the wife and I had a discussion last night, I basically told her how I feel. I told her how I felt emotionally detached from her, and she was not surprised as she has seen a change in me. I will admit it is because of the attention that i'm getting from the young lady at work. which she knows about by the way. I basically told her how I felt things just were not the same between us as they were in the beginning and I guess that's not realistic to expect it to be that way 9 years later. of course she was upset and cried, she truly is a sweetheart, she doesn't bust my balls about things, does not cheat on me has good values, has a great job, makes great money and truly loves me. here is where I'm a little confused...
I mentioned to her how it bothers me that for the past 6 years she has promised herself and me that she was going to lose weight and get in shape.
now she's not obese by any stretch but could lose about 50 lbs. I said this to her because I cant tell you how many times she's stood there and looked at herself in the mirror and cried because she was upset at herself for letting herself get to this point, so it bothers me that it bothers her so much yet she has yet to do anything about it. so she thought it was kind of shallow of me, but I asked her if she would like it if I blew up to a 300lb fat slob and of course she said no. so the bottom line is that she doesn't initiate sex so I look elsewhere for attention, but she doesn't initiate sex cuz she doesn't feel good about herself but yet wonders why i'm so distant.it's like a vicious circle. let's face it we all want a good looking sexy woman on our arms, thats human nature.
Let me tell you about my story, it may help and it may not but it has certain similarities...
I got married WAY too young (19) after knowing my wife for only 9 months (she was 20). We had our first child within 7 months of our wedding day. We started building a life together and things were great at first. Now granted, we both brought our own baggage into the marriage, me more than her, but we dealt with it and moved on. Over the first few years we grew much closer together, we felt the same about things, started a family, etc... Then things started changing...more specifically I started changing, then she did. I started working more, school got tougher, we had more kids (3 now), basically life happened and we had less and less time to spend with each other.
I started changing but tried as hard as I could to keep the appearance that I was the same guy she married. I kept this up for 4 years before I finally told her about it and the reason I did follows...
During our 6th year of marriage we moved 3 states away from either of our families b/c I got into a graduate program. This program required me to be at school an average of 12 hours/day and when I was home I wasn't really here. This did nothing to help our situation and we grew further apart. Then she started changing, which is something that is unavoidable...especially with the situation she was dealing with. Me in school, 3 kids (2 in school and a baby at home) and never having any money. I ended up forming new relationships at school, finding new friends - and this is something that she had never really done since our marriage so it was something she resented a bit. However, the problem was with a woman who I became friends with my first year there. Things were just friends at first and for a very long time, but eventually they became more. We both realized that we were attracted to each other quickly into our friendship but I was married and she had her life ripped apart by a father who had cheated on her mother and consequently made her move across the country to get away from him, so she had strong feelings against anything ever happening as did I. However, I think people can only be strong for so long. Things became much bigger than either one of us ever thought they would be and I found myself confiding in her more than I would my wife. I started thinking about life with her and what it would be like, and what made this worse is that we talked about this stuff. We talked about sex, talked about life, just about everything.
During the past year or so my wife and I had stopped having much sex, at least as much as I wanted. And I always felt like she should want it more, but I realize now that I wasn't giving her the things she needed in order for her to want it.
Well, this thing with the woman got came to a point one weekend before a big exam. My wife had left town to go visit family with the kids and we were both studying like crazy...and chatting online as much as we could. We decided to go for a hike that day to get some exercise and later that night decided that I would go over to her place to study a bit. I got over there and her roommates were gone for the night and the shades were closed. We sat on opposite sides of the room most of the night with so much sexual tension that in 3 hours I got through 8 pages of notes and she got through 4, both of us studying separately. Eventually we gave up and turned on the TV, she came over to the couch and sat down next to me, but not too close. There was more flirting and some very awkward moments. The time came very shortly after she sat down that I had set for myself to leave and it was very difficult. But I managed to get out of there that night without doing anything physical with her...but I came very close to cheating on my wife. Now, I had already been cheating on her emotionally for a very long time. But I realized that at any second I could do this with the other woman, and I wanted to very badly. Shortly after I left this woman sent me a text asking if I noticed she wasn't wearing a bra or panties that night. And it was then that I realized I was going to cheat if I kept this up.
I started thinking about my wife and leaving. Started thinking about what life would be like without her and my kids. Things had been going downhill for us for almost 3 years now and they didn't look like they would be getting any better. However, I talked to a very wise friend once who called me a selfish ass. He told me that my wife had given me 9 years of her life, had never done anything to me, forgiven me for my vices (at least the ones she knew about), and given me 3 wonderful kids. He said that if I were to get up and leave without trying my hardest to work this out I would always regret it. And I believed him...so I talked to my wife about it.
I told her the things that I had been trying to keep her from over the years, the ways I had changed that I knew she wouldn't like. I talked to her about our relationship and she had major concerns as well that I knew nothing about. After a couple very uncomfortable days we decided to get some counseling. And I have to say we laughed more at our counselors expense than we had in a long time. I know this is inappropriate but they guy stuttered like no one I have ever seen. I remember looking over at her one time with tears in her eyes from being upset while she tried as hard as she could to hold back a laugh because this guy took a full 30 seconds to get out the word today.
We went to 3 sessions and decided that we knew our problems and we were going to work on them. I started giving her the things she said she needed that I wasn't (at least some of them) and she accepted me for who I had become (even though she didn't like some of it) and allowed me the freedom to do some of the things I wanted to do. And our sex life became AMAZING...it didn't take her getting into shape, even though she was out of shape, but it took me making her think that I felt she was the most beautiful, amazing, sexy woman in the world. When I made this switch things turned around for us.
I came very close to ruining the best thing in my life. I tell you this hoping that some of it will resonate with you and possibly encourage you in this situation. I know how tough it can be when a woman, especially one you are attracted to, wants to do things to you that you haven't had done in awhile. But I also know that whatever doing that would feel like, it can't come close to the feeling of being with the woman you love and having her do the same things to you. My wife has become someone completely different in the bedroom since we went through this and I can tell you that I wouldn't have missed out on this for the world.
Keep working on this man, I am sorry you are having to go through it. But my advice would be this, if you really want things to improve with your wife you should tell the other woman that you are afraid that your marriage is in trouble and you are going to work on it as hard as you can. And that doing this includes not spending time with her, talking with her, etc...b/c you are attracted to her and these things will only sabotage your efforts.
Way to long of a response...wow
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Spouses are to bring out the best in each other, and strengthen the others weakness, sounds like you could help your wife get in shape, it'll bring y'all even closer, and make you forget about the little vixen... Good luck Bro
