own.

here's the story, in all but one of my relationships throughout my life, i've been screwed over by the girl one way or another. as some of you may know, i posted recently about breaking up with a girl about 3-4 weeks ago, cause she lied to me and was texting a ton of guys behind my back.

so, on to the problem. i've become interested in a girl that i've been good friends with for the the last 2 yrs, and there's a strong mutual interest(she's prayed about us, and said everything for her is telling her that i'm the guy she's supposed to marry). she's a very good christian girl and would do anything for me. and actually has changed anything that i've asked her to, in the past week or so. i know i'm hard to deal with, having very strong morals. i won't put up with anything that could be construed as immoral or disrespectable towards me. but, the problem is, it DOESN'T stop with me, i keep looking for more to change. i guess i'm looking for a clone of myself, and it's very unfair to my mate, cause that person doesn't/nor should, exist. i think it stems from being lied to by women soo much, that i feel if i'm in total control of what happens, then there isn't that chance of gettin screwed over. and now, i'm pushing her away, cause she feels like she's inadequate because no matter what she does, i still come up with something else in a day or two. i feel like a total JACKASS for being this way. i don't want to be this insecure. i need help with this. please guys, help me with this.

maxsupplements · Oct 13, 2006

bpoppapumpp said:
she's a very good christian girl and would do anything for me. and actually has changed anything that i've asked her to, in the past week or so. i know i'm hard to deal with, having very strong morals. i won't put up with anything that could be construed as immoral or disrespectable towards me. but, the problem is, it DOESN'T stop with me, i keep looking for more to change. i guess i'm looking for a clone of myself, and it's very unfair to my mate, cause that person doesn't/nor should, exist. i think it stems from being lied to by women soo much, that i feel if i'm in total control of what happens, then there isn't that chance of gettin screwed over. .

B, i have highlighted some things that kinda concerned me. i think its not so much a matter of trust, first off, because we dont know more to your personal history, but a matter of the fact that you truly might not know what YOU TRULY want.. you may think i am off line, but if she is a good christian girl, which to me, is my first priority, then you shouldnt be picking her apart. ever thought since you are PICKING her apart, that you just arent intersted in her? you might be wasting your and her time. after all, what is more important, messing up a perfectly good friendship to try something, or just leaving it at that, a friendship. that you can cherish.

you dont want someone that makes changes so quickly for another person, she should be making changes based upon her wanting to make them for HERSELF and no one else. no offense, but its just not a healthy practice to #1 ask someone to change, and #2 expect her to do it. well, you have succeeded at getting her to change, but i will say, how do you know that she wont revert right back to the things that she is changeing now to impress you? i mean, whats her REAL motivation for changing? if it is for you then i would really give it some time to see if her actions speak louder than her words.

as far as you are concerned. have you ever really taken some time to think about what it is you
really want in a GF/life partner
Need in a relationship
what you are willing to compromise on
what your true morals are
if you truly love yourself

i read something recently from a friend, when you are 100% whole and love yourself, then you are ready to find a mate for yourself. people who dont know who they truly are cut themselves short at the attempt at a long and healthy lasting relatioship.
two people who are incomplete and are 50% each together do NOT equal 100% but still two empty halves.

two people who are 100% satisfied with themselves equal a perfect match, one whole pie.

just some things to think about.. i may have gotten too deep, but OTH knows im a typin freak... sometimes my mind wanders... lol..
if you dont like her, i am searching for a wonderful christian woman. SEND HER THIS WAY!!!!

bpoppapumpp · Oct 13, 2006

maxsupplements said:
you dont want someone that makes changes so quickly for another person, she should be making changes based upon her wanting to make them for HERSELF and no one else. no offense, but its just not a healthy practice to #1 ask someone to change, and #2 expect her to do it. well, you have succeeded at getting her to change, but i will say, how do you know that she wont revert right back to the things that she is changeing now to impress you? i mean, whats her REAL motivation for changing? if it is for you then i would really give it some time to see if her actions speak louder than her words.

let me expand on what i "asked her to change" a lil. it's not so much asking her to change, but more like gettin her to realise behavior that most girls don't know, until they're taught.

for example. she's a very attractive lil, 5' tall, blond fitness competitor. and she has/had a few guy friends that she thought were friends. most girls don't realise that 99% of guys can't be only friends with an attractive girl. almost all the time, they'll want more. even if they don't pursue it, it's not cool. so, after there being drama after drama with guy friends gettin mad, so finally, after me it pointing out, she realised that they really didn't want to be just friends. so, that was the first big thing.

second is, she broke things off with her fiance about 3 months ago, and they still hang out as friends. i do believe that she only wants to be friends with him, or she'd be walking down the aisle next month. but, i know for a fact, that he still wants to be with her.(his pastor told her). and she always wants to please everyone, but doesn't realise the only one she was pleasing in that situation, was herself. i was uncomfortable with it, and i'm sure it was tearing him up daily.

and lastly, on her myspace page, she was obsessed with a college basketball player, and had all over her page, how he's the perfect man. i know that sounds trivial, but no guy wants to hear his girl talk about how perfect another man is. and she didn't realise how it looked, and changed it all right away.

so, any potential problem that bothers me, after i give a reasonable explanation, she is totally willing to understand and change it. that's all i meant by that. i don't think i'm asking for her to make any drastic changes that are over the line. and honestly, i didn't ASK her to change anything, just pointed out lil things that kinda bother me, and she's always happy to accommidate me. and thanks me for pointing stuff out, cause she doesn't think as down to earth and logically as i do. but, lately, i'm pointing out smaller and smaller things, and it's getting obsessive, cause of my paranoia of getting screwed.