Relationship Advice: a) Chemistry; b) Communication

[reebokrunner456]

Chemistry (my situation is as follows, but I'm curious if others experience and/or look for these signs):
So, I met this guy who is totally crazy about me and "on paper" / in person, he really meets/exceeds almost everything I'm looking for (which is really tough, considering I'm pretty damn picky). I'm just a loss for what do (relationship-wise) because, from my end, the chemistry isn't perfect for me; (but based on what he's said / how he acts, I'm freakin PERFECT for him). My main reasons for feeling this way are two-fold (and I'm curious to see if this happens to anyone else as well):

1) As nice and attractive of a person as he is (and despite having tons in common), for whatever crazy reason, I just don't have feelings back for him (yet… we've gone out only twice, so I'm wondering if that will/can change…). Versus other guys I've been around (even for just a few minutes/hours) that for whatever reason make me melt / feel head over heels for them. So I guess my question is, dose that 'head over heels' kind of attraction ever have the potential to develop; and if not, would it be best to move on?

2) WHENEVER I go out with a guy and the chemistry is horrible (from my end) but I can tell he's REALLY into me; I get this kind of 'depressed' feeling; it's not true depression, (as in anything deep/long-lasting) and forgive me cuz it's VERY hard to explain this feeling/translate it into words. If anyone can relate to what I'm describing, I'd be really curious to know! Anyone, with the current guy, I get a similar feeling (it's not the super depressed feeling when the chemistry is way off… cuz if that were the case, I would not go out again with a guy that made me feel that way; but rather, looking back to just two weeks ago before we ever went out, I get this longing feeling to be "single" again (in quotes, cuz I at this point, while he may consider me his gf, I'm just having trouble seeing him as my bf).

Based on the above, I feel like I should move on… but on the flip side, I am CRAZY picky and (aside from the chemistry) this guy has many awesome qualities that are hard to find in this day and age… making me wonder if I should give it a try. But in fairness to this guy, I'm NOT one to play games and down want to waste his time either.


Communication
I've been thinking of asking advice on this for a LONG time. Is there a 'normal' time frame/frequency of communication (when a relationship is forming) or is this highly variable?

The frustrating/crazy thing is that, (without even trying), I've become like a typical dude when comes to communication… and all the dudes (I meet) seem to act like chicks!!! In other words, I've grown so independent that even my friends now joke that for me, the 'three day rule' is more like: can the dude refrain from calling/texting me for AT LEAST three days!?! From what I've read, usually it's the girl that comes off too clingy / annoying for needing frequent communication but in my case, it seems that most dudes are the ones annoying the hell out of me with calls/texts on a daily (or multiple time per day) basis. I just don't know what is normal anymore! Then again, when I think about it, if I'm really head over heels for a guy, (even if I'm not the type to initiate daily calls/texts), I probably wouldn't mind (and even probably feel flattered)… as opposed to stressed/'suffocated'.

 

[oldfella]

Well you have not told us how long you have been seeing/communicating with each other, or I missed it. This all depends on what you actually want. You mentioned a longing to be single again? Well what is it you do want, casual relationships or commitment? If the chemistry is there and you can communicate well to each other then it al rolls up to the question just asked,
. What do you want in a relationship? In this day and age the ground rules appear to have changed. Is there a standard protocol for communicating? Is there a cooling off period? I say if you want him go and get him. No real dilemma unless you are confused in yourself as to what you really want. In all starting relationships I think the rules of engagement need to be made perfectly clear (communication? ). You need to be up front about where you see things going, and where you would want to be it here days, three weeks, three months.............etc. Your post sounds like you might not be ready for long term, just my interpretation of what I have read.

 

[triathloncoach]

Stick with the guy who makes you melt. I've dated a lot (and a lot) and am now married for 15 years. Sorry, but without chemistry you become room mates. Seen it all over. Dullio.

And based on your previous posts you seem to focus a lot on yourself. Like me. Satisfy your sensual needs right now. Join a book club with Mr. Wonderful.

Are you ever gonna post up a photo? My curiosity has been simmering for a long time. A fellow endurance athlete who can't stay out of the weight room.

 

[gogotren]

for communication... forget what is "normal". Go with what feels right. After the first date with my wife we took a 2 day break then hung out every day for the next 4 days, which I never done before. Maintain your respect (don`t BJ him on second date) and if he is right he won`t be judging that you broke some stupid, made up, teenager rule about how long to wait before calling.. or other stupid childish ish like that.

 

[renewlyf]

All this after 2 dates?? Ummm

If someone was telling me I was the perfect person for them after 2 dates I'd call bs. Because most of us are on our best, "trying to impress" behavior at first! At least that's what I did.

My wife and I were around each other for 6 months (work) before we even started dating. Somehow after being around me for all that time she was still interested . I guess I still looked good on paper

I've never had much success with relationships that burned hot with "chemistry" to quickly. They all tended to burn out as fast as they began.

Give people time and get to know them. Take a ride in him and see how he acts on the freeway. That is always a good indication of a man's true personality!

 

[OuchThatHurts]

I'd like you to describe two things for me:

1. Describe the type of guy that makes you 'head over heels'.
2. What is different about THAT guy from this particular guy. In other words, describe what this guy has/does not have, that is keeping you from 'melting'.

Can't do anything until those variables are in the equation.

Thanks,

OTH

 

[triathloncoach]

My wife and I had our first date Wednesday October 9th, 1996. She moved in Friday October 11th 1996.

The end.

 

[triathloncoach]

I'd like you to describe two things for me:

1. Describe the type of guy that makes you 'head over heels'.
2. What is different about THAT guy from this particular guy. In other words, describe what this guy has/does not have, that is keeping you from 'melting'.

Can't do anything until those variables are in the equation.

Thanks,

OTH

Yes, yes. I want to know too. Please describe con una atención exquisita a los detalles what exactly this guy does that makes you melt. And in turn, how you respond. I would also like him to chime in with his thoughts as well. This is 100% for your benefit. The more "all" of us know, the more we can....ah, errrr, umm, help you. And without video, it never happened.

And perhaps you should include some back ground information. Be thorough, I have time. Please see my above post about Friday, October 11, 1996. It's Friday night, you know I don't have anything going on. Well, 2 of my dogs are freaking out from a thunder storm. My lightening bolt of passion.

 

[triathloncoach]

And here is a funny one. And I'm pretty darn certain it's true. I honestly do not believe I ever had a second date that was not preceded by an orgasm on the first date. I'm pondering and coming up with a blank. Really. It's there or it's not.

Yup, that's the story.

 

[renewlyf]

And here is a funny one. And I'm pretty darn certain it's true. I honestly do not believe I ever had a second date that was not preceded by an orgasm on the first date. I'm pondering and coming up with a blank. Really. It's there or it's not.

Yup, that's the story.

Who's orgasm??

 

[triathloncoach]

Who's orgasm??

That's the dumbest question I have ever heard. Everyone knows that women can't orgasm. It's a biological impossibility. What planet are you from?

 

[renewlyf]

That's the dumbest question I have ever heard. Everyone knows that women can't orgasm. It's a biological impossibility. What planet are you from?

Ok cool. We are both on the same planet!
Just making sure you weren't making outlandish claims of doing the impossible!

 

[reebokrunner456]

Guys,

Thank you all so much for the support and help! I need to get out and enjoy the sunlight, so if I don't finish answering now, then I'll elaborate more later!

OTH – Your questions hit the nail on the head, and unfortunately that is EXACTLY what I'm trying to pin-point/figure out myself. Maybe if I start to try to describe how I feel/what I'm going through, someone might be able to relate… this is very hard for me because I'm typically so articulate, but not when it comes to describing what I mean by something this intangible!

I can say for certain that (unless a guy is a fat slob, which I've never found attractive on any level), physical appearance actually plays VERY little (at least I'm not picky in that area! ). I guess it goes like this: when I see a guy, he's initially attractive to me or he's not… but this is such as small part! There are guys I've laid eyes on who are hands down 10's in my book (physically); but upon further interaction (or even just observation) they've come across as complete ass-holes. As this point, while I still may find them physically attractive, any attractiveness/desire to be with them / get to know them is killed. On the flip side, I've met guys who physically (face/body wise) do not seem particularly attractive… yet after talking/interacting with them, there is just some intangible component that makes me melt for them. ALWAYS at this point, no matter how average (or less than average) looking these types of guys seemed to me initially, this intangible attraction overrides that and actually makes them VERY attractive to me in all regards, including physically. Can anyone relate to this kind of thing or am I still talking Greek!?!

OTH – As for your second question, thinking back to the handful of guys I've met recently that DID make me melt and comparing them to the current guy, one of the biggest differences is the communication factor… the current guy LITERALLY texts me multiple times per day (which as I've said initially tends to drive me up a wall) and he also wants to be with me constantly (so, being pretty independent… AND the type who's never felt lonely/dissatisfied while single), the constant wanting to be with me sort of feels like suffocation……….. however, with all of that being said, if one of those other guys I'd met that makes me melt were to act in a similar way, I would likely be flattered and happy, instead of feeling whipped and run-down like I do now.

This chemistry thing is killing me and it definitely makes me feel like a shallow asshole… I mean, my gal friends are in awe (and often jealous) at how I always am able go deeper than what meets the eye… but I feel like this crazy chemistry aspect goes too deep! <-- And I'm not talking about sex, LOL!!! As I described above, this chemistry happens after getting to know a guy (even just talking for a few hours)… and to be honest (speaking of sex), if one of those guys I felt head over heels for asked me to marry him (but revealed that he had some sort of cancer that resulted in his dick being surgically removed), that seriously would not keep us apart. Now if that doesn't show how strong this 'chemistry' type of attraction thing is for me, I don't know what does!

 

[triathloncoach]

Guys,

-- And I'm not talking about sex, LOL!!! As I described above, this chemistry happens after getting to know a guy (even just talking for a few hours)… and to be honest (speaking of sex), if one of those guys I felt head over heels for asked me to marry him (but revealed that he had some sort of cancer that resulted in his dick being surgically removed), that seriously would not keep us apart. Now if that doesn't show how strong this 'chemistry' type of attraction thing is for me, I don't know what does!

Has some sort of cancer that will result in his dick being lopped off - You really stuck your neck out on that one. When I think of all my friends who lost their wienies to cancer and how their women left their eunuch asses in the rear view mirror, it's obvious that you are a special woman. I am going to fix them all up with you. How many dickless men do you feel you can satisfy at one time? None is the correct answer for those who are counting. You are PM's Mother Theresa for the Sexually Annihilated.

And in the spirit of your benevolence I proclaim that if my wife's vagina is permanently sealed due to a as yet undiscovered cancer I will faithfully, faithfully being a subjective term of course, stay by her side. Because 2 outa 3 still aint bad.

Well, I'm off to the supermarket to get Raisin Bran for my 10 year old son. Another Crazy Friday Night!

 

[reebokrunner456]

^LOL! You should have been a comedian!!! Hell, if they have the chemistry, send them my way!

In all honesty, I just had to reveal that about me, cuz in certain ways I do feel so shallow (but not when it comes to forming an attraction based on appearance or sex!). For me, it seems that the biggest hang up is the freakin chemistry factor that I can't even define. In certain ways, I guess it's just as frustrating as someone that asks for advice because they've found an awesome match (for the most part) but feel no attraction because the other person isn't a perfect 10 in appearance and/or in the bedroom.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

An intangible quality? No it's tangible alright. It's really not that important what it is (actually, the only one it's important to is you right now).

The point is, is that until you know (and perhaps you already do) what EXACTLY that "intangible quality" is, you may find yourself having to pass on a lot of good possibilities. This is not all that dissimilar from the girl who continues to date guys that are bad for her, maybe even dangerous, because she finds herself attracted to some quality in them, no matter how unknown or unusual it may be. The idea being that these intangible qualities need to be discovered simply because the very same qualities that keep you out of good relationships can just as easily keep you IN bad ones!

There is something, some common denominator (not intangible), among these people that draws/attracts you to them and the sooner you learn what that is, the better. Also note that men (all people) can appear to have qualities at one point, and not so much on a different night of the week. Whatever it is, it's taking place on a mental level as you yourself said. In actuality, if you don't know exactly what the quality is, you truly don't know one way or the other whether it's physical or mental so we can wrap that up right away.

Nevertheless, people can learn qualities and what to do to have you find them attractive as easily as you can learn what these qualities are and gain enough control over them to be able to be attracted to (or not) the people that YOU CHOOSE. The important factor being the power to choose who we are with based on logic and reason FIRST, and second, what our gut or brain is telling us to do. In this way, you have a greater level of control over your relationships and ultimately yourself, rather than being subject or slave to emotions that are based on intangible qualities.

It might be an important step, as we all should be trying to take some control of our lives and choose our own paths rather than just drift through life being tossed about against our will. There is no luck. You make your own.

 

[reebokrunner456]

OTH, thank you very much for the advice!

An intangible quality? No it's tangible alright. It's really not that important what it is (actually, the only one it's important to is you right now).

The point is, is that until you know (and perhaps you already do) what EXACTLY that "intangible quality" is, you may find yourself having to pass on a lot of good possibilities.

Since I am at a true loss for being able to pinpoint exactly what qualities in a guy make me melt, I'm definitely not going to disagree with you that [what I've been calling intangible] is in fact tangible… but if that's the case, (I keep asking myself), why on earth can't I pinpoint it!?!

One thing is certain: I'm really at a loss for what these qualities are… if I knew the answers, I wouldn't have even started this thread (and likely would have either broken it off with this guy OR be feeling on top of the world right now to have finally found someone who is so awesome for me).

This is not all that dissimilar from the girl who continues to date guys that are bad for her, maybe even dangerous, because she finds herself attracted to some quality in them, no matter how unknown or unusual it may be. The idea being that these intangible qualities need to be discovered simply because the very same qualities that keep you out of good relationships can just as easily keep you IN bad ones!

I can totally relate to this. I've seen the getting drawn into a bad relationship thing happen with friends… also, in my high school days, I could not get over physical appearance (I'm sure lucky that changed naturally!). I'd be very attracted to the 'hottest' guys; and go figure at that age, they'd be the WORST ones… drugs, cheating, you name it. Luckily, because I HATE alcohol/drinking, no matter how good I looked, the 'hot' asshole guys from high school would have nothing to do with me for that reason alone… but if I were into drinking/smoking/etc., I would likely have been sucked into many a bad relationship.

There is something, some common denominator (not intangible), among these people that draws/attracts you to them and the sooner you learn what that is, the better. Also note that men (all people) can appear to have qualities at one point, and not so much on a different night of the week. Whatever it is, it's taking place on a mental level as you yourself said. In actuality, if you don't know exactly what the quality is, you truly don't know one way or the other whether it's physical or mental so we can wrap that up right away.

I wonder if perhaps the common denominator is indeed the clinginess/communication factor that I touched upon at the end of my first post… I stated (re: daily calls/text): 'Then again, when I think about it, if I'm really head over heels for a guy, (even if I'm not the type to initiate daily calls/texts), I probably wouldn't mind (and even probably feel flattered)… as opposed to stressed/'suffocated'.' So I'm wondering if (somehow) it's this guy's need for constant daily communication – BEFORE I had a chance feel attracted to him – that's at the root of what's really turning me off to him. After all, this communication factor is one of the few major differences between this guy and the other guys I've met over the past few months that I have felt attracted to.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

So I'm wondering if (somehow) it's this guy's need for constant daily communication – BEFORE I had a chance feel attracted to him – that's at the root of what's really turning me off to him. After all, this communication factor is one of the few major differences between this guy and the other guys I've met over the past few months that I have felt attracted to.

That sounds like a good possibility. I can see a gal wanting a man that isn't clingy. A guy like that may feel he's 'dating up' so he needs that constant reassurance. Which can only mean one thing - you're 'dating down'. In other words, dating beneath you. Who knows. Maybe there was a parent or figure in your life that was always on the go and you felt you had to 'chase' after them. Could be many reasons, and then again, it may not be that quality at all.

Here's the point: calling or clinginess, can be turned off on the guys end by the guy. But he has to know that about you! And this guy might be, minus the neediness, a good fit for you and you may never know. It's important for you, if you want to be in a GOOD relationship that you decide on the right guy for you but in order to do that, you are going to have to take some time and contemplate until you've discovered that "quality". We have the ability to exhibit almost any quality we like but we have to know what that quality is - especially if it's something relatively idiosyncratic (a minor personality trait). In plain English, would you not be interested in a Dodge Viper GTS if the paint job was wrecked and the tires were flat? Most anything can get a solid makeover - including a needy guy. Any girl hits text dialogue number 4 in a day is going to be told to stop or walk. I don't play well with that either.

 

[oldfella]

Hey reebok, I can relate to the not so good looking but the more you get to know the more there is to like scenario. I would suggest that pure physical attraction is good for one thing and one thing only.............Casual relationships that usually end on a bit of a bad note. If more of us (humans) spent more time in the laboratory (chemistry, compatability) and less time in front of the mirror (physical attractiveness) then more relationships would most likely stand the test of time. But unfortunately we are a shallow race of creatures and rely heavily on physical attraction to lure in prospects. Hell attraction is the first rule of engagement isn't it? It is this that sparks our curiosity to find out more. So attraction is the first tangible. Chemistry is a major factor in whether or not you continue on to the next step of forming that special relationship. The whole into me into you thing has had plenty of people confused and wondering just what it is about that person that has me so interested. I don't think you are being shallow, just acting on some of your basic instincts. Now this guy and his seemingly constant need for contact might indicate he is a little insecure or lacking some confidence in his ability to form a meaningful relationship. I am guessing. But he may sound a little needy if you know what I mean. Or it may simply be a case of he is so smitten by you that he can't get enough! Whatever the case you need to assess what it is you want/need from a relationship and if he can fulfil those wants/needs and you might want to consider if you can do the same in return. I guess at this stage of things it all come back to communication! Interesting is the word that springs to mind here. Really good to see the other side of this rather than just the male perspective.

 

[triathloncoach]

Doesn't our DNA guide us to seek specific physical traits in a mate? I won't bore y'all with the list but it's an innate desire to reproduce with one who possesses the best genes for our children. I'm too lazy to clarify my argument.

It's not shallow, it's Darwin.

I now direct you to the "Ass Thread", only because there aint no Booby Thread. This lame site is too PC for my tastes.