OT: work/life vent

[Josefein421]

I debated posting but I am just so overwhelmed. if you have critique just be kind. I am writing because I feel there isn't many places to turn.

I'm a nurse. Have a masters. Worked part time at the bedside and taught undergrad as a professor. Ive been doing it 15 years. I retired early with my military time and an early pension from the fire dept. I did 12yrs there and 4 in the Marine Corps going to Iraq twice. I fought in Fallujah the second time. Ive been in the trauma bay over and over, did CPR on fentanyl overdosed babies, had a 23wk newborn in my hands the size of an apple, pulled bloody friends off the street, I shot and killed 2 men and I've fallen through burned through stairs and had to smash a window to bail out after running out of air. Im not special and I do these things because I could and I didnt want others to have to. Service was a calling. And yes it has cost me. I have struggled with relationships romantic and otherwise. I carry so much guilt of not doing more, of being a burden and dragging others down. I have little self worth or value. Ive been put down and taken advantage of and got out of an abusive relationship last year. Everything was great until a month ago. The best it has ever been.

Long story short... I had to give a half dose of valium. it is controlled. I needed another nurse to witness me wasting the other half. No one available. Gave the med. In haste I threw the other half in sharps. Not a huge deal. Common. Figured id just explain it if they asked. Well they asked and seemed flabbergasted this happened and said theyd' "follow up". A week later I was ambushed before my shift by HR, employee health and my director. I was treated like a rapist or killer. "You can tell us now because we are going to find out the truth anyway.". Fucking assholes. I didnt divert the med. I took their drug test and obviously passed. I do have a medical marijuana card and they asked for a copy of that. I gave it. They suspended me without pay to "investigate". It took 2 weeks and they emailed and said "Until the investigation is resolved you are not permitted on campus for any reason to include with students". So this really fucks me. I can't teach if I can't be with them at the hospital certain days. Teaching is what gave me purpose and fulfilled me since the Marine Corps. I adore the students and it just meant a lot.

Easter Sunday I left dinner and started drinking bourbon. Said some things. Cut my arm in frustration. Went to ER at the same hospital I work at via ambulance. Was agitated and cursing. They gave me ketamine. Forget what Muy Thai here says... that was the most traumatic experience ever. I was so terrified. I couldn't breathe or speak. Dr said it was "because of your history and size". I 201'd myself and was there 1.5 days before being discharged. I got home and a few days later hospital called to fire me for... "comments made while a patient in the ER". They say I violated employee policy because someone (I think the dr) reported my cursing to HR. I called someone a motehrfucker, fat fuck, faggot and the asian dr an "Asian Sensation". So now I am distraught. No where is safe for help. I trust no one. How the fuck can I be fired for saying shit while intoxicated and in mental health crisis as they stitching the self inflicted cut on my arm? I have worked the ER for half my career. Ive sent 2 people to prison for assaulting me. Ive had urine thrown on me, spit on, threatened. Being called a fat fuck is about a 2/10 on what an ER nurse deals with.

And there was never an apology. No clearing of my name. No admission that I never actually did what they accused me of. No mention that they caused the crisis. I didnt deserve this. I have violent nightmares of the ER the last 2 weeks. I get overwhelmed with any stress. I had a panic attack yesterday which was maybe the first I've ever had and it was terrifying. It is effecting my home life an relationship. I am so down and hopeless. My life is upside down. Besides unemployment and my VA money I dont have an income and can't apply for disability for a fucking year. This has been 100x more trauamtizing than Iraq. Id rather fight in Fallujah 10x before go through that ER. I cannot imagine ever working as a nurse. I have a Masters degree. I was on top of everything. Everything was taken and flipped upside down and I didnt do anything wrong. I didnt deserve this. I know when I can be abrasive or stubborn or deserve something and this wasn't it.

Yes I have a lawyer I go see tomorrow about HIPAA violation and wrongful termination. Who knows if there's even a case. He wanted to see the paperwork they gave me before commenting more but did say they shouldn't be able to quote an employee policy when concerning comments made off duty as a patient.

Not really asking for help. There's nothing anyone can do. Just feel hopeless.

 

[Dens228]

I'm not sure as I'm not a lawyer but I'd think being in the health profession there may be an obligation to report behavior that represents itself as a threat to yourself or others and it may potentially effect the safety of others in your care. Maybe you said some things or made some threats you don't remember??
Like I said, no expert but the fact is if my life or that of a loved one was on the line I would rather not have a medical professional that had your episode. I'm all for your personal well being and right to make a living but I'm putting my family first.
Just being real here.

 

[Sectør]

That definitely sounds like a lot man, and it sounds like you’ve definitely been through some shit, potentially with PTSD from the combat experiences or other experiences?

It seems like you’re emotionally overcharged right now with everything going on which is making all the things you’re feeling exponentially worse as you’re not thinking logically or rationally. so I think the first thing is try to take a step back and detach yourself emotionally, which might not be an easy thing to do. Alternatively, maybe try to use the emotions your experiencing as fuel for the gym? Just go in and lift until you’re no longer angry or sad, and if you still feel those things when you’re done, then keep lifting.

I definitely wouldn’t reccomend turning to drugs or alcohol. It might temporarily make you feel better but it’s not a solution to the problem, and you’ll just end up sending yourself into a worse spiral of addiction that will actually make you feel worse than better.

You mentioned feeling like you haven’t done enough or that you feel like a burden to others— you need to cut off that negative self talk the moment it starts happening and start being nice to yourself rather than beating yourself up

Sounds like you have a lot of stuff you need to patch up but I think you need to try to reframe your perspective. You’re not a burden to anyone else. You lost a job where people assault you and throw shit on you? Well fuck that job. You’ll get another one. Don’t destroy yourself over some corporation or job that doesn’t give a fuck about you and views you as a number that can be replaced within a week.

Idk that’s all I got. I hope you figure it out man, but stop beating yourself up

 

[tommyguns2]

Will be praying for you. Especially that you'll experience peace during this time of crisis.

I sure appreciate your heart of service, and all that you've done for your community. Thank you!

 

[Flex500]

brother...you've been through a lot. I don't have a lot to say other than I am sorry about all this.

 

[Bio]

That post shows that you're spinning and stuck in it. I wish I had words to allow you to calm yourself and take things step by step. The issue of the disposed of 1/2 dose of the pill would have been frustrating but what's more concerning is how you let it affect you. Getting drunk and cutting yourself shows that there's other issues, like the cutting, under the surface. I would be upset that someone was questioning my integrity, but with no other choice than to go along with the investigation, I would do just that. It sounds like alcohol needs to go away for good. Legally, I don't know where you stand with what went on in the ER. Getting the attorney was a good idea. Try your best to take things step by step and be good to yourself in the meantime. I would also seek out a psychologist and deal with the issues that you stated as well as anything else underlying. I wish you luck!!

 

[Gaintrain]

Im sorry about what your going through bro but PLEASE THE LAST THING YOU SHOULD DO IS TURN TO ALCOHOL!!!!!!

 

[Bleed]

I had a similar issue myself recently in that there were some longstanding grievances floating around at the office.

My boss, his boss, and former coowner all left the same day and another top guy Bailed on the same day. They werent even coordinating. 2 weeks later another guy leaves suddenly.

I was dealing with new office dynamics and people out of the state who dont live here micromanaging things while dealing with a few guys who do not like me in the slightest.

Those guys were my new bosses. LOL

Sometimes, you just need to live your life like a touring rock and roll musician. You either rock with it or you get rolled over.

Always keep your cool and play the hand you have, not the one you wish you had. Thats the best advice I can give.

Getting emotional or doing recs if you are the kind of person who gets emotional is never a good idea as has been mentioned.

Just deal with your current situation, try to mend fences where possible, and move on to something better. It sounds like your situation was a lot like mine was.

 

[cage99]

Dunno how you feel about therapy but it sounds like talking to a professional would be beneficial to you. Personally I just swallow everything, bury it deep, and block it out. I’m great at compartmentalization. Yes, I’m 100% aware this is a terrible way to navigate life.

I hope the attorney you contacted is able to shove a spiked baseball bat right up your HR rep’s dirty asshole! Fuck that person!

I’d do something I enjoy like fishing for example. Just me out on the water! I love it and it’s relaxing to me. Other than that I love building shit or working on shit. Just something to occupy my idle hands. You should do something similar. Lose the recreational substances Bubba!

Once you’re in a better head space start your job search. It’ll be a breeze with your experience and education!

Wishing you nothing but the best!

Cage

 

[Fleezy]

How the fuck can I be fired for saying shit while intoxicated and in mental health crisis as they stitching the self inflicted cut on my arm?

 

[LK3]

hey bud,

i mean this with all respect, nothing funny and is from someone who has done lots of similar sort of stuff. you dont seem like you are handeling this well on your own and should try and get some help for whats going on with you mentally.
no need to pick it apart or often silly internet suggestions.
be safe and get yourself some help.
be it a friend or dr. reach out things will get better.
i wish you the best bud!

 

[Siggy]

Firstly, I am sorry to hear that you are barred from doing your proffession, you went to school for years and crawled through a mountain of dogshit to get to where you are, I know, I work in the medical field. It is part of who you are. I was out of work for a year and a half until just a few weeks ago. It was the worst year and a half in my entire life, so far. I didnt realize the job was such a core part of my identity. Having no kids, no family, friends or girlfriend where I was living, that job was all I had

I didnt get fired but I did quit on the spot, no notice, it was over politics and fuckery with two other coworkers. I tried to rescind my resignation a few days later and they would not allow me to return. Over that 18 months, while suffering I replayed the events in my head over and over as we tend to do and I saw what I could have done better. Im now back at that same job with a tentative 3 month contract, it turns out that maybe I was not as big of an ass as I thought I was and they likely saw that there was merit over my reasons for quitting on the spot, otherwise there is no way in hell I would be back. The same two people are still there and it will be a challenge but I will be better prepared now.

This is not the end for you. You have just entered a very dark tunnel and there is no way out except through it till you reach the other side. Just keep going. You will hopefully see what you could have done better along the way. You may or may not ever work at that hospital again but in time some other place will give you a chance.

 

[Biggerp73]

It doesn’t make sense that they could fire you for something you did off the job, as a patient, under medication

 

[Fleezy]

I called someone a motehrfucker, fat fuck, faggot and the asian dr an "Asian Sensation".

How the fuck can I be fired for saying shit while intoxicated and in mental health crisis as they stitching the self inflicted cut on my arm?

i guess now would be a good time to tell you that saying things can also preclude you from certain employment opportunities

 

[Josefein421]

I kinda regret posting that. Sorry for the overshare. But thank you for the advice.

Yes avoiding alcohol is a good idea. I rarely drink. Maybe once a month out with dinner. But yes alcohol is a negative coping mechanism that I turned to when overwhelmed.

Yes I was diagnosed with PTSD. My PTSD is that I have guilt not doing enough or surviving, why I didnt do more during any of my careers. But this experience has been the worst PTSD. The ER, ketamine, etc.

Yes I am overwhelmed. They say everyone has a cup that can hold trauma and some cups are bigger than others. My cup has shattered I feel. And I have guilt over that. That I can't take more burden or responsibility.

Yes I see a therapist weekly or biweekly. I was the happiest I ever was beginning of April. I thanked for her help over the last year and she congratulated me on the progress. This was just a long build up and I guess I can't quite explain the feeling of betrayal that the whole thing did.

The cut wasn't a suicide attempt more a terrible idea out of frustration while cutting steak. Still stupid. People cut not to die but to take emotional pain away with physical. I guess thats what I did.

Yes I am hoping to take some time to focus on the gym as a positive outlet. No one said anything but I have only been on 200mg test a week for like 10-12 weeks now. So PEDs were not a part of this. And I have no plan of increasing that for a while.

Obviously I do not condone the things I said. I have worked many years in the ER and experienced the trauma of it. I do not remember most of it. It just bothers me because besides the 2 times I was assaulted and had people arrested I never reported anything. Someone had to really go out of their way to call HR. And I just feel like when it is mental health there is stigma and you are treated like some criminal or lesser person. I have seen it and heard it from the professional side. The way people are viewed. It isn't right.

Anyway, Thanks again for advice. I do not know what I will do next work wise. I am continuing with my therapist and started a mood stabilizer. Like I said 95% of the time I feel great and have zero issues. That 5% really gets me and it is almost always when my work competence is questioned. Nursing/Healthcare is a toxic field.

 

[yatyas314]

As a Marine Vet with 2 deployments the 2nd being fallujah 1, I understand. Also have been fired from a great job for some real bullshit as well. Dm Me I can share with you what has helped me but cannot in a public forum.
Y

 

[Performance Based]

I would highly suggest you drop a packet with Ambio for Ibogaine therapy. Quite literally just came back from my third round. I will do this annually until the day I die. All the heaviness, guilt, negative feelings associated with my deployments are gone.

I wish you nothing but the best and hope you find your peace

www.ambio.life

Foundational Healing Grants | VETS

Since 2019, VETS has provided grants for more than 1,000 veterans and their spouses to receive psychedelic-assisted therapy treatment, as well as …

vetsolutions.org

If you need help with anything let me know, I am tied in with both of the organization. VETS is the non profit paying for the treatment.

 

[Josefein421]

I would highly suggest you drop a packet with Ambio for Ibogaine therapy. Quite literally just came back from my third round. I will do this annually until the day I die. All the heaviness, guilt, negative feelings associated with my deployments are gone.

I wish you nothing but the best and hope you find your peace

www.ambio.life

Foundational Healing Grants | VETS

Since 2019, VETS has provided grants for more than 1,000 veterans and their spouses to receive psychedelic-assisted therapy treatment, as well as …

vetsolutions.org

If you need help with anything let me know, I am tied in with both of the organization. VETS is the non profit paying for the treatment.

I am not familiar with that but will read up. Thank you. I really appreciate it.

 

[Josefein421]

Talked with an employment lawyer today. I feel way better and like I was finally heard and understood and someone said "Wow thats not right. You were wronged." That means a lot. He believes I was discriminated against for having a preexisting mental health condition. I do not excuse the things I said or the fact I need much more work on coping when faced with stress. As I said 95% of the time life is great. But that doesn't excuse melting down in the 5%.

He wants to file suit. Said he had a nurse practitioner with a very similar case that got a hefty award however she also made more than I do. It isn't money though. Money can't bring back what was taken or undue what was done. I just want peace that I had and stability. They fucked me out of 2 major health networks and the ability to teach. He said I would be due for those lost wages and that the trauma exacerbated an underlying condition. Though he said to be prepared to wait 6-18 months. I cannot fathom going back to bedside. I have zero trust in the system. I dont know what I want to do. I filed for unemployment while I figure it out and go through a special 12 week program the VA has.

Maybe move south. Carolinas. Small beach town. Teach at a local community college. School nurse. Something very low key. I have done the high speed stuff for so long I hate saying it but I just can't nor do I want to anymore. And the lawyer agreed that these jobs take a toll and cut careers short.

Thanks for those that reached out. I appreciate it. Sorry again for the overshare. I just wanted to vent and felt so betrayed. They went so far out of their way to fuck with me and I just dont know why. I just started there this year and had literally zero issues. In fact everything was going so good and I got so much appreciation and compliments from my leadership. Wild. No one can be trusted they'll stab you in the back in an instant.

Back to lifting talk.

 

[doggman2025]

Talked with an employment lawyer today. I feel way better and like I was finally heard and understood and someone said "Wow thats not right. You were wronged." That means a lot. He believes I was discriminated against for having a preexisting mental health condition. I do not excuse the things I said or the fact I need much more work on coping when faced with stress. As I said 95% of the time life is great. But that doesn't excuse melting down in the 5%.

He wants to file suit. Said he had a nurse practitioner with a very similar case that got a hefty award however she also made more than I do. It isn't money though. Money can't bring back what was taken or undue what was done. I just want peace that I had and stability. They fucked me out of 2 major health networks and the ability to teach. He said I would be due for those lost wages and that the trauma exacerbated an underlying condition. Though he said to be prepared to wait 6-18 months. I cannot fathom going back to bedside. I have zero trust in the system. I dont know what I want to do. I filed for unemployment while I figure it out and go through a special 12 week program the VA has.

Maybe move south. Carolinas. Small beach town. Teach at a local community college. School nurse. Something very low key. I have done the high speed stuff for so long I hate saying it but I just can't nor do I want to anymore. And the lawyer agreed that these jobs take a toll and cut careers short.

Thanks for those that reached out. I appreciate it. Sorry again for the overshare. I just wanted to vent and felt so betrayed. They went so far out of their way to fuck with me and I just dont know why. I just started there this year and had literally zero issues. In fact everything was going so good and I got so much appreciation and compliments from my leadership. Wild. No one can be trusted they'll stab you in the back in an instant.

Back to lifting talk.

I lived several years in Wilmington, N.C. Lots of nice spots around there worth looking into. Check Carolina Beach and Oak Island. Can’t beat living near the beach especially with a southern vibe to it.