Need help getting over my ex-wife

[BigDM]

I was separated in January 2008 from my wife of 4 years (together 8 years). We have an amazing 3 y/o little girl and she is the love of my life. I made countless mistakes during our separation and it ended in divorce in November 2008. When she asked me to sign the divorce papers, I didn't take it very well to say the least and said many hurtful things to her over the phone. As a result of my poor judgement and bad temper, she ended up getting a restraining order against me. It was devasting, as I wasn't able to see my daughter or talk to my lovely wife for quite some time.

After some time had passed, I was able to see my daughter again and started talking to my ex on the phone. I still had it in my head that we could somehow work it out and that we would be able to reconcile. I am a jealous man by nature and it became worse as time went on. I had it my head that there was someone else, but also believe it was just me sabotaging myself. I became very depressed and obsessive. I was caught checking up on her in our backyard, caught following her going out to dinner with her cousin and husband and repeatedly hounded her on the phone. I was just a complete mess! My family and life with my wife was so important to me and I just couldn't bare thought of not having that anymore.

Last weekend, after taking my daughter out in the afternoon after work, I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. After dropping her off at home, I went to take some DVD's back to the store and decided to drive by my ex-wifes home afterwards. When I drove by I saw her standing on the porch with some guy I had never seen before smoking a cigarette. I completely lost my cool. I slammed on my brakes, backed up and started yelling at the guy at the top of my lungs and told him I was going to kill him! She told me he was just a friend and so did he, but I didn't care at that point. She had her cell in her hand and told me she was calling the police. It didn't matter to me. I pulled away and did a u-turn and parked in front of her house. I got out of my car and stared yelling at him again, cursing and pointing at him.

I finally got back into my car and drove away. I was completely devastated. How could this be happening to me?!?!? Was he only a friend??? What did I just do?!?!? I still had the restraining order against me and now was probably going to jail. A very, very bad situation. I drove to a friends house in tears and tried to calm down. Later that evening I was arrested at my house late at night. I stayed in jail until the next evening and finally got released on bail ($500). Now I have had to retain an attorney ($1,000) and go to court in 2 weeks for my arraignment. I haven't been able to see my little angel since that day and that has been painfully hard to deal with.

It's really sad that it had to come to this and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't love my ex anymore, but I know I have to move on and that it's going to take a long, long, very long time before this all gets worked out. I have faith that it will and that I will become a better man because of it, but it's still tough to deal with. I have so many great things to be thankful for in my life, yet I let my obsessiveness almost destroy me. I truly do want her to be happy and honesty don't think the man I caught her with is the "other" guy, But I am still struggling with the fact that he may be. If it isn't him, then eventually there will be I suppose and it's hard to think about.

I'm not a bad looking guy and have never had a problem getting the attention of attractive women, but I truly thought she was my soulmate for life. Anyways, I just want to thank this board for this section and think it's a good way for people to share their experiences and eventual victories. Hopefully, I will look back at this time as a learning experience and come out of it better than I had ever imagined. Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. Hopefully, I will be able to share my success story with all of you in the future. Just a side note, I am and have been attending an anger management class for several months, but obviously have not been applying what I am learning. It's a great class to and I hope I will just "get it" one of these days.

Thanks for listening. Any feed-back or helpful thoughts, insights would be greatly appeciated.

Again, thank you & God bless

 

[The Striated One]

It's the most painful, disturbing, gutwrenching feeling in the world the first time you drive by your exes house and see another mans vehicle in the driveway. The worst possible thoughts go through your head (she's fucking him, he's around my kid, that fucking whore....etc. etc. etc)

Time is the only cure............the pain does not all of a sudden go away, it only slowly fades.

I was with my daughters mom for 4 yrs and dealt with exactly what your going through, I had to move 1hr away and start a new life to keep my sanity. Meeting new people and women definatley does help and can possibly cure your pain, but for now it's all about keeping your thoughts elsewhere and keeping busy if possible.

Good Luck man

 

[xmoo]

you have t convince yourself to move on -- once there's all this water under the bridge, things will just never be the same. even if she one day says "I messed up I want you back", YOU will never forget what she put you tru and you'll resent her and act out .

I've been there so I know its easier said than done, but you have to accept that the page has turned

good luck bro

 

[Designbuilt]

Big DM, you have to understand that you are infact divorced! Get it through your head. I can't really candy coat it, the reality is that you got out of hand and she has a restraining order against you. I know that it's hard to see it that way.

I have the same kind of personality and I've lost my temper a lot in the past. But step back and look at it from an outside perspective. Even if you want to get her back and think that you have a chance at that, losing your cool is the absolute worst thing that you can do.

You have to be civil with her, for the sake of your little girl. She's the only one that will truly suffer.

Understand that your ex loves her daughter and will not expose her to anything inappropriate and is caring for her very well.

You will have to learn to accept that she may or may not see other men, she has every right to and you have every right to start dating as well, so you should.

That may be the best thing that you can do, is to probably start dating someone else, just be careful not to fall in love too fast, that's happening to a friend of mine right now!

He just got divorced after off again and on again, and now he's talking marriage with a new girl after only 2 weeks!

 

[206soldier]

Love makes a man do crazy things! I went through something very similar with my ex girl a little over a year ago. Its hard as hell when you really do love them, but it gets easier in time brother! Hold your head high and face every difficult situation with confidence and class, knowing that the pain you feel is only going to make you a stronger, wiser person!

 

[HOTROCKS]

I've never been divorced , but I thnk getting yourself anothen kitten would be an answer.

 

[BigDM]

It's the most painful, disturbing, gutwrenching feeling in the world the first time you drive by your exes house and see another mans vehicle in the driveway. The worst possible thoughts go through your head (she's fucking him, he's around my kid, that fucking whore....etc. etc. etc)

Time is the only cure............the pain does not all of a sudden go away, it only slowly fades.

I was with my daughters mom for 4 yrs and dealt with exactly what your going through, I had to move 1hr away and start a new life to keep my sanity. Meeting new people and women definatley does help and can possibly cure your pain, but for now it's all about keeping your thoughts elsewhere and keeping busy if possible.

Good Luck man

Thanks bro. It's tougher than I ever imagined it would be, but I know I will get over it someday and that the sun always comes out after the rain. Thanks for your support and kind words.

 

[BigDM]

Love makes a man do crazy things! I went through something very similar with my ex girl a little over a year ago. Its hard as hell when you really do love them, but it gets easier in time brother! Hold your head high and face every difficult situation with confidence and class, knowing that the pain you feel is only going to make you a stronger, wiser person!

Thanks for the encouragement bro. I can't wait until the day when the pain has subsided and this is just a dim memory. Right now all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and try to keep moving forward.

 

[EVERLAST]

man................

Look I, of all the guys here, have a unique perspective on this subject.
I lived through three relationships that took me down to the very darkest places a man can go and still come home from...
I was convinced that love and relationships were just bullshit.

Love is something we tell our kids about so they'll sleep through the night...

I didnt date... I was out to conquer.
I loved my daughter but I didnt love anyone else, really....

I joined some online sites, but not the standard issue ones.
I wanted to meet people who felt like I did.
Walkin' wounded, head cases, etc. was all I found. So I thought that really and truly.......
Love is dead and we aint sure about God cause we aint heard from him in soooooo long?
You feel like that? I did.

I was mad as hell because God had let my little girl grow up with that. Seeing her mom date male strippers, random guys and do evil shit and not even take time to brush her hair? Not even send a suitcase when she came here to live with me.
Clothes on her back, no toothbrush, no change of underwear.
She had on a hat I got her in Disneyworld. Thats all she said she wanted from there. Broke what was left of my fuckin heart...
Downward spiral ensues..................


So while I was pissed off and tryin to fuck half the world to death...literally...
in waltzes Ms Perfect for me.
Thats right.
In the middle of all of the hell bent on whoring, drinking and smoking myself to death...I got a special delivery gift from God with a note saying ...
"Hey dickhead, look up...I aint dead yet...and I dont know why, but I like you...so try, just try, not to fuck this up"

Maybe love is not dead. just beat half to death and hung over.
Its a bitch out there. Have patience. Have faith. Yours is coming.
FOR YOUR DAUGHTER...thats how I got through the 18 years of divorce with her mother without crushing her windpipe...Do it with your daughter fixed in your mind.
DO NOT ever let your temper off the chain again. It is destructive to your daughters well being. She will pick a man that reminds her of you.
SO LIVE UP TO IT.
Be the man you would want for your daughter.

Under control, confident, ......smile and be the man.

 

[thebrick]

Maybe love is not dead. just beat half to death and hung over.
Its a bitch out there. Have patience. Have faith. Yours is coming.
FOR YOUR DAUGHTER...thats how I got through the 18 years of divorce with her mother without crushing her windpipe...Do it with your daughter fixed in your mind.
DO NOT ever let your temper off the chain again. It is destructive to your daughters well being. She will pick a man that reminds her of you.
SO LIVE UP TO IT.
Be the man you would want for your daughter.

Under control, confident, ......smile and be the man.

EVERLAST, you are a wise man, I can tell, and a good hearted one too.
and…
What you say is so true when you have kids in the picture. Divorce takes on a whole new dimension, doesn't it? You have a higher standard to meet and are obliged to do so. So BigDM, your marriage may be over, but your life with your daughter is just beginning. Make it a positive one, for her, its your duty as a father.

 

[EVERLAST]

thanks...................

Thanks Brick,

I feel for anybody going through this type of loss.
I have led a very painful life.
Not by own choosing, but maybe it is....
I tended to pick emotionally unavailable beautiful women.
Mostly cool and distant, with a side of sexual dysfunction.
God only knows why...I wasnt even aware of it.
Looking back they all share similar traits and mannerisms,
although they look nothing alike. As different as they could be,
and yet all of them like internal twins from different mothers
why is that?

Am I just a "fixer"....
looking for the survivors in the wreckage?
I leave them better off than when I found them...

Maybe thats why I got another chance?

 

[BigDM]

Look I, of all the guys here, have a unique perspective on this subject.
I lived through three relationships that took me down to the very darkest places a man can go and still come home from...
I was convinced that love and relationships were just bullshit.

Love is something we tell our kids about so they'll sleep through the night...

I didnt date... I was out to conquer.
I loved my daughter but I didnt love anyone else, really....

I joined some online sites, but not the standard issue ones.
I wanted to meet people who felt like I did.
Walkin' wounded, head cases, etc. was all I found. So I thought that really and truly.......
Love is dead and we aint sure about God cause we aint heard from him in soooooo long?
You feel like that? I did.

I was mad as hell because God had let my little girl grow up with that. Seeing her mom date male strippers, random guys and do evil shit and not even take time to brush her hair? Not even send a suitcase when she came here to live with me.
Clothes on her back, no toothbrush, no change of underwear.
She had on a hat I got her in Disneyworld. Thats all she said she wanted from there. Broke what was left of my fuckin heart...
Downward spiral ensues..................


So while I was pissed off and tryin to fuck half the world to death...literally...
in waltzes Ms Perfect for me.
Thats right.
In the middle of all of the hell bent on whoring, drinking and smoking myself to death...I got a special delivery gift from God with a note saying ...
"Hey dickhead, look up...I aint dead yet...and I dont know why, but I like you...so try, just try, not to fuck this up"

Maybe love is not dead. just beat half to death and hung over.
Its a bitch out there. Have patience. Have faith. Yours is coming.
FOR YOUR DAUGHTER...thats how I got through the 18 years of divorce with her mother without crushing her windpipe...Do it with your daughter fixed in your mind.
DO NOT ever let your temper off the chain again. It is destructive to your daughters well being. She will pick a man that reminds her of you.
SO LIVE UP TO IT.
Be the man you would want for your daughter.

Under control, confident, ......smile and be the man.

I want to thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It's definitely a gut check time for me and I know the Man upstairs is smiling down on me and wanting me to do the right thing moving forward. My little girl is an amazing person and I want to be the best father I can possibly be for her and acting out in the way I did doesn't help my goal of doing that. I'm taking each day at a time now and am beginning to realize that just because my ex doesn't love me anymore doesn't mean I'm less of a man. I will get through this storm and come out better because of it. Thanks again bro!

 

[BigDM]

EVERLAST, you are a wise man, I can tell, and a good hearted one too.
and…
What you say is so true when you have kids in the picture. Divorce takes on a whole new dimension, doesn't it? You have a higher standard to meet and are obliged to do so. So BigDM, your marriage may be over, but your life with your daughter is just beginning. Make it a positive one, for her, its your duty as a father.

Thanks for the words of wisdom Brick! That is my intention moving forward. To be the best father to my little girl that I can possibly be and give her my undying love and attention from this point moving forward. This storm has been a brutal one for me and my family and I really don't blame anyone other than myself for this mess. My ex isn't perfect either and has issues that she will also have to work through I imagine, but my signts are set on rising above all of this and to come out shining better than before. It's going to take time and a lot of effort on my part, but I know it will all work out and probably for the better.

It's gut check time and I'm ready to see what I am really made of. I've faced many challenges in my life and this is just another one that will eventually make me stronger and more prepared for the rest of life's challenges ahead of me.

Thanks again! Your words and support. They mean more to me than you know.

 

[EVERLAST]

call on me............

BigDM

I have walked where you walk now my friend.
I have been through that dark place youre going to.
If you need to talk, or rant, or just let it out...
please know you can call on me.
No one knows what pain like that can be...
except someone who has been burned in the same fire...
stay tough.
smile, and be the man.

 

[Gators]

Going through that right now Bro, and it's the very worst pain i've ever felt, i admit i've cried my ass off, many a night. It does get better, dating a little bit and having a pretty woman giving you attention really helps the wounds and pumps up the ego. Truth is your daughter needs you, and a angry father does not help the situation. Not trying to pile on ya Bro, i know what your feeling, but you have to deal with it, we all have different ways. Venting to a friend, crying, etc.. are a way to get that shit off your chest. Ingesting that pain will destroy you, you have to deal with it in the sunshine. You might want to go see your Doc and look at some meds to help, depression can be easily treated and it will change your life, it did mine! The other thing is you HAVE to be somewhat amicable to your girls mother, ya'll will work together on raising that angel, a good working relationship is a MUST!

Good luck Man, PM me if i can help.

 

[BigDM]

Thank you Everlast & Gators

Just wanted to thank both you bros for your support! It's been a horrible situation since this all started, but I know that I will get through it and be a stronger, better man in the end because of it.

Here's an update on what's happened as of late:

I found a good attorney to represent me at my criminal hearing for the violation of the protection order. I have an arraignment next Monday 3/16 at 9am. Bascially, I will just be pleading not guilty and they will set another court date. The not guilty plea gives my attorney the opportunity to talk with the prosecutor and hopefully come up with some sort of mutal agreement as to what my sentencing will be. We may also request a couple of continuances over the course of this, which will basically allow my ex to cool down and hopefully get over being so pissed off at me. It also allows me more time to continue my counseling and not violate the current restraining order.

So, I was just starting to feel a little better about my future, then on Monday (3/9) a sheriff came to my work and served me with another temporary restraining order! This time it's regarding my 3 y/o daughter Hailey. My ex and her attorney are requesting a TRO preventing me from seeing her now. Unbelievable!!! Up until this last incident on 2/22, I had been seeing my daughter unsupervised 3 times a week! That has been since Jan 2008! I have NEVER had a problem with visitation during that time either. I always pick her up and bring her home on-time and we have an amazing time together. We go out to McDonalds playland, Chuck E Cheese, Jump & Bounce a swim at the YMCA. She always has my undivided attention and love and we just have a wonderful time together!

But now my ex, her parents and jackhole attorney (which both of her parents happen to work for....lucky me!) are trying to use my daughter as a weapon against me. Now I have another hearing on the same day as my arraignment to protest this latest TRO. Wow! I understand I really messed up by driving by her house and yelling at her guy friend outside her home, but this is insane. Anyways, I am still hopeful that this will all work itself out over time.

I haven't violated the current order and have absolutely NO intention or desire to contact my ex in any way, shape or form! She also made a statement on this latest order accusing me of being on AAS, but thankfully I'm not right now. I would love to take a test to prove her wrong! She's lied about other crap too like saying I pushed her that day, tried jumping over the fence to get to her guy friend and a bunch of other crap that are just outright lies! But I know the truth and so does God, so I can only hope that somehow the courts will see through her bullshit. I think her attorney is behind some of this and her parents, too. But that doesn't really matter at this point. I can only do what is right from here on out and do the right things moving forward.

Anyways bros, keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I will PM some of you or just keep you posted on this thread. I can't wait for the day when I will be posting my success story on here and hope it will give another bro on here going through something similiar some hope.

Thanks again brothers!

ps: I'm still lifting hard and making some decent gains, but my diet sucks. I suppose that is the least of my concerns right now....lol! Oh, one more thing....I've met a couple hotties online and will be going out with them [in the near future. At least it will get my mind off my ex and current situation. Not sure if it's the best idea right now, but I'm going to give it a shot.

 

[EVERLAST]

bait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do not violate that TRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is a set up.
You are expected to lose it, foam at the mouth, rant and perhaps beat on a car. Then they'll use that really screw you.
Wanna lose the right to see your daughter???
EVER??????


Keep cool.
Do not take the bait.
Let your lawyer speak and advise you. Anything else makes you look worse than if you just let him handle it.
You will not lose your daughters love unless you lose control of yourself.
Speak well of her mother in front of her. dont be negative about any aspect of the divorce. Kids are smarter than you think.
Despite lies her mother told her she saw me at her piano lessons and girlscouts and campouts and plays at school.
I made the effort and now she comes to see me on her spring break not her mom. She knows the whole story now...the real truth.
I never spoke badly about her until atfer she was out of Tay's life and then only when I was told about all the other shit going on.
Some people are just wired wrong.
There was a story about a frog and a spider by the river. Both wanted tocross but the spider wanted to ride on the frogs back. Spider offered a fly wrapped up in silk for the ride and promised everything would be cool.
Half way across the spider got greedy and bit the frog. The frog asked why did you bite me?...now we will both die.
As he realized they would now both drown the spider cried "I cant help it .....I am just a spider!"


That way...later, when she asks you at 18 years old
"Daddy why is my momma such a bitch and youre so good to me?"
you can just smile ...
and say "she can't help it ...she's just a spider"
Smile and be the man.
(for her)

 

[thebrick]

do not violate that TRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is a set up.
You are expected to lose it, foam at the mouth, rant and perhaps beat on a car. Then they'll use that really screw you.
Wanna lose the right to see your daughter???
EVER??????


Keep cool.
Do not take the bait.
Let your lawyer speak and advise you. Anything else makes you look worse than if you just let him handle it.
You will not lose your daughters love unless you lose control of yourself.
Speak well of her mother in front of her. dont be negative about any aspect of the divorce. Kids are smarter than you think.
Despite lies her mother told her she saw me at her piano lessons and girlscouts and campouts and plays at school.
I made the effort and now she comes to see me on her spring break not her mom. She knows the whole story now...the real truth.
I never spoke badly about her until atfer she was out of Tay's life and then only when I was told about all the other shit going on.
Some people are just wired wrong.
There was a story about a frog and a spider by the river. Both wanted tocross but the spider wanted to ride on the frogs back. Spider offered a fly wrapped up in silk for the ride and promised everything would be cool.
Half way across the spider got greedy and bit the frog. The frog asked why did you bite me?...now we will both die.
As he realized they would now both drown the spider cried "I cant help it .....I am just a spider!"


That way...later, when she asks you at 18 years old
"Daddy why is my momma such a bitch and youre so good to me?"
you can just smile ...
and say "she can't help it ...she's just a spider"
Smile and be the man.
(for her)

EXCELLENT ADVICE!!!! BigDM, they WANT you to lose it. Don't. Don't respond in any way. Keep your cool and your eye on the goal and you will be rewarded with a good result. Think in terms of where you want this to be months from now.

 

[JETHRO TULL]

Man, don't give her that power over you.

You are in a tough situation and it's an emotional for you. Hell, I got pissed off just reading your story. If I were you, I wouldn't let someone have that much control over my thoughts and feelings.

The thing that is frightening to me is that people don't realize the consequences of their actions. You lost your temper, yes and now you are facing the consequences of the flipping out when you saw her with that other guy.

What spooks me though...is that she keeps pushing. Sometimes people don't realize that they can not take everything from a man. If you are good with your little girl, I wish she'd leave that alone. Obviously, she's trying to hurt you.

Don't let her drive you over the edge. Hang in there and don't let anyone control you. Screw that.

Save that important relationship with your little girl. You don't want some other jerk taking your place at Chucky Cheese.

This might sound preachy, but I spend some time reading the Bible and praying, just talking to God. Give that stuff to Him. Make yourself the best man you can be. Let her be an ass if she wants to. Just make sure you aren't one! Right? Right!

 

[notsobig32]

You are in a tough situation and it's an emotional for you. Hell, I got pissed off just reading your story. If I were you, I wouldn't let someone have that much control over my thoughts and feelings.

The thing that is frightening to me is that people don't realize the consequences of their actions. You lost your temper, yes and now you are facing the consequences of the flipping out when you saw her with that other guy.

What spooks me though...is that she keeps pushing. Sometimes people don't realize that they can not take everything from a man. If you are good with your little girl, I wish she'd leave that alone. Obviously, she's trying to hurt you.

Don't let her drive you over the edge. Hang in there and don't let anyone control you. Screw that.

Save that important relationship with your little girl. You don't want some other jerk taking your place at Chucky Cheese.

This might sound preachy, but I spend some time reading the Bible and praying, just talking to God. Give that stuff to Him. Make yourself the best man you can be. Let her be an ass if she wants to. Just make sure you aren't one! Right? Right!

BigDM,

jt has hit the nail right on the head, you need to be the best man that you can for your daughter and yourself. Don't worry about the things you have no control over(your ex, the court system, etc) but rather worry about the things you do have control over like your actions, behaviors, and being the best dad possible when you get to spend time with your daughter.

I am also with JT on the praying and talking to god thing. I was never very religious and then i got into drugs and hit my absolute rock bottom. I realized i couldn't pick up the pieces and one day i just asked god to either take my life or help me get better. This was the last day i used a drug or put my needs before those of the people i love,. It is easier to give up control of factors in your life that you cannot control if you can have faith that someone out there IS IN CONTROL of them. Hang in there man and do the right thing for you and your daughter, and don't let your ex rent space in your head.

good luck with everything.