Relationship with my father..... Give up or keep trying?

[zaven]

Hello-
I'm sure thee are a few of you who out there are in same boat on this one as well...

I grew up as many did in a troubled family with hardships that lead ur parents to split up and divorce. Well after the divorce my father took out his pain and anger on my brother and I for why my mother left. I won't go into detail as to what we went through but I will tell u it made my heart cold and angry most of the time. As yrs went by my father found another women and he tried to make up for what he had done but he soon gave up when all his attention turned to this new women in his life. I was truely happy for him that he found what he needed. Well as yrs went by I developed a drug problem which what I thought was at the time my release from the past. I got so bad I lost everything cuz I was weak and let it take control of me...... I hurt everyone in my family something I never wanted to do! My father dis-owned me in 98 from the drug use and we have not had any relationship since then. Now fast forward ...... I have been clean since 2006...... I went back to school and became a respectable person and hold a job that many would not think I could or would (EMS) ....I share my past addictions with people I treat and see every day...... Since all this I have tried to have a relationship with my father and show him I forgive him for his past and show him I am a new person. I have made so many tries to do this but there is no breaking the ice or even a effort on his part. Everyone tells me to give up and it's his lose..... But in my mind he is still my father and yes even after what he did I do love this man. ......so I guess I'm asking what do u guys and gals think and would love to hear ur input!! Thanks for listening ......

Do what makes you happy....PERIOD, not what others think is best for you...

 

[minister]

Brother, first of all I want to tell you how proud i am of you for overcoming your addictions and get your life on the right track, I also overcame drugs , alcohol and abuse in my life, as well as a creep for a father, he left us when I was very young and only came back during drunken fits just to hurt us some more. I am now 46 yrs old, but you never forget those things, there was a period of 18 yrs in which I didn't see him and could care less, but one day something hit me and I had the desire to make peace with him, even the good book says to honor your father and mother for this is the only commandment with a promise to have long days on earth, so it took me a long time to finally see eye to eye with him, but we slowly and gradually started a relationship, it's not the best of relationships, but I now have peace that I forgave him and when it's time for him to die, I will not have any regrets. So my advice bro is this, you can choose a lot of things in life, but can't choose your family, so keep on trying , be subtle and leave the door open for him, I'm sure he will eventually come around. God bless you my brother.

 

[conan75]

My parents divorced 8years ago after 32 years together...my father was a great provider but lacked in every thing else but my mother made the difference...money is the only important thing to my father and I was always told that but i always thought that my father wasnt like that...after the divorce i really let my dad have it one day and vented 25 years of anger on him and we were really getting along after that...4-5 years later my father meets my new girl, my father basically tells me that his son shouldnt be with a black girl...i figure that he would get over it but its been 1 1/2 years since i have spoke to him and cant believe that he wont talk to his only son because his girl is black...odd thing is my ex-wife was hispanic, so i cant understand the difference...my girl knows that this bothers me but the problem is his issues, not mine...and i did go pretty much 30 years without him anyway sooooooo.....if he wants to be in my life then great, but i am not really losing much when i weigh all the options...

 

[Dinitro]

you mention developing a drug problem. as an addict, you might appreciate that al-anon teaches that in sobriety we come to realize we can control nobody's behavior but our own. I know a lot of men who struggle their whole lives with the presence or distance of their fathers...No other topic will bring a grown, tough man to tears like the topic of his relationship with his father. Our fathers are weights we carry with us.

It sounds as if you have what's known as a "Destructive Narcissistic Parent" (ironically, known as "DNP"). There is a fantastic book you should read ASAP called "Children of the Self-absorbed." It will describe your father to a T, and give you some amazing tips on how to cope with his selfishness.

 

[TheTruth31]

As a father myself, I would not want to ever lose one of my sons in any way. I'd keep trying. It is surely different once you've become a parent. I was adopted and just recently found my biological father. Now I have 2 and it's great. Some things mom just can't help you with.

 

[Emery]

Agreed!

The guy was a jerk to you when you were growing up and he is still a jerk today. There are great wonderful and loving people out there in the world. Go find them and let them into your life and keep out the losers.

I think Amazon Doll is right! My dad is the same way in a lot of ways...

I am a totally different father than mine. I show my kids love and support them in every way I can.

You sound like a caring individual... Share that with someone that wants it!