Please read this, I wish I did 5 years ago.

[jw2031]

Self Control

The problem was never the Steroids. It was a lack of self control!!
It's like the introverted people that do a few cycles and become complete jerks and want to go out looking for a fight on a Saturday night.
I've owned a gum since 1987 and have seen a lot of this behavior. Your problems were underlying. The steroids brought them out because you lacked self control.
Like many who hurt people and even kill saying "the steroids made me do it"
Take the bullshit some where else.

 

[Scottyd]

OP. Thanks for sharing.

Prozac was the first generation of anti depressants. There are much better meds for depression out there now. Oddly enough, Prozac seems to be the best SSRI for women, I have been on effexor for many years.

I think you're right, I have heard from others that Lexapro is a better choice too. Prozac is what they gave me, and i just wanted it to work..

For me can be compared to gear in many ways, it seems to take forever to work, it builds up in your system over weeks, and you just cant stop taking it cold turkey is my understanding... The dr basically would ask me how well it was working, and it just wasn't so he'd raise my dose every week or so.. Each change was mood altering. Obviously i never told him I had a cattle drug in me.. I ended up at 80mg daily prozac before i could tell even a little difference. And then it was still up and down and not consistent.

When i dropped the tren I could feel a huge difference and feel the Prozac work, right now I'm down to 10mg and feel fine.

 

[AshopRep]

Hang in there buddy.

 

[Scottyd]

The problem was never the Steroids. It was a lack of self control!!
It's like the introverted people that do a few cycles and become complete jerks and want to go out looking for a fight on a Saturday night.
I've owned a gum since 1987 and have seen a lot of this behavior. Your problems were underlying. The steroids brought them out because you lacked self control.
Like many who hurt people and even kill saying "the steroids made me do it"
Take the bullshit some where else.

Thats right, only my self control was in check in most areas of my life. Working daily, providing for the family, training, diet holding a respectable place in my community on account of my profession... My vice was women, self control there was very bad.. I admit it.

 

[blackrock]

My warning of gear... and my experiences IDC if you wanna argue, this is what happened to me...And before anyone replies calling me a DUMBASS, get in line, behind me..

About 5 years ago or so, I jumped in.. into what you may ask, but if you're on this forum or this thread you already know... Let me first say this, I love working out always have jumping in wasn't an easy decision especially with all the media bs and political standings on AAS. There i said it.. AAS..

Originally I found it online, much like most do.. not hard.. easy actually with the risks that you would assume come associated with the nature of it. Chinese stuff.. good stuff... Somewhat honest sources.. luckily I have never been burned.. something that does happen however. I've always kind of wondered the potency though and developed a feeling test that ultimately almost cost me my life and took the important parts of it.. more on this later.

My first run was just like most would run, about 500mg test c. for 8 weeks. I fell in love.. Particularly in my case I truly believe that I had a low test issue before jumping on. I had gyno as a teen, and i was in my late 20's before i could even grow a full beard.

I can remember when it kicked it, took a few weeks and all the sudden I was stronger and felt great.. A walking boner and a machine in the gym. I could keep going and going, in the gym and in the sack.. All the pro's quickly outweighed the cons in my mind. I swear my weener grew.. Lol..

So the 8 weeks came to an end.. and it was almost like death was around the corner.. I didn't want to stop, I did, but yet I didn't...when I got off, I did all the PCT as recommended, but it felt like my gains were just depleting, and the thought of backtracking became a fear and quickly became not an option.. so I bought more, jumped back on again within a few weeks of getting off. Then it was always on.. which is cool right? I mean the pro's are always on.. and there's the old blast and cruise routine.. it's all good.. It's also very COSTLY so I started getting it raw and went the home brew route.

I stayed on the test year round, added other compounds, deca, tren, dbol, anavar, even a few prohormones for shits and giggles at no real program or consistency. Foolish? yeah, but you would never convinced me of that then, I was my own guinea pig. I've ran test up to 1 gram per week stacked with deca at 700 or tren E at 200-400 or more..just depending.

So I swole up...I got big and I got strong.. I got compliments and got arrogant and developed an ego.. yes folks at 5'11 and 245lb this can happen, and it's not my nature as I am a very shy guy normally.

I stayed horny, without a doubt, and going from that chubby dude that women rarely glanced at to the yoked guy with confidence and good looks cost me a 18 year relationship with my now ex wife. I can't blame it all on gear...it was all me.. but me on gear. Shy guy who has low self esteem finally gets attention from women.. instant disaster..

When my wife left me after she found out i had cheated on her, my reality came like a kick to the face.. Never in a million years did I dream id be in this shape. Divorce, custody battle, debt and more debt. Everything changed in my life EVERYTHING..except one thing, every week that 25 gauge went in to put that oil in me.

Being single at first wasn't all that bad.. I tapped lots of ass.. Spent more time at the gym kept my diet on point... But it wasn't long before i realized that frankly being single sucks. Especially when you've known the couple life since 18 yrs old.. I'm 36 now. Funny thing is all the women I dated saw right through me. they could see that I would run around on them given half the chance. Or that was my thoughts... BUT I WOULDNT! I had learned my lesson...

Depression hit me like a shot gun in the chest. Hard, brutal and at no real pattern. At that time i told myself no biggie.... Nothing i can't handle.. I just need to work out my frustrations in the gym. So I continued the current run of Test e and at that time added tren E. That my friends was the Devil smiling in my face. DO NOT, I repeat, do not use tren if you suffer from depression. Hell don't use it at all, and I don't care how popular it has become, how well it works (which it does) I will never touch it again.

So anyways it should go without saying my depression WORSENED while on tren. Life had no good in it... that was my perception.. so after about 3 weeks of trying to decide the easiest way to kill myself I decided that pills are the way to go.. So I took roughly 300 pills one night. A mixture of naproxen, diphendydramine, acetaminophin and some pain pills that a doc prescribe to me for a nagging rotor cuff.. I laid in bed, my face went numb my ability to move disappeared and i looked down and could see that my arms and hands were pale white. My ex wife came over to pickup my son and found me in that state. She asked me wtf was goin on, i tried to talk but couldn't. Following that was a surrealistic event that I will never forget. I practically died in an ambulance, I remember going in and out of consciousness, being screamed at by emts, puking, feeling like i was on fire.. None of this shit was worth all that... The strength, the muscles, women ect.

Diphyndydramine is basically benedryl... and i had severe dismorphia and saw some crazy shit that even today I don't know if it were real or not. Scary stuff, devil like shit.. Leaving my body walking around the hospital wondering why and the fuck no one could hear me talk to them... I was scared.. but that's not as important as the fact that I scared my loved ones the way I did. My son.. my mom and pop and brothers and sister...Oh my Lord I wish I could take that back... I wasn't me, I wasn't who I was before AAS, I simply wasn't the man they knew.

Waking up in ICU sweating an oily substance while my body was fighting to work that junk out my system was no fun. A tube down my throat, and one in my penis... I woke up crying.. because when you face death, you finally see what all you have to live for and its not gear, 6 meals a day, the gym, or looking how society says we should.

So almost dying.. sweating toxic oils that burn your eyes as it gets into them, tubes in the throat and worse yet in the pee hole.. Having a stomach and intestines full of charcoal, those are good reasons to quit right???? No for my dumb ass, apparently not..

So after my suicide attempt its mandatory where i live that you be checked into a system for "help" you have no choice in the matter. So I spent a few weeks in a place with some folks that have "real" issues.. dope problems, suicidal and depression issues, alcoholism.... At the time I still had my ego.. and wtf was i doing with "these" people?, The food was terrible.. I doubt i even got 20grms protein per day. On the night of my S.A. i was roughly 245-250 when I left the ER weighing 230lb when i left the psychiatric and substance abuse resource center I weighed 215.... My buddy ol 25 gauge was the first visit I made when released.

So upon my release I got me a new script of prozac (to go along with my non scripted self medis).. and BAM problem solved right? i can take this miracle happy pill and still use my gear!! But guess what?.. it doesn't FUCKING work!!.. I'm not sure if this is the same for everyone but prozac + AAS was no different than aas without prozac. So while still battling depression I also started retaining water and putting on fat at an alarming rate from the Prozac... SOOO i said wtf I will drop the tren.. BAM huge difference.. i felt great within a few weeks. .awesome actually... and finally the real problem showed itself.. and not long after that I dropped it all.. all of it, I ran a test booster for 2 weeks and now I'm not on anything.. And if I ever even get the courage to it'll be through a doctor.

I'm a new person now literally not for the better.... my divorce is final... my house is up for sale... I have been institutionalized... and my family and a few co-workers have seen my try to take my own life... I can't take a piss without worrying them.. So read this and please don't think you're any different.. please don't think you're any better.. this shit isn't a toy, it's not a game, is it safe?? NO!!! can it be??.. absolutely, when you allow it to be, and when you do it CORRECTLY. But when you want to be the as big as Jay, or as ripped as Kai and do it as FAST as possible its far too often we throw that safety out the window.. Just be careful guys. Hold the ones you love and love yourself for who you are, chances are you WONT be pro, chances are you won't bench 700lb BE yourself and learn to love yourself for who you are.. and take it SLOW.

Read the first post, but didnt read the whole thread. You will be ok. 10 years from now, you will look back and that suicide attempt will be the best thing that ever happened to you (assuming your kidneys or heart didnt take a hit from the meds).

Give it time brother, prozac will help with AAS induced withdrawals ( i use withdrawals) in a lose sense. But you can also do it without.

I dropped you my number in pm. text or call me if you need someone to talk too but I dont doubt you have a good support system.

Good luck.

 

[bulking1]

I suffer from depression and anxiety and panic attacks. The anxiety and attacks almost ruined my business's but with the right help from doctors and meds helped me. After a ten year break from lifting and using gear ,I got back in the gym and a year later jumped back on gear. I have been back on gear for eight years and my depression is gone go figure. Maybe low t levels. Reread your post again and you stated that you took the pills and your ex wife found you when she came to pick up your child. Why you would do that while your child was with you is unfathomable . My cousin and best friend hung themselves , both tied a belt around neck and doorknob and did it. They could of got up at anytime but did not. It sounds like you were seeking attention. You posted and I am commenting do not take it personal.

 

[Jman9229]

Glad to hear you are doing better. Like many others said, it all comes down on your decision making. Whether hormones are going crazy or not, you decide what your actions are.

 

[Scottyd]

I suffer from depression and anxiety and panic attacks. The anxiety and attacks almost ruined my business's but with the right help from doctors and meds helped me. After a ten year break from lifting and using gear ,I got back in the gym and a year later jumped back on gear. I have been back on gear for eight years and my depression is gone go figure. Maybe low t levels. Reread your post again and you stated that you took the pills and your ex wife found you when she came to pick up your child. Why you would do that while your child was with you is unfathomable . My cousin and best friend hung themselves , both tied a belt around neck and doorknob and did it. They could of got up at anytime but did not. It sounds like you were seeking attention. You posted and I am commenting do not take it personal.

I can't take it personal, you have your point of view and I respect that, but attention is not what I wanted, I wanted to stop hurting.

If you suffer from anxiety and depression than you know first hand that sometimes you simply don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I sure didn't. I saw only darkness. I saw myself as the ruin-er of not only my own life, but my child and my wifes. I saw that all i had worked for for 18 years in my career to better my family and myself was tossed away by piss poor decisions, our home, our unity, our happiness. I screwed that up and at the time I saw no way of it getting better.

I saw them better off without me around, I saw it as a way out, a chicken shit cowards way out but even then with my current state of mind it was the way to go. And I regret it, to this day. I regret that my family saw me like that.

I more than realize now the stupidity of it, i realize it every damn time I talk with my 14 yr old son. Every time I feel he needs my advice or directive I reflect on how I tried to throw my precious time with him away. How I was weak and how my sons view of me have changed.

I KNOW AND FEEL THAT SHIT MORE THAN ANY OF YOU, GOD WILLING WILL EVER KNOW.

And damn if some of you will listen, that when in that state of mind AAS doesn't help the situation, it WORSENS IT. Especially well known aggressive compounds like tren.

I'm not here telling you guys "steroids are bad!" although it sure seems like that's all some of you want to read. I am telling you what happened to me. Something i never ever expected. I played with fire is my point. And I never knew it would burn me until it was too late.

As it was pointed out earlier, its about self control, but what about when you have never been tested?? And suddenly that self control is tested? How well do you think you'll make out?

 

[sammy555]

I can't take it personal, you have your point of view and I respect that, but attention is not what I wanted, I wanted to stop hurting.

If you suffer from anxiety and depression than you know first hand that sometimes you simply don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I sure didn't. I saw only darkness. I saw myself as the ruin-er of not only my own life, but my child and my wifes. I saw that all i had worked for for 18 years in my career to better my family and myself was tossed away by piss poor decisions, our home, our unity, our happiness. I screwed that up and at the time I saw no way of it getting better.

I saw them better off without me around, I saw it as a way out, a chicken shit cowards way out but even then with my current state of mind it was the way to go. And I regret it, to this day. I regret that my family saw me like that.

I more than realize now the stupidity of it, i realize it every damn time I talk with my 14 yr old son. Every time I feel he needs my advice or directive I reflect on how I tried to throw my precious time with him away. How I was weak and how my sons view of me have changed.

I KNOW AND FEEL THAT SHIT MORE THAN ANY OF YOU, GOD WILLING WILL EVER KNOW.

And damn if some of you will listen, that when in that state of mind AAS doesn't help the situation, it WORSENS IT. Especially well known aggressive compounds like tren.

I'm not here telling you guys "steroids are bad!" although it sure seems like that's all some of you want to read. I am telling you what happened to me. Something i never ever expected. I played with fire is my point. And I never knew it would burn me until it was too late.

As it was pointed out earlier, its about self control, but what about when you have never been tested?? And suddenly that self control is tested? How well do you think you'll make out?

I love steroids, they have only ever improved my mood and sense of well being. That said I completely agree with you that you need to be in the right place mentally. My life is very stable and relaxed, just me, my son, my job I've had for 18 years and my training, no women, no hassles and I'm very relaxed and content with life. Gear just amplifies this feeling of contentnes and well being. I would never start a blast if I didn't feel I was in the right place mentally, and I would drop to cruise if I had bad shit going on. Ironically on tren I'm more relaxed than any other gear. The more i take the happier I am. I suspect if I was in a bad place for some reason it would amplify that 10 fold also. These are powerful hormones that can affect us mentally and I think we all lose sight of that sometimes. To be honest ive been blasting and cruising so long I've forgotten how I felt mentally before, but as I say im happy and enjoying the ride so it is What it is

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk 2

 

[raw33man]

Hmmm I love tren ! Depressed ? Lol ninja please... tren makes me so happy and confident

 

[Deleted member 121863]

scottyd, your an immature dick! F`U for wasting my time with such a long post. AAS did not make you cheat on your wife. Look a round this board, life, you are gonna be the < 5% blaming AAS for being an ass and ruining life. Nobody is gonna stop or even cut back because of YOUR foolish mistakes. You did a pill overdose with your kid in the house?! WTF? You couldn`t wait till after the ex picked up the kid. You selfish POS. People like you are the reason this stuff is illegal.

 

[0893]

scottyd, your an immature dick! F`U for wasting my time with such a long post. AAS did not make you cheat on your wife. Look a round this board, life, you are gonna be the < 5% blaming AAS for being an ass and ruining life. Nobody is gonna stop or even cut back because of YOUR foolish mistakes. You did a pill overdose with your kid in the house?! WTF? You couldn`t wait till after the ex picked up the kid. You selfish POS. People like you are the reason this stuff is illegal.

This might sound very harsh but it's true....

 

[muscledoc1]

Thank you for the share

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Appreciate hearing your experience. As I read your original post and then many of your follow-up posts, I can't help but wonder why you brought steroids into the picture? How do performance-enhancing drugs fall into your equation here. If anything, the PED's actually helped your life (at least while you were on them). The rest of what you posted is mental illness. Anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, attempted suicide.

I would seriously agree that PED's are not for you because you have enough on your plate already and you need to get healthy and a good natural perspective on life. You went from fat boy to buff guy, messed up your life, killed the buff guy, messed up your life worse, attempted suicide, I mean, do I need to go on?

There's a pattern here that needs to be corrected with very serious therapy. I think in your case you are like the drowning person looking for anything to grab on as to somehow not assume personal responsibility for your own behavior. In your case, you grabbed onto PED's as the culprit or the villain. Sure, they didn't help and made an already bad picture worse but what you need is some serious counseling and medication.

Consult your doctor or go to the nearest emergency facility if you ever have thoughts of suicide or any type of suicidal ideations in the future.

Normally, a thread like this should be locked when terms like "suicide" are mentioned since a persons life might be at stake. Given that your story is in the past tense, I'll let this slide though. But I'm going to trust that you keep on with your therapy (outpatient but maybe return to inpatient).

I feel confident and optimistic in your future if you stay clean and learn to respect yourself and live a life of principal and charity.

 

[jackjack]

While I feel you have placed some blame on AAS abuse for your issues that was unwarranted...Its not in me to kick a man while hes down.

It took balls to bleed your heart in the open for all to see, be it from behind a computer or not, takes balls.

I am terribly sorry for how everything turned out for you, while AAS does turn you into a bit of a walking hardon, you cannot let it rule you. God gave you two heads my friend, use the bigger head for the life decisions from now on.

 

[anarchocapitalist]

Bingo, you're exactly right, my marriage had its ups and downs before and after using. And the FACT is when I was using it damn near anything in a skirt was attractive to me (not really.. but wow what a difference) and if some of you guys can do the math in my OP, my relationship with my wife started when I was 18yrs old. Guess what, she was my first GF, my first lover. Not only was I horny as hell I was very curious too... Is that the aas fault? no, my actions were strictly my fault. but i can guarantee you this, I stayed faithful to her for well over 15 years before using them and was PROUD of the fact that she was MY only lover. PROUD...that changed, HORMONES DO IMPACT OUR DECISIONS that can be good or bad but it still needs to be known.

And i think that a few of you have failed to see my biggest mistake.. probably because I cant write for shit and seem to draw out and carry on lol

Ok, my dosages were sporadic, when you obtain this stuff like most likely the majority of us do, we never really know the true potency of it unless its tested in a lab.. which frankly i never had the courage to do. So i went off feeling, how i felt.. "this didn't feel as good as my last batch, maybe i should up it a little. This 750 feels like my 250" just be careful guys, the honor system in this world is SHIT...

to be honest i haven't read a lot of your thread i just learned over my 35 years on this earth that i've made enough mistakes not to judge anyone elses. i mean aside from violence or whatever.

 

[Scottyd]

scottyd, your an immature dick! F`U for wasting my time with such a long post. AAS did not make you cheat on your wife. Look a round this board, life, you are gonna be the < 5% blaming AAS for being an ass and ruining life. Nobody is gonna stop or even cut back because of YOUR foolish mistakes. You did a pill overdose with your kid in the house?! WTF? You couldn`t wait till after the ex picked up the kid. You selfish POS. People like you are the reason this stuff is illegal.

Go read something else than chief. I don't owe you an explanation.something tells me that people like you are the reason why the term roid rage was coined. You arrogant pos

 

[Scottyd]

While I feel you have placed some blame on AAS abuse for your issues that was unwarranted...Its not in me to kick a man while hes down.

It took balls to bleed your heart in the open for all to see, be it from behind a computer or not, takes balls.

I am terribly sorry for how everything turned out for you, while AAS does turn you into a bit of a walking hardon, you cannot let it rule you. God gave you two heads my friend, use the bigger head for the life decisions from now on.

Great advice. Thank you sir

 

[Scottyd]

Appreciate hearing your experience. As I read your original post and then many of your follow-up posts, I can't help but wonder why you brought steroids into the picture? How do performance-enhancing drugs fall into your equation here. If anything, the PED's actually helped your life (at least while you were on them). The rest of what you posted is mental illness. Anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, attempted suicide.

I would seriously agree that PED's are not for you because you have enough on your plate already and you need to get healthy and a good natural perspective on life. You went from fat boy to buff guy, messed up your life, killed the buff guy, messed up your life worse, attempted suicide, I mean, do I need to go on?

There's a pattern here that needs to be corrected with very serious therapy. I think in your case you are like the drowning person looking for anything to grab on as to somehow not assume personal responsibility for your own behavior. In your case, you grabbed onto PED's as the culprit or the villain. Sure, they didn't help and made an already bad picture worse but what you need is some serious counseling and medication.

Consult your doctor or go to the nearest emergency facility if you ever have thoughts of suicide or any type of suicidal ideations in the future.

Normally, a thread like this should be locked when terms like "suicide" are mentioned since a persons life might be at stake. Given that your story is in the past tense, I'll let this slide though. But I'm going to trust that you keep on with your therapy (outpatient but maybe return to inpatient).

I feel confident and optimistic in your future if you stay clean and learn to respect yourself and live a life of principal and charity.

Thanks and couseling has taken me a long way. Thanks for not locking the thread. The last thing I'd do was bash someone or even PEDs the whole point is that I would hope my story would be to encourage folks to keep up with their mental health first and keep in mind the possibilities

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Thanks and couseling has taken me a long way. Thanks for not locking the thread. The last thing I'd do was bash someone or even PEDs the whole point is that I would hope my story would be to encourage folks to keep up with their mental health first and keep in mind the possibilities

When you say 'possibilities', you mean the possibility that you may have an underlying mental illness? You can bash PED's all you like. That's fine. For most people, they're not enhancing performance at all but rather appearance.

I don't think you're bashing anyone. But I do think that you may be your own worst critic and maybe you bash yourself overtly and sometimes unnecessarily. Just remember that everyone is different and all motives are different. It's not hard to know yours because you were clear about it. Not many are.

But let's be clear for the sake of those reading this is that you didn't use PED's to win a competition or increase your strength... you just wanted to look better. That's a bad recipe for several reasons.