O/T Funny/sad true - about Australia

Big A · May 25, 2003

Yes, I live in the land down under. I get plenty of stupid ass questions about this.

My friend runs one of the large international hotels in Melbourne. These are questions from the hotels website, questions that happen all the time. Funny, but sadly, true.

BTW, all Australian capital cities are as big as any of the top ten largest cities in the US. And no, we don't hunt alongside aboriginees for food and we don't wrestle crocodiles. As a matter of fact I've only seen my first real life aboriginee 4 years ago. And I've never seen a croc. Or a Koala for that matter (unfortunately). BTW - Koala's are not bears, they're marsupials.

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1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: AFRICA is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. AUSTRALIA is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: AUSTRIA is that quaint little country bordering GERMANY, which is...oh forget it.
Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy).
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in AMERICA which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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xcelbeyond · May 25, 2003

Those were great

xcel

Fathead · May 25, 2003

BIG A

Q:I am seeking a mistress do you have excessivley overweight women preferably with side burns and a little hint of a mustache.

Damn I must be bored

balplayer · May 25, 2003

pretty damb funny. cause its so real.

BIGKIWI · May 25, 2003

funny stuff. Does everyone have sex with sheep in Aussie or is it just a teenage thing ?

Big A · May 25, 2003

BIGKIWI said:
funny stuff. Does everyone have sex with sheep in Aussie or is it just a teenage thing ?

Aren't you confusing it with New Zealand?

slide · May 25, 2003

Wow...I'd love to see the Hippo races

Sex with sheep happens around the world? I thought it was only in the South?

-slide

Steak Helmet · May 25, 2003

BIGKIWI said:
funny stuff. Does everyone have sex with sheep in Aussie or is it just a teenage thing ?

No no fellas that is MONTANA where the women have no teeth and the sheep run when men come around.

MikeS · May 25, 2003

How much are mail order brides from Australia? Never mind my wife said no.

Funny comic relief, BigA!

JustWannaBeHuge · May 25, 2003

lol that was funny. i am a lil disappointed tho, cuz i was gonna ask if you could post some pics of you wrestling with a croc. i thought that was the norm down there?? ya know, wake up, walk out to the car, and on the way, wrestle a croc, and then go to work, do it again on the way into work....so on and so on. hehe

JW
one more thing. do people in Aussie really just look at the sky to tell the time? i think its amazing if true, and do ya think you could teach me sometime?

Thor · May 26, 2003

LOL

Thanks Big A, Haven't laughed that hard in a while...S-F....

JETHRO TULL · May 26, 2003

BIG A.......I TEACH ON A RESERVATION IN MONTANA.

SO....WE GET TOURISTS ASKING STUPID/BUT FUNNY QUESTIONS ALL THE TIME. THEY THINK ALL THESE PEOPLE LIVE IN TEEPEES AND HUNT BUFFALO! MAN, IT IS BEAUTIFUL HERE IN THE MOUNTAINS BUT THESE PEOLE ARE AFRAID OF BEARS AND TOO LAZY TO WALK AROUND AND ENJOY IT. HAHAHA.......MUCH LESS BRAVE THE COLD OF WINTER LIVING IN A TEEPEE! CRUISING MAIN STREET <ONE STOP LIGHT> SMOKING DOPE, DRINKING BEER AND EATING DORITOS ARE THE TYPICAL ACTIVITIES. MOST OF THE KIDS ARE EITHER COWBOYS/GIRLS OR GANSTER WANNA BE'S......LOTSA RAP MUSIC.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN!

STEAK HELMET: ITS IDAHO, NOT MONTANA, WHERE MEN ARE MEN AND SHEEP ARE NERVOUS.

judas stone · May 26, 2003

yeah right big_A...

and next your gonna tell us you never bought bread from a man in brussels...who was six feet four and full of muscles...and he DIDT speaka your language...right beforer he smiled and gave you a vegimite sandwich....c'mon we know the truth bout you down under blokes...with yer daily shrimp "barbies" , pet dingo 's and penchant for croc hunting....."your awwwright....your awwwright"