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Need some advice on my stepson

Nobody, I repeat nobody would put themselves through the situations this child must find himself in daily. You wouldnt be mad at someone w/ cancer or another disease they didnt choose to be inflicted w/ would you? So, if it mental/emotional/chem. imbalance is the father or some other institution going to help...? Of course not. Imagine how he feels everybody giving up on him, passing him around, accepting him because they have to... Is going to gym ever easy or more difficult every time you load the bar. Have you given up on it? We make our bodies sore for days, vomit, tear muscle/ligature... Have you given up on that. Dont give up on a child.

Well, ICU, I'm not giving up on him at the moment. I think a parent's responsibility to their child is to not give up on them. However, I'm not this kid's parent. My problem is the fact that I simply cannot stand the kid. I'm sure his mom and dad inherently love him....I don't. I'm finding it hard to respect someone who shows no respect to anyone else in the house. Ultimately, he's not my problem....I will give him a chance for a few years. If he can't clean up his act then he will be gone. I'm not going to have someone act like that in my house. I agree with a lot of the other guys here. Military school would be a great option for him at that point.
 
RBB, what does your fiance think about military school? And how does she feel that her son is causing you this much grief?
 
Try here if it is in your budget.

This is the Marine Military Academy in Harlingen TX.

this place worked well for a friend of mine who strayed off the path when he was younger. He lacked a father figure his whole life, this place helped him form meaningful bonds with other males in a positive light. so important for life skills.

I also think they will come to your door and "give the student a ride" for a fee.
 
You have a soon to be train wreck! This is the mothers baby boy and this will always be the case. If she does agree to send him off for whatever reason down the road you will be blamed for this by her. You either find a way to deal with the package deal that you have entered into or walk away from it before it evolves into something that can potentially destroy you.

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't with this situation.
 
RBB, what does your fiance think about military school? And how does she feel that her son is causing you this much grief?

Boom, she actually does think it is a good idea, but not at this point. He is only 9, and she thinks he is too young. I can see her point here....that does seem a little young.

I actually feel the worst for her with this situation. This kid's problems (at the moment) will always come back to bite her, above all, in the ass. He causes her more grief than anyone. She really does try with him....she is patient, but strict as well. She understands how I and others who have to deal with him feel. She feels the same way much of the time. So not only does she have to deal with him, but she has to deal with everyone else constantly coming at her with all their problems with him. It's a very difficult and frustrating situation for her.
 
I'd get this kid to a shrink fast and medicate him. he needs something. ritalin, adderall, xanax, lexapro whatever. he is way too out of control. and military or boarding school is also an option. then again, do you really want to waste the money if he could get kicked out also. he'll probably grow out of it eventually, or after some kid at school kicks his ass for being this way. one of the two.
 
man bro that is a tuffy , i can feel your disposition. i first wanted to say regardless of autism, add, or adhd, it seems this is the way this kid just came out brat like, cuz my bro is autism and wasnt like that, and we know plenty of people or add or adhd and doesnt make you a brat, so he is choosing to be that way. military school cost big bucks, but isnt a bad idea, cuz they wouldnt put up his shit. more meds to put down his throat is a possiblity along with the hurdle of working it out to a point with a doc, cuz that concerta isnt shit for that. hes got more of a behavoir prob, if he was 5 it would be a litttle diff, but 9 is very well old enough to have good understandings. i think your biggest good thing here is that your girl agrees with you, as most would be more on there side. so i think you have hope here to save, it might take time, althoe it could go on all the way to hes 18 and that could get worse, if ya got lucky, he would commit a crime, and juvenile will jail him free of charge, and if he acts up in there he will stay, so prob solved if that happened. i would be afraid to see ya go down along a road for a while that would continue in this. i know i couldnt deal with it, and eventually i would say the hell with it and move on, its too bad adoption isnt an option any more as i dont know that forsure, but who would adopt him. but hope it works out for ya let us know what ya do, as your probly in the middle of making this decison soon it sounds huh? maybe yuo could be together, but not live together, i duno if thats possible but just another thougtht
 
I'd get this kid to a shrink fast and medicate him. he needs something. ritalin, adderall, xanax, lexapro whatever. he is way too out of control. and military or boarding school is also an option. then again, do you really want to waste the money if he could get kicked out also. he'll probably grow out of it eventually, or after some kid at school kicks his ass for being this way. one of the two.
He is on Concerta. His doc doubled the dose last week after his appointment...he'd been on the same dose for well over a year. I agree, military school is a great option in a couple of years. As far as the cost, that'll be between his mom and dad. I'm certainly not paying for that, so it's not going to be my money wasted if it doesn't pan out.
man bro that is a tuffy , i can feel your disposition. i first wanted to say regardless of autism, add, or adhd, it seems this is the way this kid just came out brat like, cuz my bro is autism and wasnt like that, and we know plenty of people or add or adhd and doesnt make you a brat, so he is choosing to be that way. military school cost big bucks, but isnt a bad idea, cuz they wouldnt put up his shit. more meds to put down his throat is a possiblity along with the hurdle of working it out to a point with a doc, cuz that concerta isnt shit for that. hes got more of a behavoir prob, if he was 5 it would be a litttle diff, but 9 is very well old enough to have good understandings. i think your biggest good thing here is that your girl agrees with you, as most would be more on there side. so i think you have hope here to save, it might take time, althoe it could go on all the way to hes 18 and that could get worse, if ya got lucky, he would commit a crime, and juvenile will jail him free of charge, and if he acts up in there he will stay, so prob solved if that happened. i would be afraid to see ya go down along a road for a while that would continue in this. i know i couldnt deal with it, and eventually i would say the hell with it and move on, its too bad adoption isnt an option any more as i dont know that forsure, but who would adopt him. but hope it works out for ya let us know what ya do, as your probly in the middle of making this decison soon it sounds huh? maybe yuo could be together, but not live together, i duno if thats possible but just another thougtht
I'll keep you guys informed. They doubled the dose of his meds last week and are considering putting him on something else, as well, if this doesn't pan out. He starts his therapy with a shrink this week. Hahaha, I hear ya speed....I'd put him up for adoption, but I'm sure he'd be returned within the hour. If he gets himself in trouble with LE when he gets a little older then he gets the boot....won't be welcome in my house. He'll have to go back to his dad's at that point. I can only put up with so much. Those are my limits. And yes, I agree, 9 years old should be old enough to understand how things work, yet he seems to have no idea. Part of his problem is a complete inability to accept responsibility for anything. Everything is always somebody else's fault....his explanations for why he does things are completely ridiculous. It's the most absurd shit I've ever heard....very frustrating.
 
I have to tell you...
I was once in this kids shoes.. I was a bright kid, who didn't adapt well to the type of structure found in school. Looking back, I think a large part of my problem (and maybe his) was an inability to vent or express the frustration that I felt. This frustration appeared on the surface, to be a rebellion against structured environments. I realize now, that many young men have a very difficult time accepting a woman as the "Alpha role" (IE as the teacher in a classroom).

What I needed, and what he may need is instruction from a number of strong male rolemodels. Not typically the type found in academia...

You sound like the kind of person he needs, but you can't be there during the 8-10hrs a day he's at school... Being administrated by a bunch of 24 year old female 1st grade teachers, who simply don't understand him.

Try not to beat him too much... He will grow to resent it, I can speak from experience.

If a male teacher (or preferably a military academy) isn't an option... How about an afterschool boxing program? A really old school kind of place, where he can vent his aggression. Some place he can exhaust his growing physique, learn some discipline, and learn to be a member of a "pack" so to speak.

Also-- if he really loves videogames, but can't read... Get him a game that is largely text based (instead of a graphic based shooter). I literally taught myself to read in 1987 by playing a videogame called Bard's Tale (this was back when computers had 16-color screens, and 3d graphics weren't an option). This was after several tutors, and a number of private school teachers said I couldn't/wouldn't be taught to read.

If you can... without destroying your own life... Don't give up on him, you may be the only one who doesn't.

EDIT-- One last thing... Your Health Insurance may pay for a special school (military or otherwise) that treats his kind of behavioral issues.
 
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Hey bro.

Im gonna come back to this one later. I have so many mixed feelings about this subject.

See Im the father in your situation only my kids really aren't like that. They are good kids (all 3 of them) But something Ive learned from even being with other women that have kids. No one is more forgiving and has unconditional love for a child than the real parent.

I haven't had to spank my children in years. They know when I speak I mean f-ng business.

Now this new husband of my wife a while back got frustrated that the kids were a getting a bit loud and disturbing his sleep. He got angry and grabbed my 10 year old and my 8 year old by the back of the neck and held them to the ground. (needless to say I almost killed this &$#@ when I discussed it with him and he admitted it. He wont do it again!)

Anyway this guys should have really thought about what he was getting into when he married her. He now has a house full of 4 kids (one being theirs)
If you really love this woman you need to love those kids too. If you cant find it, you have no business in the relationship. The kids come with her.

How much time do you spend doing things with him and learning his likes instead of just trying to make him mind. Im not saying you dont btw. Just a question. You have to bend over backwards because guess what, your not his dad.

It isnt his fault his mom and dad arent together. Did you ever wonder what he thinks about this? Why he has this man in his life,( thats not his dad) telling him what to do?
I have a friend that worked with me back when my ex and I were separating that told me when his mom and dad separated, he never got over blaming his self. I had to ask since I never grew up in a broken family.
To this day that guy has been a womanizer and in two broken marriages.
So put yourself in the little mans shoes. If you cant do that or dont want to, you need to re think the relationship.

Thats all I can say for now.

good luck
 
Well stated, bigblue. I am in a similiar situation. I remarried 9 years ago. My children were older, 15 and 14. My new wife had a 11 and 5 year old. The children got along very well. My wife's 11 year old was the problem from day one. He would get away with murder with his mother. When I entered the picture, I put the fear of God in him. I am very disciplined. Former Army Airborne Pathfinder, Ranger qualified. I would not have to hit the boy. I would grab him and apply pressure until he understood what I meant. At 19 the shit hit the fan when I put him through a wall. He brought drugs into the house and had been warned before of the consequences. He called the police on me and I advised the officer to have him empty his pockets. Lo and behold, out falls the drugs. He was taken away. The boy is now 22 and has gotten his ged and just passed his microsoft certification. He now has 2 months to find a job so he can support himself. He pays no rent and the police told me I can kick him out anytime. He knows I will and has been bustin his but to find a job. I have tried to talk him into going in the service. Too much of a wimp, to be honest. The other 3 children are great. The oldest is 26 and a doctor, the 25 year old works in a large firm in the fraud department and the baby is now 16 and has a 3.6 grade average in high school. The most important thing I have found out is that your wife MUST be on board with you or it will not work out. Talk is cheap. Actions are a must. Good luck, bro.
 
Damn RBB, I had no idea you were engaged and taking on all this responsibility, its no wonder you're not around the forums as much as you used to be. Regardless of the circumstances, congrats on the engagement man, she must be one hell of a woman.

After reading through this thread I just wanna say I admire the hell out of you for stepping up to the plate like you have. You are a true man for doing what you have, one that is super rare these days. I sure don't know what you're going through but I do know what its like to play the father figure in a childs life that is not your own. I did it for almost 4 years, it was hard, and it was only one little girl! I can't even begin to imagine trying to do it with 4 older kids, and one who is like you describe!

Relating to the 9 year old, I have a sister with a learning disability. She was looked over by tons of people to try and figure things out for her. My recommendation is to send him in to multiple facilities to do some testing to maybe diagnose and figure out a solution to the problem. Unfortunately for my sister, there was no solution except a very patient and understanding attitude from my parents (my mom especially). I'm definitely not trying to tell you to be patient with a kid who destroys your property or shits in his own dirty clothes, but their is a motive behind it all. It just takes someone to figure out the causation and find a solution for why he does those things. Their is a reason, and most likely its because hes frustrated. My sisters disability is communication. Shes 17 yet she has the vocabulary of a 10 year old. I'm positive she knows exactly what she wants to say to someone, but its a very hard time getting it out clearly for her. It may be somewhat similar for your fiance's son, and because of his immaturity and frustration he gets into trouble and does those ridiculous things. Whatever happens RBB, I'm praying for you on my end bro. Obviously if you're willing to do everything you have already for this soon to be wife of yours, shes well worth it.
 
:(
I see a lot of good advice given in here on a daily basis, and I'm hoping you guys can send some words of wisdom my way as I'm having a very tough time with a situation I'm in.

Here's the scenario. I'm engaged to a great girl, we're getting married in April. She has 4 kids from a previous marriage of 12 years. Three of them are living with us now. They moved here last January at a considerable expense to myself. Bought a nice big house, furnished it, the whole deal. I was living the typical bachelor lifestyle and was very comfortable, financially and otherwise. I have a very good, nice paying job. My fiance doesn't. She's finishing up college at the moment(never had a chance raising all the kids when she was younger). She isn't able to help out much financially, so I foot the bill for pretty much everything except groceries. So, as you can see, I'm making a lot of compromises for her right now so she can have her kids with her.

Three of her four kids are really good kids. I get along great with her oldest son and her two daughters. The problem is with her younger, 9 year old son. I can't stand the kid!! He is ADD (what kid isn't these days?). I'm not even going to get on the subject of the validity of this "condition", as it seems to be a convient catch all excuse for a lot of shitty/bratty behavior, imo. 90% of the time, the kid is a nightmare to be around. He is constantly whining, arguing (with us or with the other kids), hitting his sister, asking for material possessions (the sense of entitlement is ridiculous). You guys know the type I'm sure....you ask him to do something and the minute you turn around he's doing exactly the opposite of what you just asked him.

Then there's the destruction of property. Constantly making a mess and not even bothering to try to clean up anything or let anyone know there is a mess that needs to be cleaned up. Food all over the kitchen floor (on purpose)....these are much to large and consistent to be accidents. Drawing on the walls, finding a knife and cutting on a table. A couple months ago he egged our own garage. Last week he took a shit in a pair of shorts and stuck them in the laundry (on purpose, again)....they got washed with all the clothes. Half the time he uses the bathroom he dumps half a roll of toilet paper in the toilet, clogging up the toilets around the house. These are just a few examples. I could go on forever, but you guys would get sick of reading and I'd definitely be sick of typing. This kind of shit from him is constant, though.

Nothing seems to discourage this behavior for any appreciable amount of time with this kid. We are constantly talking to him about it, trying to teach him to no avail. He has had virtually all privileges taken from him (ps3, tv, etc.). I can kick his ass....I've given him some major ass beatings and this only works temporarily. He knows he can't push it very far when I'm around and that he is on thin ice with me, but I am not always at home. He seems to forget....out of sight, out of mind I suppose. This greatly discourages him from pulling his stupid stunts, however, he is still unbearable to be around behavior wise (whining, etc.).

I am at the point now where I don't want anything to do with this kid. I will still discipline him when I need to, which is much too frequent, but other than that, I'm done. I have tried to be a dad to him, show him things, how to carry himself with respect....how to treat others, but I am about at the end of my rope here. He disgusts me, and I have virtually no respect for him as a human being. Yeah, I know that may sound harsh, he's only 9 years old, but that is how I feel. I feel like I have really gone out of my way for his Mom and the rest of them and he is, by his actions, spitting in my face as well as every other member of the household (he is a constant disruption to everbody). I am making considerable compromises with my lifestyle, and for what? To be disrespected by some brat? This does not sit well with me at all. I told my fiance exactly this a couple weeks ago as she had been sensing these feelings from me.

This, of course, greatly upset her, but by her own admission, she said "I really can't even blame you". He is horrible, and she knows it. She is not one of those mom's who refuses to see her kids for what they really are. Believe me, she tries her best with this kid, as have I, but nothing seems to stick. As you can imagine, this whole situation has been placing considerable strain on our relationship. She told me last night, "I feel like I've lost something for you over this thing with my son. I still love you very much, but it hurts me so bad that you can't stand him."

I don't know where to go from here, guys. I believe my feelings for him are justified and I am standing my ground. I feel the way I feel, and there are considerable reasons for it....it's not changing and I'm not faking it. The way I see it, I have a few options:

1) Send him back to his Dad's. By all accounts, his dad is a pretty good guy, but I don't even know if this is an option. The reason he is here in the first place is because his Dad wanted him gone. He had been living with him and his new wife for the last 3 years and his new wife had enough of him. From what I understand, it was a either he goes or I go type of situation. Sounds familiar, right?

2) Go about my business and have nothing to do with this kid. Despite his my fiance understanding my feelings on this, it greatly hurts her. He is her boy after all. I don't feel like this is a viable option. In the end, things between her and I will not work out and this will be catalyst. I feel that it has already driven a huge wedge between us.

3) Count my losses and end things with my fiance. It would be a real shame for this to happen. I really do love her, and kids are not going to be around forever. However, I have no tolerance left for his bullshit behavior. Make all the excuses you want for him, but it's just not cutting it.

This post turned out a little longer than I wanted it to be, but I needed to fully explain everything. This is a really tough situation for me and I hope some of you guys, especially dads or stepdads, can give me some good advice/insight. It will be much appreciated.

I happen to have a co- worker who is also my next door neighbor who is in the same situation as you . Just today I mention that sometime between 1:30and 230: in the afternoon I happen to hear some screaming as I'm sitting outside in my backyard sunbathing .

He tells me and another co- worker sitting across from him as were taking our last break for the evening it was his 12 year old step- daughter that he described as having either ADD or a bi- polar disorder . The kid has temper tantrums , is described as being out of control , not able to trust her because she put hair mouse in her mothers drink , and her mother happens to be pregnant .

when I suggested a child Psychologist , my co- worker said she has one and it was suggested the child be placed in a group home because nothing much else can be done . Neither adults can trust this kid around the younger daughter. I was informed the girls natural father committed suicide , but the girl was told he died of a heart attack. It sounds like if you send your girls kid back to his dad he will experience the same problems , but you can try this other then walk out . Boot camp was also mentioned in the conversation , but I doubt this is something you can send a kid to that isn't in their teens yet .
 
Boom, she actually does think it is a good idea, but not at this point. He is only 9, and she thinks he is too young. I can see her point here....that does seem a little young.

He needs to be in Military school NOW! I put that at the top because it is the most important thing here.

After reading this thread, I thought I'd add something that perhaps hasn't been considered. It's from my experience on the other side of this equation as the brother of a boy(s) like this, and someone somewhat like him myself at one point, but without the lack of conscience he seems to have or fear of consequences (that part might make him a truly dangerous person in the future). And from my experience with MANY of the grown up versions of these kids, once adults.

He needs to go to military school or another similar place NOW!! Too bad if mom feels bad, she should have been correcting this earlier. If he had a vision problem, dyslexia or other, she would have been. But behavior reflects personally on parents, so they wait and try to fix it themselves. But it sounds like hes got a problem with the "wiring".

Yes, he's 9. And every day he loses being the same as he is now, is another day his neural networks are solidifying him into this person you can't stand and who's not fit for society.

Do some studying about character formation and kids and you'll see that these patterns are set from a VERY early age. You are on the cusp of it being too late to "change" him. He needs that structure NOW.

Yes, people can change, but they have to want it. This requires SELF-AWARENESS that a problem exists, and your son just doesn't have it. (You mentioned that he doesn't get the "why" of rules) He needs to go somewhere to get it. And no more PS3 EVER. Studies on video games show increased eye hand and reaction time, but no development of social skills. Look for studies by Dr. Prof. Ryuta Kawashima, Tohoku University.

Take what you hear from psychologists with a grain of salt; their belief in "changing" people comes to a large degree, from a very optimistic view of humanity. It must, or their work would be a waste. By the time he's a teen and his hormones get running among some disconnected wiring, he's gonna be a menace (fully formed gratification/reward centers in the brain, but unformed connection between immediate action and consequences= zero impulse control). For the reality version, talk to anyone working in juvenile detention about "changing" kids.

Subtle solutions wont cut it now. Punishments, talking to him. He just doesn't get it. He'll only learn that he can withstand punishment, not connecting it to what he's done. A militaty school lets him see his actions in a group setting that depends on his actions, and suffers the consequences together. It's a microcosm of society, where his authority figures AND mates will bring social sanction against him, providing a complete picture. If he can't make the connection there, he never will.

He doesnt like sports? Sports saved me, but everyone's different. Get him into art. Make HIM create, not just react. This saved my brother and in adulthood too. He found his place in landscape architecture and he's truly on another level artistically. All that ever seemed to be wrong with him, that level of dysfunction comes out as the opposite now, in his work. But it came after a long sexual addiction that almost cost him everything and lost him 2 businesses.

This brother and my cousin that basically grew up together while my Dad was at work. They were a holy terror together and apart. My cousin never got the help he needed and did a dime and half in San Quentin. My mom saved my brother, and liberal beatings from my Dad. It was like a daily routine, Dad comes home, beats brother, have dinner :( But you could see he just didn't get it. And he was never as bad as your son.

In my former work, after many years of trying to find out the difference "good" people from " bad". Bottom line, only one thing separating those in prison with those outside of it. Impulse control. That's all. They're all or mostly sorry, or wish they could take it back. They aren't evil. Just lack impulse control.

"Good" people think the same thoughts, as you know. Take what's not yours, employ violence, do what you want. We all think it, at least for a flash. But those "bad" people do it. That's the difference.

Point is, it needs to be dealt with now if any hope of changing him exists.

Good luck, Brother. You are a saint for trying.
 
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Damn RBB, I had no idea you were engaged and taking on all this responsibility, its no wonder you're not around the forums as much as you used to be. Regardless of the circumstances, congrats on the engagement man, she must be one hell of a woman.

After reading through this thread I just wanna say I admire the hell out of you for stepping up to the plate like you have. You are a true man for doing what you have, one that is super rare these days. I sure don't know what you're going through but I do know what its like to play the father figure in a childs life that is not your own. I did it for almost 4 years, it was hard, and it was only one little girl! I can't even begin to imagine trying to do it with 4 older kids, and one who is like you describe!

Relating to the 9 year old, I have a sister with a learning disability. She was looked over by tons of people to try and figure things out for her. My recommendation is to send him in to multiple facilities to do some testing to maybe diagnose and figure out a solution to the problem. Unfortunately for my sister, there was no solution except a very patient and understanding attitude from my parents (my mom especially). I'm definitely not trying to tell you to be patient with a kid who destroys your property or shits in his own dirty clothes, but their is a motive behind it all. It just takes someone to figure out the causation and find a solution for why he does those things. Their is a reason, and most likely its because hes frustrated. My sisters disability is communication. Shes 17 yet she has the vocabulary of a 10 year old. I'm positive she knows exactly what she wants to say to someone, but its a very hard time getting it out clearly for her. It may be somewhat similar for your fiance's son, and because of his immaturity and frustration he gets into trouble and does those ridiculous things. Whatever happens RBB, I'm praying for you on my end bro. Obviously if you're willing to do everything you have already for this soon to be wife of yours, shes well worth it.

Jay, what's up man? I'm not much busier than normal, just out of stuff to post....how many times can we answer questions about dbol only cycles over there?

You know, I don't find stepping in as a father figure for these kids to be all that challenging. I enjoy the other 3, but the boy (we'll call him K), is a real piece of work. I'm very intolerant of bullshit, and find myself wanting to slam his head through the drywall most of the time....very frustrating. I know if I would have even acted half as bad as him when I was that age....damn, my Dad would have stomped me into a greasy spot on the floor.

We are getting him help for his learning disabilites, and just like your sister he does have problems communicating both verbally and with writing. I do not think that is the cause of his behavior problems, however. It is just a total lack of self control and discipline. Yes, my fiance is a great woman....we are working on it, he has started therapy, changed his medications. No improvements yet, but we will see what happens. Thanks for you comments, bro, I hope everything is good on your end.
 
He needs to be in Military school NOW! I put that at the top because it is the most important thing here.

After reading this thread, I thought I'd add something that perhaps hasn't been considered. It's from my experience on the other side of this equation as the brother of a boy(s) like this, and someone somewhat like him myself at one point, but without the lack of conscience he seems to have or fear of consequences (that part might make him a truly dangerous person in the future). And from my experience with MANY of the grown up versions of these kids, once adults.

He needs to go to military school or another similar place NOW!! Too bad if mom feels bad, she should have been correcting this earlier. If he had a vision problem, dyslexia or other, she would have been. But behavior reflects personally on parents, so they wait and try to fix it themselves. But it sounds like hes got a problem with the "wiring".

Yes, he's 9. And every day he loses being the same as he is now, is another day his neural networks are solidifying him into this person you can't stand and who's not fit for society.

Do some studying about character formation and kids and you'll see that these patterns are set from a VERY early age. You are on the cusp of it being too late to "change" him. He needs that structure NOW.

Yes, people can change, but they have to want it. This requires SELF-AWARENESS that a problem exists, and your son just doesn't have it. (You mentioned that he doesn't get the "why" of rules) He needs to go somewhere to get it. And no more PS3 EVER. Studies on video games show increased eye hand and reaction time, but no development of social skills. Look for studies by Dr. Prof. Ryuta Kawashima, Tohoku University.

Take what you hear from psychologists with a grain of salt; their belief in "changing" people comes to a large degree, from a very optimistic view of humanity. It must, or their work would be a waste. By the time he's a teen and his hormones get running among some disconnected wiring, he's gonna be a menace (fully formed gratification/reward centers in the brain, but unformed connection between immediate action and consequences= zero impulse control). For the reality version, talk to anyone working in juvenile detention about "changing" kids.

Subtle solutions wont cut it now. Punishments, talking to him. He just doesn't get it. He'll only learn that he can withstand punishment, not connecting it to what he's done. A militaty school lets him see his actions in a group setting that depends on his actions, and suffers the consequences together. It's a microcosm of society, where his authority figures AND mates will bring social sanction against him, providing a complete picture. If he can't make the connection there, he never will.

He doesnt like sports? Sports saved me, but everyone's different. Get him into art. Make HIM create, not just react. This saved my brother and in adulthood too. He found his place in landscape architecture and he's truly on another level artistically. All that ever seemed to be wrong with him, that level of dysfunction comes out as the opposite now, in his work. But it came after a long sexual addiction that almost cost him everything and lost him 2 businesses.

This brother and my cousin that basically grew up together while my Dad was at work. They were a holy terror together and apart. My cousin never got the help he needed and did a dime and half in San Quentin. My mom saved my brother, and liberal beatings from my Dad. It was like a daily routine, Dad comes home, beats brother, have dinner :( But you could see he just didn't get it. And he was never as bad as your son.

In my former work, after many years of trying to find out the difference "good" people from " bad". Bottom line, only one thing separating those in prison with those outside of it. Impulse control. That's all. They're all or mostly sorry, or wish they could take it back. They aren't evil. Just lack impulse control.

"Good" people think the same thoughts, as you know. Take what's not yours, employ violence, do what you want. We all think it, at least for a flash. But those "bad" people do it. That's the difference.

Point is, it needs to be dealt with now if any hope of changing him exists.

Good luck, Brother. You are a saint for trying.

Ehren, I totally agree with you on all points, bro. You hit the nail right on the head, man. Absolutely no impulse control or self discipline with this kid....he doesn't even understand the concept of why he can't do these things. And no, he does not want to improve, that is clear. The self awareness truly is not there. He is scared to death of the consequences for his actions at this point, especially if it is a physical punishment, but that still does not stop him from continuing these behaviors. He cannot control the impulse. Yes, I would hate to see what he's going to be like in a few years, as a teen, if this keeps up. I have no doubt that I would have to kick him out at that point. Trust me, if he was my kid I would ship him off to military school in a heartbeat. However, he is not, and this decision is up to his mom and dad. Of course I can push the issue, but my only true option that I have total control over right now is to simply kick him out of my house and back to his dad's. I will give him a chance to improve, but I can see that coming and won't hesitate to make that decision at all.

My fiance and I were looking into military school the other weekend and we couldn't even find one for kids his age. I don't think they exist for 9 year olds? Private schools, yes, but not a true military school, which is what he needs.

Thanks guys, for all your responses, you're helping me out more than you know.
 
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The Military Schools Leader in Virginia | Fork Union Military Academy | Fork Union Military Academy is the leading Christian military boarding school for boys in grades 6 - 12 and PG.
grades 6-12

**broken link removed**
grades 5-12

Military Schools - Marine Military Academy
grades 8-12 (send him here at 8th grade they dont fuck around)

nothing for 9 year old, BUT there are a bunch of summer camps that i think would be a great idea.

I grew up going to Camp Olympia in the summers. But it wasnt for discipline, it was obviously for recreation, but it may help as he is supervisded 24/7 and there are penalties.
 
The Military Schools Leader in Virginia | Fork Union Military Academy | Fork Union Military Academy is the leading Christian military boarding school for boys in grades 6 - 12 and PG.
grades 6-12

**broken link removed**
grades 5-12

Military Schools - Marine Military Academy
grades 8-12 (send him here at 8th grade they dont fuck around)

nothing for 9 year old, BUT there are a bunch of summer camps that i think would be a great idea.

I grew up going to Camp Olympia in the summers. But it wasnt for discipline, it was obviously for recreation, but it may help as he is supervisded 24/7 and there are penalties.

Thanks for the links, bighurt. I have heard of both Fork Union and Howe before, those are two that we looked at. I was disappointed to see the age limits. He is only in 3rd grade at the moment (held back once), so it'll be a couple of years before military schools become valid options.
 
yeah not much you can do at his age. really, i would just suggest spending a ton of time with him, trying to be patient. maybe sending him to a fun summer camp with other kids. Obviously he isnt responding well to negative reinforcement. Dont discipline him to the point where he hangs himself at age 15. I dont mean that in jest either. If he has an actual mental problem, seek professionals, but just keep trying until he is old enough to send away or turns around. Sounds to me like his biological father isnt too active in his developement. Its not your obligation to do this, but you might be this kids only chance and he is just an emotional wreck from mom and dad split etc. I wouldnt want to be in your shoes. I personally would try to just beat it out fo him, but I dont think it is as effective as I would want it to be.
 
yeah not much you can do at his age. really, i would just suggest spending a ton of time with him, trying to be patient. maybe sending him to a fun summer camp with other kids. Obviously he isnt responding well to negative reinforcement. Dont discipline him to the point where he hangs himself at age 15. I dont mean that in jest either. If he has an actual mental problem, seek professionals, but just keep trying until he is old enough to send away or turns around. Sounds to me like his biological father isnt too active in his developement. Its not your obligation to do this, but you might be this kids only chance and he is just an emotional wreck from mom and dad split etc. I wouldnt want to be in your shoes. I personally would try to just beat it out fo him, but I dont think it is as effective as I would want it to be.

Haha, yeah, not as effective as I would hope for. For you or me, sure that worked when we were kids. I know when I was a kid and we fucked around, Dad would come home and give us a good ass beating. It seemed to do the trick....you don't want to many of those and it would make you think twice before you did something stupid. This kid....he's scared shitless of the consequences right before he realizes that he is about to pay the price for what he's just done. However, he has no impulse control. I am convinced that the thought that there could be consequences for his actions simply does not enter his mind at all when he is pulling his stupid stunts and misbehaving. I just don't get it....he obviously has some mental deficiencies, but he is going to have to get over them. You cannot be a productive member of society when you're going through life like this.
 

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